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August 16, 2021 9:42 pm  #11


Re: is She Gay - Will she ever comeout?

Hi bandala33,

Am very sorry you find yourself here.  This may not be her intent, but your wife's behavior sounds borderline abusive in my opinion.   I'd feel trapped, nervous and scared, too. 

I strongly second Soaplife's suggestion to see a therapist to help you. People usually visit their family doctor to get referrals for therapists and psychiatrists.  You might tell your wife your doctor wanted you to see a therapist if she is against it.

Am a female and had a similar situation. I was in a sexless long term marriage. He was controlling and refused to work the last 8 years of our marriage. I felt like I had a son, not a husband.  He denied he was gay the many times I asked. I found proof of it after he passed away.

You deserve a happy life, and it's never too late to have one.

Take care,
Maria


No - It's not too late. It's not hopeless. Even there, there's something I can do. I just have to find the will. Ikiru (1952), film directed by Akira Kurosawa 
 

August 17, 2021 2:38 pm  #12


Re: is She Gay - Will she ever comeout?

I am looking at finding a good therapist, but the big issue is, i am not sure what is my wives orientation. i want to take a decision based on the finding. 

     Thread Starter
 

August 17, 2021 3:06 pm  #13


Re: is She Gay - Will she ever comeout?

Unfortunately there is no test for this. I would place my bet after understanding the relationship between her and her friend. Are they spending all day together while you are bringing home the bacon? I don’t think she will come out if she is a lesbian. She seems to have exactly what she wants at the moment and would be terrified of losing it. There is a world of difference between denial and a conscious closet. If she suspects that you have worked it out, I will wager that you will be met with hostility as her defence. Can you speak to her friend’s spouse about their relationship? My situation is similar in many ways, and my wife would rather die than come out. This strength that they project hides an intrinsic weakness. Whenever this weakness is threatened, the only option is to attack and control. Through the systematic erosion of your self esteem, their own self esteem is maintained at a higher level. 

To answer your original questions:

Is she gay? Quite possibly.
Will she ever come out? Not a chance in hell if she believes that she has deceived you for this long.


And now here is my secret, a very simple secret. It is only with the heart that one can see clearly that which is essential is invisible to the eye.
 

August 17, 2021 4:47 pm  #14


Re: is She Gay - Will she ever comeout?

bandala33 wrote:

I am looking at finding a good therapist, but the big issue is, i am not sure what is my wives orientation. i want to take a decision based on the finding. 

I don't think most therapists will make declarations of where someone who is not a client falls on the LGBT+ rainbow.  However, you already know what you know, which is:
1.  You never had a great sex life;
2.  You have sex "at most once a month";
3.  She rejects your sexual advances; 
4.  You sound like roommates;
​5.  She's ashamed to be naked with you;
6.  She's not romantic or intimate with you;
7.  She's emotionally intimate with a female friend for "7-8 hours" per day (dang, that's a full-time job!);
8.  She's interested in lesbian oriented entertainment;
9.  She feels like you don't need to have sex any more; and
10.  Your sexual intimacy seems to involve only yourself (most straight women would come to the rescue here).

You know what you need to know.  This is really difficult stuff, and I'm sorry you are dealing with it.  Good luck.

 

August 17, 2021 5:40 pm  #15


Re: is She Gay - Will she ever comeout?

Consider what you would do if she did admit it. Would you stay? Would you separate?  Would you attempt to open the marriage so you could experience sexual intimacy?  Work from there is my suggestion. She may never tell you. Mine never did no matter how hard I tried.

I finally left my late exh because of his abusive behavior. Am sure a lot of it was fueled by him being in the closet. It was hell being used as a whipping post and free money tree. He manipulated me to get all the freebies for life. It felt like I was liberated from indentured servitude when I threw him out. That's no hyperbole.

I can understand the need to know. There's no shame taking steps to find out. You may want to hire a private detective. You might want to act as your own using steps written by Upside, a poster whose wife was a closeted lesbian. 

https://straightspouse.boardhost.com/viewtopic.php?id=2442


No - It's not too late. It's not hopeless. Even there, there's something I can do. I just have to find the will. Ikiru (1952), film directed by Akira Kurosawa 
 

August 17, 2021 6:17 pm  #16


Re: is She Gay - Will she ever comeout?

Bandalla33,


Don't beat yourself up.  I'm looking back on my marriage and recognize now some of this lack of intimacy.  Still never thought my GX was gay. 

