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January 23, 2023 1:52 pm  #1


The affect on your self-image and a bit of venting, in reverse order

Hello everyone!

Recently I had a discussion with my lesbian wife about the affect her coming out has had on me. The realization I haven't interacted with a straight woman in a romantic way in 23 years has damaged my self-image and self-confidence. I'm quiet and don't meet people easily. She makes friends EVERYWHERE. She says I am everything a straight woman could want and more, physically, romantically, intimately. That's very kind and nice to hear, but honestly, it doesn't really matter. When someone who has ripped your heart out and is completely uninterested in you romantically tells you you're a catch, it sounds hollow.

She gets hit on (and tells me about it) by men nearly every time she leaves the house. Apparently my need for some external validation isn't alright, even though she receives it constantly and up until very recently, received a TON from me. She's even been hit on by, according to her, a much younger woman in a gay bar, which was very exciting for her.

To be fair, I told her she should go on a date with the express intention of determining whether she was really a lesbian and being with a woman is what she wanted. She kept saying she was confused and didn't know what she wanted and I was tired of being in limbo. I told her they could go on a couple dates, hold hands or kiss. I thought she'd tell me before it happened. For me, getting drunk in a bar and dancing/touching a woman you're attracted to is far beyond what I said, and finding out about it afterward felt like complete betrayal. Regardless of her intentions. All it would have taken was a phone call to tell me what her and her friends were doing and had anything changed, or what was I okay with. She said she even thought about the fact that she didn't know if I was still okay with her doing it- I'd offered that for a specific reason months before. Anyway...

She's told me I should go out and get laid. Well, that would be nice but my heart doesn't work like that. I wish it did. Maybe I'll try to anyway, maybe I'm being stupid. I signed up for a dating app without telling her to interact with someone who was actually interested in me. I had no intentions or even desire to meet someone, and certainly not start a relationship. Not even to get laid. A genuine conversation and some flirting, even a compliment, would have been great I thought. She lost her shit over that. Screaming, crying, how could I, etc. She didn't find out, I told her about it after hearing about the dancing.

After hearing how I'd hurt her and hearing about the bar incident (complete with her dancing with the woman and them "touching" whatever that means), which ripped my heart out, the next day I attempted to kill myself. I tried to get completely drunk and drown myself in the ocean. Instead I passed out on a beach and a friend came to help me. She yelled at me on the ride home and hasn't spoken to me in 2 days now. I guess it was too hard for her...

Venting over. So my question- how has your situation afftected your self image, confidence, etc.? Anyone else terrified of dating? Worried you won't meet someone, or you've lost too much of yourself going through this? Too hopeless and broken-feeling to even try? Or am I the odd one out and everyone else is thrilled to get out and date again?

 

January 23, 2023 2:39 pm  #2


Re: The affect on your self-image and a bit of venting, in reverse order

Hello HereIn - 

First, I am GLAD you did not succeed in your attempt to take your own life. You are worth keeping in this world. I dont need to know you in order to say that. If you aren't already, please get professional assistance, I know I needed it IMMEDIATELY. I was in therapy the same day she (partially) told me about what she had been doing behind my back. I called EAP. I was a total wreck and the following 2 months, I lost 38 lbs, cried enough to fill a river, and felt I had lost the only aspect of my life I truly cared about. Worst part? She did not give one shit. She was/is only focused on herself. I digress.

To answer your questions: my self image and confidence are high. Here is why; that same day, August 7th of 2022, I was crushed. In addition to getting therapy, I made a decision to do "healthy" coping. I began waking up at 430AM to work out and did not miss a day until last week. I'm be cocky here, I look like a greek god in the mirror now as a result. Once I could eat again, I eat healthy food. I work extensively on myself in therapy, discovering who I am, my own inner child traumas, what I can do better. I am scared of dating, but only because I do not want to experience this again. I have been seeing a nice woman for a bit now and taking things very slow. VERY. I am also very transparent. I am like you in the sense I dont get much pleasure out of sleeping around. I need a connection (emotionally). 

