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June 1, 2022 6:20 pm  #1

Stuck - just so very stuck

I've been lurking on this site for a LONG time.  I've reached out for personal support and have gotten it but just could not go further.  I don't even know where to begin. . .  We've been married for 25 years.  I am straight.  (I would also like to just state that I'm not opposed to an alternate lifestyle.  It's just not one that I want for me.)  I thought we were happy . . . even though I suspected that he had someone on the side over the years.  I even asked him - at a few points and he was so mad and hurt.  Well, he did - it was him.  For years, I've been compared to "something".  My hair has not been long enough, my nails not done the way he likes, I'm not thin enough - I've been fat shamed for years.  (All of these criticisms have been in front of friends and family.  The pity in other people's eyes just kill me.)  We have 3 kids.  They are all teenagers.  One has started college.  They don't know.  I don't even know where to begin and how to manage that.
We started couples counseling after I had surgery about 5 years ago.  He was just awful and absent.  (Surgery was major reconstructive on a foot.  It was not elective.  My children, mother-in-law, friends, and family took care of me.)  He came out to me after almost a year of counseling.  I was shocked to say the very least.  First, he was just a cross dresser.  Then he was gender fluid.  Then he was a trans-gender lesbian.  I am not sure where he is now.  This all happened over an 8 month or so period.  Meanwhile, my mother, who was ill for a long time, died.  She was my best friend and confidant.  I miss her so much (still) that it hurts.  I am truly lost and feel broken.
He has started to transform.  He wants to grow his own breasts.  He takes the hormones; tells me he isn't.  He wants to get laser hair removal.   Did I mention the drinking?  (By the way, the drinking was NEVER addressed in counseling.  Ironically, it was how I started my session with the therapist alone.  That he drank.  I also talked about the PORN.  Seriously, can anyone say BIG RED FLAGS?  Nope. Not really addressed in counseling. His drinking affected not only me but our children as well.  How we walk on eggshells around him.  We were in counseling for almost 3 years.  Mom's death, Covid, the therapists schedule all seemed to get in the way for us to make any real progress in counseling.  I went to see the therapist alone and she advised me to "rip off the band-aid and tell him I want a divorce".  I wanted help.  I asked for help.  That was the answer from the professional that I got.  Stuck.  Just Stuck.
I've been told that it was my fault that he cross dressed.  That it was my fault that he has had issues performing.  That it was my fault that the grill rusted.  (Sorry.  Can't make this crap up.)
I've set boundaries.  He's broken them.  (On all levels.)  Recently, he tried to go through a clothing store with me in high heels even though I've made it perfectly clear that I will NOT appear in public with him dressed as anything than a man.  The therapist called me inflexible and unaccepting.  I did point out that he changed the "rules" of our marriage and that she told me that I should be "stronger in setting boundaries and holding him to it".  So there, I set a boundary.  I'm sticking to it.  If this is what he wants, I'm good with that.  I'm fully aware that the marriage that I thought that I had is GONE.  I'm just trying to figure out if what I have is what I want and where do I go from here?
Mom has been gone now about 1.5 years.  I feel like I'm living in an altered reality.  One that if you told me I'd be in, that I would have laughed so very hard at.  Of course, like every other story here, there is way, way more.
While he is better is some ways, he is worse in others.  There are still unresolved issues between us.  While I do love him, I want to be happy.  I want my children to be happy and in a good environment.  My time with them is coming to an end.  I want them to be equipped with a good foundation to be able to move forward in their lives.  And yes, I would like him to be happy to.  I'm just not really sure on how to get there.  I do not hate him.  I feel sorry for him.  How awful to not know who/what you are and then lash out at your family.
I'm not sure what I'm looking for here . . . advice, understanding, direction, support . . . anything you have to give, I'll take.  I don't have anyone that truly understands what I'm in and how to go forward for my kids and me.  I got shoved in that damn closet (just like everyone else) the day that he told me.


June 1, 2022 9:29 pm  #2

Re: Stuck - just so very stuck

Stop listening to anybody you know deep down is not there for you. 

Stop going to a counsellor who calls you unaccepting and inflexible. That counsellor is not on your side. You'll never make any decisions about your life as long as you have people coming at you with negativity.

You have to see, acknowledge and pull out ....from deep down inside yourself.....the strength of your character that's going to answer back to all these nay-sayers and say "hell no...this is my life
The first few times you push back are the scariest, then you'll get better at it. When I wanted to talk to an LGBTQ counsellor to try and understand my partner he basically told me to let my partner do what he wanted. I only went once. But I learnt not to try to understand somebody who didn't want to be understood, and to only expect help from those I knew were on my side

We're glad you found us Stuck welcome to our Forum


KIA KAHA                       

June 1, 2022 10:37 pm  #3

Re: Stuck - just so very stuck

I'm doing to echo to drop that counselor.   You need someone who is in your corner with you and your well being first and foremost.  You are allowed to have boundaries, setup consequences should he cross them.  If he wants to go dressed to the store than he can go by himself.  We do not have to live their lives with them.  

I'm sorry you are going through this and know you are not alone right now.  I blamed myself for the last 10 years as my husband had zero interest in sex with me.  He never initiated and when I tried he'd brush me off or be unable to perform.  I was so humiliated that I gave up.  I thought it was because of the weight I'd gained and my surgery scars.  I was partially right in he didn't want me and I could never be what he wanted, a man.  He only came out a couple of months ago but the damage of so many years of lies majorly impacted my mental health.  He knew the severity of my body issues and choose to do nothing.

One of my dear friends had a friend whose husband did the same thing.  And most of their friend circle rallied around the person who came out, because everyone loves a good coming out story and wants to celebrate them.  Forgetting those of us they left behind in the ashes of their lies and other toxic behaviors. 

You need to decide what you want your future to be.  Do you want to try to stay together knowing the lifestyle he is working towards or do you want to go have a life of your own.  Whatever that decision is we will support you and want you to be happy.  We have people on here that have stayed, those that have left, and many in the process of the separation.  


June 2, 2022 11:56 am  #4

Re: Stuck - just so very stuck


OMG..do not go back to that counselor.
Find a therapist to help you with trauma and betrayal.   I dropped my last therapist and considered myself done when she said "there are two sides to every divorce"...like I was at fault.   Right.   

It took me a while but I do believe in my marriage I was inmasculated...like normal guy things were wrong. Like you when the kids were older she decided to exercise her gayness and I was suddenly this bad husband.

The fact is when they are not attracted to you there is little we can do right be it sex or ordinary things.

You are not at fault.  You like men and are a women..he is not a God, demigod, supreme being that can change that. He does not have the power. Likewise there is nothing you can do that cam make him gay/trans/green alien. He definitely changed the rules/goalposts.   Know that since he did this it gives you carte blanch to do as you see fit.  He can be a man/woman/green alien  if he wants and you can be what you  always were ..just not with him.

Wishing you strength and fortitude.

Last edited by Rob (June 2, 2022 11:56 am)

"For we walk by faith, not by sight .."  2Corinthians 5:7

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