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July 23, 2021 11:10 am  #1


Why does he have to ruin it?

I decided almost 2 months ago, I would never speak to him again. He would not have another chance to hear my voice. Any interaction that was necessary is by email only. He "thought" maybe after some time would could communicate besides email, but why? Why do you need to communicate with me? To tell me your new transfemale transformation? No thank you!

I finally took time off work after a year and spent the last few days to relax and enjoy some "me" time.  A few days ago it was my birthday. I was "trying" to have a nice day and forget this hell hole of a mess my life has been for the past 8 months.  My family took me out for a nice dinner and I was really enjoying myself, then.....I see my phone flash.  It was an email from the "other" about my birthday.  As soon as I saw his name come across, my mood just turned to anger.

I came home to read his email and ended my birthday in tears. Why did he have to ruin it? His message was that he was thinking about me and couldn't decide if he wanted to write fearing it would make me angry or sad or put himself in a "bad" place, but didn't want the day to end without sending me a message.  Then stating he knows today isn't a "happy" day for me and he hopes I got to celebrate even though I may be "suffering" inside. Then always wishing me well no matter what. The subject line was just "Birthday" not even "Happy Birthday".

This damn email made me angry and sad. Angry that now you care to wish me well? Why didn't you think of me and wish me well during all your deceit and betrayal? Why Why didn't I matter? And it made me sad because I had to relive all this again. The deceit, the lies, the betrayl.

I was not "suffering", but trying to find a happy place to move on from this. I've been better the last 2 months, but the occasion bump in the road. 

I feel like he made "my day" about him. He's trying to wish me well from his guilt not from having geniune well wishes for me. It's a a manipulation tactic. I replied for him to leave me alone so I could find some type of happiness before I die.

Is it just me? Or are these "fake" well wishes truly for him and not for me?
 

Last edited by LostAtSea (July 23, 2021 11:17 am)

 

July 23, 2021 11:55 am  #2


Re: Why does he have to ruin it?

You matter to me, LostAtSea.

Happy Birthday!

Be well X
 


And now here is my secret, a very simple secret. It is only with the heart that one can see clearly that which is essential is invisible to the eye.
 

July 23, 2021 12:26 pm  #3


Re: Why does he have to ruin it?

He did make your day all about him.  But he's not feeling guilty, although he may be manipulating you.  I would venture to say, based on a similar experience with my trans-identified now-ex on my own birthday, that his email wasn't primarily about you at all.  (My ex sent me an email saying "Someday it will be clear what the right thing for us to do is on a birthday...but not yet," followed by some form of "I wish you well and hope you find happiness.")

   His email was his attempt to act in some fashion he believes is appropriate for his idea of how women act, a move to showcase how "kind" and "noble" he is. (My ex once left Valentine's candy in my work mailbox with a note saying he'd left it in the spirit of "kindness eases change"; the noblesse oblige was astonishing, tone-deaf, and yet unsurprising.)  And yes, it's INFURIATING!  Because if they had an iota of empathy, if they cared one bit about us and the pain they have caused us, they would understand that the kindest thing they could do, the thing we most need from them, is to LEAVE US ALONE!   His email was all about validating himself, and, I wouldn't doubt, an appeal to you to validate him, too.  The extra grr! factor is that if you don't reply, he'll still believe he's the superior one and say, "I don't know why she's so bitter!" 

Good for you for not responding.  Keep it up and after a while he'll get the clue. 

 I'm sorry he intruded on your peace and on your birthday.  

Last edited by OutofHisCloset (July 23, 2021 12:48 pm)

 

July 23, 2021 12:41 pm  #4


Re: Why does he have to ruin it?

Dear LostAtSea,

Happy Birthday, first of all!!

If there's no reason to communicate, put his address in spam. Tell him politely not to contact you any longer. No other explanation necessary.   Explanations open you up to more arguments and ways to wear you down. 

I had to do the same to my late GIDXH after the divorce. I had a few emails go into spam. I never heard from him again.

These things happen. You're doing very well in my opinion!!

