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September 26, 2022 2:24 pm  #1

Today is bad. Again.

I don’t even have a real reason.  I mean… do I really need a reason?  But today just feels bad all over again.

I feel so so so so so so so so crazy with my almost bipolar like mood swings.  I never used to feel quite so schizo-depressive.  I used to have ups and downs but not this back and forth between Death Valley highs and Mariana Trench lows.

This thread is even pointless.

Rob, lily, Blackie, Gloria, anon, Elle, etc…. I hope your days are going better than mine.  Thank you, lovely people.


September 26, 2022 3:34 pm  #2

Re: Today is bad. Again.

Victo wrote:

I don’t even have a real reason. I mean… do I really need a reason? But today just feels bad all over again. This thread is even pointless..

You dont need a reason my friend. It's normal. I am getting better a bit each day, but today for me was rough too. Having a hard time getting thoughts out of my mind, they just loop. I am trying to re-train my mind, to let go. Its incredibly hard to do, but I can't lose faith that I can do it. You can do it too!! I know you can. Keep going, you WILL get to the other side, I just know it! Keep moving forward, inch by inch! Nothing wrong with hard days....this shit is so painful and hard. I'm right there with you....we all are


September 26, 2022 4:49 pm  #3

Re: Today is bad. Again.

"This thread is even pointless."

You make a good point Victo

This Forum is great for whenever you simply need to express your thoughts


KIA KAHA                       

September 26, 2022 4:59 pm  #4

Re: Today is bad. Again.

yeah, I'm having a bad day too.  I'd like to have a whinge actually - how why oh how is it possible that the pain of the straight spouse is so overlooked.  It's staggering once you have experienced it for yourself.  But nobody talks about it, not even their children.  I don't understand it.

Just here - a tiny voice echoing from inside the belly of the beast, we acknowledge how bad it is.

Once I"d wrapped my head around the extraordinary levels of deception and he was in the rearview mirror I am still left needing to untangle the screw-up to my story, to my life, the expression of my sexuality, the heart and soul of me.

You can't stuff it into a basket forever, it comes spilling out and it takes two to knit a yarn.  so I think rule number one is  not to beat yourself up.  



September 26, 2022 9:56 pm  #5

Re: Today is bad. Again.

lily wrote:

Once I"d wrapped my head around the extraordinary levels of deception and he was in the rearview mirror I am still left needing to untangle the screw-up to my story, to my life, the expression of my sexuality, the heart and soul of me.

You can't stuff it into a basket forever, it comes spilling out and it takes two to knit a yarn.  so I think rule number one is  not to beat yourself up.  


Yes yes yes - all of those things. Too much to untangle. It’s just so surreal and so massive and all encompassing. And how does anyone move forward from this? And you can’t just put it aside but yet you also can’t just spill it out either. And how do you even know who you are anymore or who you used to be?


September 26, 2022 10:48 pm  #6

Re: Today is bad. Again.

There must be something in the air.

I did really well for the first 24 hours of my new fangled single life......then the wheels fell off. Today I wanted to cry from the frustration that is my new life. The dog woke me up at 4:30 am to start it all off. Now I feel like I'm just orchestrating the chaos that is my life. I'm exhausted.

I think my one dog got some doggy crack today and was bouncing off the walls. I was teaching a lecture from home and it sounded like a wolf pack losing their mind as I'm trying to explain the lymphatic system lol.

My little dog got into the room with the new cat and summarily got herself thwacked.

Then the new cat escaped and met my existing cat which ended in bristle brush tails hissing and spitting.

Tomorrow I work 14 hours to afford my glamourous new life.

I sent gay husband a text to say that a parcel arrived for him here and asked if he had gotten all his stuff in. He said he was settling in well and spent the entire day watching tv and playing video games.

Oh how I wish I could just walk away from my life without a care in the world. Treat your devoted wife of two decades like shit for a few years then waltz off into the sunset *eye roll*

The shell left behind that is me is in the same boat as the rest of you. I have no idea who I am, what I want, where I'm going or what is going to happen. At this point I can't see past just being able to afford my bills and prevent the house from falling over.

I hear these rumors that it gets better....


September 27, 2022 8:17 am  #7

Re: Today is bad. Again.

Yes, it is a roller-coaster of emotions. Over time the hills and valleys will level out.
One word of advice - don't ask him how it's going (or share similar about yourself). It's part of the detachment you should be working towards.

Hope the pet chaos settles soon.