You are NOT the odd one out. Most people here (I've read) feel exactly the same way. Do not put yourself on a timeline, everyone has a different journey. I am coming up on a year of knowing my 23 year relationship was a fraud. That hurt. But I am excited for the future. Many days I take steps back, but always end the day with forward momentum and gratitude. I did not deserve this and neither do you. It is absolute pain and the fact she is angry with you should be an indication of who she may be...thats projection from her onto you. 

Hang in there, it does get better. You CAN do this, even when I did not believe I could, I just kept moving forward. Eventually some light peeks in. Hang in there man. 

 

January 23, 2023 3:01 pm  #3


Re: The affect on your self-image and a bit of venting, in reverse order

I've been working out 4 days a week and walking 15k steps a day the last 1-1/2 years. I've lost 20 pounds already (really thought that would look like more, you know?). No greek God status yet, hoping the next 20 lbs does more, but nothing feels better right now than lifting heavy shit. And tattoos- that pain feels fucking amazing right now.

I'm in therapy once a week. Sometimes it helps. Sometimes it's just processing the situation I'm in each week and it's draining. I've gone through the childhood trauma stuff and I'm mostly good. If it weren't for this I'd be the best I've been in years. Not gonna lie, I've wanted to throw in the towel for over a year. My kids kept me going. The other day was too much. We own a business together but it's mostly all me on paper and she'll get alimony so I'm going to be in the dark ages when we divorce. 

Have you asked anyone if they're sure they're straight? I'm pretty sure that's going to be my opening line for a while.

Glad to hear you're doing as well as you are, hopefully I'll get there too.

Blackie563 wrote:

Hello HereIn - 

First, I am GLAD you did not succeed in your attempt to take your own life. You are worth keeping in this world. I dont need to know you in order to say that. If you aren't already, please get professional assistance, I know I needed it IMMEDIATELY. I was in therapy the same day she (partially) told me about what she had been doing behind my back. I called EAP. I was a total wreck and the following 2 months, I lost 38 lbs, cried enough to fill a river, and felt I had lost the only aspect of my life I truly cared about. Worst part? She did not give one shit. She was/is only focused on herself. I digress.

To answer your questions: my self image and confidence are high. Here is why; that same day, August 7th of 2022, I was crushed. In addition to getting therapy, I made a decision to do "healthy" coping. I began waking up at 430AM to work out and did not miss a day until last week. I'm be cocky here, I look like a greek god in the mirror now as a result. Once I could eat again, I eat healthy food. I work extensively on myself in therapy, discovering who I am, my own inner child traumas, what I can do better. I am scared of dating, but only because I do not want to experience this again. I have been seeing a nice woman for a bit now and taking things very slow. VERY. I am also very transparent. I am like you in the sense I dont get much pleasure out of sleeping around. I need a connection (emotionally). 

You are NOT the odd one out. Most people here (I've read) feel exactly the same way. Do not put yourself on a timeline, everyone has a different journey. I am coming up on a year of knowing my 23 year relationship was a fraud. That hurt. But I am excited for the future. Many days I take steps back, but always end the day with forward momentum and gratitude. I did not deserve this and neither do you. It is absolute pain and the fact she is angry with you should be an indication of who she may be...thats projection from her onto you. 

Hang in there, it does get better. You CAN do this, even when I did not believe I could, I just kept moving forward. Eventually some light peeks in. Hang in there man. 

 

     Thread Starter
 

January 23, 2023 3:28 pm  #4


Re: The affect on your self-image and a bit of venting, in reverse order

First of all, telling your story is not venting.  You have every right to tell your story and that is how it reads - a story that is so familiar to us all here.

My moment came standing at the top of a long flight of stairs.  It was serious, not an idle thought, a sudden but solid and accepted notion of going headfirst but then I thought of my mother and realised I couldn't do it to her.  

I have to say this HereinM, this is a forum full of people who are reading your story and going yes, yes I hope he starts to realise the woman he is married to is not the person he believes her to be now.

