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July 23, 2021 5:13 pm  #1

How long did it take???

This is for all the people that did decide to separate or divorce.  I know that it is not the best approach to run as soon as the truth bomb is dropped but I am wondering how long it took those that new you would not stay to officially separate and or divorce.  How soon did you move out.


July 23, 2021 11:06 pm  #2

Re: How long did it take???

The trans revelation came at the end of August 2020.  He moved out January 2021.  Divorce is filed, a settlement reached, and should be finalized next month. 


July 24, 2021 5:53 am  #3

Re: How long did it take???

He started acting gay/feminine at the beginning of 2018,  We went to marriage counseling for 3 months later that year (therapist was a kook); in the sessions he revealed that he had a secret female identity.  We stayed together for another hellish year - 2019.   I moved out in February 2020 and we divorced in June of that year.


July 24, 2021 6:58 am  #4

Re: How long did it take???

Actually I think the faster you can make the decision to stay or go the better it is for you. This is one of the few opportunities from this entire mess that can be an advantage. You skip the Entire honeymoon phase completely. On average, this phase lasts up to a max of a couple of months (wasted time, in my opinion).

I decided to exit the marriage two days after discovery. I had to put a financial plan together to make it happen because I was the main earner and I had only recently retired. Complete U turn.

I lined up three years worth of work contracts with my former employer and I started laying each brick down to leave the marriage. I’m 20 months in, about six months away from meeting my plan at which point, I will be the one to leave the home. Gives me the control to leave when I’m ready. In six months.

Plan, plan - pull everything out, copies of financial statements, etc. People from the forum who have gone through this journey are super helpful in this area.

Good luck, put yourself first in all things from this point forward. It’s a healing act.

Take care

Last edited by longwayhome (July 24, 2021 7:00 am)

I never cease to wonder at the cruelty of this land, but it seems a time of sadness is a time to understand, is it mine, oh lord is it mine, when everything is dark ….. Roger Hodgson. 

July 24, 2021 7:51 am  #5

Re: How long did it take???

It feels to me as if you're asking several questions: did you leave immediately after disclosure/discovery, how soon did you make the decision to end the marriage, and how long did it take before you ended it. 

I knew immediately after disclosure in March 2015 that I did not want to remain married, and told my now-ex two weeks after his disclosure.  We began making plans to divorce, and for him to buy me out of the house.  I wish I had moved out immediately, out of his reach, even to temporary quarters, because he wanted to use me as his sounding board, which was confusing and painful for me, and, two months later, in May, he bamboozled me with a request for "comfort" because transition "was going to be so hard," I fell for it, comfort led to sex, sex led to hope, and a honeymoon period of a further two months, in which I engaged in a lot of dodgy sex with him that I somehow convinced myself meant he loved me, and which ended when I discovered him acting in secret to break a promise he'd made to me.  After that, although I stayed, I never fully trusted him again, and there was a continually deteriorating situation, during which I worked hard to detach, see my way forward as a single person after over three decades of marriage, consider my financial and personal resources, look for a place to live, and saw a lawyer.  I moved out in January 2018. 

In total, it was just under three years from disclosure to my moving out.  I have heard that rule of thumb not to make changes for at least a year, but because of my experience, I don't agree with it.  I agree with LongWayHome: exit as soon as possible after you know you want out.  I wish I had not allowed my habit of concern for my spouse to be used against me and remained committed to what I knew immediately I wanted.  Once you decide to leave, the time you continue to live together is fraught with danger for you.  Any honeymoon period is short-lived (in my case,two months), and you pay for it emotionally and psychologically later.  Kel (now the Executive Director of SSN) used to have a saying she used in her posts: "Run like your hair's on fire."  That's my advice.  

Last edited by OutofHisCloset (July 24, 2021 7:58 am)


July 24, 2021 9:12 am  #6

Re: How long did it take???

