Sean, I think one of the big differences in MOMs is where there is a straight spouse involved, the dynamic is so different with an open vulnerable straight than when neither partner is straight and both of you are being deceptive. 

There's that extra level of sociopathy with people like my ex - I'm pretty certain he liked taunting his boyfriends just as much as he liked taunting me.

oh yes to add isn't that a lot of reads I think it is testament to all the effort you have made to help us straights.

thanks, Sean.

Last edited by lily (March 12, 2025 8:22 am)

Hi everyone, I'm really glad I found this forum and you, Sean. I have a question, and I’d love to hear your perspective, as well as input from others. I won’t go into my full story here—I'll save that for another post.My question is: If a married man has been using gay dating apps for five years and admits to sleeping with four men but insists that he is not gay, what do you think? He says he didn’t enjoy those encounters, that he sometimes showed up for dates but left without doing anything, and his explanations are often vague.

 To me, five years seems like a pattern—it's hard to believe that someone would repeatedly engage in something they don’t actually enjoy.Now, he is asking for forgiveness and promises never to do it again. If I were to even consider forgiving him (which feels extremely difficult), I need to understand—does this sound like deception to you? He has lied a lot in the past, so I don’t know what to believe.I’d really appreciate any honest thoughts or insights.

Hi Sean, I agree with everything you said in the previous post, as always a very clear and sobering message, my friend.

However, I can't walk past your "he will probably claim abuse" comment. It sounded like you are encouraging to outright dismiss those claims.

I think we all need to remember that if a person is claiming sexual abuse in childhood, it should be taken seriously, and they have to go into therapy. I agree, there's enough information on the internet for anyone to contruct a plausible story of how early sexual abuse led them to compulsive same-sex behaviors, but we can't be throwing the baby out with the bathwater.

My husband experienced sexual abuse from a male perpetrator (a doctor) when he was ten. It became one of the main factors that suppressed (rather than caused) his desire to pursue men in adolescence and later in life. He lost all trust in men and is only now beginning to rebuild it (with lots of therapy). Just saying, these things can get complicated and probably best to leave them to the professionals rather than a forum advice.

Last edited by Alex1984 (April 5, 2025 4:33 pm)

Hi Sean,

I was just thinking we don't want to lose your presence here - you have helped so many people - and it occurred to me I could make a post and bring your thread up to the front page again.

So it was very nice to see your post in the mom section.  Hope you are well.all the best, Lily

Hi Sean; 

I listened to your sessions on the Our Voices with Kristin which were fantastic (very insightful), and am working through your feedback on this platform. I have a question you if you are able to answer - but some context first. I figured out by accident end July, 2025 that my husband was sleeping with men, and that it had been for some time. He's 58 and I'm 63, We've been married for 30 years together for 34, and have one 27 year old daughter. We have not had an intimate relationship for quite a number of years, but have overall had a pretty decent marriage. We were best friends for a number of years before we started dating and got married, and I think that friendship and getting along well gave us a good foundation for many years. We recently relocated back to the US after living overseas for 15 years (which was great fun), moving back cuz he was adamant to return home after COVID. And as time past, he became really closed down and distant. I was feeling increasingly unhappy and isolated, and decided finally to confront him about whether our marriage was going to make it, and shared that I'd found evidence a few weeks before that that he was sleeping with men.  Long story short, in an absolutely panicked state, he confessed he was gay, that he hadn't planned to tell me yet. He thought he'd loose everything, everyone, that our marriage would be over etc. He confessed he'd hope I'd figure out, that he was afraid to tell me. Fast forward 5 months, He is still sleeping with and out seeing men, but trying to be "discrete". We are still living together, and do things socially together and with friends periodically. He says that our family and our relationship really matter to him and he wants us to stay close and connected even if in a redefined way. I suggested a few months ago, we rent another apt nearby, which we have done starting Jan 1, and that he move out over coming months. We are in process of moving things from our out-of -state storage from when we lived overseas, and other extra stuff we have and setting things up so he can move there. He wants us to stay married for at least a year and not change much, and be able to spend a lot of time together still. He talked about an open marriage initially, but the reality is he is already doing what he wants, and I have no interest in sleeping around or exploring another relationship till this chapter is closed. Open marriage works for some people, but its not my thing. Also don't think he's following the true definition of an open marriage anyway, as both parties typically set up and agree to the rules together, and although he says he would, in reality, he's not interested in setting boundaries.

So my question is: Why would a later in life man who has come out, really want to hold on to both lives at the same time?  It's makes me feel really confused, and feels like it just prolongs the inevitable. He tells me he'll never find someone like me, that he'll always be there for me, in this redefined relationship. And he says he not looking to run away from this family. And in the same breath, he admits he doesn't want boundaries, and says he doesn't know if he wants to just go out with men, or be in a committed relationship with a man. 

I think we need to move him out as planned, and not only be separated but likely pursue a divorce sooner rather than later, even if the plan he wants is to stay close. I feel like my life is in limbo right now, and this life suites him, but I'm just sad and trying to keep things smooth as we work this out. I've always been the one who keeps everything working. He comes home to a friendly apt. We go out with our couple friends from time to time who don't know what's going on. And he gets to go out periodically too when he wants. Its not a lot or often in the evenings, but I know hook ups happen in the daytime as well. 

Feeling sad, a little lost and confused, but also thinking maybe its just time to move on. Thanks in advance for any thoughts.