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July 9, 2021 2:07 am  #1


David Yurman necklace gift from male coworker

Hi all! Newbie here. Could I get your insights?  Married 10yrs w/ kids- Am I his beard?
I think I'm in the discard phase of a narc marriage- Emboldened rage,  (punching holes in wall, throwing chair) contempt, and cruel language towards me after he returned from birthday trip to Jamaica w/ his brothers.) I'm highly suspicious though if his sexuality has been what's at play all this time. How should I interpret these red flags?Red Flags include: 1. He's received 4 gifts from "a male coworker": a David Yurman amulet and dagger necklace (over $5K in price), expensive MontBlanc pens, $200 candle, a night to a boxing match.  I have such a strong weird feeling about that necklace.  He denied thinking anything was wrong to accept such gifts and said he wasn't bothered. Is this DY necklace known for anything in the gay community or some type of code gift meaning something?

2.   His walk and certain hand movements (I hope it's not offensive to say this- Just it was a major thing I noticed and now learning others did too)3.  I'd expressed pain on penetration early in marriage, but he rarely has complained  that "he cant go in"
3. But when we do, Still cannot find his way to my vagina....like cant find my vagina w/out me guiding him there w/ my hand (insert here)
3. Prefers "tight" fit of anal penetration
3. Originally HATED doing oral on me...like HATED it....since top of year thats all he will do to me now. and increased when he came back from jamaica until I stopped him..But quickly gets up to rinse mouth (even though I bathe prior to the act)4. Never gets jealous when other men look at me or come to close...he says its sweet5. Engages eye contact and ever so slight nod when gay man look at him
6. he openly tells me when gay men look at him; never expresses discomfort with it
7. Randomly inserts gay rights topics in conversation (was the most when living next to lesbian couple...though he never got to know them)
8. Extreme fawning behavior to his mother. She didn't show same type of affection to us vs. his other siblings. Only came to visit when I had a baby. Rarely called to speak to them. [ Our culture is extremely homophobic...recently wondered if mom knows he's gay and thats why she treats us this way?]  
9. Biggest complaint w/ him is the lack of emotional connection. We've had some good times, but is resistant to give hugs when I ask, his eyes look through me during these times.
10. Closes eyes in sex...on rare occasion (like 2-3x over years), he cries or looks past me to ceiling
11. Had this out of nowhere fear our son would be gay when he was born... he blamed it on the city we lived in 
I still feel shocked in a way. He was my first. How am I just putting all this together after 10yrs in marriage? Anything to this David Yurman necklace?
Am I his beard? 
For the closeted gay men who cheated, did you increase in angry behavior at home after being w/ a man?

Thanks again and happy to have found this space!

 

July 9, 2021 4:35 am  #2


Re: David Yurman necklace gift from male coworker

Good morning Lavender,

I would like to extend to you a combined warm welcome and deep sadness that you find yourself here. I can tell you from what you have described, that you are indeed a “beard” I’m afraid. As a heterosexual man I would not under any circumstances purchase jewellery for a “friend”. Tickets to sporting events would be OK, but the value and meaning of the act of jewellery giving is more important than any implied meaning in the object itself. The same sex attraction that your husband has is becoming increasingly difficult for him to repress, and this repression is felt by you in his anger mainly when he interacts with you. He does not want to be with you, and is essentially blaming you for this fact. His life would be so much better if you were a man. Emotionally immature people are more prone to throwing fits of anger when faced with situations that they are not emotionally equipped to deal with. It sounds as though he has grown up in an environment were homosexuality was regarded negatively, and this has become his self image. 
 The issues you are having sexually are perfectly normal in what is a marriage to a gay man. I think I would find it difficult to prefer anal over conventional sex with a female partner I was emotionally bonded to. But, that might be just me I guess. The hand gestures and eye contact you describe is your “gaydar” pinging that this partner is not sexually compatible. I will leave it to those who have, or are recovering from this situation to provide their honest advice on how you should go about exiting this relationship. You will both have to exit the relationship as these things will only get worse. Please read and digest the advice that is surely to come your way from those who have lived this nightmare. Please know that you are most definitely not alone. X


And now here is my secret, a very simple secret. It is only with the heart that one can see clearly that which is essential is invisible to the eye.
 

July 9, 2021 7:27 am  #3


Re: David Yurman necklace gift from male coworker

Hi Lavender, 
I am so sorry for what you're going through.  This site was a Godsend to me two years ago when I was going through the worst of the discovery of my GID/crossdressing husband.  

