OurPath Open Forum

This Open Forum is funded and administered by OurPath, Inc., (formerly the Straight Spouse Network). OurPath is a 501(c)(3) nonprofit that provides support to Straight Partners and Partners of Trans People who have discovered that their partner is LGBT+.


For more information about our recent name change, please read our press release or visit our website at https://www.ourpath.org.


BE A DONOR >>>

You are not logged in. Would you like to login or register?



July 26, 2021 5:54 pm  #1


What if your child was the deceitful one?

I am not a parent, so I have no clue on how a parent should act.

What if you found out our child (as a grown adult), deceived someone and turned their whole life upside down? What would you do? Do you reach out to your daughter in law and ask if she is okay? Do you tell her you are sorry for the pain and the heart break that her son deceived you for 16 years?

My STBX mother in law has NOT reached out to me since all of this exploded. I have reached out to her on many many occasions to see if she was okay with the news that her son is transgender and now wants to be with a man and wrecked his whole marriage.

I know that was traumatizing for her to discover this revelation. I was trying to cope and help her with helping myself a the same time.

THEN after I discovered the whole sexting and hidden accounts, he tried to lie to her about it. I called her and told her he was looking to hook up with men and had explicit sexual pictures and that's when she hung up on me. This was in January.

Come April, my brother in law suddenly passed away. She texted me with condolences and I finally texted her back that I was so hurt for the way she hung up and didn't believe what I was saying. I decided her sympathy and concerns only reminded me of how she was not there for me during my dark hours. I told her to not think of me as she said she does, but never calls me.

Finally on Mother's Day, I decided to call her and we had a 2 hour conversation. I heard she was sick and on an oxygen machine from COVID.  I didn't know how I would feel had she passed and I didn't speak to her. She told me she didn't know what to say to me after all her son's deceit and hurtful betrayal.  We ended on a good note, but she wasn't really "sorry" for what he did. She didn't really show me any compassion as she just "loves her son".  Just as a human being, she can't even telll me she's sorry he tore my life apart?

I haven't spoken to her since and she texted me for my birthday. Why? Why text me, but not show me sympathy that your son destroyed my life?

I helped her arrange my father in law's funeral, helped her get her finances in order after he died, helped her navigate her business, helped her sell his cars, got her out of debt when he passed, helped her rebuild her house after the flood, I could go on and on. I was literally her care taker, assistant, finanical adviser. I did everything for her when her other son  (who lives down the street) and does nothing. She calls me and I'm way across the country on the East Coast. 

Please someone tell me why a mother in law, a woman, a spouse.....  shows no sympathy to a loving daughter in law who has been by your side through everything?




 

Last edited by LostAtSea (July 26, 2021 8:04 pm)

 

July 26, 2021 7:11 pm  #2


Re: What if your child was the deceitful one?

Lost, I’m so sorry, know it seems to be a common thread, I’m sure you were an amazing daughter-in-law, which is why it’s hurting you so much.

It’s so painful every way you turn in these situations.

Take care.

Added: It boils down to values, in my opinion, perhaps the apple didn't fall too far from the tree.

Last edited by longwayhome (July 26, 2021 7:25 pm)


I never cease to wonder at the cruelty of this land, but it seems a time of sadness is a time to understand, is it mine, oh lord is it mine, when everything is dark ….. Roger Hodgson. 
 

July 26, 2021 7:33 pm  #3


Re: What if your child was the deceitful one?

Poor woman. Torn between her allegiance to her son and the daughter-in-law who is there for her. She sounds a very weak woman, and undeserving of your goodness towards her. 
I'm a very open (too forgiving as well) and, like you, would offer my time and help but I'm also aware I have nothing to do with how somebody else behaves towards me. 
My partner's mother,who never crossed our threshold in all the years we were together because we are unmarried, was accepting of my visits with her, I'd stop and chat, have coffee, talk about inconsequential things/nothing important or personal. She never knew her son was bisexual and if she'd found out before her death it would have sent her to her knees in a firestorm of prayer lol. 
In all the times I visited it felt impersonal, like she didn't care if I was there or not. 

So all the help you give your MIL Lost....you're doing it for you, and that's okay but you might need to set some of your own personal boundaries, in your mind, to accept that you'll probably never get back the kind of thanks/emotion/r'ship you were hoping for. You have a good heart

Elle


KIA KAHA                       
 

July 26, 2021 8:13 pm  #4


Re: What if your child was the deceitful one?

my gh is terrified to come out to his family and let them know what he has done to me.  They have knows me since i am 17 and i am in my mid 40s .  they have seen me graduate from highschool, college ect. I think they will be very sorry for me but i dont think they will take my side on this.  

I am already getting prepared for all that and someone here posted that you should pour more of yourself to the people that nurture and matter and give less of yourself to the people that will not be unconditional and now i am focusing on doing that.  I am providing more time to my support system knowing that the rest is going to collapse when the shit hits the fan.

 

July 26, 2021 8:17 pm  #5


Re: What if your child was the deceitful one?

When the ambushed phone call came in, he was at her house for Thanksgiving. That call brought me to my knees in tears and I made him go downstairs to tell her. He said it would give her a heart attack, but I did not care.  He only told her the PG version and that he was confused on who he was.  He only told her he was confused about his identity and was only sure about "cross dressing".  I leaned on her and she leaned on me for support, but it was mostly I who did the supporting. At that time, this was only between the 3 of us.

