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August 30, 2021 5:08 am  #11


Re: Help

Diff I guess wrote:

I am a very old poster who used to post at the old board known as difflurker. I stopped posting eons ago and we'll since I didn't have anything much new to add I sorta kept quite. Sean and Cameron had such great advice and due to changes in my life I didn't have time to post. I still am not sure it is an good idea to post but I think I do have a little insight into what's going on here.  Anyway maybe I am getting old or maybe I am trying to find my way through my own limbo but here it goes:

You are not married to a gay man. You are married to that rare thing called a bisexual. Bisexual men the few I have meet didn't want either/or. They wanted both. I also doubt he can or will stop those behaviors. My advice is to RUN away from this guy like you would run from a burning building. The fire alarm is going off and the room is filled with smoke, confusion or not it is time to save yourself.

Hi Diff,

Thanks for your reply I myself have wondered this but certain things make me think otherwise....would a bi sexual man not be looking at porn that involves both sex?
When given the opportunity to bring toys into the bedroom he was not interested wanted to be in his shed on his own with his own toys and specifically talking to men? Tried to say it was talk about men doing things to me but then would not show me any of the content of these messages?
His mum is a serious homophobic and his bloke mates are very man's men if there is such a thing they have group chats whereby jokes around gays would be shared and he has often said " I know everyone's opinions on them"
He has been gone 5 weeks now has very little contact to even ask how the kids are has gone from seeing them every single day for the last 17 years ( age of eldest) to an hour and a half one day a week and every other weekend so far not a whole weekend might I add.
He is still lying over anything and everything he can including to the children why lie even now? Your out of here so what's the necessity if he is just bi?
Maybe I'm reading it wrong but my gut instinct tells me something very different

 

August 30, 2021 7:59 am  #12


Re: Help

Does it matter at this point?
His actions certainly speak to how well of a partner and a father he is/was.
Trust your gut. It's trying to protect you.


“The future is unwritten.”
― Joe Strummer
 

August 30, 2021 8:18 am  #13


Re: Help

Daryl wrote:

Does it matter at this point?
His actions certainly speak to how well of a partner and a father he is/was.
Trust your gut. It's trying to protect you.

It matters to me more now for the sake of my children not the relationship I believed we had thats dead in the water but I find it very unfair that he can continue with his secret life and recruit a new beard that he has already asked about when she can meet the children....why on earth would I allow any women he is with near my children leaving them wide open to yet more hurt when later on down the line he does the same thing to her if he is what I believe he is?
The word honesty is not in his vocabulary and he is proving this even now so he is hardly going to be honest with her is he?

     Thread Starter
 

August 30, 2021 1:35 pm  #14


Re: Help

Forgive me, I am having a bit of trouble getting used to the new forum and so I couldn't format it the way I wanted in the time I had left to post. 

Porn habits of gay and bi men are more complicated than that. Gay men can like straight porn provided there is a man involved. The problem with straight porn from a gay point of view is that the focus is on the female and not the male.  However the guys tend to be more "straight looking"(a.k.a. Macho) than gay porn(sometimes).  However the trouble with straight porn is that the men are accessories rather than necessities and imho the guys are often not cute.  

It stands to reason that a bi guy would like straight porn also. Gay porn is more attractive to gay men because the focus is on the man and having more than one man in it means there is an chance you could find one guy, the other, or both attractive. 

The reason for the sex toys and the reason why you are not involved is because he wants to be penetrated by a guy. If a woman was part of the fantasy he would have been with you.  The toys are a way of having sex with a man without having sex with a MAN. He could be too scared to actually do it. Doing it involves STD risk, the risk you might not like it or you are bad in bed. It also requires that you lure a willing guy(which he might not have managed to do yet). In biblical terms he is Eve being temped by an fruit on an tree... He also may well have done it and is making do with the toys because they are easier/more convenient than an hook up. 

I can't advise you on kids. I don't have kids and am not  gay husband but I can say this much. He is not an good father.

The reason why he is still lying is because the G word is hard for guys to accept and the Bi word is not that much better.  The only reason I say that the guy is bi is because he cheated on you with women. Normally, gay men just want men. Bi guys are different in that they want BOTH. For them it isn't either or but both. If you were a guy he would have been cheating on you with women and knocking up a few other men too. 

There is a danger in the BI word. The idea that well, he is bi he could be happy with me, All he has to do is ignore those pesky gay thoughts\behaviors and everything will be OK. That is not true.  In my wild days I meet about three guys who were bisexual and honestly only one of them I think could have been happy in an monogamous heterosexual union.

The worse one was a married guy(ugg).  He was verbally abusive to his wife, but he liked both men and women. Frankly would sleep with anything that didn't fight back too hard. Trust me there is nothing worse than having this guy look at straight porn and be attracted to women WHILE you are sleeping with him(and no I didn't know he was married at that point). 

The next one I am not sure if he was bi. He was a single guy who wanted to have a guy to the side, while he had girlfriend or wife. He was a great kisser and cute as hell, but I simply could not abide the level of deception that this situation would involve. He could also be a bit homophobic.  I once sent him gay porn and he got angry at me cause it had men in it, ??? We kissed, we got naked and had sex yet the sight of two guys doing it is offensive???

