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April 30, 2023 5:28 pm  #1

Please respond with some moving forward stories

It’s been a month and a half since I (f44) separated from my partner (m42) of 13 years (he came out as Bi). I have some good and even great hours in a day. But I think I was doing better as I was still shocked, at the beginning of the separation.
I am currently having a very hard evening.
I considered my relationship perfect,  a miracle. Nothing was more important to me than us.
I know I will accept this eventually. But today I can’t see beyond the pain.
So I am asking all of you who considered your ex partners perfect to tell me that it does get better an easier. Please.

Last edited by ellierigg (April 30, 2023 5:50 pm)


April 30, 2023 9:19 pm  #2

Re: Please respond with some moving forward stories

ellierigg wrote:

It’s been a month and a half....... tell me that it does get better an easier. Please.


Yes it does but you have to get through the Mindfuck of it all first. I won't tell you that is easy.....it'll be like you're walking on a pot-holed road and through a hurricane. But if you know in your heart and mind, strength and resilience that you want out....then it will happen. Because straightspouses tend to be awesome people.
 I hope you have support in your offline world, and you have us  

I came here 6 years ago and intend to be gone from this house by the end of this month. I had to separate the person I used to be, with the expectations I had.... and decide to live the rest of my life without the resentment I've carried around for the last 10/15 years


KIA KAHA                       

May 1, 2023 7:06 am  #3

Re: Please respond with some moving forward stories

It gets better.. I have all normal people in my life now..  Can see clearly now my ex partner (GX) was not perfect by any means.. our marriage was, I can see now, also was not perfect.


"For we walk by faith, not by sight .."  2Corinthians 5:7

May 1, 2023 8:51 am  #4

Re: Please respond with some moving forward stories

Here is my story. 
I married a wonderful man when I was 53.  He was kind, loved me dearly, had many friends, loved to travel and ran a successful business.  I felt like the luckiest woman in the world.  Ten years into the marriage he began to dress like a woman, in public, became obsessed with drag queen shows and LBGTQ events, and eventually confessed to being sexually attracted to "some men'.  He had an encounter with a gay man at a gay resort and got an HIV test and never told me (but continued to have sex with me).  

Lots of awful stuff ensued and after living in his fantasy world for two years and realizing he would never change, I left.  Moved to another state.  Filed for and got a quickie divorce via a 9 minute Zoom hearing in the middle of the worst of Covid.  Gave away every single item that we bought together.  Banned him from contact after six months of him calling incessantly and begging me to take him back.  ("I've changed!"   No, you haven't.)  

It's been 3 years now.  I'm living near family and spend lots of time with my grandchild.  I bought a condo and made new girlfriends.  I'm working at a part time job that I love.  Money situation is precarious and I don't trust men and  will probably never have another romantic relationship, especially at my age (67).  But life is good and every day is a blessing.  I no longer have to deal with his craziness.  My sleep has improved.  My anxiety is gone.  

Leaving him and establishing a new life is the hardest thing I've ever done.  I am still angry at him for what he put me through.  He thinks he is the victim.  A "friend" sent me a photo of him last week.  He was dressed up as a woman.  It was haunting and traumatic but I put that behind also. 

You will move forward too.  One day you will look back and wonder how you did it but marvel at the outcome. 

Please take care and God bless.  


May 1, 2023 5:26 pm  #5

Re: Please respond with some moving forward stories

Thank you all. I will answer everyone personally at another time. For now I’ll just say rhat I can’t imagine a better support forum than this one. You all give support exactly how I need it: no BS, direct, and with honest personal stories. I am very very grateful.

     Thread Starter

May 3, 2023 11:52 pm  #6

Re: Please respond with some moving forward stories

I thought I had the “perfect” marriage. I thought my partner was my soulmate. Kind hearted, caring, loving, etc…But wow was I in for a shock when it was all lies and now this “person” is trans and desires be taken care of by a man. He also came out as bi (for like 2 days after the trans bomb). When I pressed about it, it was really gay but didn’t want to admit because now I’m a “woman”.

The mindf*^% is real. I am 2 1/2 years out and find my sadness comes and goes. However I do realize now that the “perfect” marriage was in my mind and not the truth. When I examine the lies, the betrayal, the emotional abuse and mental abuse…it was not so perfect after all.

