Rob wrote:

What I found though is trust is quite relative...for myself anyway what I found is my GX was so morally broken..most people I meet are of better morality and quality then her. Lots of good people in the world as this forum proves..no need to worry about that now.

Im sorry to hear that but this really isnt my case, im the morally broken one. My ex came into my life as a bi person who helped me rebuild myself from future felon to future director at a great job. I watched her struggle with her CompHet for over a decade with me...I know neither me or her want us to be here. She never cheated, never hurt me on purpose. Im not gonna hold this against her...more or so against how she was raised. And again, im sorry we cant relate on this.  This may be her fault for refusing to ever explore any part of her due to fear and i am very upset at that...but i wont pretend shes morally corrupt or somehow a bad person, im sorry.
 

I wish I knew how to cope with pain in ways other than self destruction. I have to wait atleast 1 month before going to visit my only 2 friends. I have to live for 1 more month here with my ex, and it hurts so bad. I really dont know if I have that much time in me...I really dont think I do. But I dont have any other options. I hope I make it...I hope I do, but...i dont know.

Hi SSW,

I've called the suicide prevention line before during my divorce. It's a peer-run agency. The counselors are really good at making you feel better during very down times. They won't turn you in, report you or call 911 behind your back.. It's all anonymous.

You said you planned to call a psychiatrist for med management. Follow through on that. I have one and he has referred me to a few good people. He's referred me to some duds, too.  I've seen psychiatry residents at a local medical school. They were fantastic. They know the latest therapies and meds. You may have a med school within driving distance.

Don't despair. You've come a long way getting support but it was you who did the hard work. You won't fall back.

Relationships end all the time. I'm sorry this one ended. It really hurts. It wasn't meant to be. Would suggest holding off on any dating, etc, until you get the support you need to get over this breakup.

Keep writing here when you want and need. We've been in your shoes.

Ellexoh_nz wrote:

SickSadWeeb wrote:

I wish I knew how to cope with pain in ways other than self destruction. I have to wait atleast 1 month before going to visit my only 2 friends. I have to live for 1 more month here with my ex, and it hurts so bad. I really dont know if I have that much time in me...I really dont think I do. But I dont have any other options. I hope I make it...I hope I do, but...i dont know.

You can make it. You have the number to call, you have the Forum to unload on. This is a very specific time in your life to prove to yourself you have the inner strength to withstand the emotions that you think are going to overwhelm you. The change in you has to come from you though. And it's a realisation that actually the recovery from this, your healing as a person is more important than drowning in the hurt you feel. 
When my 40 yo son had lost his home, out of touch with his partner and girls, living in a city park in a cold Australian winter and had nobody but his family in NZ trying to keep his spirits up...he told me he'd thought of "necking himself" twice (I didn't ask what that means, I wouldn't even urban dictionary it, I know that he wanted to finally feel nothing). But I like to think that our constant communication with him, at all times of the day or night.... helped him draw from the resilience he had at his core. Suicide stops you from realising your potential as a human being. Let's help you over these speedbumps, these potholes in the road.
 
Can either of your 2 friends come to visit you? Do either of them know how bad you're feeling at the moment? 

Elle

 

Unfortunately they cant, its already been discussed. I dont blame them they have families jobs and a real life outside of the friend whose breaking down. And they know its bad...but not this bad. I keep promising them I wont kill myself and that I will make to my vacation to see them. But I cant tell anyone how close I am to killing myself...it would just make them worry more. And I hopefully wont so why do that to them, i've called the hotline prior times in my life and just end up hanging up I feel like theyre trying to find my location to send me to a mental hospital and im not going there. Ever. 

Im so tired of proving my mental strength, ive been doing since i was 9 years old. Its exhausting and I just want a break. Sorry, I dont mean to like yell or argue with you, im just responding. 
 

SickSadWeeb wrote:

.....Im so tired of proving my mental strength, ive been doing since i was 9 years old. Its exhausting and I just want a break. Sorry, I dont mean to like yell or argue with you, im just responding...

I didn't think you were yelling. Youi'd be typing in caps if you were yelling right?  

If you have known that you've been feeling hopeless/helpless since 9 yo.....fuck really? that's so young!.....and you're mid-30s now? that is some powerful self-awareness you must have. Do you talk to yourself internally all the time...be your own counselor as it were because you don't want to 'bother' anybody with your troubles? Been there done that. I often thought my own self-analysis was way better than anybody else'

Elle