OurPath Open Forum

This Open Forum is funded and administered by OurPath, Inc., (formerly the Straight Spouse Network). OurPath is a 501(c)(3) nonprofit that provides support to Straight Partners and Partners of Trans People who have discovered that their partner is LGBT+. Your contribution, no matter how small, helps us provide our community with this space for discussion and connection.


BE A DONOR >>>


You are not logged in. Would you like to login or register?



September 18, 2021 12:02 pm  #11


Re: Need insight, advice, help. Very confused and scared.

Hi,

I am sorry you are going through this. It's hard to know if the phone activity is the tip of the iceberg, youthful experimentation or being uncomfortable divulging bisexuality to you. Am sure you thought of these possibilities  and more.

Some posters here have had fulfilling sex lives with boyfriends/husbands in their 20s and early 30s. They are shocked when the partner comes out as gay in their late 30s or ceases to have sex with them. Some women were told or guessed (not sure which one) that the guys were fantasizing about other men to maintain an erection. It becomes more difficult for a man to keep up the ruse as he aged.

I agree with Daryl to keep marriage and/or kids on the back burner for now. You may wish to consider telling trusted friends or family members your concerns. You may want to get counseling for just you. It's not healthy to keep this bottled up.

Hope all goes well for you.


No - It's not too late. It's not hopeless. Even there, there's something I can do. I just have to find the will. Ikiru (1952), film directed by Akira Kurosawa 
 

September 18, 2021 12:37 pm  #12


Re: Need insight, advice, help. Very confused and scared.

MJM017 Hi,

I am sorry you are going through this. It's hard to know if the phone activity is the tip of the iceberg, youthful experimentation or being uncomfortable divulging bisexuality to you. Am sure you thought of these possibilities  and more.

Some posters here have had fulfilling sex lives with boyfriends/husbands in their 20s and early 30s. They are shocked when the partner comes out as gay in their late 30s or ceases to have sex with them. Some women were told or guessed (not sure which one) that the guys were fantasizing about other men to maintain an erection. It becomes more difficult for a man to keep up the ruse as he aged.

I agree with Daryl to keep marriage and/or kids on the back burner for now. You may wish to consider telling trusted friends or family members your concerns. You may want to get counseling for just you. It's not healthy to keep this bottled up.

Hope all goes well for you.


- Thank you very much for your kind wishes. I guess I'm confused on bisexual vs gay. I feel like any experimenting at all is classified as 100% gay and not bisexual or bicurious. If he were bisexual, why would he need to think of men to be with me or stop having sex later in life? Bisexual would mean they find sexual fulfillment from both genders. Why is it one or the other here? I'm just curious. Thanks for your time.

     Thread Starter
 

September 18, 2021 1:24 pm  #13


Re: Need insight, advice, help. Very confused and scared.

No, my mistake for coming across like that.  Your boyfriend may be bisexual or bicurious.  You accept it and you go forward with him. I am happy for the both of you.

Some posters here have experienced a partner say they are bisexual. This person comes out as gay years later. Whether the gay partner lied or felt their sexuality shift towards gay, I don't know.

No one knows what the future will bring in any friendship or relationship. Get support if you feel you need it. Post here as often as you need.

Take care.


No - It's not too late. It's not hopeless. Even there, there's something I can do. I just have to find the will. Ikiru (1952), film directed by Akira Kurosawa 
 

September 18, 2021 1:49 pm  #14


Re: Need insight, advice, help. Very confused and scared.

Ohshit2016 wrote:

......
I just don't want to make this more than what it is (if he was just curious at that time). But I also don't want to dismiss anything that could cause problems later.
.....

The thing is...by the time things 'may turn awkward, when you've invested too much in your r'ship, and you've... As far as he is concerned... Silently accepted the way he MAY be and allowed him to be who he really is.... It'll be hard to back out of something you had doubts about. If he's so ashamed of who he is he won't be honest and you'll be left not knowing or liking who you both have become

I've been there, I am there

Elle
 


KIA KAHA                       
 

September 18, 2021 2:10 pm  #15


Re: Need insight, advice, help. Very confused and scared.

Bisexual doesn't necessarily mean cheat. Attraction isn't the same as commitment. My general attraction towards women does not go away when I marry someone. I've chosen commitment to one as more important than attraction to the rest. If that attraction starts to outweigh my commitment, there's a problem.

Bi is not an automatic pass to explore outside the relationship. If monogamy matters to you, it matters, end of story. We are not thralls to our libido.

You found no evidence of him actually meeting someone. Let's suppose he did and deleted the evidence. Why would he not have also deleted the earlier initial contacts? If he slipped up, why wouldn't he have slipped up on at least one contact?  There's no way to know for certain, but I think it's unlikely for someone to be so meticulous in covering his tracks in one area, yet sloppy in another. I would also expect there would be a device involved, such as a phone, that is closely guarded.