One horrific fact you are likely to discover is that the lack of self esteem is, well yes it is axiomatic that it takes a beating when you are having sex with a person who does not desire you, but also it is being affected by her general treatment of you.  ie, getting away from your wife, every inch you achieve in whatever way you protect yourself emotionally from her, every step away from her you take will improve how you feel.

But as Anon said so beautifully in another post I was going to reply to but lost sight of, marriage to a gay man leaves you feeling like crap.  (sorry, can't find the right words)  There's no getting away from that.  

On the plus side, for me it is great to hear men talking about wanting a connection with a woman before wanting to have sex with her - that's great.  Having men hit on you for sex like you're a pay per view machine is not pleasant.  Having someone interested in you romantically is great. 

Feeling broken is not going to stop you from forward motion.  I like what Blackie is saying - I have seen too many men fall straight into the arms of another gay in denial woman.  Taking time is good.  

 

January 23, 2023 3:32 pm  #5


Re: The affect on your self-image and a bit of venting, in reverse order

HereInMpls2717 wrote:

Have you asked anyone if they're sure they're straight? I'm pretty sure that's going to be my opening line for a while. 

Yes! I asked as more of a joke, but since I explained my previous situation, she understood and was like "I'm definitely sure!". It's all about the timing of when you ask! :-) 

I am going to lose half of everything to someone who had an affair (chose to have an affair) and is currently living with a completely different woman, while her online dating profile "looks for men" exclusively and she took some of my condoms.. I still have to pay up. I feel you. It may not feel like it now, but it will get better. Sounds like you are already doing the hard work and focused on your own healing. Again, no time table to that journey. One day at a time. You got this. 

 

January 23, 2023 4:31 pm  #6


Re: The affect on your self-image and a bit of venting, in reverse order

So don't lead with that? hahaha 

     Thread Starter
 

January 23, 2023 7:54 pm  #7


Re: The affect on your self-image and a bit of venting, in reverse order

Don't ask questions and you will hear no lies!  They come for you first, from their perspective you have proved you are good husband material for them.  and if you get to wondering where the straight women are - married to gay in denial men.


edited to add - here is what Anon said - ".. coping with the realization that no one has ever truly loved you and seen you as a partner. It's a horrible and cruel thing to find out and learn to cope with."
 

Last edited by lily (January 23, 2023 8:00 pm)

 

January 23, 2023 11:48 pm  #8


Re: The affect on your self-image and a bit of venting, in reverse order

Awe, thanks for the credit lily!

I have realized that I have probably gone through this entire thing in the most unpolitically correct way possible lol.

I have had many obscure thoughts about ending my life over the past several months. I am happy to say that I didn't make an attempt to do so, but it came scarily close at times.

I was left as a shell of who I was. I still have a hard time comprehending that my marriage was a sham. 18 years. I loved him with everything I had. And he walked away so easily. It's a fucking slap in the face to find out that you have been sleeping with a gay guy. I spent a lot of time trying to decide if I looked like a man or acted like a man or was I somehow doing something masculine I didn't know about...like, what exactly about me screamed you like guys, pick me!

I have felt like a discarded piece of trash. I have felt ugly. Fat. Unloved. Bottomed out self esteem. Cried a lot. Hated my life. And spent way more than one evening curled in the fetal position on the floor crying cuz I was just too overwhelmed to get up. It's pure, unaltered hell.

I also joined a dating site. For the same reason. I just wanted to talk to someone who actually thought I was attractive. My gay husband also told me I was an attractive woman....and no, it did not make me feel any better. At all. The thought of dating scares the shit out of me. I have dated, married, and had sex with one whole person in my life. And he ended up being gay. So.....the track record there....

The thought of trying to start over just exhausts me, terrifies me, and I honestly don't know how I feel about it most of the time. Because I had no desire to start over.

I started talking to a guy from the dating site. Within the first 48 hours I asked him if he had ever had any sexual thoughts, encounters, watched porn or done anything with a man, was he gay, bi, gender fluid, ever wanted to be a woman and on and on. I think he was a little taken aback at first. But, then he told me he appreciated my honesty and stated that he was 100% straight. I did explain why I was asking....and I told him flat out, that I had no desire to continue talking if he was any of the above.

