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September 10, 2021 12:39 am  #1


Husband's secrets have broken me

I've lurked here for some time, but this is my first post.  I needed to write it all down as if to make some sense of it.

I've with my husband (53 yrs old) for nine years and we've been married four out of those nine years.  I'm 43...through out relationship there has been many red flags but he always gave me what I considered plausible answers.  The explanations were just enough to satisfy me.  Those red flags included an obsession/porn addiction that focused on the male body, a large number of gay friends or male friends who didn't come around much unless I was out of town (I travel for work frequently) and just an overall lifestyle that seemed to focus on gay culture.  He was obsessed with gay underwear, etc.  He always told me that he looked at these things because he wanted his body to look like the models...

Every time I asked or confronted him about it, there was denial.  To complicate things, my husband was raped as a child by an older man.  Any time I discussed or questioned his sexuality, he said that it was "too much to discuss" due to the trauma, or "he couldn't be gay" and that he's tried to put that trauma behind him.  When I brought up these questions, I was reminding him of what happened.

But then, I found his Reddit account.  There I could see his comments/likes and responses to men seeking men, mostly married men seeking other married men.  It was in black and white, plain as day.  And this was 8 months ago.  

I am STILL struggling, every day.  I am disoriented and disconnected from life apart from my work.  I have lost all sense of my role in the marriage, of who I am supposed to be in the partnership.  I am absolutely broken in every sense of the word.  

My husband remains angry, suggesting I just "move on" and that he is "working" to build a future for us.  But I just can't trust him.  I don't know what to do.

 

September 10, 2021 4:07 am  #2


Re: Husband's secrets have broken me

Confused Seas I am so sorry this us happening to you.

Sadly, you have nothing to work with here.  Whenever I see DARVO at work, as here, i know there is no hope.  You question, they deny. You question again, they attack, and make themselves the victim and you somehow the offender.  Its manipulative, dishonest, emotional abuse, pure and simple.

Get a lawyer and begin protecting your financial future and planning your safe exit from the marriage.

 

September 10, 2021 8:08 am  #3


Re: Husband's secrets have broken me

Hi confused, writing things down can be helpful, especially if you have a spouse who wants to argue that the sky is not blue and was never that colour. You need to reflect on what you want and need. Trauma therapy might be helpful. If that's not available for you, find someone you can confide in. They may not have answers for you, but a good listener can be helpful just by giving you an opportunity to talk it out. Honestly, the answers come from you, in time.

Trust is a critical component of any relationship. What is he "working" on, besides asking you to forget everything you discovered, that he was hiding from you?


“The future is unwritten.”
― Joe Strummer
 

September 10, 2021 10:02 am  #4


Re: Husband's secrets have broken me

Confusedseas,

It definitely sounds like you are in shock...its like getting hit by a bus. It is a trauma to find out their secret...I recall when I found out..like you reading the exchanges between my GX and her girlfriend..  all the blood drained from my face.  At work people asked me what was wrong because I looked pale like I had just been in accident.

First thing to do is to breath, get your bearings.  You can read the first aid thread here.  Definitely make sure you take care of yourself ..it may mean going about your routines as normal.  Reach out to friends, family, priest, psychiatrist...start building a support system.   Be kind to yourself...its not your fault,we did nothing wrong but love them.  It's a fundamental shift of starting to be kind and love ourselves authentically with the  fierce love we process.. because they did not.

Wishing courage and fortitude


"For we walk by faith, not by sight .."  2Corinthians 5:7
 

September 10, 2021 2:12 pm  #5


Re: Husband's secrets have broken me

Confused, I’m so very sorry this has happened to you, so very sorry. Red flags, and plausible answers to those red flag, very familiar sounding to me.

How was the sex in the last couple of years? How was the everyday interactions between you two prior to this discovery? When did you find out about about his sexual assault, before or after discovery? Answer these questions privately, to yourself.

Also reading this research article was a huge eye opener for me, it’s by Dr Omar Minwalla, the Secret Basement, the Traumatic Impacts of Deceptive Sexuality on the intimate Partner and Relationship:
https://secureservercdn.net/72.167.241.180/226.c7e.myftpupload.com/wp-content/uploads/2021/07/The-Secret-Sexual-Basement_7_6_21.pdf?time=1625615316

Whenever there are lies involved and unknown sexual behaviours, I have found that porn is likely not too far in the backstory too, it was in my story and many others. I think it’s important to read Dr Minwalla’s work, only you will know how much, if any, resonates with you.

I am very familiar with the married man looking for another married men scenario. I made the same discovery. Mine was on Adult Friend Finder looking for the same and actually met someone and had a nine month affair. Caught again eight months later, I wasn’t even snooping for any of it, either time. Mine told me, many, many married men are doing this in this day and age, just mentioning it as a possible warning to you. Don’t buy into that one. Especially if he is truly bisexual. Sex isn’t truly a need as such, it’s a drive. He should be able to satisfy his drive with his wife, no?

I was married for 34 years, recently retired -  pretty much entering the last chapter of my life when I made the bisexual discovery, the lies, betrayals, etc., All came crashing down.

I needed to seriously contemplate my life and my available options. I made my decision to exit pretty quickly after discovery - it’s just taking me time to turn everything around, but I’m seriously getting close now. 

I gave serious contemplation to several questions and when I started answering those questions with as much honesty as I could, my path forward became pretty clear, pretty quickly.

