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August 23, 2021 12:45 pm  #1


Help

Hi all,

First post and new to the forum.
Newly separated 20 years together, 12 years married and 4 beautiful daughters together ranging from 17 years to 4 years.
So a little bit of background husband has been a serial cheat and compulsive liar for the majority of the relationship....always protested never went any further than texting and very slight sexual contact always with women.
For the last 5 years he has been caught numerous times on various chat sites namely gay sites and then proclaimed he liked talking to guys about him and other person doing things to myself as it was a fantasy, on every occasion he would always promise it was nothing more than that and wouldn't happen again I was his everything.
15 months ago I walked in our shed to find said husband, that I can only describe as like a rabbit caught in headlights, heavy breathing and in quite an obvious panic asked him if he was OK and he said fine but minutes later my eyes fall upon a rather large sex toy I have never seen before thrown under the chair on which he is sitting. Obviously questioned him about and he protested not gay but couldn't explain why he did it.
Fast forward to July 2020 when a major family trauma left me seeking therapy for my own undisclosed at the time childhood sexual abuse, on the same day as I start my first session I find out he has been talking with another woman and in phone conversation said he felt the spark had gone from our relationship.
I left the marital home for a week for my own mental health and upon return he declared he wanted to work on the marriage had told the woman this and revealed he had also been sexually abused as a child and stated that was why he did the things he did ( watching gay porn, gay chat sites and his shed business).
I continued with therapy for 8 months working on myself, how to create healthy boundaries in relationships, growing and learning my own worth etc etc....during this time to my knowledge he had disposed of his toy and was invested in working on our relationship.
The further I progressed the more distant he became and the more he shut off communicating.
4 months ago I found out he had been using the garage where this said woman worked two to three times a day and when I sat him down to talk about it, explained how it made me feel and how I couldn't understand if you were committed to working on your marriage why you would continue to do that he said he understood and knew it was wrong, it was me he wanted, blah blah blah so again I continued to try.
Now to the current 4 weeks ago I walked into the shed to find and New sex toy and lube hidden in the space of just a few days positioning moved several times so I questioned him about it and he got very defensive at which point I asked him to leave and he was more than happy to just walk away without any fight.
5 days later after spending the day in the family home with me and our children he then said he had to go but was very sheepish after proceeding to the shed and of course after leaving I checked and the toy and lube had gone. Same day he is back on gay chat site all evening, the following morning and again two days later.
In between these days he was telling me he was going to get himself sorted out, he knew it was all his fault and that he was going to put everything right. Also confessed to taking it out of the shed and said he had thrown in away on route to work ( he didn't go to work during that time)
I then confided in one of our mutual friends regarding the whole situation and explained all of what had been going on in the hope if he knew people would be supportive he would seek professional help but on finding out this he went ballistic said " it was his secret to tell" and I just wanted to change him I couldn't just be happy for him to have his secret life in the shed at 2am.
When discussing taking wedding pictures down because of how much it hurt to look at them he made comments such as " don't put them in the closet will you" and has also said in response to my saying he should be true to himself or he will never be happy " when I'm 70 and with my husband Bob because nobody cares at 70 do they, you can tell me I told you so"
I've now found out that 6 days after leaving he also contacted the woman from the garage and has since taken her out for dinner and told me he is unsure what will happen between them " she told me she doesn't want to get in a relationship with me as she doesn't want to be a rebound" " she doesn't want to step into your shoes and is anxious about meeting the children" comments which make me think there is more to it than he says of course.
My question is though I'm seriously confused my gut instinct is he is not being true to himself but his actions are saying I'm a hetro man that fell out of love with you and moved on to another woman....
Has anyone here had any experience with a gay married man being a serial cheat with women?  Could this be his own way of trying to affirm he is not gay? Is this new woman just another mask for him?
He is still insisting he is not gay all sites and toys are now gone out of his life since the weekend after leaving because " I aint doing that no more" " I don't want that in my life"
Sometimes feel like I'm going crazy and after listening to his lies and bull crap continuously  for 20 years its very difficult to not fall into his trap of believing since leaving 4 weeks ago he is now a changed man and this was obviously just a problem with me even though my logical brain try to tell me different

 

August 23, 2021 1:58 pm  #2


Re: Help

Hi Beyond confused and welcome,

I am sorry that you had to find us, but I am glad that you will find genuine support. There are some very experienced women on here who have been in your situation. I will say that I think you are definitely not crazy and the behaviour is not that what I would expect of a heterosexual man. He is the only one who knows the actual truth, and he seems to want to hide that. His behaviour towards you for the last 20 years seems to be less than you deserve as both his Wife, and the Mother of his children. I am sorry that you are going through this.


And now here is my secret, a very simple secret. It is only with the heart that one can see clearly that which is essential is invisible to the eye.
 

August 23, 2021 2:39 pm  #3


Re: Help

Beyondconfused wrote:

Welcome Beyond.....my partner is bisexual. He convinced me to give the open r'ship a try. And we did. It worked both ways, we both enjoyed it until I began to become uneasy with the fact he was seeing one woman exclusively. I knew she was comfortable with anal sex and I believe this allows the bisexual/gay man the 'permission' and freedom to explore his sexuality. So yes I think women are used in the Mindfuck because involving a woman is what we, the straightspouse, are more likely to suspect is 'normal' cheating and is used as a diversion. 

