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November 13, 2016 7:39 pm  #11

Re: Bisexual Men in Straight Relationships

lily wrote:

I really really don't think you are right in saying romantic love is learned behaviour not innate.

What I'm trying to say is that the need for love is innate but the target is not hard-wired.  Same sex love is everywhere in our lives.  We are not biologically prohibited from feeling it.  What leads us to romantic love is sexual desire.  One follows the other.  When bisexual men say they desire men but don't feel a romantic draw, they have shut the possibility down in their own minds.  Not exactly out of denial, but because women are easier to connect with AND society teaches us that hetero romance is the only kind of romance possible.

If this explanation is clear, and you still disagree, I'd love to hear your counter-argument.  I've observed, listened and thought this through for a long time.  In my gut, this feels right, like the best explanation.  If I'm wrong, I'd love to be disproved.


November 13, 2016 10:41 pm  #12

Re: Bisexual Men in Straight Relationships

yes me too, Cameron, I've thought it through long and hard.  and I would like to discuss it too.

I won't beat about the bush so I hope no one is offended - this is too hard to talk about it's so complicated it's so emotional, and I just have to forget about being PC and say it as I see it.

A massive complex matrix of little switches, on or off.  switched on blue eyes, switched off, not blue eyes.

Just to make it even more complicated, there is some choice, there is change with time and circumstance in a person's life.  And a process of evolutionary change through the family generations.

When someone identifies as being bisexual, I believe them.  I believe it means they have one of the big switches, the one for same sex attraction on and lots of little ones around it switched the other way to support opposite sex attraction.

I have witnessed the ups and downs of a close friend.  One day he comes to visit and there are stars in his eyes as he talks about this girl he met.  He is convinced he could make a go of a relationship with her.  A little prodding elicits it comes on the back of falling in love like crazy for a man and being rejected.

and I just look at him.  finally he goes, oh, I know I'm gay.  and starts to heal up but we both know that for a while he was convinced he could make a go of it when actually he struggles to perform at all with a woman when it comes to it, and tends to not be able to do it at all.  no matter how much they love each other.

A bisexual who is sexually functional with a woman has I can see a lot of reason to believe he is equally attracted to both genders but it's not really like that, it isn't, I can only see that belief as a misconception.  As you put it, Cameron, and I can't put it better, "what leads us to romantic love is sexual desire.  One follows the other" and that can only happen for a bisexual man with a man not with a woman.  His ability to function sexually is not based in his love for the woman as it could be with a man.  so no romantic feelings are generated in him for the woman.

I feel so cheated by him, Cameron.  

thanks for asking.



November 14, 2016 1:46 am  #13

Re: Bisexual Men in Straight Relationships

Lily - The close friend you describe is exactly how many blind/in-denial "bisexual" men behave.  They have romantic hetero ideas in their heads, and they're very sincere about realizing those dreams, but they can't really perform.  Especially as the newness of a relationship wears off.

Your friend aside, what I *think* you're saying is that bisexual men are a product of genetic switches AND all bisexual men favor sex with a man, leaving them unable to have genuine romantic feelings for a woman.  Is that correct?

If so, I largely (but not completely) agree.  There are bisexual men out there who have successful, happy long-term relationships with women.  Billy Joe Armstrong (lead singer of Green Day) may be one.  I know a few myself.  But they're not common.  Men who are blind to themselves are far more prevalent.

As I say above, I think the very best judge of whether a man is a genuine bisexual or not is his long-term female partner.  If they feel cheated, as you do, the man was not bisexual. A true bisexual feels the magic and knows how to share it in a genuine, fulfilling way.  Saying the words, going through the motions and being self-ignorant doesn't do the job.  Women know the difference.  Most "bi" men are clueless.

     Thread Starter

November 14, 2016 5:00 pm  #14

Re: Bisexual Men in Straight Relationships

Um, yes romantic hetero ideas in their heads that are caused by an attraction to a woman.  A love attraction but not sexual desire.  nonetheless it puts the idea in their heads.  I believe that is not due to external culture but innate.

yes, correct, I do believe bisexual is the way you're born and for a man it means that you are sexually attracted to men and this is why no genuine romantic feelings for women despite the love.

To have two different sexual orientations would be like having two heads, or two sets of genitalia in visual terms.  Yes I guess it happens, odd stuff like that but it's very unusual.   Whereas there are lots of people who identify as bisexual.

I think a reason that a lot of bisexuals come out of the closet in mid life is because by that age a lot of the little switches have fallen in behind the big switch of same sex attraction.  

I do not believe in the successful happy long-term relationship between a bisexual man of any sort and a straight woman.  sorry.  been there, know it from the inside.  I made it look happy, it was 100% my happy vibe, once that was used up and it took over 20 years, that's when I discovered there was nothing coming from him.  nothing.  all he had contributed was the smugness. 

a straight woman needs a straight man who can give her 100%, the same as she is putting in.  faking it, no matter how well you do it, doesn't make it.



