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February 8, 2022 9:26 am  #1


caregiver in a MOM

I've been bouncing back and forth for 6 years about staying in my marriage. Sometimes I think I would have been better off if I had left in the beginning of all of this, but I did not. Now I must learn to accept my fate and learn to make my MOM work. I decided to seek out a caregiver support group, then realized they would not understand the half of it, my marriage is far from normal. So I decided to turn to OurPath for help. Here's my situation. My GID husband has been bouncing in and out of the closet for 6 years since his announcement. He has had some major health issues over these past 6 years. Each time one has happened he has pushed himself back into the closet declaring either that God does not want him to be gay and is punishing him or that it is not safe to be gay with his condition. He has had 5 surgeries in 5 years, all "structural". After each surgery, he came out of the closet stating he needs to fulfill his sexual desires and cannot resist anymore, only for another ailment to strike pushing him back into the closet. Then last April the big one hit..... massive heart attack with major heart muscle damage. This time no surgery will put humpty dumpty back together. To him being gay never happened. He came home from the hospital declaring that God did not want him to have these feelings and therefore he refused to be gay, end of discussion. So where does this put me, I had finally accepted that our marriage was like a contract. We were best friends who loved each other, but not in a sexual way. We lived together, shared dreams, finances, laughs and tears, but not a bed. We had lives beyond each other. He believes that declaring himself "not gay" is all it takes and our marriage is now back to the way it was before he came out of the closet. But I have emotional scars that do not heal. I feel that I cannot talk to him about this anymore, as getting upset makes him have chest pains and shortness of breathe. Then I ask myself, are these real symptoms or just his way of getting what he wants. He is the great manipulator. Now, since the heart attack, he has a lot of mental baggage, fear of being alone is the biggest. It seems my going to the market alone is difficult for him to deal with. I'm starting to feel trapped. I don't want to feel like I'm just waiting for him to die so that I can live again, but I must admit these feeling are real. I dream of escaping the reality, it is my most prevalent thoughts. I stayed in my MOM by choice, but I no longer have a choice. I'm sure I am not the only one, how do you cope? How do you not feel anger or entrapment?

 

February 8, 2022 12:42 pm  #2


Re: caregiver in a MOM

LostNalone wrote:

........... I stayed in my MOM by choice, but I no longer have a choice. I'm sure I am not the only one, how do you cope? How do you not feel anger or entrapment?

 

Lost....welcome to our Forum
I stayed in my r'ship, and the ironic thing is...I'm only now at the place where I realise I should/could have left years ago, because nothing's really changed at all, within myself I mean...I still feel a resentment that, while softened by the easy life staying here affords me, means that I live with the thought I would never be enough for my partner and even if he never ever hooks up with/plays around/fulfills his fantasy to be fucked by a man.....that thought will always be uppermost in my mind. 
So Lost....financially are you able to break away?
Edited to say....I read some of your older posts and you say you're not materialistic and could "fit everything in a couple of boxes so money is obviously not a driver. How about your children/step children...are any of them in a position to take over the role of caregiver?

Elle
 

Last edited by Ellexoh_nz (February 8, 2022 5:34 pm)


KIA KAHA                       
 

February 8, 2022 9:26 pm  #3


Re: caregiver in a MOM

Lost, If you went to the market alone and he died it wouldn't be your fault, it would be nature calling time on a bad heart he was either born with or gave himself through poor lifestyle choices. None of that is on you. You did your job just staying with such a difficult, manipulative, selfish man - and nature will have relieved you.

But don't rely on nature to solve your problem.  We lived with my dad's dicky heart for 40 years (quad open heart bypass in the 1980s, later periodic stents) He died of old age at 89 last year.

So perhaps ou should seek a therapist to help you set firm boundaries with your spouse while you work out what you want to do about your life.

For example, if you had separate lives and interests before the heart attack you should maintain your separate life.  You cannot permit him to limit you in such a way that even going to the market alone is not possible for you.

Sign him up to an emergency call button service to use if you are not there. All you could do anyway if he had a heart attack at home would be call an ambulance. The service calls the ambulance then calls you so you can meet them at the hospital.

If he's worried about being alone hire carers or get community volunteer visitors to be with him when you don't want to be or can't be because you have your own life.

If he isnt happy with your arrangements, get him some info on assisted living facilities where people are round all the time. Because you are simply not going to be there all the time.

