Thank you for writing Alex. In response to your latest post: 

1. A bit about my background to paint the picture of where I started in my journey. I grew up in Europe with liberal views on LGBTQ+, I would have NEVER considered myself homophobic and have always supported gay rights. Thinking back, however, I was probably more homophobic than I thought. I always felt uncomfortable (and maybe still do in some situations) seeing two people of the same sex kiss and have never watched gay porn. When I first saw my husband's "collection", [of gay porn] I was shocked and thought it was utterly disgusting. Yet also weirdly, I found it arousing. It's actually a normal reaction of our brain, but it can feel very disorientating.

Thank you for your honesty. 

2. In the last four months all I did was trying to UNDERSTAND. Understand him, but also the wider gay/bi community. And ultimately, understand why the Universe has sent me this trial and what I needed to learn from it. I had endless conversations with my husband trying to understand the nature and history of his same-sex attraction, spent several hours on my personal counseling, and read multiple books and online resources. I started following a cute gay married couple on YouTube. I watched gay porn.

He's lucky to have you! Question: what has he done to work on himself and your relationship? 

3. My husband and I went to a few gay bars and explored Grndr together. And, yes, we also had a threesome with a bi guy, on which I insisted as I felt it was an important part of my exploration, as well as his. He didn't mind.

Question: what was his reaction to having sex with another man? Most straight spouses I've exchanged with over the years are SHOCKED at how turned on their husbands are when interacting sexually with another man. Their self-proclaimed "curious" husbands often demonstrate a level of experience and enthusiasm that confirms he's done much more than just watch gay porn online. Was this your experience? 

4. It's important to note, that while all of the above experiences provided a lot of new information, they were also quite overwhelming and unsettling at times (reading this forum was probably top of the list). It was critically important to be able to make sense of them - for me it was counseling and almost daily meditation. While this has been a rollercoaster, I feel like I am in a much better space right now.

Good for you. Again he's very lucky to have such an open-minded wife. 

5. I have accepted my husband's same-sex attraction and it doesn't provoke a negative reaction in me anymore. Weirdly, again, I am curious about it. It even started to feel somewhat arousing thinking about him with another guy. Don't ask me how it works, but it just does.

Your body, your sexuality, your marriage = your choice my friend. 

6. In terms of our relationship, it feels very strong. He says he has no desire or intention to hookup with guys on his own. He also says that if he ever feels a romantic connection he would never act on it, unless I was fully onboard.

Understood. Question: does he want to have future threesomes (male + male + female) and/or perhaps explore polyamory? The tipping point in most gay/straight relationships happens when the closeted/questioning husband refuses to have sex with his long-neglected wife, then suddenly demands permission to cheat while rationalizing this is necessary to save the marriage. 

7. I know that when/if he sees or touches a guy in a sexual context, it doesn't change him, or us, or our relationship. The threesome has really demystified this for me. The fact that he likes guys doesn't take anything away from our relationship. He still wants me - sexually, romantically and as a partner. In fact, he probably now wants me more.

Good! 

8. I know we are still early days and in the post-disclosure "honeymoon period", but so far so good and I will keep posting my updates here. Stay strong!

Caution: in my experience, marriage is more of a marathon than a sprint. I agree that you might be in the post-disclosure/threesome "honeymoon" phase. Often the real relationship challenges present themselves 4-6 months following discovery/disclosure of his attraction to men. If, however, you and your husband can integrate his attraction to men in a way that brings you closer and satisfies you both sexually, then enjoy! Sadly, most straight spouses are married to husbands who have little to no sexual attraction to his wife (her). Unlike you, a threesome with another man sometimes does very little to improve their troubled marriage. The threesome is more like opening a pink Pandora's box after which the formerly closeted husband starts brazenly cheating on her with men. So what's my point? You have gone above and beyond to help your husband. I hope he's putting in as much or more effort to support you and your marriage. I also hope that things work out between the two of you. Be well! 

Hi Sean

Answers to your questions:

Q: what has he done to work on himself and your relationship?
A:Weekly therapy, countless conversations with me, true and honest reflections, being open to new experiences. He has also pushed his therapist to switch from individual to couple's counseling for us. His words were "why the f*ck would I want to be enlightened and self-aware about my sexuality without you?". I think there are still some defense mechanisms and internalised homophobia at play, but he is breaking through them ruthlessly. He is also always there to support me when I have my own little breakdowns.