I think the idea of not making any decisions for a year is not always the best advice, certainly not a rule of thumb. In some cases it could lead to a year of continuing in a type of hellish nightmare. How can that be healthy? I would suggest the better advice is to not make any rash decisions, immediately or down the road. (As an example - moving out without a formal separation agreement in place, which could lead to an accusation of abandonment.) Decisions such as seeking support are very important to make immediately. Sweeping everything under a mat for a year does not help the straight spouse, in my opinion.

My personal timeline was two or three years of growing unspoken tension, disclosure, separation three months later, physical separation in month six, divorce four years later.

“The future is unwritten.”
― Joe Strummer

July 24, 2021 11:44 am  #7

Re: How long did it take???

There’s no right or wrong answer to this — just the answer that works for you.

If I could go back in time and advise myself about what to do, I would have avoided the hell that was the time between D-Day and the divorce filing.  I knew that I was not ok with a not straight wife who was having an affair with a woman, had lied to me about her sexuality, lied about the affair when I had asked her about it, and then gaslit the heck out of me after D-Day.  She had crossed several critical boundaries, and I should not have stuck around to try to “figure it out”.  I cannot overstate the hell she put me through, especially after D-Day when she was terrified about public disclosure.  I should have met with a lawyer immediately and gotten the ball rolling.  But that being said, I’m still so happy with my post-lesbian wife life.

My advice is that if you know you are done, get the ball rolling with an attorney sooner rather than later to kickstart this process and avoid additional abuse.


July 24, 2021 1:14 pm  #8

Re: How long did it take???

That rule of thumb is for major life stressors such as a divorce or death of a close loved one. Best to wait a year to have a clear head to make a major decision such as taking on a new career or adopting a child.  Discovering TGT is tough, but no match for the items above.

I'd suggest seeing a family law attorney to see what your financial and legal rights are as if you were to divorce. You have an idea of what to expect and what kind of financial award is possible. You can go right ahead with the divorce  or wait.  At least you made an informed decision.

My late ex was in the closet during our marriage. I couldn't get proof.  :-(

I wanted to divorce a lot sooner than I did. Am so glad it happened. It was the best thing that ever happened in my marriage.


Edited for clarity.

Last edited by MJM017 (July 24, 2021 1:48 pm)

No - It's not too late. It's not hopeless. Even there, there's something I can do. I just have to find the will. Ikiru (1952), film directed by Akira Kurosawa 

July 24, 2021 2:21 pm  #9

Re: How long did it take???

He began behaviours that were confusing/disturbing in October 2017, sent me an email 3-4 months later outlining his proposed plan and basically asking for my okay for him to 'play away' from home (I should have left then). After much reading about bi/straightspouse r'ships, and noting a statistic that straightspouses who stayed in the r'ship rarely stayed beyond 3 years, I made a mental cross on my Mindfuck Calendar. Several times during those 3 years I could have, hell, should have left but didn't. 
When the 3 years were up I told him I no longer wanted intimacy with him, expecting some kind of backlash. There was none. 
Because the 3 year statistic worked so well, gave me a 'point in time' to work towards...I've marked my 65th birthday (approx 18 months away) as the date my Superannuation will give me a financial buffer to ease my exit. 

A stronger, wiser, less interdependent woman would have been able to see the signs and would have left at many points in the last 10 years in fact.... but I can only see this in hindsight....and I refuse to beat myself up about it and compare myself to others in our Forum who "rip off that bandaid" (even though I see the benefit....now!)



KIA KAHA                       

July 24, 2021 2:46 pm  #10

Re: How long did it take???

Elle, we can all say things about hindsight. You chose the best path forth for you at the time and you are always reevaluating your situation, in terms of what you are getting out of it. Nothing wrong with that approach, in my opinion. You keep on doing exactly that, look after you, that’s what matters the most. Yes.

Last edited by longwayhome (July 24, 2021 2:47 pm)

I never cease to wonder at the cruelty of this land, but it seems a time of sadness is a time to understand, is it mine, oh lord is it mine, when everything is dark ….. Roger Hodgson. 

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