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November 14, 2021 5:27 am  #11

Re: Do you feel like a victim?

I am very new to this, my stbx came out in August this year to me but one thing i have not allowed myself to feel is the victim or the cause of all of this, yes i am shattered that my best friend has ripped up all our plans for retirement and driven a wedge in between our family that will probably end up with me not seeing my daughter everyday and stbx not seeing her son every day, yes i feel lonely and a bit of a mug for not seeing this coming, and yes i feel its all such a waste. However from our soon to be ending 20 year marriage i have two brilliant children and mostly good memories, the main thing that has lacked in my life for the last 12 years has been intimacy and affection which i totally misread as just my stbx being that way.

it may be too soon but i have got myself out there again (virtually) and am starting to speak to ladies again (virtually for now) i have probably a year to run before i have any hope of the divorce going through/finalising, and i am not in a great position as i still cohabit with stbx, which does seem to be highly unattractive to any future love interest (and i cant blame them for that)  so i may be in limbo, lonely and filled with negative feelings that come and go but i have left her closet thanks to help and advice from these forums and i refuse to be a victim. (which is obviously much easier said than done but i am getting there)


November 14, 2021 8:16 am  #12

Re: Do you feel like a victim?

".it may be too soon but i have got myself out there again (virtually) and am starting to speak to ladies again (virtually for now) ..."

Yes its too soon as you are seeing and not fair to anyone you meet.    You are not wrong per se..   what you are seeing is that there are many nice, normal people out there..  and  you are seeing the stark contrast to what your wife has made your relationship to be...  one where  they are not really that nice or "all in".. one where intimacy is doled out sparingly..an unkindness and dysfunction that you couldn't quite put your finger on but now you see..  For me I did not have to go online..just talking to say cashier in the supermarket showed me how nice other people were and how unkind my then STDX was.. Anyone was nicer than her.    Like you I did not want to waste one more second investing in someone that lied and hurt me...   but..

 But sometimes, for a temporary time, we need to be the lone wolf.   Its a time of reflection to get to know yourself and a time to stoically exit the closet with honor and  pride..  To me it was sort of like graduation.. not from the end of my marriage but from a non-heterosexual relationship.  It was pomp and circumstance. The future unknown but wide open.   That maybe, someday  I could have a normal relationship.      Only sometime after I was divorced and on my own did I decide I was ok to talk to woman.   Just seemed right
and ok..to be untraumtized etc.   That and the woman I spoke with were also on their own and not in the middle of a divorce..   nothing more attractive, to me ,then a divorced woman raising her kids on her own..
To me, having been through this, it shows strength, courage and integrity.

Don't be afraid of being alone.. alone is ok.  Alone away from the hurt and abuse is peaceful and strengthening.     

"For we walk by faith, not by sight .."  2Corinthians 5:7

November 16, 2021 11:55 pm  #13

Re: Do you feel like a victim?

Following this thread's line of thinking... how does one not feel like a victim? To feel suppressed, used and silenced most of your life and when you voice why at any point to almost anyone they call you hateful and homophobic? So that the person who still perpetrates abuse remains free to live as they want without check, not just previously but always? I don't see a way for equality to every be achieved under such an unbalanced cultural regime.... I've been alone for a very long time. That doesn't make for equality or reparation. 

Part of my concern isn't simply what he did to me and who he is as a person-- but far more importantly-- how most people facilitate and/or participate in the abuse and erasure. It seems like inequality is all society really supports in this regard when this is what stands out as a main life experience and outsiders are both ignorant and don't care. (Why care about X [LGBTQ rights] when one doesn't care about Y [abuse]? What is equality? Too much critical analysis or too distant a result from the cause to trigger the mental linking of wrong?) Fundamentally it seems the problem is about psychology and sociology, not just "victims".


November 17, 2021 12:16 am  #14

Re: Do you feel like a victim?

Trauma doesn't make one stronger. I've learned several common cliches are dangerously wrong. People shouldn't try to burn themselves out or push past their breaking points. Trying to get most people to understand is like talking to a wall, or talking to something that turns around and facilitates what's violating/ violent to you. I always feel on the defensive (triggered, high-alert), so I've learned to silence myself and not be honest so I don't get exhausted and sick simply expressing what I know to be true. It seems most people will choose to deny non-LGBTQ-flattering perspectives and are triggered to react in defense of their views just as strongly. I have empathy for many of the anecdotes and feelings expressed in this forum, but absolutely nowhere outside it will people even allow you to state what you know and has so much affected who you are.


November 17, 2021 12:24 am  #15

Re: Do you feel like a victim?

Also, Momoftwo, I read your post over a week ago and it really sticks with me (like some do). There aren't words for some things (at least in this language), to express either wrong or care. But thanks for sharing your experience. 


November 17, 2021 8:13 pm  #16

Re: Do you feel like a victim?

I have no problem saying I was a victim of my ex.  It's no more difficult than it would be saying I was a victim if a shark bit me.  I didn't ask to be hoovered up into the closet, not one iota.  and I didn't want to be.  I guess you could say well you asked for it because you were swimming in the sea but I think that's a bit of a stretch, swimming in the sea is a part of my natural preserve, so was dating.  I accept I am the type of person who makes a tasty meal but that doesn't mean I wanted to be eaten.  well not by a shark anyway.

I too am entirely silenced other than here.  It's like we are socially primed to give the closet space and I think maybe it's simply because there's so much of it. 



November 18, 2021 11:07 am  #17

Re: Do you feel like a victim?

I was a victim of my ex, and when I divorced him I was re-victimized by the judge.  I call it "the second rape" which is what judges routinely used to torment women who came forward with rape accusations.  My judge did the exact same thing.

I'd love to say it's all in the past, except there was so much money involved ... and I really got screwed.

Judge Hank Goldberg.  Previous career highlights included being part of the prosecution team that actually managed to lose the OJ Simpson murder trial.


November 18, 2021 1:09 pm  #18

Re: Do you feel like a victim?

so sorry to hear that Walkby, that must have been awful.  Just awful.  

yes it's the re-victimisation as the ex fires up and then it's the further re-victimisation as people don't or won't understand and now that it is some time ago for me and I am back to social norms where you don't show any sign of ever even questioning the right of a person with homosexual leanings to marry and maintain their closet.  And yet I know first hand how distressing it is to be used like that.



November 23, 2021 6:56 pm  #19

Re: Do you feel like a victim?

I am sorry too, walk.  That's horrible.[img]https://cdn.boardhost.com/emoticons/worried.png[/img].   😖

I've had to let go of a fantasy that all people are inherently good.  Some have chosen a morally corrupt life and enjoy the material benefits of it.  It's nearly impossible to reverse course.

I share TGT here only as well.  In the gay mecca where I live, I'd be accused of making it up.   You move here to come out of the closet, not to stay in it. There's so much support and community  The fact that someone is hiding in there is not on the radar.  It's like saying the earth is flat.

Last edited by MJM017 (November 23, 2021 7:03 pm)

No - It's not too late. It's not hopeless. Even there, there's something I can do. I just have to find the will. Ikiru (1952), film directed by Akira Kurosawa 

November 24, 2021 2:35 pm  #20

Re: Do you feel like a victim?

MJM, I think it must be the same the world over, from the hill villages of Asia to San Francisco.  

The thing swept so firmly under the carpet is the seriousness of the levels of pain the straight spouse goes into.


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