The last one was a young bisexual bad boy. He simply seemed to want to sleep with guys cause he could. Most of the porn he showed me was straight and he didn't have that great an history of being with men. He is the only one I can think of who might be able to stay monogamous. Maybe. He didn't seem all that attracted to me. 

Anyway, you can't control what he does next.  Just do your best to focus on yourself and your children.
 

Last edited by Diff I guess (August 30, 2021 1:42 pm)

 

August 30, 2021 1:50 pm  #15


Re: Help

Diff I guess wrote:

Forgive me, I am having a bit of trouble getting used to the new forum and so I couldn't format it the way I wanted in the time I had left to post. 

Porn habits of gay and bi men are more complicated than that. Gay men can like straight porn provided there is a man involved. The problem with straight porn from a gay point of view is that the focus is on the female and not the male.  However the guys tend to be more "straight looking"(a.k.a. Macho) than gay porn(sometimes).  However the trouble with straight porn is that the men are accessories rather than necessities and imho the guys are often not cute.  

It stands to reason that a bi guy would like straight porn also. Gay porn is more attractive to gay men because the focus is on the man and having more than one man in it means there is an chance you could find one guy, the other, or both attractive. 

The reason for the sex toys and the reason why you are not involved is because he wants to be penetrated by a guy. If a woman was part of the fantasy he would have been with you.  The toys are a way of having sex with a man without having sex with a MAN. He could be too scared to actually do it. Doing it involves STD risk, the risk you might not like it or you are bad in bed. It also requires that you lure a willing guy(which he might not have managed to do yet). In biblical terms he is Eve being temped by an fruit on an tree... He also may well have done it and is making do with the toys because they are easier/more convenient than an hook up. 

I can't advise you on kids. I don't have kids and am not  gay husband but I can say this much. He is not an good father.

The reason why he is still lying is because the G word is hard for guys to accept and the Bi word is not that much better.  The only reason I say that the guy is bi is because he cheated on you with women. Normally, gay men just want men. Bi guys are different in that they want BOTH. For them it isn't either or but both. If you were a guy he would have been cheating on you with women and knocking up a few other men too. 

There is a danger in the BI word. The idea that well, he is bi he could be happy with me, All he has to do is ignore those pesky gay thoughts\behaviors and everything will be OK. That is not true.  In my wild days I meet about three guys who were bisexual and honestly only one of them I think could have been happy in an monogamous heterosexual union.

The worse one was a married guy(ugg).  He was verbally abusive to his wife, but he liked both men and women. Frankly would sleep with anything that didn't fight back too hard. Trust me there is nothing worse than having this guy look at straight porn and be attracted to women WHILE you are sleeping with him(and no I didn't know he was married at that point). 

The next one I am not sure if he was bi. He was a single guy who wanted to have a guy to the side, while he had girlfriend or wife. He was a great kisser and cute as hell, but I simply could not abide the level of deception that this situation would involve. He could also be a bit homophobic.  I once sent him gay porn and he got angry at me cause it had men in it, ??? We kissed, we got naked and had sex yet the sight of two guys doing it is offensive???

The last one was a young bisexual bad boy. He simply seemed to want to sleep with guys cause he could. Most of the porn he showed me was straight and he didn't have that great an history of being with men. He is the only one I can think of who might be able to stay monogamous. Maybe. He didn't seem all that attracted to me. 

Anyway, you can't control what he does next.  Just do your best to focus on yourself and your children.
 

Thanks diff for explaining this I wondered with the women if he could be trying to affirm to himself he isn't what he actually is especially as this always happens round all of his hetro man's man mates could it be known for a GID to preform like that...I hasten to add the majority of his female cheating has never gone so far as sexual intercourse it seems he would run before it go to that...
Having friends that will happily share homophobic jokes and a homophobic mother I just wonder if this could be at all possible?

     Thread Starter
 

August 30, 2021 2:34 pm  #16


Re: Help

Beyondconfused wrote:

Diff I guess wrote:

Forgive me, I am having a bit of trouble getting used to the new forum and so I couldn't format it the way I wanted in the time I had left to post. 

Porn habits of gay and bi men are more complicated than that. Gay men can like straight porn provided there is a man involved. The problem with straight porn from a gay point of view is that the focus is on the female and not the male.  However the guys tend to be more "straight looking"(a.k.a. Macho) than gay porn(sometimes).  However the trouble with straight porn is that the men are accessories rather than necessities and imho the guys are often not cute.  

It stands to reason that a bi guy would like straight porn also. Gay porn is more attractive to gay men because the focus is on the man and having more than one man in it means there is an chance you could find one guy, the other, or both attractive. 

The reason for the sex toys and the reason why you are not involved is because he wants to be penetrated by a guy. If a woman was part of the fantasy he would have been with you.  The toys are a way of having sex with a man without having sex with a MAN. He could be too scared to actually do it. Doing it involves STD risk, the risk you might not like it or you are bad in bed. It also requires that you lure a willing guy(which he might not have managed to do yet). In biblical terms he is Eve being temped by an fruit on an tree... He also may well have done it and is making do with the toys because they are easier/more convenient than an hook up. 

