MJM017 wrote:

Elle,

It's a common occurrence during a break up for at least one person to leave a shared household. Your partner is acting in the same passive aggressive manner as usual by staying silent instead of being honest and transparent.

Splitting up legally is very stressful. If I may suggest, save your energy for the big things so you can get through this as best as you can. I hope I'm not overstepping here or being mean. I want the best outcome for you. I want justice for you!

 

Overstepping? Hell no! Good advice Mj. It's good to have the acknowledgement because while I have many in my family who know the situation....none of them really know the right things to say or questions to ask. 
I  guess most thought it wouldn't come to this. New Zealand has just had some horrific natural disasters, and there are many now who've lost homes and livelihoods, plus the talk of a looming depression here. So surely not the best time to leave the comfort of a r'ship. But I am actually going to step off this gravy train and start walking.

E


 

Fellow your gut’ & intuitions, whichever road your lead. It’s never easy especially @ our age. 
Hugs 🤗 

True ❤️

Elle,

I also moved out, and so I went through this process, and yes, it evoked all the feelings you cite.  I had also saved several boxes of mementos from my son's past, and was sad to hear that he, also, didn't care what I did with them. 

I don't know if this will help you, but thinking this over I developed a new perspective.  I decided that I had kept these items as much for myself, for my own memories of him at that time as for him.  Many of my most cherished memories of my son occurred before the time he was making memories.  What I remember so vividly he remembers dimly or not at all.  Conversely, the events he remembers vividly, his teenage and early college years, I have absolutely no firsthand knowledge of or don't even know about at all!   Also, I think young men are not focused on the past, because they are immersed in the present and looking forward to the future.  Also, it is traditionally women who are the keepers of family memories.

 About assets...

 I was the one who hired the lawyer, and he didn't get one of his own, so I was the one driving the process, and who had all the paperwork to fill out, and thus I learned on what basis the courts would make its decision about an equitable division of assets.  Because I was used to deferring to my then-husband, it was very helpful to me to know how the court counted marital assets, and how they would divide them (so you might ask your lawyer for that information), especially as my now-ex had, in the days after I said I was leaving, made up a list of how he thought we should divide assets, based on nothing but his own ideas about what we should get, and expected me to adhere to it.  (It was actually revelatory and quite wounding to me to see how a man who had been such a passive aggressive bystander for so much of our life together suddenly hopped to it when it came to the end of our marriage.)

My ex proffered a deal on the house: either he or I buy the other out, for what was a lowball price.  I took that deal, and decided to sell my half of our house to him (without even an appraisa)l, because I didn't want to be the one who lived in it and did all the work to get it ready to sell (and I knew from past experience that's how it would play out), just to then give him half of the increased amount it would sell for, and because after I finally decided to leave I just wanted out--ASAP.   By agreeing to this deal I lost a substantial amount the court otherwise would have awarded me, and my lawyer cautioned me about that (as she had an ethical duty to do), but I considered the amount I forewent the price of freedom.  

In terms of the larger assets, he strongly wanted to protect his pension, which was fine with me, because I had my own, of about equal value.  We also each had our own cars, and he agreed we would each take our own cars, and whatever debt was left on them (I had less to pay than he did, so this helped a bit to balance out what I lost on the house). 

In general I (sadly) found that my ex had very few strong feelings about much in our lives together, although he felt strongly about a few material things, mostly things he'd brought into the marriage, and as a consequence he was for the most part a bystander in the division of our goods.  I did all the packing up.  

if it was mementos, and I'd saved it, I took whatever I'd saved and didn't ask him (I still had, after 35 years of marriage, a couple of copies of the vows we had written and a few of the hand-lettered marriage announcements we'd sent, and I left one of each on the bed for him when I moved out--and didn't even tear it in half!)  He did want photos, made himself digital copies of those he wanted to keep, and then passed them all onto me. 

