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October 23, 2021 9:13 am  #31

Re: Finding things

Is it possible that your daughters presence impinges on his nocturnal activities? Not to mention another person who might find something hidden or ask an awkward question.

“The future is unwritten.”
― Joe Strummer

October 23, 2021 11:11 am  #32

Re: Finding things

Hi Wilted, yes, feeling confused is distressing - it's a bit like being seasick, it will settle when you are on solid ground.  sounds like you have been gaslighted.  hugs.

weeding the lies out - it takes a while.  The urge for an honest conversation - why would you think you are going to get an honest conversation from the person who has been consistently dishonest?  well, why wouldn't you expect an honest conversation from the man you loved when you need it?

see what I mean?  the confusion stems from the fact that he has been lying about himself all along.  The man you loved was a crafted facade.  The underlying reality is having a condom crisis by the sound of it.  If Daryl is right, and the presence of your daughter is hampering his nocturnal activities that also might account for the things turning up in odd places.  Has the box of condoms disappeared yet?

I'm so glad you have your daughter there with you.  

It's not the performer you want to confront, it's the reality of the man behind it that you need to face.  And that is as simple as taking a step back in your interaction and just observing him.  What does he want, what is he trying to get you to do.  And this is what is happening for you now - take it one step at a time.  gut feeling, what do you want.



October 23, 2021 4:36 pm  #33

Re: Finding things

Hi Wilted,

Am always taken aback when these closeted spouses put their wants above the kids' needs.  IMO, he's left his family role. You can't make him return.

OOHC put succinctly what I wanted to say to you. I want to repeat consulting a family law attorney for your legal and financial rights/obligations without letting your h know will help. You are under no obligation to pursue legal action.


No - It's not too late. It's not hopeless. Even there, there's something I can do. I just have to find the will. Ikiru (1952), film directed by Akira Kurosawa 

October 24, 2021 2:43 am  #34

Re: Finding things

Wiltedflower wrote:

...... how do you ever resolve any of this? If, we do not bring it up? I’m feeling so confused, never in my life have I felt so much confusion.

Slowly. I'm resolving it slowly and carefully,
because I'm surviving in this new Covid world, well aware my r'ship is not the same but if I left now I may leave with less...and I deserve more.
Yes I do wish sometimes one of us would say something, do something.... But I'm no longer confused. I'm just living this life


KIA KAHA                       

October 24, 2021 7:14 am  #35

Re: Finding things

Wiltedflower, My heart breaks for you. I strongly suggest you follow the advice others are giving you. Please proceed with the most caution, not only for yourself but your daughter.

I made the mistake of being totally honest in the early days with stbx, I thought my whole relationship was built on honesty. I learned the hard way, you don’t have to. I didn’t know about this forum when I triggered what I thought would be an honest conversation with him. It was never an honest conversation, I was manipulated further. I can only ever share my own experience. Please be careful, especially with your heart, cause he won’t be.

I didn’t want to offer the following resources earlier, but based on his conversation with you and how things now seem to be evolving, I strongly urge you to review as much of the following reference material before any conversations with him occur.

I wish I had found these resources before I initiated my conversation with my stbx. I do caution you though, read as much as you feel capable of taking in. Little bits of info at time, ok. You go at your pace but watch and read the following resource, I so recommend for you. I’m so sorry, but it’s better to be warned ahead of time. Hugs.

The Secret Sexual Basement:
The Traumatic Impacts of Deceptive Sexuality on the Intimate Partner and Relationship:


More articles by Dr Minawala:



Dr also discusses with BTR.org podcast host, here: https://www.btr.org/betrayal-trauma-symptoms-am-i-crazy/

Take care and post here as much as needed, people on this forum truly get it.

Last edited by longwayhome (October 24, 2021 7:17 am)

I never cease to wonder at the cruelty of this land, but it seems a time of sadness is a time to understand, is it mine, oh lord is it mine, when everything is dark ….. Roger Hodgson. 

October 25, 2021 7:14 am  #36

Re: Finding things

I can’t believe what’s happening in my life, in my home. I’m totally destroyed.

I need to process all of this and I’m not sure ehere to even start.

I will be seeking therapy, as a first, I definetly need to unload everything that is running through my mind non-stop. I will also be seeking legal counsel. I wish I could write more to thank all of you properly, but I just can’t.

Long way home, I’ve started watching, it resonates so much, it’s destroying me just watching it all. But I know I need to take my blinders off.

Thank you to each and everyone of you for all of your help. I’m just feeling really lost at the moment for any other words.


     Thread Starter

October 26, 2021 12:11 pm  #37

Re: Finding things

I may have missed this, but has your husband actually been leaving his stuff out in the open?  Or is it "not-very-well-hidden?"  

I agree with others who have pointed out, he's trying to pressure you about your daughter because he's isolating you.  I now see what I hadn't seen when I was in your position: that it's absolutely exhausting to keep the lie going, day in and day out, for years.  My husband got to a point where he seemed to dislike having anybody in the house other than me.  He was pretty vicious to my daughter, and I now see that she was making his situation twice as much work.  He actually said, once when she came home from college over Christmas (and this is a direct quote): "Why do you even come home?  Every time you come home, you ruin everything.  Everything is perfect until you get here."  

But one thing I think you should be aware of: if you sit your husband down for a talk, it's going to make a huge strain in the house with your daughter living there, but not knowing what's going on.  I think you should plan the conversation around a time when she'll be away, at least for a weekend or something.


October 26, 2021 1:26 pm  #38

Re: Finding things

Wilted.....you have your biggest ally living in the house. And of course your daughter must feel the tension. 

You've been there for your daughter.....she's old enough to be there for you.


KIA KAHA                       

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