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October 6, 2021 5:13 am  #1


How do I escape from this nightmare? And then where do I go?

I did post on here years ago but got scared and asked for my account to be removed. Well nothing has changed in that time and I find myself reaching out to your amazing organisation once again, thank you for being here.
I have been married for 21 years and together for 24, I have thought my wife is bi or gay for probably 10-15 years, and for the rest before that I was simply confused and scared and tried to understand what was wrong, all of which was met with ignorance, denial, and anger on the part of my wife.
Our relationship is perfect except for sex, our sex life has never been good, well I say that but looking back I guess the first year or 2 was, but it quickly reduced to little (like a few times a year), I decided to spice things up and brought some fun clothes and toys, my wife seemed offended that I had done this, and this resulted in our sex life stopping completely. One day I came accross some lesbian magazines and one of the toys I had brought, accompanied by about 2 dozen dead batteries. I confronted my wife about this she assured me the magazines were from her X, and refused to even talk about the toys, in the heat of the argument that ensued she said 'My sex life is nothing to do with you, and I want nothing to do with yours'! As you can imagine I was shocked and didn't know what to do with this news, I decided at this time to leave, I can't tell you how I wish this is what I had done at the time, but I didn't. I was vunerable when I met my wife as a result of previous sexual trauma I had happen to me when I was a teenager, this was the first relationship of any kind I had ever really had, I was 26 and my wife was in her 30's with 2 kids and an X partner, who it turned out left her for another woman and has never had any contact with any of his friends or family ever since, and little to no contact with his children who are now grown up with families. At the time I didn't know what to think, I had no expireence of relationships or x partners and didn't know what was normal or not. What I did learn was that my wife meant what she said, our sex life pretty much dissapeared after that, despite me trying everything and anything to bring it to life, but I stayed because she kept telling me it was okay, she loved me, our sex life was fine, it was normal for sex to tail of after the first couple of years, and anyway we make love, not have sex..... Plus a whole bunch of other stuff that I had no idea was true or not, but as I had nothing to compare it to and nobody to I felt I could confide in I sucked it up and here I am over 20 years later feeling and thinking the same things as I was then. The difference now is that I know there is nothing normal about our sex life, and although it has changed at different times over the years and sometimes we do have sex, and sometimes it is amazing, the bottom line is that my wife still treats our sex life as something less important that basically anything else, but especially her own sex life, which is and always has been busy, crazy and it would appear totally fullfilled without me, despite her claiming that she rarely if ever even masterbates.
But things have changed, in the past her sex life was just hers, she would encourage and arrange for me to go out on a regular basis, evenings, weekends, and I ended up travelling for work as it was easier to be away than be at home knowing this was going on regularly and that I was not a part of it. I now think she is having an affair with one of her best friends of many years, this friend also came out of a relationship and is in a new one with a man, but she comes for massage (My wife trained as a massage therapist after we got married) and I am not sure that the massage is not sexual. She has now just been away for the weekend with this person albeit to see a mutual friend who is ill, but it just felt odd to me, they both seem to be trying a bit to hard to make it appear that everything is normal.
The problem I have is what do I focus on, I have all these scary, confusing and upsetting feelings, if I am wrong about all this then I need to get back to therapy and proabaly be sectioned, but if not wtf do I do, if I leave I have nothing, no children of my own, I feel like she will never come out so if I leave she will carry on in denial, do I tell the kids? And if I do she will likely kill me, I have nothing left without her, I love her family, all our friends are now mutual, I have nobody to talk to, my own family was torn apart by sexual abuse of both of my Nephews by their step father which divided the family and I ended up being accused of colaborating with my Nephews to frame this guy who 'aledgedly' abused them, which is all BS but it has left me with no support network of my own, no friends, no family that isn't my wifes, and nobody to confide in other than councilors, of which I have seem quite a few but ended up relaising that they won't actually say anything or have an opinion, they just listen, which is sometimes helpful but I need something more than that now.