November 14, 2016 7:39 pm  #15

Re: Bisexual Men in Straight Relationships

lily wrote:

yes, correct, I do believe bisexual is the way you're born and for a man it means that you are sexually attracted to men..

But isn't the above just gay? I must admit I'm very confused by the way this is being described with switches and all. Isn't the medical & therapeutic world "beyond" disputing the existence of bisexuals? My understanding is that the sexual orientation continuum is very widely accepted. My personal problem is just the concern that my husband is a lot closer to the gay end of that spectrum than he realizes and/OR will admit. And where does that leave me? Even if he can and will have sex with me, I feel kind of pathetic putting myself out there for it at this point because he has avoided it for so often. I just wish I knew with certainty how he feels. I don't want to borrow trouble or throw the baby out with the bath water you know...?


November 14, 2016 9:50 pm  #16

Re: Bisexual Men in Straight Relationships

You don't have to answer this publicly but
1. Are YOU getting what you need out of this relationship?
2. If no, is he prepared to do something about that?
3. How long are you prepared to wait while he figures out if he wants to work on question #2?

To be honest, I think the "fluid spectrum" idea gets over-used to justify lousy behaviour. Maybe it exists? Maybe it's just a way to avoid using any of the LGBT words to describe yourself until you've mentally accepted it? Just my thoughts, I am nowhere near a professional.

“The future is unwritten.”
― Joe Strummer

November 15, 2016 4:59 am  #17

Re: Bisexual Men in Straight Relationships

The Kinsey scale from which the idea of fluidity came is largely discredited these days I think.  I don't know I don't care it doesn't make sense, I do know that.  sexual orientation goes one way or the other.  

Yes there are people born with one blue eye and one brown eye, but it is very rare.  It seems logical to me that two different sexual orientations in one body would have to be even more rare but bisexuality is relatively common.

So what's going on?  

What I think is happening is that as they age their emotionality becomes more tuned to their sexual orientation which is gay all along.  But their emotionality wasn't.

um, I just looked up Alfred Kinsey - he self-harmed due to having homo-erotic feelings so I'm guessing he was bisexual.    



November 15, 2016 8:23 am  #18

Re: Bisexual Men in Straight Relationships

Hello everyone!

I'm not a regular user. I came across the Forum out of curiosity about these situations.

First, I would like to express sympathy to all regarding your painful situations.
Now, I am writing to try to provide some insight, because while I'm single, I am bisexual.

There is indeed people that label themselves as bisexual but actually are homosexual. In my experience you can discern them by observing how what they say, voice range, gesticulation, what they do and how they do it. Basically body language.
I can tell you that I most definitely can enjoy sex and have a deep emotinal connection with a person, regardless if man or woman. I do not feel the same attraction or interest for Trans persons, though
I can also tell you that I personally, am more inclined to feel attraction towards the person itself, if man or woman is of little importance to me.

In my experience, the Kinsey Scale is quite accurate, you might want to check it out,

Please understand that sexuality is difficult even to heterosexuals, mainly because we live in a very sexually repressed society. It might help you deal with everything by understanding that and detach yourselves to the problem as if you were at fault. Nobody is really at fault, imagine how difficult it is for a person to accept and fully understand itself, but do try to have and open and direct channel or communication, it might be the key.

If there is anything else, do not hesitate to contact... I'll do as best as I can to help.


November 15, 2016 9:08 am  #19

Re: Bisexual Men in Straight Relationships


My husband first identified himself as bisexual before we got married. He confessed to having affairs with men. But he told he loved me and wanted to start a family. I was 22, young and in love and mayhap convinced myself that love conquers all so I went ahead and married him. Fast forward to almost 20 years of marriage, illicit affairs, craisglist hook-ups, blow jobs in public restrooms later, he confesses that he's gay.

So I tend to believe that bisexuality is just a lay-over to gay town. He could not admit it to himself and the world that he's gay, he just saw it as having sex but not emotional connections with men.  I was just in deep denial that I could make the relationship work that I could spackle over the lies, the cheating, and betrayal. It was exhausting. My divorce becomes final next month. No more agony and heartbreak, I feel free. So to women out there I say there is no such thing as bisexuality, the gay will eventually prevail. Spare yourself the pain and get out early.

This forum has helped me greatly over the past year in dealing with this situation and finally making the decision to end my marriage. I am still dealing with the aftermath and the newness of divorce and shared custody. I am still raw but believe that getting out of the marriage was the best thing I did for my mental and physical health. It was not easy and the kids (I have three, two teen agers and last one in 4th grade) are also dealing with the separation from their dad. We are all trying to be amicable and make this work. But getting out was necessary. 


November 15, 2016 1:53 pm  #20

Re: Bisexual Men in Straight Relationships

Hi Gus, you sound just like my bisexual friend did when he was young.  He would insist it didn't matter what sex they were, it was the person he fell in love with.  

do you find you tend to go from man to woman to man to woman?  

he still fully identifies as bisexual but he knows he is gay because eventually he realised that it was Brad Pitt he fantasised about. 


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