Q: what was his reaction to having sex with another man?
A: Not too wild, in my view, but it is very subjective. Two women could look at identical behaviors and give completely opposite assessments. I trust him when he says he's never been with a guy. I don't however think it is necessarily telling much about his sexuality. The guy wasn't fully his type. His type is a bit of a unicorn, Abercrombie & Fitch catalog type (what's up with that, by the way, being so picky/specific?? He is not as specific with women he likes)

Q: does he want to have future threesomes (male + male + female) and/or perhaps explore polyamory?
A: His answer to that is "too much admin", but I think this may change if/when an opportunity presents itself,  we'll see. He doesn't want an open relationship as he is worried I might find someone better/less complicated. I mean, he'd be hard to replace, but his concern is probably somewhat valid. Women are wired differently. In an open relationship, he'd be attracted/looking for young and muscular (and probably narcissistic), while I'd be attracted to smart,  balanced and successful. This can get into a danger zone for any relationship.

Just in case, my original post in the MoM section is here: https://straightspouse.boardhost.com/viewtopic_mobile.php?id=3596

Last edited by Alex1984 (March 27, 2024 8:02 pm)

Hi Sean

I appreciate your interest in our sexual encounter, but let's keep the juicy details out of the public eye. I'll DM you ;)

Still interested to hear your thought on being very fussy/particular on the "type" of a guy.

Don't get me wrong, I definitely like his type, too! Who wouldn't like an Abercrombie & Fitch model?? I just find this frustratingly limited, and almost a defense mechanisms on its own.. just can't figure out what is it a defense against and why

Unauthorised hook-up or in fact any failure to disclose a sexual behaviour (e.g. deleted messages on Grindr or a flirty exchange at work) at this stage would be the end of our relationship and I made it VERY clear to him. I know this maybe a bit too controlling, but for now it is what I need. After all, he broke my trust by not dislosing (or at least grossly underplaying) same-sex attraction when we got together and the gay port watching during our relationship, so I think I need him to "over-disclose" for a while to rebuild the trust.

Last edited by Alex1984 (March 28, 2024 8:28 pm)

Hey Sean

In reply:
Your husband will promise to stop but (believe me) will not stop watching gay porn

He actually has. And I know how to check browser history at WiFi level, so he couldn't have deleted it. It's been 4 months. And I didn't really ask for it. I never viewed porn as a problematic behaviour, so why should I view gay porn as one, right? Particularly knowing he is gay/bisexual, porn seems like the morst benign outlet for his same-sex attraction. He wanted to stop entirely "cold turkey" as he thought it started to become a compulsive addiction. We decided we'll take a year off porn (gay or otherwise) and then consider reintroducing it - either individually or together.

I have done a similar list, but for me it all boils down to disclosure. I am even ok with a spontaneous (i.e. not pre-approved) action, like flirting or even a hookup, as long as it is followed by an immediate disclosure. He needs to be more spontaneous in general.

Now, I view this as a transitional "exploration" phase. I don't want him spontaneously/randomly hooking up in the long-term, but for now I think he needs to test the waters.

I am now meeting/chatting to many bi/fluid guys, I often hear stories like "yeah, I tried men for a while, but then decided it wasn't really my thing". I think it's possible that the same can happen for my husband. Or it won't. He might "try men for a while" and decide that it is absolutely 100% his thing. This will LIKELY lead to divorce, but not an immediate one. And I don't want to put "if you find out you like men more than women, I will divorce you" on the list of rules - as he will simply not allow himself to explore and it will just be pushing the problem deeper underground.

Oh, and also wanted to address your individual vs couple's counseling comment.

Yes, we are both continuing with individual therapy, as well as couple's therapy. The reason I also wanted to see his therapist as a couple is actually exactly that I felt I was expected to support him too much. I felt that he was working with his counselor, and I was just expected to "roll with it": be patient and wait when  he needed it and then rapidly catch-up when he'd made a discovery. At the time, I didn't really address this with my husband, but rather with my own therapist. It kicked off the process of emotional separation (which is what you would expect from the individual therapy). My husband then in turn felt that I was starting to distance and needless to say he didn't like it. We talked about it and that's when he said "why the f*ck I need all this without you". It's early days and I can see how the therapist will still insist on wrapping more support around my husband than me, but at least now I have a say and can push back.