Thank you for writing Pink. In reply: 

1. Happy New Year all. Thank you Sean for your last reply. I hope you had a wonderful Christmas.

I wish you the same Pink. 

2. I have a little update on my situation. I thought things had got better and I’d convinced myself I was just thinking this all up in my head. I can’t even trust my own judgement anymore.

I applaud you for having the courage to post anew. I will again urge you to seek out a mental health professional and/or contact the following women's aid association (link). In my unprofessional opinion, constant confusion and disorientation are possibly signs of an abusive relationship. 

3. My husband finished work for the Christmas holidays on 21st December and we have had the loveliest break as a family.

I think there is a major disconnect here my friend given what you shared, namely: 

- Although it didn’t start that way. The day after he finished work, we got into an argument because our son had chicken pox and we couldn’t agree on the best cream to apply.
- Anyway the argument and his words used against me led me to tell him I’m sick of the outbursts and we need to really be adults about this for the sake of our children.
- I was tired of feeling not good enough with his masturbation on the toilet to women on WhatsApp (so he claims).
- I basically told him to leave and we can be civil. I’m not sticking around if I don’t have the TRUTH.

Perhaps it's time to rethink the term "lovely" my friend. For me personally, a lovely holiday break doesn't mean: arguing in front of your kids; discussing separation/divorce; yelling about your husband's porn/masturbation habits; and threatening to kick him out.    

4. He laid on the bed crying and explained that the reason he’s been so up and down is because that day at the sauna, when the man massaged him and got “too close” to his private parts, he ejaculated. This would explain the semen I found in his swimming trunks.

This doesn't explain anything because it's bullsh*t. I think a more accurate account would be your husband lying about his visit to a gay sauna, lying about having sex with another man at said gay sauna, and then getting caught by his wife (you) with semen in his bathing suit. Need I remind you that he lied about going to a straight (naked) sauna "without a reservation" even though that (straight) sauna doesn't accept clients who haven't reserved. He claimed he was sexually assaulted by another man at the straight sauna even though it's clearly a public place. And now his current version is that he was forcibly massaged and then spontaneously ejaculated...into his own swim trunks? If this was a naked sauna then why the swim trunks?  

5. I asked him if he’s been questioning his sexuality and his reply was “no. I am as straight as they come.”

Erm, no. For a self-identified straight man, he seems to be doing a lot of gay things like ejaculating during male-on-male massages in naked saunas. (These are his words.) There comes a point in all toxic relationships when the spouse (you) simply gets off his pink-merry-go-round of lies, evasions, and manipulations. While I'm not a mental health professional, I reckon you're confused because his lies simply don't make sense. 

6. He said that he didn’t get an erection but it’s like his body sent a message to just finish it now because he felt so sick from the man’s hands all over him. So he ejaculated.

More bullsh*t. So now we're to believe he's like some human squid who squirts semen (rather than ink) as a defense mechanism? This man is delusional. 

7. Seeing him so upset over it made me just want to help him, comfort him. So I told him it’s ok and it’s totally normal for him to ejaculate when he’s being touched close to his privates. My question for you is, IS this normal?

F*ck no! There is nothing normal about him nor this relationship. Again I'd urge you to discuss all of this with a mental health professional. If you feel an overwhelming need to comfort your husband, even when you're so clearly the victim, you might want to explore co-dependency with a qualified therapist.  

8. During our Christmas break, we’ve been all over each other, me more than him. We’ve had sex every day which I’ve enjoyed more than ever because I’ve felt so emotionally connected to him. I BELIEVED him. When I believe him I feel close to him again.

Use condoms condoms condoms! I refer to this as a "honeymoon" phase. It's also called "love bombing." Most straight spouses I've exchanged with over the years find themselves on a merry-go-round of discovery-confrontation-honeymoon for years before they separate and divorce. In my experience, the "honeymoon" phase, during which a questioning husband may also attempt sex with his wife after years of neglect, only lasts a few weeks or months.  

9. How can he seem to enjoy sex with me, but also manage to ejaculate when a man touches CLOSE TO his private parts. He has never ejaculated like that when I’ve touched NEAR his penis or anus.

Because his "I ejaculated as a squid-like defense mechanism while getting my privates massaged by another straight man in a completely straight naked sauna" story is pure horsesh*t. 

10. 2 days ago I checked his stash of Cialis. 2 pills missing. This means he has taken them while he’s been off work WITHOUT being open about it.

Cialis is to have sex with another person. More lies and perhaps cheating? 

