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April 5, 2023 7:58 pm  #31


Re: Husband GID or OW?

Hi Pink,

Look it's pretty simple by this stage.  The question isn't is he gay or not - yes he is, is he manipulative or not - yes he is, is he emotionally abusive or not - yes he is, is being married to him damaging or not - yes it is.   The question is how long do you want to listen to him because he will keep dishing it out for as long as you will take it - If you ask him if he is gay, he will deny it, simple as that.

So maybe where you need to start, rather than having yet another chat with him, is in self-reflection.  The hardest thing for me was facing my fears - it was very uncomfortable at the start, but it was also liberating.  Have you got any other options, can you see the possibility of a happier circumstance?

And talking with the other people in your life, have you got any family you are talking to? 

wishing you all the best, just take it one step at a time.

 

April 5, 2023 8:57 pm  #32


Re: Husband GID or OW?

Girl....run. Run hard, run fast.

It's time to look at you, not him. What is compelling you to stay with a man who tells you that there's a whole world of women out there that are prettier than you, but he stays with you cuz of what exactly?

Take a step back from the situation. You are not viewing this logically. Is there any way you can get some space? Take a break from everything. And take the time to think about what you want. Find a good therapist to help you view the situation objectively and look at what you want. 

At this point, the guy being gay or not is not the main concern.....the fact that he's shouting at you and calling you names and what not while you are trying to have a discussion is a big concern. You don't deserve that. 

I wish you the best is navigating this mind fuck. Put yourself first, then figure the rest out.

 

April 6, 2023 12:03 pm  #33


Re: Husband GID or OW?

Thank you all for your kind comments. I am so glad to have found this forum a few months ago. I think it’s what’s kept me sane while going through all of this. Just to know I’m not the only one going through this, although it’s sickening that SO MANY of us are going through it, it helps to know I’m not alone.

Since we had the conversation, or argument on his part, it’s almost like It didn’t even happen. He’s carried on life as normal, like I didn’t ever ask if he was gay. I cannot get my head around why I’m sitting here with so many unanswered questions and he’s just living life like it’s all rosy.

I’ve had 2 glasses of wine with my auntie this afternoon and he’s due home from work soon… I may just bring up the conversation again as I have a little Dutch courage!  How sad that I only feel comfortable to speak with my significant other, the man I’ve spent 13 years with, who knows everything about me - once I’m a little tipsy. I remember when I could speak to him about anything before all this shit started. Now I’m scared. But what am I scared of? I’m scared of him leaving me without knowing what went wrong in our relationship. Because I’ve been made to believe it was me. My jealousy, my “masculinity”. I’m too manly because I argue back. I’m too manly because I ask questions. I’m too manly because I’m outspoken and confident. But these were all things he liked about me when we met. He told me the other night he liked me because he saw something in me that he didn’t have. A strong sense of self. Now I feel he is trying to rip that away from me and I’d be lying if I said it wasn’t working. I am a shell of the woman I once was. My family and friends can see it and have seen it along time before I did myself.

He’s working late tonight … ok whatever. Funny that I brought up the conversation 2 days ago and since then he has to “work late”. 

I’m at a stage where I know full well my life can get better without him, but I’m so scared to be without him. I told him I’m going to see a therapist to help work out if this is all in my head and part or my insecurity and he said he’ll join me. I told him I’d rather do it alone and he can get his own therapist then maybe we can join each other. He didn’t like that I wanted to go alone and said I must have something to hide. I explained to him that I have nothing to hide but I feel him being in the room will not get us anywhere because we will just end up arguing- doesn’t matter there’s a third person involved, it would be pointless. He didn’t like that at all and so the outcome was another argument. At the start of all this, when he said he’s been sexually assaulted at the sauna, his mother told me maybe his father abused him as a child and he should go counselling on his own and then include me after a few sessions. He was not interested. And his mother quickly took her comment back. She called me the next day telling me “oh no his father definitely didn’t abuse him as a child”  I think she knows something.

Has anyone else found going to a therapist worthwhile? How did it help and what was the outcome?

I really thank you all from the bottom of my heart but I cannot find the words to reply to you individually. Honestly my head is scrambled, I have anxiety, my two children I’m sure can sense it, and I’ve just had enough really. I’m craving a love that I’ve never felt. Some loving arms around me to tell me that it’s going to be ok. I just feel like it’s not going to be ok. None of this is ok.

Last edited by Pinklady (April 6, 2023 12:06 pm)

     Thread Starter
 

April 6, 2023 12:31 pm  #34


Re: Husband GID or OW?

Anon2222 wrote:

Girl....run. Run hard, run fast.

It's time to look at you, not him. What is compelling you to stay with a man who tells you that there's a whole world of women out there that are prettier than you, but he stays with you cuz of what exactly?


In answer to your question, I asked him if he feels such a way about me, what does he LOVE about me? His answer was he likes my fashion and the stuff I do around the house. I remember thinking OH. Is that it? That’s all I’m worth to him? My clothes and housework. Nice.

Take a step back from the situation. You are not viewing this logically. Is there any way you can get some space? Take a break from everything. And take the time to think about what you want. Find a good therapist to help you view the situation objectively and look at what you want. 

At this point, the guy being gay or not is not the main concern.....the fact that he's shouting at you and calling you names and what not while you are trying to have a discussion is a big concern. You don't deserve that. 

I wish you the best is navigating this mind fuck. Put yourself first, then figure the rest out.