I dunno. Maybe there's a better way or more socially acceptable way to do things....but I legit just put it out there. And flat out asked it in the second conversation. Not gonna lie, I'm pissed about the amount of my life that I wasted with the manipulative liar that finally pranced out of his closet. I'm not wasting anymore time if I can help it. You do you.....but, you won't be doing it with me!

So, I would say you're in good company here. I think we're all pretty messed up by this who thing....because it just really is one fucked up situation. No one told me about this being a possibility when I grew up!

One step at a time, and keep sharing, vent, rant, scream, cry, whatever you need to do. Because it's one hell of a wild ride.

 

February 2, 2023 5:00 pm  #9


Re: The affect on your self-image and a bit of venting, in reverse order

Hi All.  Boy do I hear so much of what you are saying loud and clear.  It’s hard to know where to start to put my thoughts into words when it comes to my self-image after realizing that every intimate moment, all of the closeness…..none of it was real.  I realized the other day that there is a huge part of me that feels sexually violated.  Don’t misunderstand, my GH never forced me to do anything.  But, he DID force himself into intimacy with me.  Knowing now that it was the furthest thing from enjoyable for him, that it shouldn’t ever have been happening, makes me feel violated.  Does that even make sense?  He says that there were things about our intimacy that he liked, but I feel he’s just saying what he thinks I want to hear.

And man, if discovering that it took being married to me for my husband to determine he is gay and DOES NOT like women isn’t the self esteem crusher of a lifetime…..I don’t know what is.

I actually got really close to calling an old ex boyfriend the other day.  He was the last guy I dated before I met my husband.  There were several reasons why I broke up with him - but the sex was not one of them.  That - that was more than ok.  From what Facebook tells me (we aren’t FB friends but his profile is pretty public) he is still single.  And, so I thought, “I don’t want a relationship with him, I know that.  So, what about just a hook up? Maybe that is what I really need right now?”  But, I just don’t think I have it in me.  And, that thought is coming from the angry, hurt, wife that wants to stick it to her GH that cheated on her.  It likely wouldn’t have that impact on him.  He’d probably be happy for me or something.  Ha!

I am definitely not in a mindset that can allow me to start dating.  I seriously don't know if I’ll ever be able to date again.  It’s so exhausting.  I did online dating on and off for 10 years before I met my husband.  I had a rule, “never say no to a date.  Just make it a drink (alcohol, coffee, whatever).  Quick and painless.”  Do you know how many dates I went on, you guys?!  I truly wish I’d kept count, sometimes.  Anyways, I met some winners and some losers.  I just don’t think I have the energy, especially right now.  But, I am also happy, just like Lily, to hear men talking about making connection with women first.  Really refreshing, gentleman!  Thank you for being you.

The calendar on my fridge for today says “look into the mirror and smile at yourself”.  I think we all should go find a mirror and do just that!

 

February 3, 2023 3:01 pm  #10


Re: The affect on your self-image and a bit of venting, in reverse order

Hi all - I'm new here...just stumbled across this forum but I am so glad that I did. SO much of what you are all saying is my life right now! My husband of 25 years moved out 3 1/2 months ago - after a grueling year of telling me he was bisexual, he was "more gay than straight" , he did not know "what he was".....well it took him 2 months and he is on his second male sex partner that I know of - apparently it was not so confusing after all. He now says he has "chosen gay" and I am left working out the divorce, selling the house, etc. Anyway I have been a mess and so appreciate seeing familiar pattens here - I am not the only one experiencing crying, lack of self esteem, isolation, disbelief, self hatred, rage, insecurity, fear, sexual violation - thank you for your honesty it really helps. I am in therapy, do have good friends, two college kids are doing ok, but it is such a strange mind game I don't think anyone who has not experienced it can really know how to be supportive. All of the "I see great things for you!" and "you got this!" are so well meant but for the moment - I don't got this. And not sure how I ever will. I live too far from our nearest straight spouse support group for it to be reasonable, but nice to hear some voices here experiencing the same things. Thank you!

 

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