Take care,
Maria


No - It's not too late. It's not hopeless. Even there, there's something I can do. I just have to find the will. Ikiru (1952), film directed by Akira Kurosawa 
 

July 23, 2021 12:51 pm  #5


Re: Why does he have to ruin it?

Well done for having a celebration for yourself and best wishes for your birthday.

Email delete - or better still block - is the only answer required. No Contact is your friend. Its the best way to stymie such Sadly typical behaviour to spoil your day in a bid for centrality.

((bday hugs))

 

July 23, 2021 1:04 pm  #6


Re: Why does he have to ruin it?

Thank you all!! It's good to know that I have ppl who understand me on my roller coaster.

Sadly, I can not block him. There are no children, but the divorce decree is not yet finalized and he's being an A@#$@#,  Looks like I'm headed back to court. He forgot one crucial detail pertaining to some stocks that he owns and thought he was being "nice" by offering me money on stocks I don't necessarily own. I didn't see it that way and it was a lopsided side deal. Due to the way the decree is written, he is in contempt of court and now he wants it amended. He has to pay lawyer fees if we go back to court, so I guess now you want to be fair or I just say "No" to everything and he can pay lawyer fees until I feel like being "fair".

Last edited by LostAtSea (July 23, 2021 1:09 pm)

     Thread Starter
 

July 23, 2021 2:04 pm  #7


Re: Why does he have to ruin it?

LostAtSea,
   Knowing you are in the middle of divorce makes me wonder if your stbx's birthday greetings are indeed his attempt to "soften you up" so he can get a better settlement.   My ex sent his birthday greetings to me at exactly the time we were divvying up property, and I have no doubt it was designed to appeal to me so I would feel well disposed to him.
  Hang in there.  This is a tough time in the process.  Having the divorce decree in hand is a big boost to your healing.

 

July 23, 2021 4:18 pm  #8


Re: Why does he have to ruin it?

Hang in there, for sure.

If you use gmail, you can create a folder just for him and reroute his email there. It will never appear in your inbox. Look at it at a comfortable interval, perhaps once a week. Prepare yourself mentally before you read them. I found that helpful to take the edge off from an unwelcome surprise.

OOHC has a great point about him buttering you up to tip the $ in his favor. In my state, the parties can change the financial settlement up to the actual divorce.  Rebuff (hard eye roll) any crybaby stories. Like Chump Lady does, put his email through your BS Translator.

You're almost there! Good luck through the homestretch.

Maria


No - It's not too late. It's not hopeless. Even there, there's something I can do. I just have to find the will. Ikiru (1952), film directed by Akira Kurosawa 
 

July 23, 2021 4:38 pm  #9


Re: Why does he have to ruin it?

A judge has signed off on the divorce settlement, however I have to wait ANOTHER 120 days for it to be official and finalized. So it's the waiting period now. Once I have that document in hand, I will feel so much better and can start moving on with my life (change back to my maiden name on all my document, etc).

The decree also allows us to go back to court to have it amended at any time. He thinks he's doing me a "favor" by giving me a side deal however I did the math and I do not see it as a deal. It is in fact lopsided and this will be for the next 5 years!  After an exchange of 4 emails later, now he tells me I'm deserving off ALL the stocks and he doesn't want any of them. How convenient that I'm now "deserving" of it and after I call you out on a lopsided deal and because now I want to go back to court?  If I deserved them to begin with, why the back and forth email? 

I'm not backing down anymore.  I told him I'm prepared to go to court and I have nothing else to lose because he selfish ruined and took everything from me. I countered his offer for a better deal or I am prepared for both parties to lose money.  I didn't count on these stocks for extra money, so I am prepared to lose it if the decree needs to be amended. 

PS. I handle contracts for a living. He has not learn that when you have a smart ex-wife, you don't stand a chance!
 

     Thread Starter
 

July 23, 2021 4:47 pm  #10


Re: Why does he have to ruin it?

Ugh.  This is what they do.  These are people who are inherently untrustworthy.  Sorry you are going through this, and happy birthday!
 

 

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