Last edited by Pinklady (April 6, 2023 12:33 pm)

     Thread Starter
 

April 6, 2023 6:43 pm  #35


Re: Husband GID or OW?

He's not straight because straight guys don't watch gay porn.

Notice what he did when you asked THE question: "Are you gay?"  Rather than deny it and try to woo you or make you feel loved by a straight guy, he tore you down.  My ex-wife did this to me, too.  She told me that I was overweight, wasn't there for her, and neglected her rather than answer simple questions about her sexuality in light of her same-sex affair.  I swear, these in-denial folks all have the same secret playbook to tear us down.

This man is gay, and he's abusing you by screwing with your mind.  Your world is an upside-down mess because the world you lived in doesn't actually exist, and you are understandably completely disoriented.  Therapy was really useful to me because it helped me regain my footing in reality and start walking forward.

Start planning your escape.  You don't deserve this, and you don't have to put up with a jerk.
 

 

April 6, 2023 8:32 pm  #36


Re: Husband GID or OW?

yes, plan your escape.  In answer to your question about therapy - I think it entirely depends on the therapist, some can be downright harmful so maybe your aunt or someone can point you in the direction of a good therapist?

You are right to refuse to go to a therapist with him along.  I think you have told him that you're going to do therapy so why not go ahead and see what you can find without further discussion with him - he sounds very controlling.  The way I see it, anxiety is a consequence and fear is our friend - it will help you navigate the tough times ahead, keep listening.  The way I helped myself was to lean into my feelings and be my own best friend.

The thing that steadied me was stopping the self doubts - you know he's gay and denying it, don't question yourself any more.  

Again, I will urge you not to keep having these conversations with him, stay casual and friendly, talk with him as much as you like, but don't engage - put your self-care first. 

wishing you all the best

Last edited by lily (April 6, 2023 8:40 pm)

 

April 7, 2023 4:32 pm  #37


Re: Husband GID or OW?

Just want to follow up on Lily's accurate comment about therapy.  

If he wants to come along to therapy with you, it's probably because he wants to engage in damage control.  But therapy is for YOU so YOU can sort out the mess that he's made.  Keep him the heck out of those sessions -- this is the time for you to take care of you, and to start regaining control of your life.  Having him come along to therapy is like adding an arsonist to the crew of a fire engine.

For what it's worth, I have awful experience on this front.  My ex-wife and I went to a single session of couple's therapy, which was a disaster.  She tried to use the session to paint me as a such a deeply flawed spouse that I somehow turned her into a lesbian adulteress.  Yeah, it made no sense, yet I spent weeks trying to recover from her teardown of me.  And guess what?  I was indeed a deeply flawed spouse to her because (drum roll, please)...I'm a straight dude; that's it.

Spare yourself the agony and take care of yourself.

 

August 14, 2023 9:51 am  #38


Re: Husband GID or OW?

Guys …. It’s been almost a year since “sauna day”.

He has spent the past god knows how long telling me that when I caught him masturbating (I went mad at him screaming how could you be getting off over other women!!!) and he said “how do you know it weren’t a man” HE ONLY SAID THAT BECAUSE HE THOUGHT IT WOULD BE EASIER FOR ME TO DEAL WITH! Soooo apparently it’s better for me if he was getting off to MEN rather than women.

Does this make sense to you all?

I mean I’ve been jealous during the beginning of our relationship. If he looked towards a pretty woman I’d have a moan at him. He says because of this, he thought if he’d told me he was watching a man on his phone while masturbating, I might think he’s gay and I would want to help him. Crazy stuff.

So I’m sat here asking myself - did he go to a gay sauna? Or did he go to a BROTHEL disguised as a Sauna, fucked a woman, then told me a man had abused him? Because he maybe thought “I’d find it easier to deal with than if a woman touched him”

Hmmmm …… thoughts anyone?

I know you’re all gonna say JUST LEAVE HIM. But guys it isn’t that easy. My two children love their daddy. Plus I am financially dependent on him.

Last edited by Pinklady (August 14, 2023 9:53 am)

     Thread Starter
 

August 14, 2023 3:08 pm  #39


Re: Husband GID or OW?

Pinklady wrote:

........I know you’re all gonna say JUST LEAVE HIM. But guys it isn’t that easy. My two children love their daddy. Plus I am financially dependent on him.

 

Hey Pink
I've been where you are. Granted my children are older but I was financially dependent too. It took soul-searching, digging deep and eventually realising that the only reason our 32 year r'ship worked was because I was willing, for whatever reason, to overlook the fact he had a sexual bent for men. 
But from the time I found, joined and fit into the Forum I have been moving towards shrugging off an identity I let myself wear for way too long. 
There is no time-limit for this. Or at least....this is your timeline so what anybody else says doesn't mean as much as what you're feeling and thinking and doing. It has taken me 6 years, a bucketload of indecision, another bucketload of tears but once I uncoupled from who we were it became easier to make progress/see clearer who *I* was. 

Yeah I felt the financially-dependent position I'd been in was a brick wall I'd never get over. Luckily Mum left me some money that I immediately squirreled away....under my own name. It was one of the steps I took before the decision to leave him. Pink do you have your own bank account? 
My family were one of my greatest supports. Are you able to confide in yours and will they support you? (and I'm not talking money...I mean emotionally)

Elle

 


KIA KAHA                       
 

August 14, 2023 4:38 pm  #40


Re: Husband GID or OW?

Pink, 

I think it's time to just accept he is gay.

all the best, Lily 

 

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