Get some support for yourself and try to at least to maintain your me time and separate life and interests for the present.

Think carefully about the long term.

 

February 8, 2022 10:10 pm  #4


Re: caregiver in a MOM

If you are going to remain married and live in the US, I suggest that you consult an attorney experienced in Elder Law and Medicaid planning to try to keep your spouse's medical expenses from leaving you impoverished. Assisted living and in-home care are very expenses if you and your spouse do not qualify financially for government programs.

Sometimes even when a couple are happily married in order to get the disabled spouse the care that is needed the couple ultimately decides to divorce. You need to not only take care of yourself physically and mentally but also protect your finances.


Try Gardening. It'll keep you grounded.
 

February 8, 2022 10:11 pm  #5


Re: caregiver in a MOM

Sorry for the errors:
very expensive
couple is
 


Try Gardening. It'll keep you grounded.
 

February 8, 2022 11:20 pm  #6


Re: caregiver in a MOM

Hi Lost,

You need breaks from caregiving or you will burn yourself out.  Not good for yourself or your husband.   

I found an article about Medicaid divorces:

https://www.divorcemag.com/articles/medical-divorce-saving-elderly-couples-from-financial-ruin

No one will judge you for any path you choose.  You need to follow the path that you think is best.


No - It's not too late. It's not hopeless. Even there, there's something I can do. I just have to find the will. Ikiru (1952), film directed by Akira Kurosawa 
 

February 10, 2022 9:05 am  #7


Re: caregiver in a MOM

Thank you all for your comments/suggestions. This forum has been a "mind" saver for me. I feel it is my only outlet. His closet is my closet, I know you all understand that. Elle, you said it best when you wrote. I live with the thought I would never be enough for my partner and even if he never ever hooks up with/plays around/fulfills his fantasy to be fucked by a man....."  That truly is my feelings. 
He has no biological children. No family close enough to be willing to help care for him. Sad as it is, I am all he has. After listening to everyone here and really pondering the situation, I believe that what I need is to be strong and firm and stand my ground. Life is going back to pre heart attack mode. I need to have a life. I need to be able to come and go as I please. He can afford his own care if/when he needs it. Right now, he physically is able to care for himself, he just doesn't want to. Thank you for helping me get the courage to stand back on my own two feet, I did not cause this, it was not my fault. If he does not like it, well then, divorce becomes the alternative. I will let that become his choice

     Thread Starter
 

February 10, 2022 1:20 pm  #8


Re: caregiver in a MOM

LostNalone wrote:

....... Sad as it is, I am all he has........I believe that what I need is to be strong and firm and stand my ground. ........ I need to have a life. I need to be able to come and go as I please.........I did not cause this, it was not my fault. If he does not like it, well then, divorce becomes the alternative. I will let that become his choice

Lost ....don't let it become his choice. This is your life we're talking about. I can't remember if you've said if you have a lawyer but I really think your situation needs a legal advocate, mostly to sit beside/counteract the loyalty that keeps you helping the man who ruined your life. 
You could make your staying and being there for him into a contract. And expect payment for it, compensation. It would be a business transaction. 
To do this you would need to see him not as a millstone around your neck...but rather as a means to an end....which would be your freedom. To stop feeling he holds this Mindfuck over you but that you are taking your power back
Can you put space between him and you? Like....still care for him but move out and live somewhere else?

Elle


KIA KAHA                       
 

February 12, 2022 9:22 am  #9


Re: caregiver in a MOM

I stayed in my relationship longer than I should have. He was very generous to me and loved my pets. I had such low self esteem for staying with him. Money is not important to me but he helped me get by. I finally realized that my self worth and self esteem was more important than all of my expensive pet bills being paid. You have to decide what matters to you the most. I will be holding a good thought for you.

 

April 26, 2022 3:32 pm  #10


Re: caregiver in a MOM

Hi,
I understand feeling trapped. IMO your marriage was doing well pre heart attack and there's no reason for that to change for you. You had a decent partnership that ended up being more about companionship than intimacy. You might just let him know that's all you have to give because he's flip flopped so many times that you simply can't and won't trust him any further than that.
Eventually chances are he will go back to being with other men, if the pattern holds. I'd get legally separated. Not for Medicaid but to know where you stand financially, but keep the ability to be his medical advocate easily. Also, should he end up in assisted living, your assets would be protected. It seems like a common theme here for ladies to say to protect yourself financially but I think we've all seen cautionary tales.

 

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