My husband has revealed that he is bi or gay, but wants to stay in our marriage and has promised not to seek out sex with a man again (even though he wants to do so).   I think that I've convinced myself that the only way that our mixed orientation marriage will work is if we're open & honest with each other & if we have lots of sex with each other - am I wrong?   

Last edited by M-Kate (June 6, 2023 4:37 pm)

Thank you for writing M-Kate. There wasn't a lot of detail in your post so I'm taking the liberty of responding to your first post. Here goes: 

1. My husband and I have been married for 29 years.  About 6 weeks ago he revealed that he is bisexual.   He told me because he expected that I would find out through someone who was blackmailing him.   He was trying to set up interactive gay porn on his phone and was hacked.   In total he gave the blackmailer and the private detective that he hired over $15,000.   

Wow. I'm so sorry he put you through all of this. You deserve better. 

2. During our conversation he told me that he was probably addicted to porn, was very interested in having anal sex performed on him, he would like to give and receive oral sex with a man and would love to have a threesome if I would be interested.   In addition, he admitted that if he hadn’t gotten caught because of the blackmailer, he would have tried to hook up with a man to explore this part of his sexuality.   Hearing all of this totally blindsided me.

Again, I'm so very sorry he blindsided you my friend. You deserve so much better. Even under duress, most closeted husbands minimize, lie, and evade. With this in mind, I'm going to rewrite the above based on my own journey and based on many years of exchanges here: 

"During our conversation he told me that he was addicted to gay porn, has had anal sex with men for years, and enjoys giving/receiving oral sex with a man. In addition, he admitted that he'd he'd exchanged naked videos and photos with his blackmailer. He's been cheating with men for years." 

Based on my experience, I believe the above is a more accurate version of events. 

3. This led to me asking him about his past experiences.   He said that he went to a few gay bars in college but never did anything.   

Lie. If my calculations are correct, your husband was going to gay bars at the height of the AIDS crisis. Again if my timeline is correct, I want to stress how motivated he must have been to go to gay bars at such a young age while the gay community was being ravaged by the "gay cancer." This suggests more than just "curiousity." 

4. However, about 10 years ago (when our son was about 9 years old) he found someone on Craig’s list under MOM sex.  He went to the man’s house and they rubbed their dicks together & jerked each other off.   I wanted to know all the details.   The guy was a flight attendant.   They were standing up and lying on the bed. They both came and then finished their beers and then my husband left.   I asked him whether he felt any shame because he cheated on me.   I don’t think that he felt any remorse at all. 

Truth. He likely didn't feel remorse about it because this probably wasn't his first time. Sorry if that stings my friend but that is a massive red flag. 

5. He said that he was curious about it and never did it again.    

Sigh. Yet another lie. As I've shared in multiple "Our Path" podcast interviews, "curious" is a fallback for closeted/questioning husbands. "Curious" is trying something spicy once at your local Chinese restaurant, not gorging on the all d*ck menu for decades.  

6. However, he now says that this whole recent experience with the blackmailer and the fact that he hurt me so much was a wake-up call. He wants to work on our marriage and will not try to seek out sex with a man.  He said that we will stop watching so much porn.  He does not want to blow up our lives or traumatize our son (now 19 living at home & attending college).   We discussed that divorce would hurt us both financially. 

Here I believe he's telling the truth. While your husband may want to stay married and also stop having sex with men, the facts suggest he's been having sex with men and/or cheating on you for decades. 

7. I don’t want to be alone, but I feel angry that he has lied, cheated and deceived me. 

100% agree. 

8. It will be hard to trust him again.    We’re trying to communicate more and have sex more often.   He said that I never initiated sex in the past and so I’m doing so now and trying to be open to using “toys”. 

Please get tested for STDs/STIs and only practice safe sex with your husband (read: condoms). With regards to his bullsh*t blame shift that you're not agressive enough, this is a common distraction among closeted/questioning husbands; again something I discuss during my three podcast interviews with "Our Path." I'll discuss the toys below. 

9. I’ve set boundaries and will not participate in a threesome or let him cum on my face (I don’t understand why that would be a turn on for him and I would find it degrading).   I think that he would like a threesome because it would give him the opportunity to explore his sexuality with me involved as well. 

Correct. I applaud you for setting boundaries.

10. One of the hardest things to hear was that he would be turned on watching another man have sex with me and then having sex with the guy as well.  He said that we would like to watch me being pleasured or something.   It makes me sick just remembering the conversation.  The fact that he would like to do this upsets me.  I sometimes think that he has totally lost his mind.