I have read the first aid kit but other than councilling I don't know how to initiate those support networks, I simply don't have any, and have no idea how to find any other than professional councillors, which frankly after covid are like hens teeth. I feel so desparetely alone, as I sit here crying any trying to type, I read one of the posts yesterday which said to find someone to hug, but I burst into tears everytime I think about it because I can't think of anyone I can, can someone send me a virtual one please......

Right now I can't imagine ever being happy, I feel like the best years of my life are over and I have spent them worried and scared and wishing things were different but not knowing what to do.



 

 

October 6, 2021 6:24 am  #2


Re: How do I escape from this nightmare? And then where do I go?

Welcome fiddlestick, you aren’t alone anymore. That is what I want to say to you first. Once you find this forum, you aren’t alone anymore. We have all lived through our own hurtful experiences and we can help each other.

Second thing, I’m sending you a big virtual hug. Now take a deep, deep breath, hold, let it out very slowly. Do this a couple of times when the emotions seems to become too strong. Deep breathing helped me greatly, don’t forget to do it. When we feel stress we often don’t notice it, but our breathing changes, usually with breath holding or taking small short breaths instead of breathing deeply.

You don’t know what you don’t know. That’s been my philosophy moving forward in my own experience.

Married 34 years, discovered stbx was bisexual two years ago, he had a nine month affair and probably a lot more that I personally don’t care to find out about. I know what I know now and for me that was enough to make all the decisions I needed to make.

I find in this day and age many people are finding themselves with very little support around them. You aren’t the only one. Know that. Many people are feeling lonely, COVID isn’t helping us, it seems to add to the surreal feeling of the experience.

How you move forward, you need to ask yourself some very deep questions in my opinion, and only you can truly answer them.

In terms of fears, I think you just took the first step in extinguishing your fears. You first have to acknowledge them, then challenge those fears. Are they real fears you face today? or is it the fear a carryover from your previous trauma? It’s all of this that has to be pondered over and sorted through.

On my own experience, I had many fears, some I couldn’t even identify at first. Sit with all of it and be as truthful as you can be. Once I did that, and it took time, much time, I won’t lie to you. It didn’t happen overnight. It was a constant daily effort at first to consciously be aware of what exactly triggered each fear, each discomfort, once you can identify the trigger, the work you need to
Identifies itself pretty much on its own. At least that was my experience.

You post here as much as you need. Many others have lived through similar types of difficult life experiences within these mixed orientation marriages.

One day at a time, one decision at a time.

Edited to add: I hesitated to mention this before, but, I'm going to take a chance and say it, I hope its ok to mention this to you. In terms of your previous trauma, I really believe a caring straight spouse would have made a world of difference for you in sorting through all the various emotions you must have been left with as a result of this experience. It;s never too late, we can still work them out. .

Last edited by longwayhome (October 6, 2021 9:44 am)


I never cease to wonder at the cruelty of this land, but it seems a time of sadness is a time to understand, is it mine, oh lord is it mine, when everything is dark ….. Roger Hodgson. 
 

October 6, 2021 8:03 am  #3


Re: How do I escape from this nightmare? And then where do I go?

Hi Fiddlesticks,

I find it very hard to take - the way the closet gay wives don't seem to care one iota about what effect a lack of affection and intimacy is having on their husband.

I experienced the same from my GIDXH.

It really matters, doesn't it.

You are not alone.  Just in my life there are two men I cry over and several I feel for who are in the same boat.  I'm really worried about it.  As you say, you are left with nothing if you move but you are already feeling the pinch of starvation and it is waking up to a nightmare for sure.  This is a common experience.  

It's real.  I am sorry.  Virtual hug coming your way.
 


 

 

October 6, 2021 1:43 pm  #4


Re: How do I escape from this nightmare? And then where do I go?

Thank you for your responses, and the hugs, they made me cry again.....
So I will consider your words at length, but an immediate issue I am struggling with is how do I behave now? I am now aware that this is most likely real and is really happening I feel more scared than ever, my spouse will always deflect conversations related to our sex life, but she is also aware that I am sad, depressed, have things on my mind etc... And will drill me to find out what is wrong, in order to help, apparently, but if my response relates in any way to 'us' it will result in aggression and anger, this often causes me to revert to it being my issue, my problem, caused by me or something I have been through. So if I could do with anything now it would be to know how to navigate this..... Do I focus on avoiding showing my sad, depressed feelings, on the real issue and trying to talk about it, avoid any kind of confrontation or what? I would appreciate any thoughts on this.....

