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March 27, 2022 10:16 pm  #1


Sex after partner

Hi all,

It's been a while since I've come on here. 

It’s been a year since my previous partner and I had separated after she came out as gay. We were together for 3.5 years before she came out (I'm turning 30 next week). Since then I’ve worked really hard to try and build myself back up whether it be through therapy, finding new hobbies, focusing on my career, etc., and as much as I feel like I’ve made progress in my life there’s still this major hole that feels like a festering wound and that’s opening myself up to the idea of starting a new relationship and also engaging sexually with new partners.

I’ve tried dating again but I just keep facing barriers. I find it really hard to make a connection with someone else. I find it really difficult to trust a new partner as I’m scared of the same moment happening again. Maybe it’s not to do with their sexuality but I feel like I’m in this constant fear of having to be the perfect individual for someone to like me. And once I start to get comfortable with a person and open up to them they come to the realization that they don’t feel an attraction to me and decide to end things (it’s happened 3x now).
Since separating from my ex I’ve had numerous amounts of sexual encounters (not trying to brag, just being honest). But I find it really difficult to feel fully comfortable in that setting. In full honesty, I have not been able to achieve an orgasm with another partner since my ex and I had split. I think a lot of the time I’m so caught up in my partner's experience and making sure that they’re into it and that I’m satisfying them (even though it seems like they are) that I don’t even care about myself in that setting anymore. Many of the women seem to leave frustrated that I'm unable to finish and they think it's because I don't like them. I really do want to find another partner and get to share the same amazing experiences I did with her and really do want to feel loved again but I’m really starting to feel like I’m broken for good.
I'm wondering if anyone else has had the same experience and can provide me with some advice.

Sincerely,

E

 

March 28, 2022 9:05 am  #2


Re: Sex after partner

Erichtsf,

Don't beat yourself up.  TGT.. the gift that keeps on giving.

I think if the person that is of high quality then they will understand our physical problems.  If all they equate with you is a good sexual experience I pity them..they will be extremely unhappy later in life when their sexual partner slows down in that area. 

There are some really good people out there..most are not as horrible as our exs.   Maybe this isn't your  mental and physical problem but some aspect of the person your with also..our worth is not determined by how good we are in bed.


"For we walk by faith, not by sight .."  2Corinthians 5:7
 

March 29, 2022 4:19 pm  #3


Re: Sex after partner

Hi erichtsf,

I'm an older woman, but maybe I can help a bit here - you talk about wanting to have the amazing experiences that you had with a gay woman and feel loved again - there's an issue right there, sex with a straight woman is going to be different.  romantic love is going to be different.

that you still have a yen for your ex is going to stop you wanting to connect romantically with anyone else. emotionally you are still being faithful to her like a married husband.

If I were a therapist which I'm not, I would advise you to do some self exploration - pick up a brush and paint, pick up a pen and write, just think sexy thoughts and get them out where you can see them where it is still private to you.

and maybe you have to cauterise the wound - think about your ex a bit - she's gay, she never was attracted to you physically, snd didn't feel the need to tell you that for 3 to 4 years - and now you know it.  Does that make you feel angry or do you still have her on an undeserved pedestal?  my ex's big excuse was he never asked to be born.  still annoys the hell out of me to remember how he said that to me while hiding being gay, always keeping me in thrall to him.  like my mission in life was to make him a nice pillow to sit on.

I wouldn't worry too much about repeat experiences - maybe they will happen idk but at least you are more resourced to identify and cope with them now, at some point, hopefully, when the moon is in the right quarter and the heavens align, you will meet the right woman to get into bed with.

 

 

April 3, 2022 2:14 am  #4


Re: Sex after partner

Erichstsf-

Here is some sexual advice from someone who hasn’t had sex in decades (thanks to my STBX) - lol.

I personally can’t imagine any woman giving a damn if you climax or not if you are so focused on giving her a good experience. Personally to me it would show selflessness. Frankly I hope to have casual sex some day and I want it to be all about me! Lol.

I would suggest you talk talk talk. Talk to a therapist about your anxiety over not having an orgasm.  Be open about whether or not you can have one while masturbating. That will help the therapist give pertinent advice. Talk to a specialist about it - there are real medical issues that can cause delayed ejaculation and it might be good to get those ruled our. Talk to your next potential sex partner before hand. Trust me, if she is a quality woman and you tell her that you might not climax but you want to give her a great experience, she will be all in and it might alleviate some of your nerves. Maybe even seek out a more mature woman who is less caught up in the ‘expectations’ of sex and just wants to have a good time.

