You are about the same age I was 20 years ago when I first started questioning my husband’s sexuality. 20 years later, I still don’t know his truth. Is your life with him good enough to overlook a lack of intimacy for the rest of your life??

Thank you everyone for sharing. In response to MireP: 

1. Hello, I'm new and I would like to tell you my story in case you can help me...We met at the age of 30, we got married and had a son... now we are both 43 years old. Can you help me understand if he is gay?

I'm so sorry you've found yourself here. I'll try my best to help. 

2. When we met, he explained to me that he was abused at the age of 15 (his 18-year-old cousin).

I'm assuming a male cousin but please feel free to confirm. As I've shared in countless former posts, there are two possibilities here:

Possibility 1: He's telling the truth. 
Possibility 2: He's lying. 

It's common for gay-in-denial-husbands (GIDHs) to claim that sexual abuse and sexual assault "made me gay." And a large chunk of the internet is dedicated to theories such as "trauma reinactment" to justify why men have sex with men. So what's my point? If your husband has a history of lying, particularly lying about his sexuality, then I would gage his claim accordingly. The truth to "I was abused/assaulted" is often somewhere in between; meaning that he likely had a consensual first sexual experience with the same sex and yet now describes it as non-consensual to continue denying his attraction to men. I've discussed this several times in "Our Path" podcast interviews. While sexual abuse, and particularly childhood sexual abuse, do occur and are barbaric, the truth gets fuzzy with closeted/questioning men. Some other common versions of this narrative are: 

His version: I got drunk in college and my (male) roommate sexually assaulted me. 
The truth: I got drunk in college and hooked up with my male roommate; only to regret it the next day. 

His version: I was sexually assuaulted by two men in a park. 
The truth: I hung around a gay cruising park for hours, nervously looking for sex. Later, I hooked up with two men, only to regret it the next day.  

3. We haven't had sex for 4 years, no kisses, no hugs... nothing...When we didn't have my son we could spend 5 days in a hotel and not have sex because he said he didn't like the hotel...

A lack of sex is the biggest red flag in gay/straight marriages. And why? Gay men simply aren't interested in sex with women. Most gay/straight marriages are largely sexless from the beginning. 

4. In many of the times that we have had sex it did not reach the end (it did not run). 

Again, another red flag. 

5. I sometimes look at his mobile and find gay porn in his history... which he always ends up deleting...

More red flags. The closeted husband will often claim he was just "curious", however, no one looks in the bakery window for years without eventually eating a cookie. So I think it's safe to assume that if you haven't had sex in four years and he's on gay porn, he's likely cheating on you with men. What are the signs that a husband is cheating: 

- Body shaving.
- New look: clothes; hair; glasses; and particularly underwear. 
- An obsessive interest in fitness...to be "gay ready." 

6. Do you think these signs are enough to know that he's gay? I've never asked him or talked to him... I've told him that we don't have sex and he tells me that it's because of his sexual abuse that he had a very bad time... .

While I don't have a lot of information, these are indeed the classic signs of a closeted/questioning husband.

7. He has always treated me very well...he doesn't talk bad to me or yell, he always has gifts for me...but I think he sees me as a friend...but we don't trust either...I have read stories here and I think we are all the same... I just wanted to know your opinion...thank you!

Straight couples frequently split because they are no longer having sex. Based on your post, your husband: 

- Has admitted to having sex with a (male) older cousin. 
- No longer has sex with you. 
- Watches gay porn. 

It's up to each of us to determine if a friend-like, companionate marriage is enough. If, however, you want to be with a man who is sexually attracted to you, I doubt your current husband will ever be that man. I hope that helps. 

If any straight spouses have questions for a gay ex-husband, please feel free to post them here. Be well! 

Last edited by Sean01 (May 11, 2023 7:04 am)

Thank you for your answers, they are very helpful to me.
I'm lost and I don't know how I should act, and what you have told me is going to help me...
I know I can hurt him by separating... but I think right now I'm hurting myself by being with him...
I also have to say that my husband is always with his work partner, who is a married boy with two daughters. They spend all day together, and when he gets home they don't stop texting each other... on weekends too. I think they have something for a long time... at their job everyone says they have an affair

Pride is a very difficult month for straight spouses...and straight ex-spouses. It's a time of mixed emotions. For gay people like me, Pride is a celebration of my sexuality, my journey, and authenticity. Sadly, there aren't any parades for the spouse I abandoned. For many straight spouses like my ex-wife Pride can feel as wrong as a marching band at a funeral. While my coming out felt like a rebirth, to my ex-wife it signalled a death: the death of our marriage and the total loss of a promised life together. This is something I discussed during a recent podcast interview (link here). If any straight spouses have questions for a gay ex-husband, please feel free to post below. 

Sean01 wrote:

Pride is a very difficult month for straight spouses...and straight ex-spouses. It's a time of mixed emotions. For gay people like me, Pride is a celebration of my sexuality, my journey, and authenticity. Sadly, there aren't any parades for the spouse I abandoned. For many straight spouses like my ex-wife Pride can feel as wrong as a marching band at a funeral. While my coming out felt like a rebirth, to my ex-wife it signalled a death: the death of our marriage and the total loss of a promised life together. This is something I discussed during a recent podcast interview (link here). If any straight spouses have questions for a gay ex-husband, please feel free to post below. 

Sean, thank you so much for acknowledging this. As much as I do want to support the community (and have wholeheartedly in the past), right now, I just can't. It hurts too much this year. I know it's an important celebration - heck, if everyone had just been able to be authentic and proud for all these years, many of us straight spouses would not be in the situation we're in. Here's hoping for a world in which we can all live our truth out and proud, from a very young age.