My partner said she was his "soundingboard"....blah. 
I tend not to think about/focus on the dishonesty and lies because it just used to lead me down a rabbit hole. I had years of my partner dismissing my worries and eventually realised I was far better off focusing on myself and how I was going to live

Elle

Elle


KIA KAHA                       
 

August 23, 2021 4:13 pm  #4


Re: Help

Hello beyondconfused,

Welcome to the board. If you haven't seen this already, take a look at the first thread of this post -
First Aid Kit: How to survive finding out your partner is LGBT

https://straightspouse.boardhost.com/viewtopic_mobile.php?id=1217

I suggest you get support during this difficult time. Tell trusted friends and family. Find a therapist who is on your side. That may take time to find someone who's a good fit. Definitely don't keep it bottled up, regardless of your husband's pressure. 

As you know your husband is not straight.  He may not tell you the truth now or ever.  Am guessing your setting boundaries with the help of therapy is causing his control of you to slip.  He's using the spaghetti defense to save the marriage  - throw it all on the wall to see what sticks.   Hearing lies, half-truths and the truth is confusing for sure. My late GIDXH was great at it.

Here's another link that may help. It's to Chump Lady, a website that supports the the cheated upon. It cuts through the many excuses cheating spouses give when caught.

https://www.chumplady.com/

Here's a letter from a woman whose husband goes on gay video chats:

https://www.chumplady.com/2021/02/am-i-selfish-for-leaving-him/

Here's one from a poster on this forum whose wife came out of the closet:

https://www.chumplady.com/2019/06/dear-chump-lady-my-wife-cheated-with-a-woman

Take care of yourself,
Maria


No - It's not too late. It's not hopeless. Even there, there's something I can do. I just have to find the will. Ikiru (1952), film directed by Akira Kurosawa 
 

August 23, 2021 6:40 pm  #5


Re: Help

Beyondconfused, I'm so sorry you are being put through this mindf*ck by your cheating husband.

MJMs advice is excellent and comprehensive.

He's a lying cheater and your logical brain is telling you this not acceptable to you any more.

Please believe your logical brain and don't take him back. Your logical brain will also enable you to get a good lawyer, file for divorce as soon as you can and not let him screw you out of the great settlement you deserve.

And - keep going to that very good therapist.

Best of luck in the journey out and on to a better life.

 

August 24, 2021 3:44 pm  #6


Re: Help

Thank you all for your responses at such a turbulent time it goes a long way to feel less alone in all this.
I have reached out to a few close trusted family members and friends but I feel they find it hard to understand and comprehend my feelings as they have never actually been through this themselves.
My therapist is worth her weight in gold at keeping me putting one foot in front of the other right now.
It really is bringing into question my judgement on people right now and makes me feel I can trust no one.
I will be sure to have a read on the links.
The last few days he is ringing me for trivial things which just adds to the confusion it would be so much easier I feel if we did not have the children and I could just cut him off completely in regards to healing myself.
If he chooses to live his life a lie there is nothing I can do about it I know that but I really struggle with how this will effect the children. Already he has asked how long before can be introduced etc while Inside I'm screaming its been 4 weeks you have been gone and you want to introduce your next woman for my children to potentially form a bond with only for you to do the same thing....am I wrong for thinking this way?
I know he now proclaims to be a new man, all this stuff is out of his life and from here on in he is am honest man but can someone really just flick a switch and stop such behaviours?
Many thanks

     Thread Starter
 

August 24, 2021 4:30 pm  #7


Re: Help

Beyondconfused wrote:

...

I tried Chumplady for a while and found the site wasn't for me but the one thing I did take from it was "grey rock" ....distancing yourself (being able to/learning to) mentally and emotionally from the father of your children,  will be good for your self-esteem and recovery and leave you in a better headspace to cope with the challenges contact with him throws at you.
My children are all adults so I took grey-rock as a tool for me, although I had to take into consideration they all still have good r'ships with my partner so had temper my grey-rock with respect for my kids

Elle


KIA KAHA                       
 

August 24, 2021 4:52 pm  #8


Re: Help

I think it's rare that someone can undergo such a transformation. It seems he's been living a secret life for many years and couldn't/wouldn't manage this change until now. I find it a bit suspicious. I think it's more likely he needs to acquire a new beard/cover story. If he can make you feel guilty or doubt yourself in the process, all the better to him.


“The future is unwritten.”
― Joe Strummer
 

August 24, 2021 6:26 pm  #9


Re: Help

BeyondConfused, with the phone calls for trivial things, you don't have to take every call or answer every question or do everything he asks.

You can set boundaries that work for you, eg: email only communication, using parenting software.  This gives a bonus of recorded conversations and arrangements that might be useful in the divorce.

He doesnt get to decide how he will communicate with you, you do.

He's forfeited his right to have a say in how you do things now.

I found that hard to learn.  I was such a conditioned long-term care-taker.

When I took steps to set boundaries in communication just after we separated it became so much easier.  My head remained clearer once his voice wasn't always in it.

 

August 30, 2021 4:54 am  #10


Re: Help

I am a very old poster who used to post at the old board known as difflurker. I stopped posting eons ago and we'll since I didn't have anything much new to add I sorta kept quite. Sean and Cameron had such great advice and due to changes in my life I didn't have time to post. I still am not sure it is an good idea to post but I think I do have a little insight into what's going on here.  Anyway maybe I am getting old or maybe I am trying to find my way through my own limbo but here it goes:

You are not married to a gay man. You are married to that rare thing called a bisexual. Bisexual men the few I have meet didn't want either/or. They wanted both. I also doubt he can or will stop those behaviors. My advice is to RUN away from this guy like you would run from a burning building. The fire alarm is going off and the room is filled with smoke, confusion or not it is time to save yourself. I wish I had advice for the children but don't let him introduce a person that fast. I don't know what his game is with that unfortunate woman but frankly it doesn't matter.  You have kids, you don't need this kind of craziness in your life.

Last edited by Diff I guess (August 30, 2021 5:05 am)

 

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