Devastatedbylies wrote:

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Welcome First take a deep breath....several deep breaths actually. Good on you for finding the forum, and reading and getting acquainted with the format. Have you read the First Aid Kit on the General Discussion Board? 
This is a confusing and difficult time but you're in the right place for the support and advice you'll need

None of us has this happen in exactly the same way but first and foremost I listened to my inner voice that told me 
this wasn't what I wanted in my life. My partner and I are in our 37th year together and I stay for the financial ease and our r'ship that has turned more platonic than anything else. I am celibate, not interested in him sexually and maybe one day I'll leave but not yet..
I guess I'm saying think long and hard before getting married or moving. It will get harder to extricate yourself the longer you're together. Men who have a homosexual tint to their sexuality, in my opinion, have it in them forever, and much of the time will be uppermost in their thoughts because it's something they can't openly express

Elle
 

Some of us call this the roller coaster. We don't want to hate the person but we certainly hate some of the choices they made. It hurts to see our world shattered while they seem more like relieved at what has happened. I think it's good to let it out but safely. Vent here, write a letter but don't send it, that sort of thing. Find someone you can tell, a close friend or family member who can keep your confidence and knows how to listen. In my opinion, there's little to gain by bringing up the extra evidence you found. If you've made the decision to break, you should spend your energy detaching his life from yours. Maybe you will want to pursue some counseling, definitely look into that if you feel stuck, traumatized or a bit of PTSD like feelings.

Not everything needs to be decided right away. First steps can be small ones. The key is to begin moving.
 

Devastatedbylies wrote:

I haven't told him anything about this because I found it in a "wrong way", also I don't want him to change the few passwords that I know or become even sneakier than what he has been all this time (incognito mode, clearing his history, etc.) I don't know what else to do.

I had this exact same shame, at least in the beginning.  I was terrified I was going to get caught, even though all I was doing was protecting myself.  I also felt like a criminal coming here and posting.  There was another online forum where I posted about it in a private thread, but I was terrified I would get caught.  When I finally got online access to OUR SHARED JOINT CHECKING ACCOUNT, I was actually sneaking around peeking at my own bank statements as if there was something shameful about it!

When the day finally came that I sat down to talk with him, he tried to pump me for information on how much I knew (probably trying to figure out how he could become a better, more effective liar).  I told him directly, he only ever confesses to the stuff that he knows he's already been caught at, so I'm not going to discuss "how much" I'd discovered or how I'd found out.

That stopped him for a moment.  But if anyone, ever, anywhere tries to shame me for any of this, my response will be: If you're determined to shame me, I can assure you there's plenty there for you to work with.  There's a lot that I feel deeply ashamed about, so you're going to have an easy job of it.  But you're going to have an interesting time trying to shame me for the ONE thing I ever did to stand up for myself, to protect myself.  Please continue.  I'll give you a score, on a scale of one to ten, how ashamed I am.  Because of everything I have beat myself up over, going back three decades, you have chosen to try and shame me for the ONE THING I did to stand up for myself and fight back.  As Barack Obama once said, "Please proceed, governor."
 

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Last edited by Devastatedbylies (August 22, 2021 5:07 am)

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Last edited by Devastatedbylies (August 22, 2021 5:08 am)