11. He hasn’t been anywhere, mostly at home with me and the children.

What does "mostly" mean? I'm assuming there have been times when he's out and about on his own but feel free to confirm. 

12. So the only reason he could be taking them is so he’s able to perform for me. He clearly has no problem keeping an erection for masturbation because the day I caught him [watching porn in the bathroom] he had a RAGING boner. Anyway, this morning he’s gone back to work. AN HOUR EARLY. I called him and asked why he’s gone to work so early today. He was parked up on an industrial road next to his work APPARENTLY. I told him that seems off, why would you stop there? He flew off the handle! Said he stopped to have a cigarette. But wouldn’t you just drive the extra 2 mins and smoke your cigarette then?

Well if he runs into another aggressive male masseur, at least he has a sure-fire way to distract/escape: spontaneous squid-like ejaculation! I jest but only to highlight the absurdity of his excuses. Let's acknowledge the pink elephant in the room: your husband is apparently popping Cialis and cruising industrial parks for sex...likely with men. He wouldn't be the first closeted/cheating husband who used anger to avoid questions and distract from discussing his sexuality. 

13. Something else worth mentioning I think - we had a male budgie. He said it would be a good idea to get a female budgie to keep him company and because it’s “nature” (male and female) he also said something one night about our 3 year old daughter even knowing that it’s natural for a male and female to attract. Seems a little like he’s really TRYING to prove he’s straight do you think?

Trying and failing miserably I reckon. 

14. I am so confused and driving myself mad wondering. Any help or advice welcome, or even a head shake - I definitely need one of them!

Here is my advice which is similar to my suggestions in previous posts: 

- Get tested immediately for STDs/STIs. 
- Going forward, only practice safe sex with your cheating husband (read: condoms). 
- Stop looking to your dishonest husband and his enabling family for honest answers about his sexuality. 
- Start individual therapy and/or reach out to the women's group I posted about above (link) to determine if you're in an abusive relationship. 
- As you continue to challenge him about his erratic behaviour, lies, and manipulations, be ready for him to escalate by threatening suicide, claiming he was abused as a child, and/or faking some life-threatening illness. 
- Ask yourself: if my adult children came to me with similar horror stories about their spouses, what relationship advice would I give them? 

Thanks again for sharing Pink. Feel free to answer my questions (or not) and post as much as you like. You're not alone. Be well! 

Last edited by Sean01 (January 3, 2023 9:57 am)

Thanks Pink. In reply: 

1. Thank you Sean, for your honest words and for the link.

My pleasure. 

2. I will clarify a couple of things I wasn’t clear on and I’ll answer the questions you’ve asked in your reply to my post. “Lovely” probably isn’t the best word to describe our Christmas holiday.

100% agree.

3. I think I have developed a trauma bond.

Bingo! Again I'd suggest sharing all of this with a qualified counsellor or mental health professional. 

4. It’s like when he’s horrible I just want things to be nice again. Nice enough to the point where I feel loved and cared for, appreciated even. So when I do feel a touch of “nice” I just feel totally in love with him and never want the feeling to end. Sadly though I can’t shift the thoughts I’m having about him and what he’s up to. This doesn’t even make sense to me so I’m sorry if it’s like a load of jibberish to you.

This makes a lot of sense and, from what I understand, is quite common in narcissist/co-dependent relationships. The narcissist slowly and methodically reduces the amount of love, affection, and attention given to a partner. It's not unlike emotionally starving a partner (in this case the wife: you). You're starved to the point that any scrap of attention from your husband seems like a meal. And after many years together, the co-dependent spouse will see any scrap of emotional connection on his part as some form of confirmation that he loves you. I hope that makes sense.  

5. Right so this is his correct version of the sauna experience.

Sigh. Here we go again. 

6. He arrived at the sauna, put his stuff into a locker and had a walk around.

Ok. 

7. Got talking to a few guys (some were older) but this particular younger guy was very friendly with my husband and offered him a massage to which my partner accepted.

Lie #1: Men just don't walk around Turkish/Russian (read: straight) saunas offering each other massages. You can pay to have a professional massage but random straight men don't just start lathering each other up. I've been to lots of gay saunas, where men have sex with men, and I've never been offered a massage...ever. So let's just translate the word "massage" for "sex" as in: a younger guy offered to have sex with my husband and my husband accepted.  

