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October 19, 2021 12:05 pm  #1


Found his Grindr but he denies being Gay/Bi…

I found his Grindr acc and he lost it, got really aggressive and crossed the line physically. He denied being gay/bi or any interest in men romantically/ sexually, even though he has used Grindr and other apps like Jackd/scruff/hornet etc.. for years.
After I said I was leaving he said he was sexually assaulted by a slightly older male child when he was very young. He said it was all about control for him but he used it days before our wedding and as soon as he could after, put pressure on me to have children, let his family cross boundaries and just became so
Cold. He always performed in the bedroom which has me even more confused. I said I want a divorce and he’s been so nasty since and spreading lies. I’m seeing a therapist and working through understanding narcissism and how/ why I ended up in a marriage where I was being used as a “beard”..
I’m struggling and don’t want to out him, that’s his business but he’s lied and turned very viscous - like a stranger after he ruined our marriage.
Help me please!

 

October 19, 2021 1:29 pm  #2


Re: Found his Grindr but he denies being Gay/Bi…

My comments in red...

ExHoGrindrEndedMyMarriage wrote:

I found his Grindr acc and he lost it, got really aggressive and crossed the line physically. He denied being gay/bi or any interest in men romantically/ sexually, even though he has used Grindr and other apps like Jackd/scruff/hornet etc.. for years. "crossed the line physically" do you mean he hit you?
After I said I was leaving he said he was sexually assaulted by a slightly older male child when he was very young. I read that many gay/bi spouses admit to sexual assault by others when they were young and it often appears to be a last resort admission to gain sympathy He said it was all about control for him but he used it days before our wedding and as soon as he could after, put pressure on me to have children, let his family cross boundaries and just became so
Cold. My partner of 37 yrs used a sexually-dominating approach in the early days and I accepted it because I wasn't threatened by it. Time went on, things changed and everything became must clearer. He always performed in the bedroom which has me even more confused. I said I want a divorce and he’s been so nasty since and spreading lies. I’m seeing a therapist and working through understanding narcissism and how/ why I ended up in a marriage where I was being used as a “beard”..we end up in these r'ships because it never starts out narcisistically, and by the time we're in deep......
I’m struggling and don’t want to out him, that’s his business but he’s lied and turned very viscous - like a stranger after he ruined our marriage.
Help me please!..the fact that you know who and what he is can be enough for you at the moment. This will give you time to plan because big decisions made in little time often are the wrong ones. 
Are you scared for your life, and of him?......

Elle
 


KIA KAHA                       
 

October 19, 2021 1:43 pm  #3


Re: Found his Grindr but he denies being Gay/Bi…

Hi EndedMyMarriage,

My late GIDXH crossed the line physically many times. I so get that. IME, once they get aggressive it doesn't stop. Sorry if the following is a repeat. First, I would strongly suggest reporting this incident to the police. They won't arrest him since it's after the fact (unfortunately). The police will give you a report number that you take a photo of. Keep that photo in a few places in your phone. Give a copy of it to your therapist.  Reporting him sets strong boundaries for yourself and your children.  If you need further help, like for a restraining order or getting local resources, this group was helpful to me (am in the US):  https://www.thehotline.org/

My late ex also told me he was sexually abused as a child. It's may be true but it doesn't excuse lying and domestic violence. I was sexually abused as a kid. I've never been violent, lied or felt compelled to seek same sex activities.  A kind member (who hasn't posted in a long time) suggested a helpful book about domestic abusers - "Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men" by Lundy Bancroft.

My late ex also slandered me to members of my family and neighbors when we separated. He was the source of  vicious and nasty gossip. It's very painful and unfair.    He was better at convincing people his lies were the truth than I was when I was telling the truth. Cutting all contact with him was a godsend.

Continue with your therapist. You can move forward from this. Post when you need or want to,.

Maria 


 


No - It's not too late. It's not hopeless. Even there, there's something I can do. I just have to find the will. Ikiru (1952), film directed by Akira Kurosawa 
 

October 20, 2021 12:38 pm  #4


Re: Found his Grindr but he denies being Gay/Bi…

Ex,

Yeah they get angry when we find out their secrets..  Anger was my GXs primary response to most everything..
Even these days, years divorced,  she remains volatile and quick to anger.     In the end she would throw things at me and get so enraged.    It was a change for me.. I used to hug her and now I physically fear her..  very hard to love someone you physically fear.    Years away from her, I lock my doors at night and its not to keep burglars out.
    Make your plans and and keep safe..    Make sure you have a room or some place in the home that is a safe spot.  Make sure he knows if he comes into your spot  its not ok and if he touches you again you have no problem calling the police.       Do whatever you have to do to keep safe both physically and mentally.

Prayers of strength and safety 
 


"For we walk by faith, not by sight .."  2Corinthians 5:7
 

October 26, 2021 5:58 am  #5


Re: Found his Grindr but he denies being Gay/Bi…

ExHoGrindrEndedMyMarriage wrote:

I found his Grindr acc and he lost it, got really aggressive and crossed the line physically. He denied being gay/bi or any interest in men romantically/ sexually, even though he has used Grindr and other apps like Jackd/scruff/hornet etc.. for years.
After I said I was leaving he said he was sexually assaulted by a slightly older male child when he was very young. He said it was all about control for him but he used it days before our wedding and as soon as he could after, put pressure on me to have children, let his family cross boundaries and just became so
Cold. He always performed in the bedroom which has me even more confused. I said I want a divorce and he’s been so nasty since and spreading lies. I’m seeing a therapist and working through understanding narcissism and how/ why I ended up in a marriage where I was being used as a “beard”..
I’m struggling and don’t want to out him, that’s his business but he’s lied and turned very viscous - like a stranger after he ruined our marriage.
Help me please!

