What we did, that worked well was get the terms of separation agreement done by email.  There is zero point in talking about it - he could agree to anything and change his mind.  So I would email him a list of terms and he would send it back with his alterations and we did this back and forth until we had agreement of terms.  But if your lawyer is talking in terms of financial discovery then you need to take that into account.

Anon2222 wrote:

.... I just want to base it on what our situation was during the marriage, sign the papers, and move on...Is this possible? The lawyer makes it sound like you can't do this. That you can't just put out your terms, both sign it, and move on?

 

He, the secretive, gaslighting man who turned your world upside down....still has a hold on your emotions, still knows how to push your buttons and trigger you. As long as you feel the need to communicate with him this will continue. He's still connected to you too. So it'll probably go round in circles until one of you (please let it be you lol) decides "enough is enough....I don't have to talk to you anymore, you are not going to rule my life"

I was lucky in that I fell out of love with A. long before I finally decided to separate so there was a clear and definitive line between what he said and how I interpreted it. I simply had to cut him off emotionally, and realise he doesn't see the world like I see it. It is weird....same house ( less than a week and I'll be out of here ) but neither of us talk about it. Not engaging with A. about this Mindfuck made me stronger.

I also decided to leave the legal stuff to the person whose job it is, but with clear instructions about what I wanted. I guess it'll be different in the US than here in little ol' New Zealand as far as cost goes....

E
 

Anon,

I read the other replies about an amicable, cheap divorce but have to dissent. 
  If he can't talk to you how are you supposed to agree on a simple divorce and financial arrangement.
In an ideal world with a normal spouse one would think one could just make up an arrangement and file it with the courts and be done. 

Are any of our spouses normal or reasonable though? 

For me someone told my GX that she could divorce me, sit home not working,  have full custody of the kids with me given an occasional weekend, and collect 90% of my salary.   So I needed a lawyer.

So if your husband is not normal or dellusioned in what he thinks he owes you the only way through this is with a lawyer.  Any lawyer worth his salary would expect full Financials from both parties..  can you divorce without that..suppose you can.. if you and your GH can agree on an arrangement things can be kept short and cheap with the lawyers.
But, again , if he won't talk you wind up going through lawyers to propose and agree on things.  This is often for the best regardless of the expense..less you gain your freedom but find out years  later he had things you were legally entitled to that could have helped  you.  You can always tell your lawyer you want nothing from him and propose any settlement.  But I surmise he doesn't sound like he will agree to anything..and hence the expense.

Blue Bear - I actually do have a lawyer and have been getting "independent legal advice", ie: what I am generally entitled to etc., but not super specific as he doesn't have all the income statements and what not. So, I do have a good idea of what I can get out of all this and that is what I have proposed to my ex. If he doesn't agree, then I am just going to retain the lawyer and hand it all over to him.

Man, I wish that were the case. Here it is 25 years to qualify for lifelong spousal support, so I'm a couple years shy. And the legal system here is really against spousal support period. Divorce is not friendly to women here.

On a different note, I really went outside my comfort zone today. I went on a coffee date.

I had a lot of anxiety and it made me really uncomfortable. Why? Because he was nice. He listened to what I had to say, had insightful replies, appeared interested in me and said he wanted to get together again. He walked me back to my car.

And....I struggled with being on edge. Like...I was waiting for the catch. I had a good time. He didn't make fun of me and there weren't any veiled insults. And...he actually looked at me like he found me attractive. No one has looked at me like that in years (and I question now if ever....).

The whole thing was just...weird. And difficult. I just kept marveling at things. Like, my gay-ex would get so mad and tell me he's not a "mind reader" and he wouldn't talk to me because every time he did I would just get mad. And that I just expected him to always say the "perfect thing".

I have known this man for a matter of weeks, and until this point just chatted casually via text. And....he pretty much said the "perfect things". Like, he was intuitive. I felt listened to. We had an actual conversation where he contributed to it. I wasn't just talking to myself. It was kind of unsettling. Like, all this time I thought I had this amazing marriage. And now I am literally terrified of a man being nice to me.....

Anon,

If anything the guy gave you a glimpse of what a normal relationship looks like.  I know as my GX got meaner toward the end anyone and everyone seemed normal compared to her.  Years out and in a normal relationship now I can't believe the treatment I had put up with in my marriage.

On dating or seeing anyone again..  I practiced self preservation..any sign of narcissism and I was out. 
Just enjoy the company and conversation.  No need to rush anything or accept any abnormal treatment.