Firefly,

Yeah I stopped having conversation with the "crazy"..   Its like an alternate reality.    I think in one of our conversations/arguments or in her emails I got the gist that she thought I should have known.   No... we were all in and gave true fierce love.   We are unlike them...they gave fake? transient? unauthentic? fleeting? love ...  I also was blamed for her gay affair....its deflection and all untrue...this we know in our bones.    Best to get far away and do not engage.. no contact.. minimal if needed.

 

Anon,
 About that "it is literally ruining me."  Perhaps you're talking about financial ruin, and no doubt it sounds as if he's running you into the ground there.  But if you're talking about the psychological, then I wonder if I technique I used might help.  When I first left him, I used to describe what I felt as "broken."  He broke me; he crushed me, he ruined my life, I'm like a young pine so weighed down by snow I'm not sure I'll ever stand tall again.  Then I realized that my saying I was "broken" and he'd "ruined my life" were self-reinforcing ways to think about my pain.  How was I ever going to get better if I described myself as "broken" or "ruined" or "damaged irreparably"?  So I used a technique from cognitive behavioral therapy to reframe and rename: instead of thinking I was damaged irreparably, I thought of him and what he was as "a blight on my life."  I thought about the sycamore tree, which gets infected with anthracnose, which distorts the branches, and may contribute to a leaf drop condition that makes the tree leaf out twice each season, but it doesn't kill the tree.  Once I reframed and renamed what he did to me away from utter ruin to something that I could either live with or recover from, I was able to start focusing on recovery, and remember that every little, tiny baby step of action I took to care for myself helped me feel better and more in charge of recovery.  I'm not claiming this is a magic technique. But it helped me when I was struggling.

I wish I had advice. I don't. That's why I've been here for nearly two years. My LW of 26 years is divorcing me. She may well care about how that hurts me & our boys, but that's not stopping her. I'm screwed from an emotional, physical, & a financial point of view. This is my reality. I pray it's not yours, too. I miss the spouse I once had. The one I fell in love with 3 decades ago. I miss sex. Maybe she faked it, but I didn't. I was honest. You were honest. They were not. But we're left holding the bag. It's up to us how we move forward. In the "Shawshank Redemption," there's a line Andy Dufresne asserts that resonates with me now: "Get busy living, or get busy dying." That's our decision now. I choose the former.

Hi Firefly:  I’m sorry you are here, but I offer my perspective four years after discovering my ex-wife was having an affair with the mother of one of our daughter’s friends.

As for your “faults”, you have only one. You are a straight woman who was conned into marrying a gay dude. You couldn’t make him happy because you showed up to a bowling alley with a golf club. In other words, he can stuff it when discussing your “faults”.

As for the circular crazy conversations?  I’m convinced that our in-denial partners almost always have profound psychological disorders. There’s no way that a normally wired person would do this to a straight partner. So having a conversation about consequences with a fundamentally miswired person just isn’t going to go well. Cut your losses on these discussions and preserve your healthy headspace.

Good luck. I’m so much happier on the other side of this. It’s a tough journey, but worth getting past it.

Last edited by Blue Bear (March 5, 2023 3:51 pm)

Hi all,
Oh my gosh!  I am overwhelmed by your encouragement, advice, and support.  I need to read through them again.  and again.  and again. 

I relate with all of your stories, pain, and thoughts.  It is so hard to see the other side of this, and my thoughts at night are the hardest to keep from spinning out of control.  How do I make sense of over 20 years together?  You are all right; these conversations with him are not helpful.

The other day I caught my reflection in the mirror, and my first thought was, "hey! I am not ugly."

I am not ugly. 

There is something so wrong in a marriage when one partner is treated in such a way that they believe they are ugly.

I didn't realize that this is what I subconsciously believed about myself.  So much healing needs to be done.

I am afraid of the journey ahead of me, but I feel so much better knowing that I have support and understanding here.  Thank you.