I've just been having a really hard time lately and needed to vent.

My husband and I have been married 5 years and have 4 kids. I'm stuck in the marriage for the kids, because I don't want him to be alone with my kids. He's also a narcissist and always puts our kids in danger because he doesn't watch or care about them. He also mentally abuses them, and I try my best to keep them away from him and protect them.


Anyway, I've known he was gay for awhile. There's been multiple incidents. He never wants to have sex. He tells me I'm weird for wanting to be intimate. He doesn't hug, kiss, compliment, or even look at me. I feel invisible to him. We had an argument recently and I told him maybe we just needed more alone time, to hangout together without the kids, and he literally gave me excuse after excuse about why he should have to go on dates with me and that wouldn't help our marriage. He doesn't even want to be alone with me. He was in love with his boss, who I think is in the closet too, but they both had a thing for eachother. He almost got my husband to leave me, but our pastor convinced my husband to leave the company to help our marriage, because his boss was a "bad influence" on him. I prayed our issues would be over, but now he's found a young guy at church (who seems like he could be gay) to have a crush on. Every week as soon as he sees him, he gives him the biggest hug and smiles like I've never seen him smile before. When he talks to him he blocks away the whole world, including myself and our kids. It disgusts me that he can do that right in front of my face, and think that I can't see what is going on. He honestly flirts with him, and compliments him...even though he tells me he isn't affectionate and doesn't know how to compliment...when I need that. I have to take my kids to the car and we have to sit out there and wait until he's done talking to this man.

Lately he's been drinking when he has to be intimate with me. If I see him making drinks, I already know he'll initiate sex. He never does normally, but he has to get drunk to do what has to be done. Enough so ill leave him alone. Even when he's drunk it's pitch black in the room, his eyes are closed, and he doesn't kiss me. He never kisses, hugs, touches, or even looks at me in general. He tells me he doesn't know how and it's something he has to work on. I've asked him if he was gay or bi multiple times during fights, and he always denies it. We're Christian, and he's all about portraying the perfect Christian family, so I know he will never come out. I wish that he would just tell me, or I could catch him doing something so at least I could get confirmation. I did catch him buying womens shavers, women underwear, and lube one time, and I thought maybe he was wearing them, but he always lies and comes up with excuses for everything.

He's also a narcissist, so he doesn't care about my feelings at all. Even if I try to tell him how I feel, he always starts a huge fight and flips everything around onto me that I don't keep the house clean enough, cook good enough, or that somehow everything's my fault. He has seen me heartbroken crying on the floor and he just walks away and never cares.

I just feel so lonely, and invisible. I miss getting a man's attention/affection. It's just really hard to figure out how to keep doing this and keep a smile on my face for people and our kids. I just wish my husband could love me, and if he can't I wish he could just be honest with me.

Last edited by momofboys04 (January 1, 2022 7:13 pm)