Last edited by Daryl (September 27, 2022 8:18 am)

“The future is unwritten.”
― Joe Strummer

September 27, 2022 10:48 am  #8

Re: Today is bad. Again.

Daryl wrote:

One word of advice - don't ask him how it's going (or share similar about yourself). It's part of the detachment you should be working towards. 

This is just in time. I was just contemplating asking her this question. I won't now, knowing it is part of the detachment and would likely only bring me back in, which I don't want to do now that I can at least smell and taste the freedom and air that isnt full of lies and dishonesty. Thanks, Daryl


September 27, 2022 12:06 pm  #9

Re: Today is bad. Again.

So the reason yesterday was bad is nutty.  I’ll just tell the story:

I met a lovely single mom online.  Lovely.  We chatted for a couple weeks via a dating app.  We even discussed the SSA issue and she had a step dad (divorce atty) who had been married to her mom but who came out and divorced her out of the blue in 4 days after ten years together!!  So she understood the mindfuck!

I even explained that I had felt targeted by LGBTQ types and she completely understood and assured me she was into men.  And she was truthful.  Meanwhile, I  kept sending her my number, but communication stayed in the app.  We had planned to meet two different times and she backed out both times for seemingly legit reasons.

Finally, there was an orchestra concert in a local park that a relative of mine was performing at, so I was going anyway and I invited her along and she agreed and she even showed up.  And again, she was as lovely in person as on the app.

And we hit it off very well, and because my relative was performing, I had several family members there so she even met several people in my family!! 

I woke up the next morning to thank her for showing up and to nobody’s surprise reading this, she had deleted me off the app.

And I instantly felt down.  It was okay.  Nothing ventured, nothing gained.  And if you have been on these apps trying to date, you know by now that ghosting is common.  I have met maybe 100 women by now since the mindfuck and this is not that bad of a story.

But the whole thing seemed weirder than usual because the attraction was there and it was clearly mutual.

So a couple hours go by and I get an out of the blue text from my GID narcissist abuser ex.  And my blood pressure goes up just seeing the text hit my phone. 

Apparently, this lovely woman from the date who had ghosted me felt bad about ghosting me, had searched for me online, somehow found my ex’s number and texted HER!!!

So my ex sent along the contact info to me.  Now my ex didn’t comment or make much of a deal out of it, but the circumstances of it alone made everything that much more confusing and angsty.

And so I contacted this strange but lovely woman back and she was super embarrassed about involving  my ex.  She said she just wanted to let me know that she felt bad about ghosting me, that she thinks I’m dreamy and kind and smart and handsome but that we are not a match because of her insecurities.  She wants someone “more settled”.  And I’m thinking to myself how hard I have tried in my life to be settled but despite every effort, how unsettled I feel. 

Freedom’s just another word for nothing left to lose.

(And, she finally tells me, she has just gotten out of a relationship with a cop who she thinks is spying on her digital communications, etc…). 🤦‍♂️

And that is fine and again, is on par for the kind of lovely person she actually is.  Even in rejecting me, she wanted to make me feel good.  It is far preferable to the ghosting.  But the whole situation, particularly that my GID narcissist abuser ex got involved, just made me question my whole life all over again.

I want someone who wants me.  Specifically me.  And despite being married and having many girlfriends over the years, I have never had someone who wants me.  I have had people who wanted SOMEONE.   But being wanted for being myself is something that just does not seem to click for me in this universe.  I’m in my fifties and the whole chemistry and connection thing is extremely confusing to me.  More so now than at any point in my life.  And I remember feeling this way as a teenager!!!

Maybe these are good problems to have?  I know I’m dating and putting myself out there, and that is closer to where I want to be, but the confusion and awkwardness is still there every day, and the fact that despite everything I have done in my life and all that I have achieved, I’m still in the exact same emotional spot I was in when I was 17, but just with a lot more damage and less faith and trust… it makes me feel crazy.

Anyway… we all share stories here and this one is slightly different.  Thanks for reading.  I appreciate you all so much.

     Thread Starter

September 27, 2022 12:30 pm  #10

Re: Today is bad. Again.

Victo wrote:

I want someone who wants me. Specifically me.

I'll be honest (because I always am). When I read this, I nearly cried. Not because of "her", but because this resonated with me so strongly. I haven't been able to find the words, but this is it....I spent over half my life, 23 years, with someone who didn't want ME, and all I want if for someone to want me, specifically me...not just someone or the idea of what they think they should have. 

Victo, I feel you and am with you. I am sorry this happened to you. Day at a time my friend....but boy, did you just open my eyes...guess thats why its called a journey....


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