I can say with all honesty, divorce is the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. Add in the lies, manipulation, gas lighting and having the man you loved more than anything in the world look at you and say they don't love you anymore and haven't for a long time. They were just pretending until they were ready and had everything set up to leave.

Devastating is not a strong enough word. 

It took me about 5 years to get to the point I am at now - I just filed the papers for divorce.

I have been to hell. Sometimes I still visit. But, every day I get up and put one foot in front of the other and there are good days among the bad. It's a long process, and we who go through this are stronger than the world gives us credit for.

Hi all

Happy New Year - Hope you are all doing well

Not much has changed in terms of my relationship.

Can you believe I am still here, still in this relationship that I know I shouldn’t be in but cannot find the strength to leave. I’ve been made to believe that if I end this relationship it’ll be over my paranoia.

I lost my dear darling nanny in July last year. She was my bestest friend in the whole world who I could tell absolutely everything to. I miss her so much.

I’ve told him if I can loose my Nan and learn to live without her I can certainly do the same with him!

He made me delete Instagram in June. Because if I didn’t he would leave me. I only realise how messy this all is when I write it out here. I’ve not written for so long because I was busy grieving the loss of my darling Nan and had put all of this mindfuck to the back of my head. But it’s always lurking and constantly triggered again.

He told me he doesn’t believe a word I say. It’s actually laughable. I mean I look back to when I first met him - holes in his shoes and all. (Sorry for the judgement, but I’ve put up with alot ALOT worse) Who does he think he is treating me this way?

He’s had a few doctors appointments last year - for depression apparently. A few blood tests done. The last one ordered was for sex hormone. He told me he had low testosterone, then a few days later said he had TOO MUCH testosterone. He hasn’t been for the sex hormone blood test because he is too embarrassed because it says “sex hormone” on the form. Obviously because he’s gay right?

I asked him why he didn’t order another AIDS test because the first was inconclusive and he said “oh actually I did, and I told you about this” (he didn’t tell me) -  said he had a blood test and it came back fine.

He doesn’t wear boxer shorts anymore because “they hold up his balls which isn’t good for men and masculinity”      Orrrrrr maybe just easy access for his hook ups!

He’s going to take some magic mushroom for a psychedelic trip to “reset his brain”. I’ve done a lot of research on this and it was used years ago in “gay conversion therapy”. I think he’s hoping this will make him straight. He is not going to do the trip around me “because he doesn’t feel safe or trust me in case he says or does something and I react badly”. To me that translates to “I don’t wanna blurt some secret out while I’m out of my mind on mushrooms!” Sooooo he’s going to Mummys house for his trip. Mummy obviously knows the secret.

I know this is taking me a long time, but I’m so grateful for this forum, even if it’s just to journal my experience. I don’t feel safe writing in a notebook or something in case he finds it.

Last edited by Pinklady (January 4, 2024 6:39 am)

Pink,


I think his saying he told you things he didn't..gaslighting just like the movie..is an evil thing. Much worst than being gay. I don't think mushrooms will fix that or anything.

Please keep yourself safe from his malevolent treatment.   Plan and plot your exit with extreme discretion.

Pink
Your husband is not using the Cialis to facilitate intimacy with you, but to amplify his sexual experiences with men. The reason you are finding several pills of the Cialis missing is not that he’s been using them covertly with you. The really hard truth I was to discover was that my GIDx, things with his male lovers were extremely important.  Many things that I mistook for events motivated towards me were really not that at all. His true motivation and heart was with men.

I was in a similar relationship with a man, although luckily not married. Which gave me the benefit of not having the emotional attachment of a spouse. My GIDx had a history of having a previous marriage to a woman 10 years prior, a 10 year old child, and before me I was soon to learn he had had several affairs with men (if not a lifetime of affairs). He STILL was trying to date women, and he STILL was not about to admit he was gay. You will likely never get a direct statement about being “gay”. This is irrelevant. They will never say “I AM GAY”, and why would they??

The one thing that helped me, was the similarity in the stories on this site. They all seem to play by the same playbook. The one thing was, I’ve never heard so many EXCUSES when it came to our physical relationship. My GIDx was incapable of making me happy physically. For some reason, I was reluctant to put my own needs first. Some of the excuses I heard were:

Depression
Anxiety
Depression meds
Insomnia
Insomnia meds
Too much alcohol
“My head’s not in the right space”
“You’re so petite”
“I need to take things more slowly”
Previous sexual abuse (implied from childhood)
Previous bad breakup (implied)
Too soon from previous relationship
Too fast
Too slow
Too aggressive
Too much pot
Bad work schedule
There’s a storm rolling in and the power might go out
I was on call too many nights in a row (turned out all a lie
My ex wife might come over at any minute
Constipation
Stomach ache
Chicken dinner didn’t sit quite right
You’re too pretty for me
My favorite: “I want to take things more slowly and make this special”
Noisy neighbors
“I love the anticipation and work up to the event”
“I love how you just like to cuddle”
Multiple disappearing events into the bathroom
Insomnia (didn’t sleep much the previous week)
Insomnia meds
Too much coffee
Too much tea
Renters called, interrupting the “mood”
“I really love how you are my best friend”
It’s too hot in here (opens all the windows)
It’s too cold (turning the heat up)
I pulled a hamstring at my most recent rendezvous at the gym.
“I really love how you kiss”
My child is difficult and resulted in my marriage imploding.
I’m not used to hugging.
“I think I need meds for depression”
“I’m really old fashioned, and like to establish a solid friendship first”

So . . . . . I too, at first wanted to believe all this bull. My GIDx is in a job that is very well respected, and he is also very respected. But I found out he was quite capable of fucking men in a heartbeat and without reservation. He, in fact referred to this as “compartmentalization”. He was the most upstanding citizen.  He was friends for years with several men I worked with “just like me” and their wives completely unknowing. The thing I resent the most is how much time I wasted and I truly thought I had met someone special. Don’t waste your love on someone who abuses you like this. You are young and have the chance to move on and save yourself. Unfortunately, these people are very proficient at stringing people along for their own selfish needs.

Yes I believe I am being gaslit by him - on a lot of subjects I bring up. I guess I stay because I’m scared to leave. That’s all - I’m scared. Scared of how I’m going to cope with two children on my own, scared of how I’m going to survive financially, and just scared to be on my own. I just crave someone to love and adore me, keep me safe, a leader, protector and provider. I’m old fashioned like that. All of this “boss babe” movement has got me into thinking I need to be earning loads and be a successful woman to be attractive. But that’s not what I really want. I need a safe space. Someone I can talk to about my sadness, who will lift me back up and let me know it’s all going to be ok. I feel so alone. He told me last night he’s into Asian women then in reaction to my shock took his comment back and changed it to “no I meant Italian or Latina”. Then quickly to “no I meant white women with dark hair and eyes”. Then he brought up the day he was “sexually assaulted by a man in the sauna” He got himself into a state calling me names again. Then later proceeded to ask me if we can stop this now and told me how he fancies the pants off me.  I am so confused and hurt by all of this and it’s like he doesn’t even care.