As for other "stuff," if I bought it or received it as a gift (some furniture I'd bought with an inheritance, some artwork), or it was stuff I primarily used (I was the cook, so I had bought some kitchen items like knives and a good cutting board), I took that.  And conversely, if it was stuff he primarily used or had bought, or had brought into the marriage (we had a lot of things from his mother, who died just before we married), he wanted it (or I left it, even if he hadn't said anything.)  There were two artworks he very much wanted, one we'd bought together, one I had bought that he wanted, that I let him have.  As for tools, I had a few of my own (circular saw, cordless drill) but I knew I would need more, so I asked him, and he specified the ones he wanted and said I could have the rest--so I took them. 

My attitude about "stuff" in general was that stuff was stuff, and unless I had a strong attachment to it, it was't worth arguing about.  The main thing was to just get away. 



 

Last edited by OutofHisCloset (March 15, 2023 9:54 am)

Rob,

 That's what my ex would have liked.  He really wanted me to stay in the house, so he could move out with the minimum, and leave me with 35 years of accumulated stuff.  But I chose to be the one who moved out.  I definitely moved some things I didn't want to, because I felt guilty about leaving him with too many things I knew had to be gone through, but I also left some, too.   

 I totally agree with you: stuff is stuff.  I'd add: Don't take on the burden of stuff to spare your stbx.

Last edited by OutofHisCloset (March 15, 2023 10:00 am)

OutofHisCloset wrote:

 I had also saved several boxes of mementos from my son's past, and was sad to hear that he, also, didn't care what I did with them. Sigh....I have 2 children who're memory-treasurers like me and 2 who could take or leave them. 50% of my brood 

 About assets...
 I was the one who hired the lawyer, and he didn't get one of his own, so I was the one driving the process, and who had all the paperwork to fill out, and thus I learned on what basis the courts would make its decision about an equitable division of assets.  Because I was used to deferring to my then-husband, it was very helpful to me to know how the court counted marital assets, and how they would divide them (so you might ask your lawyer for that information) Thank you for that. So far it has been me driving this too so yes I will ask my lawyer that. In fact in the list A sent me to look through he had omitted his collection of ww2 memorabilia that he's obsessed with so yesterday I mentioned it in an email to her (my lawyer) 
(It was actually revelatory and quite wounding to me to see how a man who had been such a passive aggressive bystander for so much of our life together suddenly hopped to it when it came to the end of our marriage.) Hmm....the speed with which A listed and sent the assets to me but left out tools and his collection made me think he's planning to be more involved in the separation

My ex proffered a deal on the house: either he or I buy the other out, for what was a lowball price.  I took that deal, and decided to sell my half of our house to him (without even an appraisa)l, because I didn't want to be the one who lived in it and did all the work to get it ready to sell (and I knew from past experience that's how it would play out), just to then give him half of the increased amount it would sell for, and because after I finally decided to leave I just wanted out--ASAP.   By agreeing to this deal I lost a substantial amount the court otherwise would have awarded me, and my lawyer cautioned me about that (as she had an ethical duty to do), but I considered the amount I forewent the price of freedom.  We are renting but I don't think I should leave to I have things signed. He's never been a vindictive man but hey.....who knows right?

 We also each had our own cars We have one, and in his asset list he said he doesn't want it, that I presumably would so he would take half the value. I don't want it....but behind the quiet, reserved exterior he's a businessman who's comfortable working on million dollar projects so it's all about the money.
In general I (sadly) found that my ex had very few strong feelings about much in our lives together, although he felt strongly about a few material things, mostly things he'd brought into the marriage, and as a consequence he was for the most part a bystander in the division of our goods.  I did all the packing up. Ditto and I'm happy enough packing up the things I'm leaving with. The rent for this place comes out of A's salary

if it was mementos, and I'd saved it, I took whatever I'd saved and didn't ask him (I still had, after 35 years of marriage, a couple of copies of the vows we had written and a few of the hand-lettered marriage announcements we'd sent, and I left one of each on the bed for him when I moved out--and didn't even tear it in half!)  He did want photos, made himself digital copies of those he wanted to keep, and then passed them all onto me. I'll definitely keep the most important memories but I am scaling it down....in conversation & agreement with whoever the other half of the memory belongs to.

My attitude about "stuff" in general was that stuff was stuff, and unless I had a strong attachment to it, it was't worth arguing about.  The main thing was to just get away. You're right. Stuff is just stuff and I'm so glad we had scaled down possessions in a move 13 years ago.....