I can't advise you on kids. I don't have kids and am not  gay husband but I can say this much. He is not an good father.

The reason why he is still lying is because the G word is hard for guys to accept and the Bi word is not that much better.  The only reason I say that the guy is bi is because he cheated on you with women. Normally, gay men just want men. Bi guys are different in that they want BOTH. For them it isn't either or but both. If you were a guy he would have been cheating on you with women and knocking up a few other men too. 

There is a danger in the BI word. The idea that well, he is bi he could be happy with me, All he has to do is ignore those pesky gay thoughts\behaviors and everything will be OK. That is not true.  In my wild days I meet about three guys who were bisexual and honestly only one of them I think could have been happy in an monogamous heterosexual union.

The worse one was a married guy(ugg).  He was verbally abusive to his wife, but he liked both men and women. Frankly would sleep with anything that didn't fight back too hard. Trust me there is nothing worse than having this guy look at straight porn and be attracted to women WHILE you are sleeping with him(and no I didn't know he was married at that point). 

The next one I am not sure if he was bi. He was a single guy who wanted to have a guy to the side, while he had girlfriend or wife. He was a great kisser and cute as hell, but I simply could not abide the level of deception that this situation would involve. He could also be a bit homophobic.  I once sent him gay porn and he got angry at me cause it had men in it, ??? We kissed, we got naked and had sex yet the sight of two guys doing it is offensive???

The last one was a young bisexual bad boy. He simply seemed to want to sleep with guys cause he could. Most of the porn he showed me was straight and he didn't have that great an history of being with men. He is the only one I can think of who might be able to stay monogamous. Maybe. He didn't seem all that attracted to me. 

Anyway, you can't control what he does next.  Just do your best to focus on yourself and your children.
 

Thanks diff for explaining this I wondered with the women if he could be trying to affirm to himself he isn't what he actually is especially as this always happens round all of his hetro man's man mates could it be known for a GID to preform like that...I hasten to add the majority of his female cheating has never gone so far as sexual intercourse it seems he would run before it go to that...
Having friends that will happily share homophobic jokes and a homophobic mother I just wonder if this could be at all possible?

Gay guys don't usually think that way. For gay men it is usually some form of twisted logic as to why there are not gay or not even bi despite the fact that they like sleeping with men. The G word is scary but they usually don't seek out extra women to affirm the fact that they are not gay. One would do. For gay men the G word is linked with being effeminate, and lots of negative things.

Basically for an GID guy it might go something like this:" I am not gay cause I don't bend my wrist, wear pink, have an high pitched voice ect....he, she or it is gay but I am not gay.  Yes, I sleep with men but sleeping with men does not make make me gay besides there is SOME attraction to women."

Well hell, it does rain in a dessert sometimes but most people would not classify the Sahara as something other than an desert and not all gay men are like Richard Simmons. 

The Bi word is not much better. For some gay men the bi word sounds better than gay(at least I am halfway there or halfway right). However these men are gay not bi they have little to no attraction to women. 

It is hard enough to accept being gay and having homophobic friends and relatives does not help. His sexuality is his problem, don't let him trap you with his problem. 
 

Last edited by Diff I guess (August 30, 2021 2:38 pm)

 

August 30, 2021 4:28 pm  #17


Re: Help

Beyondconfused wrote:

It matters to me more now for the sake of my children not the relationship I believed we had thats dead in the water but I find it very unfair that he can continue with his secret life and recruit a new beard that he has already asked about when she can meet the children....why on earth would I allow any women he is with near my children leaving them wide open to yet more hurt when later on down the line he does the same thing to her if he is what I believe he is?
The word honesty is not in his vocabulary and he is proving this even now so he is hardly going to be honest with her is he?

You might want to suggest that he not introduce this person for at least a year. The rationale being that if it doesn't work out, you don't want them having to adjust to yet more changes in their lives. (Plus they should be given time to adjust to the current changes.) It might be like talking to a wall but you can at least try.


“The future is unwritten.”
― Joe Strummer
 

August 30, 2021 4:56 pm  #18


Re: Help

I agree with what Ellehox says, about distance. Everytime I had contact with my ex, it put me back emotionally and mentally. And Beyondconfused also talks about 'cut him off'. I need to find a way to move on without having regular contact. Our sons are adults too and I only need to be in contact with them. Gosh, it must be hard with younger children, all I can say is protect them as much as you possibly can. They only have to see their dad, not his partner...yet. My sons have a good relationship with their dad, I don't want to ruin that out of respect for my sons. Yes, get out, get away... breath... live your life...!


"Ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free" (John 8:32).
 

August 30, 2021 6:41 pm  #19


Re: Help

Here's something I realized today: my ex's disordered behavior, which is a direct result of his living in a closet, actually affects his relationship with my son.  I have not told my son the truth about his father, also wishing to "respect" their relationship, but the fact is that their relationship is distorted.  I realized that it might actually be useful to my son to know the truth, so he could understand his father's behavior better, and adjust his own.  

 

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