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Gloria wrote:
2022 was an excellent year for me. I have not forgot my friends on this forum that are still struggling and I wish the very best for them.
I'll ask you once. Don't post in my threads
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OutofHisCloset wrote:
I had also saved several boxes of mementos from my son's past, and was sad to hear that he, also, didn't care what I did with them. Sigh....I have 2 children who're memory-treasurers like me and 2 who could take or leave them. 50% of my brood
About assets...
I was the one who hired the lawyer, and he didn't get one of his own, so I was the one driving the process, and who had all the paperwork to fill out, and thus I learned on what basis the courts would make its decision about an equitable division of assets. Because I was used to deferring to my then-husband, it was very helpful to me to know how the court counted marital assets, and how they would divide them (so you might ask your lawyer for that information) Thank you for that. So far it has been me driving this too so yes I will ask my lawyer that. In fact in the list A sent me to look through he had omitted his collection of ww2 memorabilia that he's obsessed with so yesterday I mentioned it in an email to her (my lawyer)
(It was actually revelatory and quite wounding to me to see how a man who had been such a passive aggressive bystander for so much of our life together suddenly hopped to it when it came to the end of our marriage.) Hmm....the speed with which A listed and sent the assets to me but left out tools and his collection made me think he's planning to be more involved in the separation
My ex proffered a deal on the house: either he or I buy the other out, for what was a lowball price. I took that deal, and decided to sell my half of our house to him (without even an appraisa)l, because I didn't want to be the one who lived in it and did all the work to get it ready to sell (and I knew from past experience that's how it would play out), just to then give him half of the increased amount it would sell for, and because after I finally decided to leave I just wanted out--ASAP. By agreeing to this deal I lost a substantial amount the court otherwise would have awarded me, and my lawyer cautioned me about that (as she had an ethical duty to do), but I considered the amount I forewent the price of freedom. We are renting but I don't think I should leave to I have things signed. He's never been a vindictive man but hey.....who knows right?
We also each had our own cars We have one, and in his asset list he said he doesn't want it, that I presumably would so he would take half the value. I don't want it....but behind the quiet, reserved exterior he's a businessman who's comfortable working on million dollar projects so it's all about the money.
In general I (sadly) found that my ex had very few strong feelings about much in our lives together, although he felt strongly about a few material things, mostly things he'd brought into the marriage, and as a consequence he was for the most part a bystander in the division of our goods. I did all the packing up. Ditto and I'm happy enough packing up the things I'm leaving with. The rent for this place comes out of A's salary
if it was mementos, and I'd saved it, I took whatever I'd saved and didn't ask him (I still had, after 35 years of marriage, a couple of copies of the vows we had written and a few of the hand-lettered marriage announcements we'd sent, and I left one of each on the bed for him when I moved out--and didn't even tear it in half!) He did want photos, made himself digital copies of those he wanted to keep, and then passed them all onto me. I'll definitely keep the most important memories but I am scaling it down....in conversation & agreement with whoever the other half of the memory belongs to.
My attitude about "stuff" in general was that stuff was stuff, and unless I had a strong attachment to it, it was't worth arguing about. The main thing was to just get away. You're right. Stuff is just stuff and I'm so glad we had scaled down possessions in a move 13 years ago.....
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Rob wrote:
......I urge everyone to not worry about the stuff..leave it all behind or get rid of it. A home is made of the people that are in it..not the the stuff.
Haha you sound like my oldest, homeless son. That's his philosophy on life. Sometimes I wish I could walk away with nothing
....but
E
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I organized a garage/yard sale and got him to come back to help for the two weekends it ran, then we split the proceeds equally. It was worth the work and it got rid of stuff he had not taken and did not want.
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Abby wrote:
I organized a garage/yard sale and got him to come back to help for the two weekends it ran, then we split the proceeds equally. It was worth the work and it got rid of stuff he had not taken and did not want.
Oh wow....that sounds very respectful answer for you both. So it went well?
My partner A. buys and sells things on Trademe, does it well but the other week he sold his bicycle and pocketed the cash. I should have said something but didn't and now feel I can't be bothered following it up....blah but the next week we had a $24 lotto win (woohoo!) and I purposely took the ticket, cashed it and gave him half
E
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MJM017 wrote:
.....Have been undecided about family pictures dating back to the 1930s. They're of his paternal grandparents and uncles taken by a professional photographer. There are original newspaper clippings too. His last remaining uncle should have it but his family is difficult and over dramatic. It's scary to be nice to them.
....I could be wrong but think you're stbx will take your lead with property division. He is afraid to look like the bad guy perhaps? Good luck with clearing out the stuff!
Haha....when it's memories from another family (and a family so difficult) the decision must battle with your need to be rid of it all? I'd send them an email with a timeline. If they don't communicate/come get it by such and such you'll burn or shred it all. And keep to your word.
Actually when I was cleaning out/sorting photos a few months ago there were letters, photos I didn't want but that I was loathe to put in the rubbish just because I hated the thought of somebody finding them, reading them aghast that anybody could throw them out.
So I burnt them. We sat outside with a metal container, a box of matches and a pile of photos, newspaper clippings, old letters and set fire to them one by one. A memory cremation. My history, my memories, my decision.
It's weird Mj...but it does seem that he is taking my lead, which feels really weird. But he still hasn't said one single word about anything! And probably won't unless I bring it up first. So fuck'im...I'm staying silent until it's absolutely necessary.
As for the stuff...there's a game of Jenga and the blocks are in a random box so old it might be an antique (not valuable, just old-timey) And I can't make myself throw it out...lol Nobody will care if I throw it out. Just me.
I might drop it at a day-care or kindergarten
E
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Elle,
The stuff she left in my home i have declared "eminent domain" over. I keep or throw out what I choose..its my life now and what was important to her she took. Her jewelry, her gay sex toys she took. Pictures of the kids she left..maybe to comfort me...hah..
I know her....her relationship to objects or people is the same.. throw them away..write them off forever.
That even an ordinary object means something to you says a lot about who you are as a person. We love and we are loyal..
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I did not get rid of any of the presents that my gay ex boyfriend gave me. We are f b friends and I have nothing against him but since I am married we do not call, etc each other. If I were some of the people here, I would shred it and burn it. I say do what is right for you.
Sam (Admin) You were asked not to post on this thread. Your position.here is tenuous at best. No more warnings, next time you will be banned for good.
Last edited by Sam (Admin) (March 17, 2023 7:29 pm)
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Elle, I'm the one who moved out, and in the middle of the whole Covid thing I moved across the country. By necessity I had to keep it really simple in terms of what I took and what I left.
There are a few things I've missed -- really just photo albums I somehow missed or didn't have time to go through. But it was actually nice to have an apartment that was empty except for things I really valued!
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walkbymyself wrote:
Elle, I'm the one who moved out, and in the middle of the whole Covid thing I moved across the country. By necessity I had to keep it really simple in terms of what I took and what I left.
There are a few things I've missed -- really just photo albums I somehow missed or didn't have time to go through. But it was actually nice to have an apartment that was empty except for things I really valued!
Talk about not doing things by halves!!! Covid lent an extra complexity for much of life!
My plan has been to slowly (because this separation won't be a 'stamp foot/throw stuff and storm out thing) sort through stuff and set aside what I know is mine. There are no pets to fight over, our children are adults and I can't imagine A. getting aggressive about assets.
Yeah an empty canvas sounds kinda nice but I'll be moving in with my son, his gf and their two cats so the canvas is already half-coloured in lol
E.