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July 6, 2022 1:06 am  #31

Re: Feel lost

I was wondering if anyone has successfully gone for an annulment rather than a divorce? In my country, I understand there is a 6 months window after a gender reassignment (change of name and gender in passport, birth certificate etc) where the spouse can apply for an annulment? A financial court order would be separate.
Does anybody have any experience of this? 


July 6, 2022 9:21 am  #32

Re: Feel lost

That sounds like a very fair solution.  I wish it were like that in the US.


December 3, 2022 10:02 pm  #33

Re: Feel lost

Looking for any advice/support/help. I'm 11 months on now from the announcement that he is transgender and although we live separately and have no contact still get very upset and experience very dark days. 

Firstly, I have a meltdown whenever I encounter a mature trans woman. Yesterday I had to engage with a 50ish trans woman at work and just couldn't do it and had to call in someone to take my place as I was in bits. I thought with the help of therapy I was progressing well but realized that the upset and trauma is still there and I'm not as strong as I thought I was. I still have feelings of betrayal, deceit, injustice and feelings of loss for a male partner who I truly believed to be male. Does anyone else experience this?
Secondly, my sister's son (my nephew) wants to invite my STBX to his wedding next year which I find deeply upsetting. Neither my sister nor my nephew think there is anything unusual about this as 'they like him' even when I have pointed out he is no longer part of this family so why is he being treated as such? I feel my feelings are not being considered at all so their compromise is to send him an e-vite to a live streaming of the ceremony. I find this really creepy because my STBX will be looking for me through the camera. If this happens I don't want to go.
Any advice as to how to handle this? My sister knows how difficult I have found this last year with days where I have not wanted to carry on and yet I am having to fight my corner and explain how an invite to my STBX, who has hidden a secret throughout our marriage is not appropriate.

     Thread Starter

December 4, 2022 12:24 pm  #34

Re: Feel lost

*virtual hug*

My situation isn't the same (my husband lied to me for years, manipulated me, gaslit me, on and on....until he sat down beside me and said I'm gay, I'm divorcing you, and walked out). Honestly, when people bring up the whole LGBTQ etc stuff I struggle to not fall to pieces.

I also struggle with feelings of betrayal, deceit, injustice and loss. Looking at him actually repulses me now. I could care less about the rest of the world and what they do....but I am a straight, heterosexual woman, and I was under the impression I married a straight, heterosexual man. I feel like I was lied to. I have absolutely no desire to be with someone who fantasizes about sex with men while sleeping with me (found that little nugget out that he had been doing it for years and I had no idea). 

The thought that I was married to a gay man for 2 decades has really messed me up psychologically.

My family has been struggling with all this, and are trying to be as supportive as they can. I can't imagine what it would be like if my family acted like yours. It adds another level of betrayal. They are being callous to your situation and stomping on your valid concerns/emotions.

Please do whatever you need to do to take care of yourself. If the wedding is going to cause you stress, then I wouldn't go. It's perfectly ok to not be ok. Protect yourself first and foremost. Tell your sister and nephew that this is non-negotiable. If your ex is invited/watching/whatever then you will not be in attendance. And if that ends up happening then do something just for yourself that day. Take that time for self care.

I have found part of the cruelty of all this, is that a lot of people really don't get it. They have no idea what we go through and the level of devastation we face. People here get it though. Keep sharing as much as you need.   


December 4, 2022 8:27 pm  #35

Re: Feel lost

    After my now-ex's trans bomb drop, it took me three years just to leave!  I am now seven years out from the bomb drop, and four from the divorce, and I still do not want to have to have anything to do with my ex, because I would no doubt fall apart after any interaction!  Thankfully I am no contact with him, but even so the day after interacting with my adult son I am off balance, just knowing he is in contact with his father.

Because I don't see my ex, and because the past few years I have been preoccupied with my mother's decline and death, and am now clearing out her house and settling her estate, the pain of the trans nightmare I lived in has by necessity been edged out of my consciousness, but nonetheless when I do think of him and that time I continue to have similar feelings about my ex ("betrayal, deceit, injustice, and loss"--also anger), and no doubt always will, as all those feelings seem to me entirely appropriate reactions to what I--and you--have experienced.

Like you, I cannot bear to be in the company of trans people, as it brings forcefully back to me that time and the trauma I experienced.  If I see a trans woman--and you can ALWAYS tell--I turn around and walk the other way.  I cannot imagine having to interact with one at work. 

 As for the wedding.  It is a disappointment that your sister and nephew can't understand the trauma, or even imagine what a blow it is--and what kind of blow it is and how it affects one--when a male spouse declares he's a woman.  I have concluded that this is one of those situations that you have had to experience before you understand it.  You cannot, of course, make your sister and nephew understand what it is like, and you cannot force them not to invite your ex.  They probably think they have come up with a reasonable compromise, the way I did when in grad school when it was my turn to provide the mid-class snack I made Quiche Lorraine (which is made with bacon), but made one individual sized quiche without the bacon to respect the dietary restrictions of the Muslim member of the class, never thinking that even though he himself wasn't being asked to eat bacon he had to sit there surrounded by those who were eating it.  At the time I congratulated myself for my cultural sensitivity; now I cringe at my cluelessness!

You can only control your own actions.  If your sister and nephew are determined to invite your ex to the streaming version of the ceremony, and the thought of his gaze on you is intolerable to you, it's your right to set a boundary that protects you.  You can thank them for being willing to compromise, explain why you are still uncomfortable, acknowledge that they are of course entitled to invite him if they wish, tell them that your discomfort with their compromise means that you yourself feel comfortable attending only by streaming, and wish your nephew all happiness.  

