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October 26, 2021 5:30 pm  #11


Re: He will Never Admit to Being Gay

My GIDXw had this sigh.  She’d sigh loudly as though any given day or event was just not good enough. 

That sigh was often passive aggressive, and every time she did it, it would cut through me and make me feel like nothing I could do would ever make her happy…

It was her anger/depression/fuckyou sigh.  Just thinking about it makes me shudder.

 

December 11, 2021 9:03 pm  #12


Re: He will Never Admit to Being Gay

Victo wrote:

My GIDXw had this sigh. She’d sigh loudly as though any given day or event was just not good enough.

That sigh was often passive aggressive, and every time she did it, it would cut through me and make me feel like nothing I could do would ever make her happy…

It was her anger/depression/fuckyou sigh. Just thinking about it makes me shudder.

I totally know what you're talking about Vico, I'm new to this forum and this is my first post. Reading everyone's stories has been so eye-opening and cathartic for me, so glad I found this forum. My long-term boyfriend/partner is clearly hiding his sexuality from me and I think from himself as well. Every now and then when he's in a certain mood out of the blue he will do this sigh. There's something about it... It has this strange mildly passive-aggressive disappointment/surrender tone to it. Like he's shaking his head at me to a story running in his mind.

It feels like he secretly wants me to pick up on the tone, but I know if I ever called him out on it he would get irritated, defensive and deny it. I would be the overly-sensitive one reading into things that weren't there. Basically he'd gaslight me. It has only happened a handful of times in our relationship but it always makes my stomach tense up and my instinctual inner alarm bells go off. In response I always deny/ignore/repress and tell myself it didn't just happen. Then everything is back to "normal" and he is his charming self again.

We've been together for 7 years, live together and now he wants to get married. He is not abusive and is supportive and loving but he's never been very physically affectionate and he's definitely self absorbed. He always talks about how turned on by me he is and how sexy I am, he showers me with words and dotes on me(maybe out of guilt?),  but his words fall flat and do not line up with his actions. He will pretend to come on to me when it's the least convenient time when he knows I won't reciprocate, but never does when there would be a possibility I might. Then he will gaslight me later at times that I'm the one always turning him down and make a joke out of it. When we do have sex it's great but he can act so feminine at times... Yes, it's so objvious I know! I will post my story and epiphanies on other threads later as I think it all through because I do think it is helpful for all of us to read about each other's situations.

I think he is hiding behind our relationship, and I think also from himself his whole life(he's turning 50 next year). Yes, I have been a Beard this whole time to a man who can't accept that he is probably gay/maybe bi/potentially trans??? All I know for a fact is that he is definitely not straight, and being anything else definitely scares the crap out of him. I know this in my bones. It's been like living with an alien creature or a strange life form that you're trying to figure out but just can't quite put your finger on it. Can't see the forest because of the trees, ha ha!

...I'm sending big love and support out to each and every one of you dealing with these crazy-making situations. We are all brave souls, onward ho!

Last edited by PrairieBorn (December 11, 2021 11:03 pm)

 

December 12, 2021 10:31 am  #13


Re: He will Never Admit to Being Gay

PrairieBorn wrote:

I will post my story and epiphanies on other threads later as I think it all through because I do think it is helpful for all of us to read about each other's situations.

I think he is hiding behind our relationship, and I think also from himself his whole life(he's turning 50 next year). Yes, I have been a Beard this whole time to a man who can't accept that he is probably gay/maybe bi/potentially trans??? All I know for a fact is that he is definitely not straight, and being anything else definitely scares the crap out of him. I know this in my bones. It's been like living with an alien creature or a strange life form that you're trying to figure out but just can't quite put your finger on it. Can't see the forest because of the trees, ha ha!

...I'm sending big love and support out to each and every one of you dealing with these crazy-making situations. We are all brave souls, onward ho!

PrairieBorn, I highly recommend that you start your own thread. It can be helpful to collect everything into one place for easy review. I'm not sure what your thoughts are but I would caution entering marriage until things are more certain. The question marks here are many. Marriage may place him in a situation where he feels less 'pressure to perform' but put you in an empty space.

