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- Ellexoh_nz
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Re: Probably sounds familiar
jamieblunt wrote:
...... i know who she is but i would rather know that i am on my own with my children having to do everything than have her in the house but barely here in spirit.
This just reinforces that the divorce has to happen even if it means selling the family home.
When I left my first husband (not gay but a straight, angry, violent man) it didn't take me long to decide that to survive the trauma I had to not focus on him, the fact he was keeping my children from me and that when we divorced I'd get less because he was the breadwinner. It's a mindset. I had to just stop telling myself it was all his fault because who cares if it was his fault...he was out of my life.
Now I know your gay wife is still living in the same house, and that must be so difficult!, but there's a parallel there for you to be strong enough to put her needs/what she does, what she says, how she makes you feel...in a seperate part of your responses. I called mine the "it doesn't matter anymore" response and I'd repeat it to myself when a trigger, big or small, hit me in the gut or the heart. It helped me to quell the sinking feeling of loss I experienced at the beginning of my particular Mindfuck.
My comment might seem a bit random because I've used two r'ships which were both intrinsically different but which both taught me to be stronger than the men who had hurt me
Elle
KIA KAHA
- jamieblunt
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Re: Probably sounds familiar
Elle i think you would make a good boxing trainer
i feel like Rocky with Mickey the trainer(you) telling me what to do after Apollo Creed has beaten the crap out of me (if you have never seen Rocky this will make no sense)
your comment makes good reading and in a fashion i have been doing it but as everyone knows its not easy especially when she comes back into my life after being away at one of her lesbian festivals all weekend, whilst my daughter is in different shades of rage at everything, stbx is the only one she lets near to give her a cuddle even though she rages at stbx just as much as me, last night was horrible, my daughter was apoplectic with rage about various stuff (angry at me telling her to do her homework, angry when i offered to help and angry that i walked away when she told me to) apparently she got hit at school and reported it to the teachers so i asked her to tell me about it and she rages at me to go away and then she rages at me some more as again i did what she asks, so i cant win.
Then me and stbx have a medium row as she wanted her to go on calming meds years ago and i stopped her "as she has been like this for three years" which is not true her rage has only really manifested in the last six months before stbx came out but well into her 2021 of ignoring me and leaving me to be the sole parent, so i tell stbx to start acting like a mother and eventually she did, she hugged daughter until she was calm something i just cant do at the moment because the daughter wants me nowhere near her.
the female element of my family are literally tag teaming me into oblivion at the moment.
However the patent Elle ear slap is very good for me, i need to make more space in my brain for daughter and far less for stbx.
Thanks coach!
ding ding round 12...
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Thread Starter- Gloria
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Re: Probably sounds familiar
So sorry for your trouble with the lesbian and the daughter.
- jamieblunt
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Re: Probably sounds familiar
Lily/Daryl i voiced your concerns to my solicitor about stbx not engaging legal representation and she was not too concerned as any and all communication from her to stbx will be framed in such a way as to encourage her to get representation and if she does not that is her issue and once the divorce/financials are done and sealed there is no recourse, i am staying away from the technicalities as i didn't go to law school and we are paying 2.5k for this divorce so its up to them to keep me safe, and i have the emails to prove i have asked the question with a reply so i have evidence if the legal people muff up i have recourse back to them.
so thanks both for the "wing person" work much appreciated
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Thread Starter- walkbymyself
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Re: Probably sounds familiar
jamieblunt: Cut your daughter a little slack here. The things she says she's angry about, might not be the things she's really angry about. She may be raging at you because you're the "safe" parent (I had to learn this the hard way). She very well might know she's being unfair to you, which feeds into the rage cycle itself because she gets angry at herself.
- jamieblunt
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Re: Probably sounds familiar
today quite unexpectedly, she got home from school full of beans showing me her tech creation and then spent an hour talking to me about her day and all sorts of other things whilst i was cooking the tea, it was bliss.
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Thread Starter- walkbymyself
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Re: Probably sounds familiar
I know it's off-topic but ... daughters are the best. Challenging, but when you get those rewarding moments, everything is worth it.
- Ellexoh_nz
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Re: Probably sounds familiar
My comments in red
........whilst my daughter is in different shades of rage at everything, stbx is the only one she lets near to give her a cuddle even though she rages at stbx just as much as me, last night was horrible, my daughter was apoplectic with rage about various stuff (angry at me telling her to do her homework, angry when i offered to help and angry that i walked away when she told me to) apparently she got hit at school and reported it to the teachers so i asked her to tell me about it and she rages at me to go away and then she rages at me some more as again i did what she asks, so i cant win ....you can win, it takes a wise parent to understand a teenager. Her mother is not a wise parent. She can't see how troubled your daughter is and would rather medicate her than talk to her and get to the bottom of it with love & nurture. Your daughter may however benefit from a neutral contact to talk to. Is there a school counselor that she could see? she's obviously having issues there as well
Then me and stbx have a medium row as she wanted her to go on calming meds years ago and i stopped her "as she has been like this for three years" which is not true her rage has only really manifested in the last six months before stbx came out but well into her 2021 of ignoring me and leaving me to be the sole parent, so i tell stbx to start acting like a mother and eventually she did, she hugged daughter until she was calm something i just cant do at the moment because the daughter wants me nowhere near her.
the female element of my family are literally tag teaming me into oblivion at the moment. Does your daughter know how this is/has affected you? Because if you've been 'staying strong' and she has no idea how you're feeling she'll be a magnet to the person she feels she doesn't have enough with and repel the one who's keeping the place going. As a stay at home Mum I can tell you the one who tells the kids to do their homework, drives them places and reminds them to "please pick those clothes up off the floor!"...doesn't get as much recognition as the one who seems to have freedom and who comes sashaying in with a smile on their face and has less input into the running of the house.
...
Elle
KIA KAHA
- jamieblunt
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Re: Probably sounds familiar
during my bliss moment i did say how much i missed her and these sorts of chats we used to have, i dont think a corner has been turned but just an hour off the front line and feeling human with my daughter has put such a smile on my face (well inside)
i have said counselling not medication, on the whole her new school life is going well, this was a fairly one off from a child in a different year.
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Thread Starter- Ellexoh_nz
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Re: Probably sounds familiar
during my bliss moment i did say how much i missed her and these sorts of chats we used to have, .......
You're a good man JB 
KIA KAHA