In my opinion, the gifts to your husband are the biggest sign that something is awry. I worked for 45+ years and no one in my workplace ever gave me a lavish gift.  If the gifting co-worker has a manager/subordinate work relationship with your husband, either or both of them could lose their jobs.  

The other signs you describe may or may not be gay-related.  However, I saw several of them in my now-ex:  Couldn't find his way to my vagina, didn't want oral sex either way, and walked and sat with stereotypical gay mannerisms.  

I am troubled for you when you described his anger and rage.  Please be very careful.  

 

 

July 9, 2021 10:12 am  #4


Re: David Yurman necklace gift from male coworker

Lavender, Welcome, I’m so very sorry you had to find us, but if you are living with a man in denial of his sexuality you’ve found the best possible forum right here, in my opinion.

I would strongly urge you to read the First Aid thread, under the General Discussion section of this forum.

Based on everything you have written in you post, I’m concerned for you. I think I can offer some guidance for you but that’s all it is.

You must be ready emotionally and physically to follow that advice, if this turns south on you. You yourself mentioned the discard phase. So I am very much responding taking this comment into consideration. It’s a significant phase,  one you can get caught up in over and over again, if you aren’t aware and cautious.

I am also responding from a safety aspect for all concerned because sometimes they can escalate quickly.

I would think the first thing you need to do is regain a level of safety for yourself.

You cannot tell me that this type of behaviour is not scary to you, at the very least unsettling, intimidating?? You also indicate you have kids. Remember they also see those holes in the wall, perhaps they didn’t see/hear anything else.

It is not acceptable for anyone to demonstrate their frustration and/or anger by punching walls or doors. If he cannot control his own anger then you need some controls in place. For everyone’s safety. 

Every abuse specialist will tell you, someone punching holes in walls in this manner, it is their way of controlling you. They are more or less telling you, this could be you (wall/door). That is the real true take away message they want you to take from this action 

The sooner you find an effective way to stop the escalation of his moods/anger the better and safer. Take it seriously. This type of act is not a good sign. It often is a sign of possible escalation.

It’s good that you have identified it, now you need to take some action to show him that you will not allow this to escalate. That’s what needs to occur. Do not tolerate the punching of walls. He needs to see a therapist if what can’t manage it. That’s step one. He won’t. That’s why it will fall to you.

In terms of him not being able to find your vagina, it’s not that he cant find it, he doesn’t want to find it and he doesn’t really want to touch it either. Sorry, but in my opinion, a straight man would have no such problem in bed with you. Sex between the two of you is suppose to be fun, exciting, fulfilling, he doesn’t appear to be able to even set the proper stage/atmosphere for it.

In my experience, men don’t buy each other expensive gifts and if ever there was such a gift given, you , as the wife would understand the reasoning behind that gift. That you do not understand this reasoning, is not a good sign.   

I believe your instincts have been activated. There is a reason for this. It’s your survival system recognizing possible danger. Trust your instincts in all situations, it’s what I did and for the vast majority of time it has served me well. However, instinct alone was nowhere near enough to give me the tools and the understanding of what I was truly up against.

Below you will find resources that I have found to be valuable in my own journey, I hope they can serve you as well as they have served me to date.

Most are mental health specialist or people who have helped with the collateral damage these relationships can leave behind.

Boundaries - btr.org (education menu, loads of good help, multiple topics);
Terry Cole - YouTube, I thought the therapist a bit superficial at first, but she is spot on. She gives you excercises to help you build your boundary making abilities. I needed help here. It worked well.
Lundy Bancroft Author; Abuser types and this guy knows the custody battles. Google him 
Narcissism: YouTube: Dr Ramani, if you listen and do nothing else, you need to listen to her. I truly don’t know what I would have done without this help. Follow her advice and you won’t go wrong. I promise.
You will also find the doctor on medcircle.com and YouTube. Exercises are provided here too.

The last but certainly not the least, it’s the most important one of all because without it, you will accomplish nothing. Manage your emotions, you have to find a way to release them,  all of them. if you have been vulnerable in sharing anything, all of that will be used against you. If you have something that hurt you in your life. Hold tight, nothing is off limits.

Does he watch porn?

Please take care of you and the kids first and foremost. Post here as much as you need.


I can almost see it, That dream I'm dreaming...There's always gonna be another mountain, I'm always gonna wanna make it move...The Climb - Miley Cyrus
 

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