Hey, it sounds to me like he needs help. Being sexually assaulted as a child/teen can do severe damage to your sexuality. I know many LGBTQ+ would disagree, but I would say people who have been sexually assaulted have that "privilege" to know themselves who this affected them. I know people who have been sexually abused that are very promiscous, they themselves say they feel a disconnect to their sexuality. The fact that he is confused and needs to find the control could be true. I am NOT saying you should put up with this behaviour or allow it to happen. But my advice is 1) Find a good conselor that knows how sexual abuse and say to him that he needs to go. 2) Set limits to your husband and a deadline. If you feel that he is uncertain about his sexuality and needs to explore more than You need to end this by a certain date. 3) Find a good couples counselor and 4) Start taking care of yourself. Focus on yourself. 



 

 

October 26, 2021 1:03 pm  #6


Re: Found his Grindr but he denies being Gay/Bi…

StraightBiRelationship wrote:

Hey, it sounds to me like he needs help. Being sexually assaulted as a child/teen can do severe damage to your sexuality. I know many LGBTQ+ would disagree, but I would say people who have been sexually assaulted have that "privilege" to know themselves who this affected them. I know people who have been sexually abused that are very promiscous, they themselves say they feel a disconnect to their sexuality. The fact that he is confused and needs to find the control could be true. I am NOT saying you should put up with this behaviour or allow it to happen. But my advice is 1) Find a good conselor that knows how sexual abuse and say to him that he needs to go. 2) Set limits to your husband and a deadline. If you feel that he is uncertain about his sexuality and needs to explore more than You need to end this by a certain date. 3) Find a good couples counselor and 4) Start taking care of yourself. Focus on yourself. 

 

This is a support board for straightspouses, not MOMs. The advice in this post belongs on the MOM board

Elle


KIA KAHA                       
 

October 27, 2021 3:27 am  #7


Re: Found his Grindr but he denies being Gay/Bi…

Ellexoh_nz wrote:

StraightBiRelationship wrote:

Hey, it sounds to me like he needs help. Being sexually assaulted as a child/teen can do severe damage to your sexuality. I know many LGBTQ+ would disagree, but I would say people who have been sexually assaulted have that "privilege" to know themselves who this affected them. I know people who have been sexually abused that are very promiscous, they themselves say they feel a disconnect to their sexuality. The fact that he is confused and needs to find the control could be true. I am NOT saying you should put up with this behaviour or allow it to happen. But my advice is 1) Find a good conselor that knows how sexual abuse and say to him that he needs to go. 2) Set limits to your husband and a deadline. If you feel that he is uncertain about his sexuality and needs to explore more than You need to end this by a certain date. 3) Find a good couples counselor and 4) Start taking care of yourself. Focus on yourself. 

 

This is a support board for straightspouses, not MOMs. The advice in this post belongs on the MOM board

Elle

Hey Elle,

I don’t agree with you. You can still support the straight partner, but also point out a very serious point such as sexual abuse. They have kids and the kids need two well functioning parents. For whatever reason we have all chosen to enter a relationship with our person. Yes, most of us didn’t know or could not image what would happen, but when someone says they were sexually abused I will choose to believe them. Now, for the partner I say you still have to have your boundaries. But Raging on won’t help her now. She needs to find peace and set boundaries, but also get closure. I truly do believe sexual abuse can do severe damage, and that is something a therapist can help them with.

Last edited by StraightBiRelationship (October 27, 2021 3:28 am)

 

October 27, 2021 10:39 am  #8


Re: Found his Grindr but he denies being Gay/Bi…

The original post says the guy "crossed the line physically".  I don't think he's the victim here.

It's not a question of believing him or not believing him.  If he's playing that card in order to evade responsibility for what he's doing to his wife, that's pure manipulation -- and that doesn't change depending on whether it's true or false.  It remains manipulative.  There are plenty of people here who can attest to that based on direct personal experience.

 

October 27, 2021 11:13 am  #9


Re: Found his Grindr but he denies being Gay/Bi…

walkbymyself wrote:

The original post says the guy "crossed the line physically".  I don't think he's the victim here.

It's not a question of believing him or not believing him.  If he's playing that card in order to evade responsibility for what he's doing to his wife, that's pure manipulation -- and that doesn't change depending on whether it's true or false.  It remains manipulative.  There are plenty of people here who can attest to that based on direct personal experience.

I never excused him crossing that line or cheating, I don’t know what the TS meant by him crossing the line and she needs to clarify it herself, nor did I say he was the victim. All I said is that is true that people who have been sexually abused as children have confusing issues with their sexuality and that he needs help. If they have children, it is important to resort those issues, wouldn’t you say? And I also said she needs to create clear boundaries for herself and focus on her. Now if someone says they were sexually molested and that is not true, I would still argue that they need counseling. The only way she can get control of the situation is to create a healthy transition for herself. He needs obliviously help. Gay or not. For her future, regardless of what is. If you have children you need to cooperate with that human being. That’s the truth.

 

October 27, 2021 1:16 pm  #10


Re: Found his Grindr but he denies being Gay/Bi…

There is no disputing that people who have been sexually abused as children have confusing issues with their sexuality and often do require help, which they often don’t recognize until much later. There are studies that prove this over and over again. 

It’s just my opinion, but I know it’s shared by many, many others. Speaking up against any type of abuse regardless of who it’s happened to, straight or LGBT+, I agree, we are all humans and discussion of abuse should be open on any forum, regardless of forum type, abuse trumps that. It’s when we remain silent that abuse, any abuse, is allowed to fester.

Last edited by longwayhome (October 27, 2021 1:17 pm)


I never cease to wonder at the cruelty of this land, but it seems a time of sadness is a time to understand, is it mine, oh lord is it mine, when everything is dark ….. Roger Hodgson. 
 

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