     Thread Starter
 

October 6, 2021 2:04 pm  #5


Re: How do I escape from this nightmare? And then where do I go?

I can only share based on my own experience. I can say I see similarities in you trying to honestly, openly trying to discuss to bring the issue into the open to resolved them. I can relate to this point so very much.

It didn’t matter what I did, what approach I took, what you described, I also lived through before I made TGT discovery.

This is what I concluded after TGt discovery: he didn’t want the problem resolved because he wasn’t really looking for an intimate relationship with me anymore. So this ensured the status quo.

This is what I did:
- I started looking into how to implement boundaries (make sure you have good ones by your side - I didn’t):
- I stopped trying to talk to him, I responded to what needed responding to:
- nothing wrong with them, nothing wrong with me either approach worked well. They don’t want to push either:
- correct, stop showing her your emotions, guard them, share here if you need a place, that’s what we do too;
- you start making these decisions in your mind. It’s like planning a wedding or building a house. It takes prep work, do that work;
- you may want to go speak to a therapist about your particular situation, it does help, if for no other reasons than validation of your effort put forth;
- Support network, you just found your first one, this one;
- other support/friends, you build those relationships too, one by one, be curious, what would you like to do, activities, sport, art, start there, take a class, go for walks in the park, get a pet.

You post here anytime, it’s one minute, one day, one step, one plan at one time. It all gets created. It really does.

I have been creating for two years now. I was recently retired, I returned to work on contract basis to be able to create my own future, the one I’ve always wanted.

Take care, and know you aren’t alone anymore. Hugs

Oops forgot to mention, my exit door is on the horizon.

Last edited by longwayhome (October 6, 2021 2:12 pm)


I never cease to wonder at the cruelty of this land, but it seems a time of sadness is a time to understand, is it mine, oh lord is it mine, when everything is dark ….. Roger Hodgson. 
 

October 6, 2021 2:27 pm  #6


Re: How do I escape from this nightmare? And then where do I go?

fiddlesticks wrote:

...... So if I could do with anything now it would be to know how to navigate this..... Do I focus on avoiding showing my sad, depressed feelings, on the real issue and trying to talk about it, avoid any kind of confrontation or what? .....

 

I can only tell you how I did it Fiddlesticks. Firstly I kept it to myself (I shouldn't have, keeping it inside only perpetuated the feeling that this was my fault and I was the one who had to accept what was happening. Looking sad only elicited what I now consider was his low-level, false empathy)
After a while I laid my pain out in front of him and let him see it. All of it. Crying was good but only to a point. He would become angry, dismissive, cold. It took me far to long to realise that the pattern of my sadness, that he would roll his eyes at....was also his pattern/reaction....and that the only way to change it was to be smarter than the pattern.

Finally the switch clicked on "I've been doing this, he knows it upsets me, he understands but only as far as his patience allows him. This is not working"
So gradually I started doing things for me, after admitting to myself the norm of doing everything together bound us together as a couple and the couple we were kept the bisexual man he was...hidden. For years I had been scared to lose the man who had changed...in the worst possible way.... how I felt about myself.
I had always been the one to talk about 'us', our issues, while he always strained to get away from it by using annoyance/tiredness/frustration to shoo me away. When I stopped doing it (also stating I was no longer interested in a sexual r'ship with him)...it was like a strength at my core "I am right to do this".

Sadly he didn't read the script (in my imagination) where he was supposed to get so frustrated, so starved that he couldn't take it anymore....and open up to me and say....whatever, "I'm leaving, it's over, I can't do this. Let's separate amicably...I'll do right by you" ..and I'm not quite ready to do it either. We don't talk about it. He must  have a knot of sexual frustration (I think. Who knows how he handles it). I know I'll forever have a knot of resentment that for 25-30 years I thought my life was perfect but now know it can never end truly happy.