Last edited by Daryl (December 12, 2021 10:32 am)


“The future is unwritten.”
― Joe Strummer
 

December 12, 2021 11:39 pm  #14


Re: He will Never Admit to Being Gay

Daryl thank you so much for your response and valuable advice. I agree with you wholeheartedly, marriage is out of the question for me considering my gut feeling of the circumstance. I do love and care for him very much, however, but have made my peace with the uncomfortable truth of our relationship. Figuring out my next step in all of this is the hard part simply because I have no hard evidence, only my intuition to go by. I will take your advice to start my own thread soon, forums are completely new to me. Thanks to you all for helping my fog to clear!

 

December 13, 2021 3:29 pm  #15


Re: He will Never Admit to Being Gay

Hi Prairie,  I think one of the difficulties we have in understanding our GID partners is that it is foreign to our nature.

Once I realised he was hiding being gay I thought oh it will be better now because he can be open with me.

oops!  walked straight over the thought - how could he have hidden this from me all this time?

Really after a little while I stopped being predictive and just watched a new person emerge out of the fictional one I had married.

The person you met was an act, the one you are going to meet over this next little while is the one who has always been there - running an act.  and this is not going to stop.  he is different to the way you imagined him to be because he is different to you.  Can you imagine keeping something like that hidden from your loved one?  and yet there he is doing it like it's bread and butter, as easy as falling off a log.  year after year, second after second.  in the bedroom and in public.

One day a friend came to visit.  I was supposed to have given up smoking, but when she came in she smelt the smoke and I denied it, but I'm sure I smelt it, oh it must have come from outside, I denied it three times.  Then I saw the look of confusion on her face.  She was starting to believe me and consequently doubting herself, her own true observations, and it was hurting her.  I came clean and started saying sorry.  That's the best I can understand it.  He does something that causes hurt and he watches that and he keeps doing it.

Self doubt is not good for you.  The basics, when your basic perception is denied and you believe it then you lose trust in yourself.

Last edited by lily (December 13, 2021 3:33 pm)

 

December 13, 2021 9:49 pm  #16


Re: He will Never Admit to Being Gay

lily wrote:

.....One day a friend came to visit.  I was supposed to have given up smoking, but when she came in she smelt the smoke and I denied it, but I'm sure I smelt it, oh it must have come from outside, I denied it three times.  Then I saw the look of confusion on her face.  She was starting to believe me and consequently doubting herself, her own true observations, and it was hurting her.  I came clean and started saying sorry.  That's the best I can understand it.  He does something that causes hurt and he watches that and he keeps doing it....

That's such a good explanation Lily
 


KIA KAHA                       
 

December 14, 2021 8:16 am  #17


Re: He will Never Admit to Being Gay

Lily wrote:
"Once I realised he was hiding being gay I thought oh it will be better now because he can be open with me.


oops!  walked straight over the thought - how could he have hidden this from me all this time?:


Also brilliant!  That first sentence describes the way many, many of us on the Forum have reported feeling when we are still mired in denial and grasping for hope.  The second describes what our subsequent realization after we discover that our first thoughts, and the "honeymoon" after disclosure, don't pan out and reality sets in.

 

 

December 14, 2021 5:08 pm  #18


Re: He will Never Admit to Being Gay

thanks, these are very nice comments to get.  thank you.

 

December 15, 2021 12:11 am  #19


Re: He will Never Admit to Being Gay

My husband and I began counseling last week after I gave an ultimatum.  I refuse to go through another year like the last one.  My husband is a crossdresser and, from my perspective, a sex addict.  He is happier in ladies' nighties than he ever is with me.  His eyes sparkle and there is joy in his carriage.  His walk sounds like a woman's walk - suppose that sounds weird, but it is a different walk.  I have refused participation in his crossdressing, not that I did not try.  The s**t hit the fan when I borrowed his phone to take pictures at a family event.  He had selfies of him in nighties.  That was not surprising, but when I tried to forward the family pics to my email, an odd email popped up.  I asked him who this stranger was.  It was his alter ego, a place for him to send his selfies.  I have no idea where he goes online.  He told me it was my fault because I was not responsive enough, especially with the crossdressing.  Thus the ultimatum.  I am a senior citizen, married five years to him, and not doing well with this journey.  I must figure things out soon for my sanity.

 

December 16, 2021 9:08 am  #20


Re: He will Never Admit to Being Gay

My heart goes out to you. My ex gay boyfriend dresses in woman's clothes (I never saw this but was told about it)  When I broke up with him, he still would not admit that he is gay. He's 77 and will never come out. I am glad that your husband agreed to counseling and I wish you the best.

 

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