He has. Now that he's truly admitted to himself and to his wife (you) that he's attracted to men, there has likely been an emotional shift. I'd suggest reading up on something called "gay adolescence" perhaps in an excellent book called "The Velvet Rage" by Dr. Alan Downs.   

11. He now is asking me to put this all behind us.   

Sadly, in my experience there is no putting that pink genie back in the bottle.  

12. He says that he doesn’t have to pursue these things because I don’t want to, but knowing that he would LIKE to do so is hard to accept.   I’ve asked him to let me know if he ever plans to seek out sex with a man before he does it so that we can part as friends.   He assures me that he will let me know but that “it’s not going to happen”.  He says that he wants to stay married and be faithful to me.  Will I ever be able to accept this new reality and have a good future with this person?   

If I'm reading all of this correctly, I believe that your husband is sexually gay and yet emotionally straight. In my opinion, he wants to be heterosexual and has spent most of his life pretending. I read in a later post that you purchased a strapon and now perform anal sex on your husband. In my experience, gay/closeted husbands simply cannot lie in the bedroom. A closeted/questioning husband avoids sex with his wife because he's not attracted to women. While he can often perform sexually in his 20s, once children arrive his kisses turn dry, his erections grow weak, and sex with his wife eventually stops. However, the closeted husband often comes alive when participating in a threesome (with another man) or when penetrated. Moreover, a novice to anal sex experiences a great deal of pain when penetrated for the first time whereas I'm going to guess your husband came across as a highly experienced and enthusiastic participant. Fair comments? If I'm right that he had no pain, very much enjoyed the strapon, and no longer demonstrates an interest in penis-in-vagina sex, these facts suggest he's attracted to men. 

So what now? During this 3-4 month "honeymoon" phase, the closeted/questioning husband initiates sex...often more than he has in decades. It's as if he's trying to prove to himself and his wife that he's truly straight. He's on a form of sexual mission. During this time please get tested for STDs/STIs, ask that he do the same, and only practice safe sex with your husband (read: condoms). If he refuses to get tested then it's another red flag in my opinion. I would also urge you to continue posting here; both for support and to have a record of everything he's saying. I hope I haven't gone too far with my comments my friend. Please feel free to post again and/or respond to my comments. Be well. 

Last edited by Sean01 (June 8, 2023 8:41 pm)

M-Kate wrote:

Thanks you so much Sean.  Should I have my husband read your comments?  

Unknown. I don't think your husband is ready for this level of honesty/truth. And given how batsh*t crazy I was during the disclosure/honeymoon stage of my own marriage, I can't see it as being helpful to him. BUT straight spouses have shared my three podcasts (look for Ryan King here Podcast - OurPath) with their closted/questioning husbands. That seems to be a safer route rather than having deeply closeted husbands haunting this forum and sometimes posting from fake profiles. I hope that helps my friend.  

Last edited by Sean01 (June 6, 2023 7:42 pm)

Thank you for writing both Anons. In response to your post: 

1. Sean - thank you for acknowledging the difficulty that straight spouses face with a month of rainbows and celebration everywhere. I have yet to meet anyone else who has considered this.

Thank you. As I wrote in a previous post, for some straight spouses Pride can feel a bit like having a funeral on Christmas Day. What should be a joyous and colourful event feels like a rainbow funeral march for straight spouses; because it reminds them of emotional abuse, sexual starvation, and the death of their marriages.  

2. At my work I have been requested to change my work signature to a specially designed pride one, put a rainbow flag on my desk, dress up and pose in a rainbow for media photos and actively pronounce my support. All of which has absolutely no bearing on my job in any way.

Wow. Hell I'm gay and even to me that seems like a lot.

3. And I'm tired. All of these symbols cause physical pain right now. I have found this is not socially acceptable. I had to endure the meme stating "wishing all the homophobes a super uncomfortable month" going around. And watched someone get massacred for saying they found it inappropriate. Meanwhile my gay one day ex-husband destroyed my life and is in therapy to figure out why he had sex with me. And I am expected to dance in a rainbow and get punished for my lack of enthusiasm.