Fiddlesticks...this has all happened over the last 4 years. I feel comfortably caught in a web of my own choosing but I know longer worry about losing the person I thought was my soulmate

Elle 

Edited to add....I realise there is sometimes a difference in the sexual needs of a man and those of a woman. Like....a man often has a greater (simple by the nature of his maleness) sexual need, so your feelings about this may be less accepting than mine. 
 

Last edited by Ellexoh_nz (October 6, 2021 2:41 pm)


KIA KAHA                       
 

October 6, 2021 2:28 pm  #7


Re: How do I escape from this nightmare? And then where do I go?

Fiddlesticks,

A warm big hug.  Virtual but authentic and real.

As part of the in person straight spouse support groups I received hugs from the strangers (to me) and I can't tell you how important it was.  Besides not getting any physical contact from my GX anymore what struck me was how  complete strangers could give me a hug and it felt authentic..there was no hidden agenda, secret or lie...these kind folks had only best wishes for me.

So do we.

A support system is good to build..it could be a priest or pastor to start. A therapist.  You could also join a meet up group online in some hobby you are interested in..not for support with TGT but to get your mind off it. I think you will see even if talk to the grocery store and make small talk with the them that people are generally more authentic than your wife.

So sorry but she is having an affair..be it sexual or emotional ..with her friend.   It's a horrible feeling but I assure you that these spouses are not gods or the only woman or men on the planet.   Know that not being around someone that is lying to you is much better than being around them. Alone is much better than being with a liar.   

Sincere hugs and best wishes of strength and fortitude.


"For we walk by faith, not by sight .."  2Corinthians 5:7
 

October 6, 2021 3:26 pm  #8


Re: How do I escape from this nightmare? And then where do I go?

fiddlesticks wrote:

 my spouse will always deflect conversations related to our sex life, but she is also aware that I am sad, depressed, have things on my mind etc... And will drill me to find out what is wrong, in order to help, apparently, but if my response relates in any way to 'us' it will result in aggression and anger, this often causes me to revert to it being my issue, my problem, caused by me or something I have been through. So if I could do with anything now it would be to know how to navigate this..... Do I focus on avoiding showing my sad, depressed feelings, on the real issue and trying to talk about it, avoid any kind of confrontation or what? I would appreciate any thoughts on this.....

Look you are sounding really level headed and asking good questions.  another hug first.  it's difficult to put into words but recognising that you are being used is very useful.  Her drilling says she wants to be in control of you and responds to any threat to that.  So to me that says you are in a difficult situation.  She wants to keep you, but is kicking you under the table.  That is how it was for me.  I felt so wretched and yet the more wretched I felt the more he put me down.

What I did was take a step back and when he tried to pull me back into line by being angry with me I turned the tables, for the first time instead of placating I spoke back angrily.  He was so surprised he stepped back and he didn't try that on with me again.  A person who uses you is not going to stop.

I second Rob, living alone is better than living with a liar.

 

Last edited by lily (October 6, 2021 3:29 pm)

 

October 6, 2021 3:35 pm  #9


Re: How do I escape from this nightmare? And then where do I go?

Lily, you couldn’t have been with a narcissist like partner, in my opinion. That would have been the type of ammunition he would have been looking for. A narcissist like individual won’t ever back down on your anger. They will try to engage you in any way they can. Others here know this too. That’s why without good boundaries, you don’t stand a chance against these types of individusls. They also run corporations, etc.  And everyone says the same thing about them.

Last edited by longwayhome (October 6, 2021 3:53 pm)


I never cease to wonder at the cruelty of this land, but it seems a time of sadness is a time to understand, is it mine, oh lord is it mine, when everything is dark ….. Roger Hodgson. 
 

October 6, 2021 8:32 pm  #10


Re: How do I escape from this nightmare? And then where do I go?

odd thing to say Longway. 

I do still believe my gidxh was narcissistic - a wolf in sheep's clothing.  so nice he seems to be such a nice man I remember one woman saying to me you can't divorce him if you do then I don't know any good couples and I always thought you were such a perfect couple.  what a liar he is tho, is the truth of it.

 

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