lily wrote:

Thanks, Annie - it felt good to write.

Um, it sounds to me like he is fantasising that you are a man. ah, I wonder if that is how they keep it up when young!

I don't think it will last.  The awful truth - that you are a female - has to be impacting on his subconscious too, doesn't it.

My sense of things is sexual orientation is just that - your orientation.  The direction you look.  Now try and look in both directions, you'd need independently swivelling eyes and two separate brains to assimilate the input and two bodies if you wanted to walk both ways.

My understanding is that a person who is honestly describing themselves as bisexual is someone who has their emotionality geared towards mating with opposite sex but when it comes to it, it's at odds with their orientation and the way this resolves itself is when they meet someone of the same sex that they form a romantic bond with.  Then their emotionality falls into place.  

I would be surprised if your husband has reached his 30's without having felt romantic about enough men to know that's what he wants.  Sorry but it's unlikely he's confused - he's confusing you though, isn't he.  Doesn't he realise how much it hurts?  

Gay in denial, it's a thing.

 

My fears exactly. I am definitely going to take the time to reconsider my next move. I don't think I can risk the detrimental effect this will have on both of our mental health in the future. Too much anxiety, too much uncertainty. Like you said..better now than later! Many thanks again.

Daryl wrote:

anniescott wrote:

Daryl, I agree it puts tremendous pressure where it should not be. My thoughts on this however is I wonder if this is caused by subconsciously feeling his lack of attraction to women in general, where it takes more work to gain his attention because of it.

Possible I suppose. Does it make you look more androgynous? If so, I'd speculate the chances go way up.

Be well through all this.
 

At my tiniest, I had very little curves. At some point, when you're that small, you start to look more like a younger boy than a normal woman. He is also extremely thin himself so maybe it's just his preference in women as well. Still, not the healthiest. So in that sense yes.
 

Last edited by anniescott (February 23, 2022 7:30 pm)

MJM017 & Gloria, thank you both for your responses. I find myself constantly being pulled into this black hole of anxiety and doubt so it helps to hear once again from others that it is not just me in my head.

Is oral sex considered just as fulfilling for some men? Some people would argue that this is in fact still considered sex, so it wouldn't really make him gay. That's what confuses me. Because every single other area of intimacy is normal and he does seem to desire me sexually. Ugh!

Anyway, thanks to anyone who has made it this far. I appreciate any and every response. It's helpful to hear all the different perspectives. I make it a point to read through this forum as often as possible, it really helps present the reality of the situation and has been incredibly eye-opening.

Hope everyone has a good day

Last edited by anniescott (March 1, 2022 12:24 pm)

Trust your instincts and intuition. I really wish I had. I don't know anyone who trusted their intuition and later regretted it. If you need to know for sure, there are some things that don't lie. His mouth is not one of them. Text messages, Internet browser histories, and location data--these things don't lie. That sounds extreme to say, but I have found when it comes to things like this, the person that they lie to the MOST can be themselves. He may be able to sincerely look you in the eyes and say "I'm straight" and actually mean it and believe it. But the fact a person has to say / try to convince their sexual partner that they are straight / attracted to them / in love with them is the biggest evidence that they are not indeed, straight/ attracted to them / in love with them.

My GIDX wanted me to be so thin and muscular that I would feel like a hard statue when he touched me. His words. His preferred sex was anal, with me facing away from him so all he saw was my back. I used to think if there was such a thing as projected anorexia, he had it, because he wanted me to be impossibly thin. When my waist measured 23 inches, he still demanded I lose more weight. When I look back at old pictures, I looked like a bobble head with stick arms. 

He claimed that he liked big boobs and wanted me to get a boob job, but I think that was just a rationalization for why he never, and I mean never, touched my boobs. (besides, my boobs are nice C cups, not tiny) At the very end of our marriage when he was trying to convince me he'd changed, he managed to stroke my chest in between my boobs, but still made no direct boob contact. I didn't realize how weird that was until after I divorced him and had a healthy heterosexual relationship. 

When I told one of my best friends about how he wanted me to be stick thin and muscular, she immediately said, "is he gay?" I denied it, because he did manage to have sex with me. I didn't realize at the time that many gay men can have sex with women, they just don't want it and aren't turned on, but they can perform. I felt stupid when I finally realized the truth.