I am looking at finding a good therapist, but the big issue is, i am not sure what is my wives orientation. i want to take a decision based on the finding. 

bandala33 wrote:

I am looking at finding a good therapist, but the big issue is, i am not sure what is my wives orientation. i want to take a decision based on the finding. 

I don't think most therapists will make declarations of where someone who is not a client falls on the LGBT+ rainbow.  However, you already know what you know, which is:
1.  You never had a great sex life;
2.  You have sex "at most once a month";
3.  She rejects your sexual advances; 
4.  You sound like roommates;
​5.  She's ashamed to be naked with you;
6.  She's not romantic or intimate with you;
7.  She's emotionally intimate with a female friend for "7-8 hours" per day (dang, that's a full-time job!);
8.  She's interested in lesbian oriented entertainment;
9.  She feels like you don't need to have sex any more; and
10.  Your sexual intimacy seems to involve only yourself (most straight women would come to the rescue here).

You know what you need to know.  This is really difficult stuff, and I'm sorry you are dealing with it.  Good luck.

I agree with Soaplife. Bandalla33, go get help. You have a right to 'be', to breath, to live a life. She is controlling you, because she is dependent on you....This is not a healthy situation. At the same time, she makes you feel, like you are the one who looks after the family etc. This is a manipulative behaviour. Get help... it's OK to get professional help.

Ordinary guy wrote:

Unfortunately there is no test for this. I would place my bet after understanding the relationship between her and her friend. Are they spending all day together while you are bringing home the bacon? I don’t think she will come out if she is a lesbian. She seems to have exactly what she wants at the moment and would be terrified of losing it. There is a world of difference between denial and a conscious closet. If she suspects that you have worked it out, I will wager that you will be met with hostility as her defence. Can you speak to her friend’s spouse about their relationship? My situation is similar in many ways, and my wife would rather die than come out. This strength that they project hides an intrinsic weakness. Whenever this weakness is threatened, the only option is to attack and control. Through the systematic erosion of your self esteem, their own self esteem is maintained at a higher level. 

To answer your original questions:

Is she gay? Quite possibly.
Will she ever come out? Not a chance in hell if she believes that she has deceived you for this long.

Your assessment is the most spot on, i could not have expressed it better.
"​My situation is similar in many ways, and my wife would rather die than come out. This strength that they project hides an intrinsic weakness. Whenever this weakness is threatened, the only option is to attack and control. Through the systematic erosion of your self esteem, their own self esteem is maintained at a higher level. "

These two lines determine exactly my position. Every time I am alone at night, sitting in my computer room and self satisfy, my self-esteem dies a bit more.

I have started drinking alone. I drink alone, work alone, sleep alone at my desk. 

Once i have told my wife about  this great lesbian couple where one is from India and other pakistan and they are married now and US is so great for having such freedom. She was so defensive and asked me to never bring up such topics. 

Some many times i have felt that any such conversations can hit an raw nerve. Any conversations around LGBT topics make her very uncomfortable.i sometimes feel sorry that she cannot accept her own orientation. 

 

“These two lines determine exactly my position. Every time I am alone at night, sitting in my computer room and self satisfy, my self-esteem dies a bit more”.

A wonderful woman at work was very kind to me. We had been good friends and were about as close as you could be to someone in the work place these days. When I had my heart attack, she was everything that my own wife should have been to me. When I returned to work, I told her everything about what had been happening to me over the last thirteen years and how this had basically damaged me.  She reached out to touch me and I just freaked out, terrified of her touch. It was my conditioned response to her attempt at innocent intimacy. I have learned that physical contact is to be avoided at all costs. I instinctively apologise for any accidental physical contact I have with anybody these days. This is what I have become over the years of neglect and abuse Bandala. My own self-esteem has been reduced to the point were I effectively see myself as a monster, a freak and unworthy of affection. This is the price that I have paid to keep my family together. I started out like you my brother, feeling shame at what I was reduced to doing. This is no way to live, and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. You are still a young man and have a chance to change your stars. Don’t be me. My own star shone so brightly and so warmly, that I thought it would last forever. But now my star has become a black hole that even devours the light of others when it is offered. Change your stars Bandala, while you still can. 

4926 days…