8. So off they went into the (private room?) I guess.

This has a hint of truth. In gay saunas, there are public areas where men connect with other men then move to private cabins to have (consensual) sex. So I reckon your husband and this younger man agreed to have sex...in private. 

9. The guy asked my husband if he would like the massage with shorts on or off. My husband said off because he didn’t wanna look like a shy little boy - his words. 

Lie #2: none of this makes sense. Let's reduce this to the bare facts: your husband was naked in a private sauna room with a younger man. Does that sound in any way straight? Not in my universe. 

10. The guy gave my husband an amazing massage. Again - his words. Clicked his back and everything. Then got adventurous and started massaging inside my husbands thighs while brushing past his penis a few times. Then he went onto massage around my husbands anus area. 

Ahhh yes the classic "anus" massage which is right up there with the Californian or deep tissue massage. Again let's reduce this to the bare facts: your husband was naked in a private sauna room with a younger man who touched his penis and anus. Your husband also claimed this was sexual assault. Who in their right mind would characterise a pre-assault massage as "amazing"? He's lying. 

11. Once the massage was over, my husband ejaculated as he sat up to get off the massage table.

Lie #3: your husband claimed this was a sexual assault. So he patiently waited (naked) until the massage was over, sat up, then spontaneously ejaculated? I think the police call this "word salad" as every one of these statements contradict each other. Ok let's reduce this to the bare facts one more time: your husband was naked in a private sauna room with a younger man. This younger man performed an erotic massage during which he touched your husband's penis and anus. Your husband ejaculated. But it was an elaborate sexual assault. 

12. The guy threw my husbands swimming trunks at him and said “I had you popping like a red bull can.” My husband said the way the guy threw his trunks at him made him feel used.

So your husband was naked in a private sauna room with a younger man (gay). This younger man performed a massage during which he touched your husband's penis and anus (gay). Your husband ejaculated as a defensive maneuver, something like a squid shooting ink (lie). Then following this traumatic and explosive sexual assault, the young man calmly threw him his swimming trunks and made a joke (lie). On what planet does any of this make sense? On planet horsesh*t perhaps.   

13. He was home most of the time apart from the odd errand. So he would pop to the shop up the road and literally be back within 10 minutes. Or he would drive to his friends house to pick up pot which can take anywhere from 30 mins to 2 hours.

Again, you're making contradictory statements here my friend. He was home most of the time, except when the father of your children was making two-hour drug runs to his friend's house. Let's just add drugs to his growing list of qualifications. 

14. Could he really be picking up men for sex at 6:30am before he starts work? There is a travelers caravan site opposite his workplace which got me thinking he could have another woman there.

I think after his naked squid game private room anus massage sauna exploits with younger men we can rule out cheating with women my friend. I reckon on that front, you're more than safe.  

15. I don’t know I just never ever had him down as a gay man until recently. It’s so difficult to believe this could be real.

I'm sorry you're suffering friend. The only surreal thing about this is your husband truly trying to pass off ejaculating with another man in a private sauna room as some strange defense mechanism against sexual assault. Your husband so clearly had consensual sex with this man in a (likely gay) sauna. But I've got to hand it to him, I've read a lot of bullsh*t excuses, evasions, and justifications during my time here. But "I had a hands-free orgasm to protect myself" really takes first prize.   

16. He’s just returned home from work as I’m typing this. He comes in, goes straight into the bathroom with his phone. Every. Single. Day. Says he’s held his poo all day and really needs to go. 15-20mins later emerges from the bathroom. I just keep my mouth shut. But I bet he’s masturbating to gay porn in there.

Can you share any of his redeeming qualities? I'm only getting: pot-head; rageaholic; absent father; porn addict; chronic masturbator; and (likely) gay-in-denial cheater. Why are you still married to this loser? 

17. The sad and most frustrating thing about all of this is if he could just tell me the TRUTH - if he is gay in denial, and he would just tell me, I would forgive him and honestly be his best friend.

Given what you've shared, honesty just isn't a language your troubled husband understands. 

18. I know it would be so so heartbreaking to hear it from his own mouth but. We have two children together and I just want to enjoy the rest of my life and let him enjoy his. On the other hand of that is what if I’m wrong? I don’t want to throw away our relationship if its no big deal and it’s all just me being a big paranoid mess.

If I may be so bold, he seems like a pretty sh*tty husband, father, and human being even before considering the gay thing. You are not paranoid nor overeacting my friend. You are simply questioning his completely absurd versions of recent events, namely his cheating on you with other men. You and your children deserve so much better. Dump this loser. 

