My wife and I have been married for the last 17 years, and the first 10 years of our marriage - I was knee-deep in alcoholism. I've been sober for 7 years, and our marriage has been rebuilding ever since. I can honestly say (and she would agree) that we are the most emotionally intimate we have been in 17 years. However, there has been one facet of our marriage that has been lacking, and that's sex. Generally it's 2-3 years between sex, although she does offer the occasional stimulation with her hand. It seemed like every time I went on a business trip, she would feel comfortable enough to masturbate. She had mentioned that all the medicine she's on for Fibro led to a severe lack of libido, and that she was checking to make everything still worked.

At one point, she shared with me some of her sexual fantasies that she had, and we had never tried, so we explored that - and for several weeks, it was awesome. I got on Amazon and was about to order some new toys - but then realized she had mentioned she had bought some, and I didn't want to have bought the same toys. So, I pull up her Amazon purchases to see what she's ordered, and I'm confronted with all the Lesbian romance novels she had been reading. I won't lie, I flipped out a little bit, and when she came home, we talked about it. She explained that she had been suggested one based on the author (who also writes non-lesbian novels), so she read it. And then more got suggested. I wanted to understand more, so I asked her for one to read. It was actually really good and at one point, I looked over and said "I think I might be a lesbian".

I shared with her that I had experimented with transgender and gay dudes in high school and college, so I was comfortable with who I was. I offered an open marriage, told her I wanted her to be happy and true to herself. She vehemently objected. She said that there's only one person she wants to be with, and that's me. But we were still stagnating sexually. We've had long, intimate discussions about sexuality, and who we are, and how it's just one component of us. I mentioned that I would call myself either bisexual, or more likely pansexual. She agreed, and said she feels the same way.

Today I came home from a business trip, and there's her favorite toy on the night stand, like clockwork. I'm a little bothered by it, so I climb into bed (way early). She comes home from the chiropractor and realizes what is bothering me and climbs into bed with me. We talk, and end up having sex (that she initiated). Afterward, we were talking, and she said, "I don't think the problem with our sexual incompatibility is you, I think it's me." She said that she felt as though she is more gay than bisexual, and she's terrified. She said that she loves our life together, she loves me, I'm her best friend and soulmate, and that she doesn't want to risk blowing all of that up, for something so insignificant in her life.

But, it explains a lot. I told her that I wanted her to be true to herself, and that ultimately I wanted her to be happy. She said that she didn't even know what she was struggling with, until we went to a comedy concert and there was a lesbian couple in front of us, and she thought "it would be wonderful to kiss her neck" and that's when she realized/got scared.

I've read Dutchman's posts, and it also seems like his wife had a similar upbringing, and seeing that he's been with his wife for 18 years after her realization gives me hope. I guess the first question I have is how do I handle this? My mind is spinning and I don't know what to do, but like her - I don't want to lose my best friend and the life we have together.