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August 7, 2021 9:29 am  #21


Re: Late in Life Discovery

Yes, I am done. I had already told my counselor 2 days ago that our marriage was over. This new info is painful, and I don't want to and don't need to know any more. I will be contacting a lawyer Monday to determine my options and next steps. Thanks to all for your support.

 

August 7, 2021 9:31 am  #22


Re: Late in Life Discovery

Edited: Didn't see the post above. Sending you good thoughts, quiet one.


Soaplife wrote:

He's spending your retirement money on other men and this expensive freakery ...

((Hugs))

Good grief. I am so sorry about this.  This is really awful.

If you haven't already, it may be prudent to consult with a few family law attorneys to know your legal and financial rights.  This secretive spending is known as squandering of joint assets in my state. Am very glad Soaplife mentioned this.

It may increase your financial award should you divorce. Take a photo of this receipt to the attorneys you interview.

You may have discovered the tip of the iceberg. If you feel ok, look for more receipts of this kind rather than delving into the disgusting particulars. Or, you may wish to hire a forensic accountant to investigate so you don't dwell on it.

Protect your state of mind as much as you can to take informed and just actions. Please put yourself first and foremost. You deserve so much more than this.

Last edited by MJM017 (August 7, 2021 9:52 am)


No - It's not too late. It's not hopeless. Even there, there's something I can do. I just have to find the will. Ikiru (1952), film directed by Akira Kurosawa 
 

August 7, 2021 9:56 am  #23


Re: Late in Life Discovery

Thank you, MJM. I feel like I am on the outside looking at someone else's life. This is so unreal. He is out of the house this weekend, and I am so glad.

     Thread Starter
 

August 8, 2021 7:55 am  #24


Re: Late in Life Discovery

Quietone,

I have the same feeling stuck in a nightmare that i cannot wake up from.  Conversations really seem like you are speaking into the face of delusion,  everyone has been posting here about their ability to make themselves the victim, it is like reading  fiction….except it is not and the manipulation is 100% real.  Also to lie and keep lying for so many years…how do you sleep at night….my GH sleeps like a baby.  It blows my mind. 

Ohh and the tip of the iceberg…i am so tired of that as well.  I have found that the advise of observing and just thinking of your future without the stress of this is helpful.  I am working on detaching and i am trying to prepare for an exit. Why do I need to know more, i am sick to my stomach with what I already know.

I am also timing my grief, like some have mentioned here…and finding things to do to take care of me.  I hope you are doing the same and taking care of your health.

 

August 9, 2021 11:46 am  #25


Re: Late in Life Discovery

Thank you, newtotheclub. It helps so much to know I am not alone, that others have been here and are coping. I am not familiar with timing my grief--will check that out. Also working on detaching. Taking care of me is a struggle, but I keep trying every day. The one thing I have managed to be consistent with is taking a 30 minute walk first thing in the morning. Hang in there and thanks for sharing your progress with me. It gives me hope.

     Thread Starter
 

August 9, 2021 9:07 pm  #26


Re: Late in Life Discovery

The 30 minute walk in the morning is a great thing.  That's where I started.  Love it, I think it gives you a chance to think as well as being so good for you.  

Every feeling that comes up can be overwhelming and so we tend to fend them off a bit and that is necessary but what I found was that if I let them in they don't overwhelm, they come and go like a wave.  So the next thing I did, and still often do is a 30minute afternoon nap.  or longer, so who's counting!

 

Last edited by lily (August 9, 2021 9:08 pm)

 

August 10, 2021 9:34 am  #27


Re: Late in Life Discovery

Thanks, Lily. Yes, naps have been keeping me sane--strange I didn't think about that as a self-care strategy, but they certainly are. I have been exhausted, even on days when I have slept fairly well the night before, so have been thinking of naps just as a way of getting through the day. Regarding feelings, I have tamped down my emotions for so many years, I am having trouble allowing myself to experience my feelings. Working on that with my counselor. On a podcast I recently listened to, the straight spouse (wife) said she had been ground down to a "nub of a person." That is exactly how I feel. But I am also optimistic that I will regain my true self eventually when I am out of this situation. Thanks for your support.

     Thread Starter
 

August 10, 2021 10:14 am  #28


Re: Late in Life Discovery

Quiet One, sounds like you are doing all the right things.  Gentle exercise is so good.  Naps are great - this journey is exhausting.

Keep working with your counsellor; your emotions/feelings will return (it can be a bit overwhelming but counsellor will help you through it), you will learn to name them and to listen to what they are telling you and to regulate them.

We are recovering from trauma, it takes work and time. It is so worth it though. To have time and space to learn to be you again. So liberating.

Hang in there.

 

August 10, 2021 3:15 pm  #29


Re: Late in Life Discovery

look, apologies in advance but I just have to put my 2 cents in here.  I'm older, I live in Australia, I'm not a fan of counsellors.  

It wasn't just TGT that hit for me, it came on the back of some serious family trouble.  My doctor referred me for counselling.  I was grateful for this but actually when it came to it I didn't feel supported about the gay thing, (turned out the counsellor was GID, divorced) but what she did do was a professional job of counselling and I got to tell my untold story of the family trouble - I was amazed at how much good it did me to tell someone about it.

so I do understand there is a value in counselling but I also think it is entirely natural not to want to unpack your feelings with someone else like that.  It's not the same thing.  With the family trouble, I told my story I wept buckets while I did.  I came home and had a good sleep and felt lighter for sharing it.  I already knew what I was crying over.

For us straight spouses it seems to me we share in common the experience of having had our feelings so stitched up there's nothing left to read but the anxiety in the pit of your stomach.  

So there I am, back home from family, on my own sofa, don't yet know about tgt, trained counsellor who I think of as a friend is visiting and she says I should do some whatever, I can't remember what she called it but it involved the simple technique of leaning into your feeling and listening to what it has to say.  She wanted me to paint a picture for her, what colour is it, what does it look like what does it say and then she wanted to insinuate herself into the process so that she was talking to my inner feelings direct.  No thanks.  I had grasped the technique and did not need a middle man and was slightly horrified that she wanted to do it.  It is an infringement of autonomy.

Anyway, so she turned out to be gay in denial too, I didn't know that at the time either and I still thought she was a friend to me as well as my ex and by the time tgt hit I had already developed my own habit of curling up on my bed and leaning into my feelings, I do the same with any physical pains too.  

Last edited by lily (August 10, 2021 3:20 pm)

 

August 10, 2021 4:24 pm  #30


Re: Late in Life Discovery

My comments in red 

lily wrote:

........ the simple technique of leaning into your feeling and listening to what it has to say.  She wanted me to paint a picture for her, what colour is it, what does it look like what does it say and then she wanted to insinuate herself into the process so that she was talking to my inner feelings direct. This reminds me of the very first counselor I went to. She wanted me to get under a sheet (like a child in a tent I suppose) and feel & explore my emotions. I can't actually remember the exact process but thank my keen intuition....I could see this woman was not for me! LOL

Anyway, so she turned out to be gay in denial too, This is something that was always in the back of my mind whenever I had to engage with anybody to deal with the Mindfuck. Could the lawyer I saw actually be gay? the next counselor I saw...could she be?   

Elle
 


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