Is a perfect marriage based on deception and lies? Mental abuse when you are gaslighted thinking your partner is heterosexual? Emotional abuse of withholding intimacy?

I thought it was perfect bc I couldn’t see past the hidden deception. Perfect marriages are based on truth and trust.

Therapy really helps but I know you have to put in the work. It helps to get out and meet people and stay active and focus on yourself. I still struggle with that but hope to turn it around.

When I feel sad, I try to see the good and be grateful. I’m grateful to know I won’t die thinking I had a “perfect marriage”.

You well get there, it’s baby steps. Be well.


May 16, 2023 11:15 am  #7

Re: Please respond with some moving forward stories

Just checking in and letting you know that I read all of your answers and appreciate them so, so much.
I just wrote a longer response to my first post in General Discussion, I don't know how to link it to here so I'll just copy/paste:

Thank you all. I am reading all of your answers, and they mean a lot. 
As for my situation- it's been two months since my partner informed me that he started an affair with a man two weeks prior. I moved out shortly after (as soon as I was able to).
I knew that my partner of 13 years had an experience with a man shortly before we met. From time to time I would check with him if the attraction towards men still existed (he always said no). But I have to say, I am not angry, nor do I feel lied to. I think he lied to himself.
I was always loved by him, we were each others great support. I am very sure that he wasn't seeing anyone for a longer period behind my back. But honestly- it all doesn't matter. We are over, and now I am working hard on my new chance and new beginning in life. In the past two months I was able to realise how much I was hiding behind this man, because I didn't want to deal with my own fears. We will always be connected in the most meaningful way (I don't like the word spiritual because it's being abused, but I don't have another word for it at the moment). I have the best support in this matter, and all I can say is- it all doesn't have to feel so tragic and devastating. It did feel like it at the beginning, but now space opened up in my life, and new chances. I still cry sometimes, I miss him very often, but I am not contacting him and he respects that.
In our last conversation he explained that he is feeling totally lost, that he hates the world he has gotten himself into. I felt sorry for him, and I felt sorry that he is lonely, but I know I can't be the support person for him right now.
I think that the key to my progress was that I was able to accept what life threw at me fairly quickly. And let me tell you what helped me be quick about it: Couple of months ago I lost my mother. She was the absolute love of my life. Her sickness was the hardest thing for me ever. But! She was amazing. As she got sick, she started living her life to the fullest. She never, ever complained. We were always extremely close, but during her sickness our closeness reached a new dimension. We knew we had to let each other go. And we shared everything in the purest, most honest way. Her strength was amazing and helped me discover my strength. Her acceptance of her situation helped me accept it, and also helps me today with the loss of my partner. I am also not a person who can dwell on the past for too long. I live now. I try to be as well as I can now.
About snooping: I did find him on Grindr. But I have to say nothing shocked me. I just felt bad for invading his privacy. So i deleted and never downloaded it again.

Love to you all. I wish all of you people pure Joy!

     Thread Starter

May 17, 2023 5:12 am  #8

Re: Please respond with some moving forward stories

Ellie - I count myself one of the fortunate ones. I have three young children and married for 17 years. My GID husband is an AWESOME Dad, so we choose to co-parent together in the same household. In hindsight, I should have asked more questions because pink and red flags were present before and after we married.  We, too, will always have a special bond and he provides support in all areas except being a good husband.  With help from God, a therapist, and close confidants, I grieved how I thought life would turn out. It was necessary for the healing to begin.  I now chose to focus on the positives - 3 beautiful children we can raise together in a good home filled with love.  However, I am no longer walking around unprotected! I have protected my Financial assets by hiring a lawyer and completing a Marital Settlement Agreement signed by both parties yesterday (HOORAY). I have made the emotional detachment to understand my GID husband no longer gets to DROP my feelings, ignore my needs, or manipulate the situation.  This feels good! I am finally living life on my terms and putting my needs first! I have boundaries and demand that he respects them. I don't care what he does when he's not with our children. We love each other, but I don't consider him my friend - the wombs are still too new. However, I do believe one day we'll be good friends! We genuinely like and love each other. He has some internal issues and it's not my job to fix them. My job was to get out of harm's way. 

Last edited by gwendolyn_C (May 17, 2023 5:17 am)


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