She is a very weak woman and never could make any decisions; hence always struggling. I do things for my MIL because I don't want to see her struggle. Any good daughter in law would be helpful, right?

My father in law always took charge and if he were still alive.... the way I am being treated now would send him to his grave.  He's probably rolling around in it now from what his son has become. He was a true Catholic homophobic man. He did not believe in being gay and certainly not transgender. 

I did tell her that I guessed blood is always thicker than water.   So why text me now?  I did reply back to her, but I will never again. My part with making peace with her is done.

 

     Thread Starter
 

July 26, 2021 8:49 pm  #6


Re: What if your child was the deceitful one?

Allatsea,Enjoy the guilt free freedom and the extra time and let her go, she's made her decision. Its time for her lazy sons to shine haha.

I look at it this way - I would have been tremendously hurt and betrayed if anyone in my FOO had kept up a friendship with my abusive gxh or his family. Also MIL has a weird obsessive relationship with my gxh, so I expected gxh's family to pick gxh's side, right or wrong.

I accepted that I lost the in-laws when I divorced my gxh. I thought it would be harder than it was.

I didnt really miss them at all.
Looking back now, I see they were shocking boundary-busters, were interfering, inordinately demanding of my time, and very selfish.  Like you, I had been much kinder to them than my gxh.

I realised that indeed the apple doesn't fall far from the tree when they started badmouthing me to my children.  So my kids voted with their feet and they lost their grandchildren.

So enjoy the liberty her decision gives you to not have to inconvenience yourself going cross-country to do all the things she can ask her son down the road to do.

Last edited by Soaplife (July 26, 2021 8:57 pm)

 

July 26, 2021 9:04 pm  #7


Re: What if your child was the deceitful one?

LostAtSea,
    The loss of extended family is one more knife in the heart.  We didn't just invest in our spouses; we also invested in the whole extended family.  It's just one more of the myriad injustices and painful separations we must endure.  It's especially unfair that because we were investing our time in those relationships for decades that when our spouses discard us for their "fabulous" new lives we are left without support (because we've put our energy and time into their families and not a support system of our own).

 

July 26, 2021 10:47 pm  #8


Re: What if your child was the deceitful one?

OutofHisCloset wrote:

LostAtSea,
    The loss of extended family is one more knife in the heart.  We didn't just invest in our spouses; we also invested in the whole extended family.  It's just one more of the myriad injustices and painful separations we must endure.  It's especially unfair that because we were investing our time in those relationships for decades that when our spouses discard us for their "fabulous" new lives we are left without support (because we've put our energy and time into their families and not a support system of our own).

This is true, it was a loss, but one I adjusted to fairly quickly as I got out of the chumpy codependent habit.

Then I could admit the truth to myself that I disliked my MIL because she wasn't a nice person and that her husband was weak and enabling of her worst behaviours. That her nicest son, and her daughter with 2nd husband, live as far away from her as possible without actually leaving the country, and seldom visit.

Luckily I did have a few friends of my own and 2 very loyal and supportive sisters.

GXH and inlaws are welcome to each other. No more silly games for me.

 

July 27, 2021 12:31 pm  #9


Re: What if your child was the deceitful one?

I kind of figured his parents and siblings knew he wasn't straight. 

I get the impression they were happy he married me to quiet down the gay rumors and get this troubled person out of their hair. No more wife means he was back in their hair & the gay talk is on the front burner. Of course they wouldn't be happy.

Not fair, just or moral. I can empathize. At least he's gone from your life. That's the most important part.


No - It's not too late. It's not hopeless. Even there, there's something I can do. I just have to find the will. Ikiru (1952), film directed by Akira Kurosawa 
 

July 27, 2021 1:56 pm  #10


Re: What if your child was the deceitful one?

I'm sorry Lost. No one deserves that treatment.

Of all of the obstacles GID spouses bring, the immediate extended family cutoff was the most unexpected. I championed my ex-wife's family more than my own, giving endless time, energy, and money to help. When they heard the news of affairs with women they were rightfully shocked. But after they calmed, having a chance to talk, they were in pure denial of what I'd found. I offered to show them the texts where other women said they loved her and wanted to carry her baby. No...they weren't interested.

They simply couldn't hold the two thoughts in their mind: a perfect daughter vs a cheating bisexual. So one had to be banished.

This experience has helped me see people are fairly bad at independent thought. When they've been given proper modeling they do fine. Without this, they simply avoid any action. Many would rather live in denial if acceptance might impact them in the slightest way.

Example:

Someone says they're gay
Conditioned to celebrate vs Not conditioned to look at the family left in the trash

Someone cheats
Conditioned to put family first vs Not conditioned to ask if family deserves that support

Divorce
Conditioned to give lightly encouraging words vs Not conditioned to actually help out

I'm finding my rage with my ex's family has only increased with time. Who is worse, the lying cheater or the person that blindly supports them? I have a hard time with this. Hoping for peace with greater distance for myself and us all.

 

Board footera

 

Powered by Boardhost. Create a Free Forum