It does seem like you are dealing with a lot of anxiety which is completely understandable. You might actually be convincing yourself that your partners seem frustrated.  It could also be showing in your interactions with the women you want to form a connect with that you say decide they are not attracted to you. My therapist always tells me (I dont always listen) that I have to take care of myself first. Maybe right now that’s what you need too. Work with someone to face all of these feelings head on and learn how to process them in a healthy way. It’s only been a year since it was over with your gay ex.  That is nothing. Give yourself some time. And try not to be so hard on yourself.  You had someone put you through the emotional wringer. It takes time to heal.

This whole thing sucks. You don’t have to bounce back.

 

April 3, 2022 12:46 pm  #5


Re: Sex after partner

Don't know if this will be helpful, but here's my story, for what it's worth.

I have not had any sexual encounters with anyone since I left my trans ex four years ago.  For quite a while after I left my ex was unable to orgasm while masturbating (and orgasm had always come easily to me--no pun intended).  I think I was reacting to the shock and grief and the pain of feeling discarded for a make-believe woman (him, in women's lingerie).  It took more than a year before I recovered enough that I could begin feeling even a little bit better about myself, and to be able to give myself even the occasional orgasm. 

I do understand what you say about women feeling as if they are failures when you don't orgasm, as I used to feel that way when my now-ex wouldn't/couldn't.   I used to think it was because I wasn't desirable or wasn't doing something "right."  (I had no idea it was because my now-ex had rejected the model of male sexuality and actively did not want to orgasm during heterosexual sex.)  With you I think it's a case of both partners wanting to be enough, but fearing you aren't.  

 

 

April 5, 2022 11:46 am  #6


Re: Sex after partner

Hasn’t happened yet!
         Scarred AF. Will everything work? Has it changed? What do I need to know? Is there a prep course I can take? Safety checklist? And how the hell do you get a partner?
     No matter how you look at it, I was sexually unattractive...if not repulsive, for a decade of the marriage. 
      Sober, 60-year-old man seeking sex for validation is not in demand as much as you’d think I’d be.  I just can’t take the rejection one more time. That really hurt.
   Dating still seems to be: Man pushes until woman says ‘NO’. Summon up your courage and ask for consent on each step.  ‘Yes’ 14 times and we may be up to ‘naked’.
    Dates have been great multi-hour conversations....Am I not aggressive enough? Am I just not attractive? Am I gay (I DID marry a lesbian without knowing it!) Am I self-sabotaging out of fear? Just not ready?
   One date told me, “I’m only interested in long term” Lady, I’m 60! How long a term you think we got? My ‘let’s take it slow, build a family and a life together” phase ended when my ex-wife said, “I’m having feelings I need to explore”.
   Moved out two years ago. Two weeks before the quarantine began. I work at a nightclub, so friends, social life, and support system all shut down. 
   Knowing it’s dangerous territory, I quit drinking, started attending Zoom meetings, and kept my apartment neat. Proactive self-care. So, it will also be first sex in sobriety!
    “Working on myself”, “processing”, and “giving myself a break”. But it feels like I’ve come out of a bunker after surviving a plague to discover my entire generation is gone. The world is now age inappropriate 30-year-olds. I’m a senior, het male and therefore predatory, not to be trusted.  Creepy.
     Told a friend, “I honestly can’t imagine being wanted or desired. I don’t know if I’ll ever have sex again”. He replied, “Not with that attitude”.
    I know this may all be self-absorbed whining.

 

April 5, 2022 3:12 pm  #7


Re: Sex after partner

It's been a while. Two and a bit years. I don't miss sex, don't need it. I feel unwanted, sometimes ugly, mostly just invisible.
Angry...yes angry my life has turned out like this. The best parts were with the man who ruined it, and now that I'm invisible I don't have to pretend anymore because nobody sees who I am

Elle


KIA KAHA                       
 

April 6, 2022 8:55 am  #8


Re: Sex after partner

Please don't feel that way about yourself Elle/Kia. You are important. Keep posting here as much as you need to. Please know that I am holding a good thought for you.

 

April 6, 2022 11:32 am  #9


Re: Sex after partner

I know at least as a woman, I get turned on when I feel my partner thinks I'm beautiful.  Three decades' worth of being made to feel loathsome makes it awfully challenging to get turned on again.

 

April 18, 2022 1:07 pm  #10


Re: Sex after partner

@erichtsf

Men are conditioned to believe that they don't need an emotional connection for sex. While somewhat true, I believe that most men enjoy sex much more when they are emotionally and romantically connected.

Trust is delicate in all dating, and feeling anxious is only normal after TGT rollercoaster.

To me, it sounds like you may need to spend more time getting to emotionally connect with your partners and to really establish trust. With trust you may feel more comfortable prioritizing yourself, versus simply focusing on pleasing them.

 

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