I too was able to able to put my finger on it...the fear of upsetting her.  It is narcissism.. as evident by her keeping track of your time etc. 


We love them but they hurt us.   Know that it's not you.  Tell her it hurts you..the lack of sex, the friend.  Her reaction, if anger,  tells you all you need to know.


"For we walk by faith, not by sight .."  2Corinthians 5:7
 

August 20, 2021 5:29 am  #17


Re: is She Gay - Will she ever comeout?

I agree with Soaplife. Bandalla33, go get help. You have a right to 'be', to breath, to live a life. She is controlling you, because she is dependent on you....This is not a healthy situation. At the same time, she makes you feel, like you are the one who looks after the family etc. This is a manipulative behaviour. Get help... it's OK to get professional help.


"Ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free" (John 8:32).
 

August 20, 2021 10:57 am  #18


Re: is She Gay - Will she ever comeout?

MJM017 wrote:

Consider what you would do if she did admit it. Would you stay? Would you separate? Would you attempt to open the marriage so you could experience sexual intimacy? Work from there is my suggestion. She may never tell you. Mine never did no matter how hard I tried.

I finally left my late exh because of his abusive behavior. Am sure a lot of it was fueled by him being in the closet. It was hell being used as a whipping post and free money tree. He manipulated me to get all the freebies for life. It felt like I was liberated from indentured servitude when I threw him out. That's no hyperbole.

I can understand the need to know. There's no shame taking steps to find out. You may want to hire a private detective. You might want to act as your own using steps written by Upside, a poster whose wife was a closeted lesbian.

https://straightspouse.boardhost.com/viewtopic.php?id=2442

Even if i know that she is Gay, I have no options left. I cannot have an open marriage. She needs me to provide her and our kids.

If i know, at most i will stop beating up myself and where i lack. My expectations will be set.

I doubt i will ever get a divorce, as she does not work, have 2 kids and one of them was born through IVF. I love them more than life itself. 
 

     Thread Starter
 

August 20, 2021 11:53 am  #19


Re: is She Gay - Will she ever comeout?

Ordinary guy wrote:

Unfortunately there is no test for this. I would place my bet after understanding the relationship between her and her friend. Are they spending all day together while you are bringing home the bacon? I don’t think she will come out if she is a lesbian. She seems to have exactly what she wants at the moment and would be terrified of losing it. There is a world of difference between denial and a conscious closet. If she suspects that you have worked it out, I will wager that you will be met with hostility as her defence. Can you speak to her friend’s spouse about their relationship? My situation is similar in many ways, and my wife would rather die than come out. This strength that they project hides an intrinsic weakness. Whenever this weakness is threatened, the only option is to attack and control. Through the systematic erosion of your self esteem, their own self esteem is maintained at a higher level. 

To answer your original questions:

Is she gay? Quite possibly.
Will she ever come out? Not a chance in hell if she believes that she has deceived you for this long.

Your assessment is the most spot on, i could not have expressed it better.
"​My situation is similar in many ways, and my wife would rather die than come out. This strength that they project hides an intrinsic weakness. Whenever this weakness is threatened, the only option is to attack and control. Through the systematic erosion of your self esteem, their own self esteem is maintained at a higher level. "

These two lines determine exactly my position. Every time I am alone at night, sitting in my computer room and self satisfy, my self-esteem dies a bit more.

I have started drinking alone. I drink alone, work alone, sleep alone at my desk. 

Once i have told my wife about  this great lesbian couple where one is from India and other pakistan and they are married now and US is so great for having such freedom. She was so defensive and asked me to never bring up such topics. 

Some many times i have felt that any such conversations can hit an raw nerve. Any conversations around LGBT topics make her very uncomfortable.i sometimes feel sorry that she cannot accept her own orientation. 

 

     Thread Starter
 

August 20, 2021 12:21 pm  #20


Re: is She Gay - Will she ever comeout?

In my opinion, you only need to provide for your kids. I think you should investigate what you could expect if you did divorce (child support, spousal support if she was a SAHM, how long it would last, property division, etc.). Better to have the facts, you'll make a more informed decision that way. I'm a bit fearful for you. Too much solitude is not healthy, especially the alcohol aspect. It is true you can't be sure of the future if you change things, that being said, I think we all see what's guaranteed for you if you do not. Something to think about, doesn't have to be today. Take care of yourself, if not for yourself, then for the kids.


“The future is unwritten.”
― Joe Strummer
 

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