I hope these same questions can provide similar help to you in your own situation:
What does being married mean to you?
What does it mean to your husband, based on his actions/words?
What does being in a relationship mean to you?
What does honesty mean to you?
What does true intimacy mean to you?
What holds value in your life?
Are your boundaries currently being respected, all of them, emotional, psychological ones too (no lying)?
Do you know where your own boundaries lie?
How far are you willing to go to save the relationship?
Are you both truly rowing your boat in the same direction, or are you doing all the rowing and you are just going around in circles? E.g. Nothing gets resolved?
Is there any willingness on your husband’s part to be accountable for any of his own actions/decisions to lie and deceive? Based on your post, it doesn’t appear so.

Look after yourself well because I truly believe, to the level you can put yourself first in your life, at this very moment, and until you can stabilize yourself and your situation, it will ensure you also greatly protect yourself from any further possible longer lasting harm while on this life altering journey.

I really hate mentioning this, but if you haven’t been tested for STDs, it’s always in your best interest to do so. Be safe.

Also, I don’t like that you state your husband remains angry. Watch that. It can often be a way to deflect you, stop you from pursuing the truth. Always remain standing in your truth. Your truth, gives you your strength- don’t loose sight of it.


I can almost see it, That dream I'm dreaming...There's always gonna be another mountain, I'm always gonna wanna make it move...The Climb - Miley Cyrus
 

September 10, 2021 6:24 pm  #6


Re: Husband's secrets have broken me

Soaplife wrote:

Confused Seas I am so sorry this us happening to you.

Sadly, you have nothing to work with here. Whenever I see DARVO at work, as here, i know there is no hope. You question, they deny. You question again, they attack, and make themselves the victim and you somehow the offender. Its manipulative, dishonest, emotional abuse, pure and simple.

Get a lawyer and begin protecting your financial future and planning your safe exit from the marriage.

I've never heard of DARVO before (I had to look it up), but there's this almost...angry denial.  First it was "that isn't my account" or "I was hacked", then I logged into the account using a common password.  He's never apologized, he's told me that I just need to stop digging for this stuff.  sighs I'm looking at lawyers now
 

     Thread Starter
 

September 10, 2021 6:38 pm  #7


Re: Husband's secrets have broken me

Daryl wrote:

Trust is a critical component of any relationship. What is he "working" on, besides asking you to forget everything you discovered, that he was hiding from you?

He says he takes care of the house while I am away at work (sometimes its months) and I realize that there is some basic maintenance required there.  I don't mean for this to sound cold, but "taking care of the house" is something I could do remotely.   We had recently purchased a property and he was working on that - again, I could have hired it out.

So its hard for me to see what exactly his is working on.  I pay all of the bills with the exception of our health insurance.  

 

     Thread Starter
 

September 10, 2021 6:42 pm  #8


Re: Husband's secrets have broken me

Rob wrote:

Confusedseas,

It definitely sounds like you are in shock...its like getting hit by a bus. It is a trauma to find out their secret...I recall when I found out..like you reading the exchanges between my GX and her girlfriend.. all the blood drained from my face. At work people asked me what was wrong because I looked pale like I had just been in accident.

First thing to do is to breath, get your bearings. You can read the first aid thread here. Definitely make sure you take care of yourself ..it may mean going about your routines as normal. Reach out to friends, family, priest, psychiatrist...start building a support system. Be kind to yourself...its not your fault,we did nothing wrong but love them. It's a fundamental shift of starting to be kind and love ourselves authentically with the fierce love we process.. because they did not.

Wishing courage and fortitude

Yes, that's exactly it.  When I found the posts and the account...I felt like I had been kicked in the gut, I couldn' breathe.  I thought it might get better now that the secret was out, but he's just gone back into full denial, let's not talk about it mode.   I really do feel like a total schmuck for believing his bullshit.
 

     Thread Starter
 

September 10, 2021 6:46 pm  #9


Re: Husband's secrets have broken me

longwayhome wrote:

Is there any willingness on your husband’s part to be accountable for any of his own actions/decisions to lie and deceive? Based on your post, it doesn’t appear so.

Look after yourself well because I truly believe, to the level you can put yourself first in your life, at this very moment, and until you can stabilize yourself and your situation, it will ensure you also greatly protect yourself from any further possible longer lasting harm while on this life altering journey.

I really hate mentioning this, but if you haven’t been tested for STDs, it’s always in your best interest to do so. Be safe.

Also, I don’t like that you state your husband remains angry. Watch that. It can often be a way to deflect you, stop you from pursuing the truth. Always remain standing in your truth. Your truth, gives you your strength- don’t loose sight of it.

There is no willingness to acknowledge the pain he has caused me.  He has never apologized for it, though he insists that he has.  I plan to get tested soon, its obvious that he's sought out some risky sexual encounters.
 

     Thread Starter
 

September 10, 2021 7:58 pm  #10


Re: Husband's secrets have broken me

ConfusedSeas, you are not a schmuck.  You are a normal person who trusted the person you married.

It sounds like you have your head screwed on the right way and are not fooled by his lying - just brokenhearted by it.

Its telling, isn't it, that in the face of your evident devastation, he is angry - and not sad, contrite, concerned for you, honest, willing to talk, wanting to make it right with you. It sounds like he's more concerned about losing the comfortable life you have been providing for him.

Look after yourself - self-care, a good therapist, a few trusted friends in your corner.  The sense of dislocation and unreality does lessen in time as you get your head around and honestly face the lies.  You deserve better.

I got out in front after my DDay, went grey rock,  and planned and executed a surgical exit within 6 months.  And without consulting gxh - I consulted lawyers instead.

Found a lot of support, wisdom, hard experience and snarky humour on Chump Lady.  Not everyone's cup of tea but really helped shore up my resolve.

Its a long road out, but I am 5 years down the track, divorced and No Contact with gxh.  Life is much better.

 

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