Last edited by OutofHisCloset (December 4, 2022 8:39 pm)


December 5, 2022 5:29 am  #36

Re: Feel lost

Hi Nadine, Thanks for reaching out. I was in a very similar situation to yours—about two years ago I heard through another family member that my sister’s son, my nephew, had invited my ex to my nephew’s wedding. I was “beside myself” as my mother used to say, because although I had not gone into specifics, I had told ALL of my siblings maybe four years ago that my ex had “betrayed” me in a profound way and that I would no longer be including him in my family functions and hoped they understood why I wanted them to do the same. In my case, there was no streaming g option. So my sister was adamant and nasty, arguing her son could invite whomever he wanted to. I did not disagree with that statement, but I pointed out that while my nephew had a choice, so did I. I also had the choice not to attend. I asked my sister to consider how she would feel if I contacted HER ex (they divorced because he didn’t pay their marital pay income tax for two years and lied about it to my sister—a financial betrayal) for anything and asked her to consider advising her son to protect ME. She was adamant in her son’s favor. This dilemma drove me into counseling! Without anyone’s permission, I contacted my ex and asked him why on earth he would consider attending my nephew’s wedding? And gave him the reason’s why that would be further crushing to me and to please consider his choice carefully. Ultimately he did not attend, so I did, and yet my relationship with my sister and nephew has never been the same.  I posted here about this at some point but can’t find that now. Please, please work it through in a way that protects you, in a way you feel “safe”, even if that means you decline the invitation. YOU matter!


December 8, 2022 6:18 pm  #37

Re: Feel lost

Thank you Toward the light, Out of His Closet and Anon2222 you have all been very helpful. 
I just can't understand that I have to explain to my sister why this is so upsetting for me. I have sensed for a little while that she thinks it's time I just get over the whole trans thing - she's never said but you can sense it, can't you? She has appeared supportive by visiting and calling regularly but the relationship is complicated. I don't think she has the emotional capacity to empathise. The possible invite/evite to my STBX has caused me a lot of anxiety, stress and pain all of which I didn't need while I'm not in a good place.
I have taken all your comments and advice on board though - I really appreciate them.

The update to all this is that my nephew has decided to call my youngest son to discuss it. Why he has to be drawn into all this I don't know. I called my son to give him the heads up as I have been protecting him from all this upset but he was in total agreement that my STBX (his other parent) should not be invited in any  form. I felt like bursting into tears when my son said that. So we'll see what happens now.

As for encountering trans women.... it will be a long time, if ever, before I feel ok with it. My heart races, I feel unsteady and tears start.... and then I can't stop. 

     Thread Starter

December 19, 2022 7:41 am  #38

Re: Feel lost

Hi Nadine. I am going through a similar situation and am hoping you are doing well. My husband came out to me as trans in January as well. She just figured out that I am not a lesbian even though from the get go I have told her this. I don’t know how to move forward. I love her but I don’t love her body. How are you coping? If I’m honest I am not coping at all. I am depressed and have gained 60 pounds. I feel like I have to justify her decisions to the world but it hurts. I’m not sure about anything and my confidence is at an all time low. We have been together for 12 years, as sad as it makes me, I’m glad we don’t have children, that have to explain this to people in their life. It’s hard enough as an adult. Everyone is flabbergasted, I have been told to leave, I have been told to pray harder, I have been told I could go to hell. Idk how to move on and not hurt anyone in the process.


December 19, 2022 8:54 am  #39

Re: Feel lost


" I have been told to leave, I have been told to pray harder, I have been told I could go to hell. Idk how to move on and not hurt anyone in the process."

Um no...  just no.    I spent years talking to my priest as my GX cheated with her girlfriend.  How do i save the marriage, how do I get her to stop, what do I do ?

In a sentence... I dont think God meant for us to be in a marriage where we are hurt over and over.. to be abused.    It comes as a shock until other people say it ... that we are abused...I couldn't believe it as first .. I was like ..no she loves me.   Reality was she would say she loves me and in the next minute leave to have sex with her girlfriend.    My fierce loyalty and love for her did not  alleviate the hurt and trauma.  Those religious people saying one must stay in such marriage clearly have not lived in such a hurtful one.    
Even my priest said there was no way I could simply stay and accept this..  

At no point was I  told I would go to hell..  heck I was living in hell already and could not see how hell itself could be any worst.    I commonly refer to my years living with my cheating GX as hell on earth.    

We love them but they hurt us..   Do not join them in hurting yourself..  You did nothing wrong but love fiercely and loyally.   I sleep well at night knowing that in this life and the next I can say I kept all my vows and did all I humanly could for my GX..   I could certainly not have been a sane, stable father to my kids if I stayed in such a marriage.

PS:   I see you referring to your transitioning husband as her.  At first I couldn't understand it... but now I see It shows your love and loyalty.   It shows what kind of person you are.    No..  I do not think such a person is going to hell.

A kind e-hug.. virtual but authentic and full of wishes of strength and fortitude.


"For we walk by faith, not by sight .."  2Corinthians 5:7

December 19, 2022 6:28 pm  #40

Re: Feel lost

Thank you, Rob. I respect her trauma. She isn’t cheating on me. She is just becoming a she. Most of my family is middle of the road in their beliefs but then we have a couple of extreme believers that are concerned for my soul and what staying portrays to the outside world (because presentation is everything). I don’t know what I want, aside from some quiet time alone, like really alone in the mountains with no cell service. Sometimes I wish she were an asshole it would make things so much easier if I hated her. But I understand her pain and her not knowing how to handle her feelings up until now and deciding to finally come out. My heart aches for both of us. 


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