Please feel free to come back, reply, and/or post again. You're not alone. Be well! 

Last edited by Sean01 (January 3, 2023 12:35 pm)

Thank you for sharing Pink. For those who are new to this thread, Pink is questioning her husband's sexuality because he admitted to getting a naked massage in a sauna from a younger man after which he ejaculated then claimed it was sexual assault. Let's not forget this little nugget he added post-massage: 

"After his sauna experience, he didn’t want intercourse with me because he wanted to get tested for aids and STDs in case “the man had a cut on his finger and his blood entered my...anus.”

This suggests your husband was penetrated during his gay sauna hook up, so I reckon he was the bottom. It's quite common for the self-hating closeted husband to spiral like this, particularly after getting caught (and challenged) by his wife. So he'll often claim it was sexual assault, as your husband did, to paint himself as the victim. This avoids the obvious question: "Why the f*ck were you naked, getting a naked massage, and in a private room with a younger man at a gay sauna?" So why do I believe your husband is gay-in-denial (GID)? Because he immediately thought "AIDS" after cheating on you, and closeted/questioning men associate "AIDS" with gay men, not straight women. Your husband is a spectacularly bad liar. Turning now to your latest post: 

1. The thing is my mind is so scrambled with all of his lies and gaslighting that I’m even questioning if the sauna thing happened AT ALL. I mean before then I found a straight dating profile which I believe to be his. It was only when I approached him about this that he came out with the whole sauna story.

I think we should focus on the cheating and lies rather than his sexuality. If you define love and marriage as honesty and monogamy, then he's clearly failing on both counts. So what now? I'd suggest you start journaling all of this, perhaps by creating your own thread here. This will allow to keep track of his lies/evasions/omissions while also sharing your own feelings. As I've shared in previous posts, I also believe you should find a qualified therapist for individual (not couples) counselling.  

2. I’m now wondering if he’s totally made the WHOLE story up and was actually with a female but he’s made this terrible story up to become the victim.

Regardless, he was clearly cheating on you and will likely do it again. Is this how you define marriage? 

3. But then I don’t know what straight man would prefer his wife to question his sexuality rather than just know the truth - that’s he’s cheating with women. He’s also shown interest in my lesbian cousin - asking me how she knew she was a lesbian. If she would ever have a sex change. Things like that.

While I don't have a lot of information here, he's likely interested in her coming out journey. He might also be gaging your reaction to gay/lesbian people, perhaps in preparation for his own coming out. But again this is just speculation on my part. 

4. Gay-in-denial or cheating with women, it’s definitely one or the other. Something isn’t right and hasn’t been for a while. What are your thoughts on this?

I agree. Once again, I think he had a consensual hook up with a man at a sauna, completely panicked ("I have AIDS!!!") when you challenged him, then concocted some bullsh*t sexual assault narrative to distract you from the main issue: he went to a naked sauna, met a younger man, the two of them went to a private room at the sauna, this younger man touched him, then your husband ejaculated. These are all his words by the way.    

5. If anyone else has a similar story please get in touch with me. I could do with a chat. I can’t tell my family anymore because they are just so off him now anyway. Gosh I really feel mad right now.

Feel free to post here as much as you like. But again I'd urge you to start your own thread as not many straight spouses post on this thread. Thanks again for posting Pink and keep coming back. Be well! 

Hey Pinklady:  Just reading this and wanted to add that as a straight guy, I want to go to a sauna like this and allow myself to experience what your husband deacribed about as much as a vegetarian would want to go to a rib joint. Sorry you are going through this.

Thank you all for your support and advice. If it weren’t for you lot I would still have absolutely no idea why my relationship is such a sh*t show.

Sean, Thank you for being one of the few that had the balls to admit your sexuality. I appreciate you, I think we all do. I’ve started my own thread like you advised and I’ve sent off an STD test so fingers crossed for that. I’ve spoken with my family who are urging me to leave but just like some of the other straight spouses I don’t quite feel ready. I want to let him sweat abit while thinking I know. Sorry if that’s abit mean. I want to catch him. I want to humiliate him like he has done to me. But that’s not the level I wanna stoop down to. But I can’t help wanting him to feel half the pain I'm feeling. But then he’s the father of my children and as a mother that makes me a terrible person to want to see him hurt. But he’s a terrible person for doing this to me. I am sorry if that’s offensive to anybody. I am so angry right now. I don’t know what I’m going to do next. It will come to me. Right now I’m just pretending everything is ok.