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August 10, 2021 5:56 pm  #31

Re: Late in Life Discovery

At first I didn't think of it, I didn't wonder if my counsellor was gay, I found out about that some time later.  

Then I did start to, but doubted myself - I thought I am seeing gay everywhere because of what has happened to me.

But you know, every person I have wondered about where there has been evidence come up, it is that they are gay and now I just accept that my experience has tuned me in - I am seeing gay everywhere because they are everywhere.  If you can bear to ponder the iceberg scenario then openly gay is just the tip isn't it.

and tho I am not really good at it - I can't always pick it by a long chalk and have been blindsided several times, mainly by women - it's more that I'm not noticing gay in denial than mislabelling straights.

As I have come to this it has also softened the blow of the lack of support I got as the straight spouse in a break up.  The closet rules.  We are all so used to not noticing the elephant in the room.  I mean when was the last time you said to someone excuse me, why are you pretending you aren't gay.  Let alone ask if she thinks it's fair to lead that bloke on.  It would be so rude wouldn't it.  shockingly so.  we are complicit with the closet because we get a serve if we step out of line with it.

painful, isn't it.  You're not supposed to talk about it - straight spouses are in pain is not an acceptable thing to say.  But my experience is I was in more and more pain and it was like stopping hitting my head against a brick wall to separate, I walk away with a sore head but it is not getting worse any more.  

I am seriously very grateful for having this time where I have got to feel what it is to be me and to experience what falling in love can feel like and now I am in lockdown and look destined for the life of a hermit and I want to dub myself the happy hermit, that will do for now.


August 10, 2021 7:47 pm  #32

Re: Late in Life Discovery

I guess all our stories are different, and we are all different, so different things will work for us in the healing process.

It wasn't any less painful, but once I knew he had come out as gay (after our divorce was final) a lot of the more sordid aspects of his abuse made more sense. It became very clear that it was him not me. Which I found very helpful.

Regarding professional treatments, recognising that a therapy or therapist isn't working for you  is, I think, a valuable step in reclaiming yourself. Making decisions like that and acting on them for myself was something I had to learn. I found it empowering to say yes and no according to my own choice alone.

Also I needed different support at different stages, from different therapists.  Early on was about surviving the shock and grief while keeping my head together to not get screwed during separation/divorce.

Later it was about abuse recovery (the unique betrayal of TGT and GID were part of that for me), now complex trauma and family of origin issues.

I've chosen to keep exploring the why of who I am to learn how to manage relationships with difficult people in a way that works for me, and to develop and nurture healthy honest relationships with good people.

It's helped me repair and improve some relationships - especially with my young adult children - and to let some go.

Its not for everyone, but finding the right practitioner and persisting in the hard work is paying off for me.

Last edited by Soaplife (August 10, 2021 8:32 pm)


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