Benefit of the doubt: they may have thought it was love and having not felt it before, didn't understand that a piece was missing.  
  Heck, WE didn't know there was a piece missing.
     I wish for happiness...but boy, it would hurt a lot less if we got some happiness right away. And before they do!
(still, can't get the question out of my head, "Were they lying to me or to themselves? And would I feel any better about one over the other?)

Anon2222 wrote:

So, removing all emotion from it for a moment, I have been thinking about everything at face value......
....I've been thinking about this. And I honestly wonder if this is possible? I struggle with this idea. That he didn't know. Like....how do you not know?.....

 

I've been in this place. Where I filled my days with angst and concern for what the whole thing meant, not only for me but for my partner. I tried to understand him, I thought I should understand him.....because if I did maybe we could work the Mindfuck out together. Being emotional didn't work, neither did being angry so when couples counselling didn't help my last recourse was seeing a counsellor who was more LGBTQ friendly. To ask questions, simply to try to understand the other side of him. Total waste of time trying to understand somebody who doesn't want to be understood. Who keeps his inner thoughts under lock and key. Whose personal view of himself has/may have been so corrupted by his childhood, his Catholic mother, anti-gay opinion that he matured under a blanket of shame and inhibition and could only 'be himself' in an anonymous profile on a website where he could chat with other middle-aged men who were hiding their true selves. 

I understand you have time now to think about it all but I hope it becomes less important with each day

Elle
 

Anon,

Same here with my wife.  She said she always felt unsettled and her uncle saying she always toed the line to never push boundaries got her thinking about things and this was a year ago.  When she was thinking for a year she finally came to conclusion it was because she was a lesbian and thus being with men could never feel settled no matter what happened.  Her friends would talk about husbands a certain way and she wouldn't feel the same or her friend after having a kid said they felt grounded but my wife did not.  She always wondered why there wasn't more desire for sex with me.  She only admitted her fist kiss was a girl back in high school and that was only time she had any interaction of any sort with a woman.  

That her revelation has made feel free and that she wishes she had known sooner so we didn't get entangled with houses and kids etc and i didn't lose 12 years.  She never did anything to make it seem like she didn't want me.  She did say when she would shop for cards some of the messaging wasn't matching how she felt but didn't think much of it as she founds other cards that said what she wanted.  

She would initiate sex with me and we did what most relationships do.  Hugs kisses handholds etc.  Go on dates and have fun together.

So like you can I truly believe she didn't know?  I am going to say yes but only for my case and i will give you reasons that maybe help you conclude in your case.

She has told me and had a counseling session prior to telling me to confirm her feelings etc weren't just an anomaly.  Her mom will likely tell her she is going to hell as her pan sister her om is just "dealing with" and has left the house to not be around her.  She asked her pan sister for guidance on when she knew and what were the signs.  I can see how someone is unsettled.  She went through school, and became very successful married and two kids and started a new job and new house in the past year.  Always thinking achieving will eventually lead to feeling settled.  It didn't.  Her and I have had access to each other phones and passwords etc bank accounts were always shared and i knew where she was and what was happening and who she was with and no once did it not check out.  Her best friend of her life is i would say homophonic to an extent and her husband is massively homophobic so she may lose that connection as well.

I say to say she never told me she was "unsettled" because i would have pushed her to explore more before.  We definitely had the honeymoon phase when we started dating and after we got married so no signs of her feeling in different.

But here I am trying to find my way through all of this.
Hope this helps you figure out if they did or did not truly know before getting with you.