I'm sorry you're suffering my friend and completely understand the incongruity. For some straight spouses Pride reminds them of the death of a relationship. So what should a straight spouse do? If he/she feels comfortable sharing, I'd simply tell all the Pride-pushers that you were married to a closeted spouse. I'd simply share that Pride is a painful reminder of a troubled, sexless relationship with a serial cheater....assuming of course that these facts are correct. In time, I'd then seek out a loving friend, relative, or LGBTQ co-worker and support them...not your ex-spouse.   

4. Honestly, I have no hate speech. I don't want to take anyone's rights away. Harm anyone. Or do whatever. I just want to quietly do my job and just be left alone. I am not able to actively support the community at this time, and I don't know what the future holds. But....like, even my job isn't safe from what he did to me.

Tragic. I have yet to encounter a straight spouse who is/was anti-LGBTQ; a miracle. I'd perhaps urge you to discuss all of this with your boss. As I shared in a recent podcast interview, most will understand the pain and suffering caused by an emotionally abusive and cheating husband...who just happened to be queer. Perhaps there is some way to work remotely or find other accommodations when the workplace is celebrating Pride. 

I hope that helps in some way. Be well! 

Thank you for writing Otter. In reply: 

1. Background is similar to most on here- married for more than 20 years, kids, worked as a team, etc. About 6 months ago, he suddenly tells me that he’s going to do whatever he wants and it was like he changed overnight- became narcissistic and picked up a new sport, changed his whole wardrobe, got new friends that he refuses to let me meet.

While I don't have a lot of information, this sounds like gay adolescence. Middle-aged, closeted gay men like me didn't fully experience our teen years because we were closeted. Once out, however, I reverted back to and acted like a 13-year-old k-pop fan girl. If your husband is indeed gay and is also having sex with men, I'd look for things like obsessive dieting, compulsive exercise, and body shaving.  

2. I realized over a few months that he was/is actually having an affair with a man. He, of course denies it.  He did tell  me a few months ago that he’s confused, but knows that he likes men and isn’t attracted to me.

What a pr*ck. You deserve better. 

3. Now he’s saying that he doesn’t know if he can live the lifestyle and is trying to put the genie back in the bottle. He is still having an affair, still gaslighting me, lying and deceiving everyday. He says that he doesn’t want a divorce, but his behavior says otherwise.

If he used the term "lifestyle" then I can only assume he's from a conservative or perhaps religious family. While I'm not in your husband's head, I'm happy to share my own experience. During the dying days of my former marriage, I too was openly cheating and living like a spoiled/adolescent teen. BUT the internalized homophobia ran very deep so there was an incongruity: I wanted to be out/free yet while still clinging desperately to my heterosexual marriage/identity.  I discuss these and other topics in my three (3) podcasts with Podcast - OurPath. Just search "Ryan King" which is my real name. 

4. He’s seeing counseling, but his therapist told him that we need couples counseling. WTH?! I don’t think he’s being honest with her.

I agree. He wouldn't be the first gay/questioning husband who manipulated his therapist. While we've all tried couples counselling, it normally turns into a massive blame shift. This means the husband often tries to blame his wife for his lack of interest in sex and broken communication. If he was raised religious, get ready for the "I'm gay because my [uncle/cousin/pastor etc] touched me" sob story.  

5. I have an amazing therapist and great support to help me through this.

Good for you. 

6. Anyway, a lot of what you told others applies to me, but I would still like your thoughts.

I'm afraid I don't have a lot of information but I'm happy to share my experience. First and foremost, I would encourage you to discuss "gay adolescence" with your therapist and perhaps read about it online. Second, if you determine your husband is indeed in "gay adolescence", going forward you need to see him as a petulant gay teen with the maturity of a 12/13-year old  and not a 40+ year husband/father. Third, I'd accept that honesty - when it comes to his sexuality -  just isn't a language he can speak with you. Most closeted gay men like me start hiding their sexualities around age 5-6. So when he's talking about sex or his sexuality, he's likely clocking a 2/10 on the honesty scale. So I'd start to journal what he's sharing. This means that 20% of what he's saying is probably true. For example, if he says he's slept with 1 man, that means it's 5-10. His new best male "friend" is more likely a boyfriend...and so on. And finally, I'd be prepared to go through the discovery-conflict-honeymoon-separation-reconciliation cycle at least 5-7x over the coming years. And by "honeymoon" I mean a 3-4 month post-conflict period during which he'll be on a sexual mission to secure you back in the marriage while also proving to himself, you, and others that he's still a straight man. Again I'd suggest discussing all of the above with your therapist and perhaps creating your own thread here. 

I hope that helps and please feel free to post again. Be well!