This doesn't mean the thoughts don't exist. If he's bi but doesn't want to admit it, you are at an impasse. If he has this attraction or curiosity eating away at him, what does this mean down the road? 

It comes back to full disclosure and communication. We all make mistakes. What matters is how we address them.


“The future is unwritten.”
― Joe Strummer
 

September 21, 2021 7:34 am  #16


Re: Need insight, advice, help. Very confused and scared.

Daryl wrote:

Bisexual doesn't necessarily mean cheat. Attraction isn't the same as commitment. My general attraction towards women does not go away when I marry someone. I've chosen commitment to one as more important than attraction to the rest. If that attraction starts to outweigh my commitment, there's a problem.

Bi is not an automatic pass.

This doesn't mean the thoughts don't exist. If he's bi but doesn't want to admit it, you are at an impasse. If he has this attraction or curiosity eating away at him, what does this mean down the road? 

It comes back to full disclosure and communication. We all make mistakes. What matters is how we address them.

 
Mostly this^. In addition, over time their love for you may change, you might get sick and something about your appearance might change any number of things could happen. It’s about true commitment. Is it real, is there true honesty between you two?  Only you can know.

Last edited by longwayhome (September 21, 2021 7:38 am)


I never cease to wonder at the cruelty of this land, but it seems a time of sadness is a time to understand, is it mine, oh lord is it mine, when everything is dark ….. Roger Hodgson. 
 

September 22, 2021 6:18 pm  #17


Re: Need insight, advice, help. Very confused and scared.

My husband came out to me saying he was transgender.  Then went on to say he wants to be a woman and be sexually with a man and he also likes being a man and being sexually with a woman, but would be a woman, all the time if he could.  He also, said he wants an open marriage.  I am a straight spouse so my answer which he knew was no to an open marriage.  We are still in the same place but living in separate bedrooms and he goes out as a woman and meets other people but most of the time at home he is a guy.
just wondering is this a transgender person or a bisexual, I'm confused and so sad that my marriage to him is over and we are just living together for money issues.

 

September 22, 2021 7:43 pm  #18


Re: Need insight, advice, help. Very confused and scared.

Hi Sarah,

Welcome to the club no one wants to join.

I am sorry this happened to you.  I know your husband is not straight and would guess he identifies as a female. My ex-husband was an in denial gay man, but many posters here have had spouses who are trans. You may want to create your own thread so you get more responses.  I believe those who share your situation will see it &  respond.

Take care.


No - It's not too late. It's not hopeless. Even there, there's something I can do. I just have to find the will. Ikiru (1952), film directed by Akira Kurosawa 
 

September 22, 2021 8:29 pm  #19


Re: Need insight, advice, help. Very confused and scared.

Welcome Sara, I’m really sorry this has happened to you, you may want to start another thread.

I discovered my stbx was bisexual two years ago. Most bisexuals want to open the marriage, like you, it wasn’t something I would ever consider.

I thought the following info might be helpful, some statistics, and other info, note, it is info published by the LGBT community, so I am assuming it is accurate.

https://www.lgbtmap.org/file/A%20Closer%20Look%20Bisexual%20Transgender.pdf

Take care, be well.


I never cease to wonder at the cruelty of this land, but it seems a time of sadness is a time to understand, is it mine, oh lord is it mine, when everything is dark ….. Roger Hodgson. 
 

September 22, 2021 8:45 pm  #20


Re: Need insight, advice, help. Very confused and scared.

Sara,
 Your husband is not bisexual.  He is exhibiting the behavior of an autogynephile (a man who is aroused by the thought of himself as a woman).  Autogynephilia is a sexual paraphilia, one characterized by what is called "an erotic targeting error"; they are essentially heterosexual, but their interest in actual women (you) competes with their interest in themselves as women.  Such men may, however, also want when they are dressed as women to be validated by other men, because to them that "proves" their attractiveness and their status as women.
  Autogynephilia is complex and hard for people without paraphilias to understand. 

I've included a few sources below that can explain it to you.   

Michael Bailey, "The Man Who Would Be Queen."  It's available online and downloadable.  Bailey is a research psychologist at Northwestern Univ.  

Anne Lawrence, "Men Trapped in Men's Bodies/Becoming What We Love."  Lawrence is a trans person and an MD, a psychologist who treated (now retired) trans identified males.  Lawrence maintains an online presence and there are articles there. http://www.annelawrence.com/autogynephilia_&_MtF_typology.html 

Autogynephilia: An Underappreciated Paraphilia Anne A. Lawrence Department of Psychology, University of Lethbridge, Lethbridge, Alta., Canada https://pdfs.semanticscholar.org/3eb9/a449b840ef525436454c4f658b8d364d194f.pdf

Last edited by OutofHisCloset (September 22, 2021 8:45 pm)

 

Board footera

 

Powered by Boardhost. Create a Free Forum