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November 23, 2022 10:30 am  #2081


Re: A gay ex-husband answers your questions

Sean - thank you and I will keep the group posted!

 

November 23, 2022 11:28 am  #2082


Re: A gay ex-husband answers your questions

Thank you for posting Gwen and Jayney. In response to Jayney's post: 

1. Hello, I'm looking for some advice. I believe my husband is in the closet and I'd like to hear from people in similar situations to see if any of these signs resonate with you.

So sorry you've found yourself here Janey. I'll do my best to help but please keep in mind that I'm not a mental health professional.

2. We have been married 4 years and together 7. The sex was never frequent and robotic from the outset and gradually tapered off from the wedding to being non-existent now. At the start of the relationship he was quite angry with me and once we were married he kept saying he felt trapped but could never explain why when I questioned him.

These are classic "pink" flags as I often call them. I discuss the many signs you might be married to a gay husband and some other issues in the following podcasts: 

S4 Ep 3: A “Narcissist in Recovery” Gets Real - OurPath
S5 Ep 5: A Former Closeted Narcissist in Recovery Answers Your Questions - OurPath

3. He sleeps in a sep bedroom (his choice) and often goes out on nights out for work. What were the signs for you? does any of this resonate?

In addition to cheating with men and/or watching gay porn, here are some more "pink" flags: 

- Mama's boy
- Teased in school for being "gay" 
- While in school or university, an interest in theatre or choir
- A streaming or web browser history full of gay content
- Boyfriend-like relationship with a co-worker or gym buddy

4. In terms of therapy we tried counselling but he always gets angry of I raise the sex issue and makes me feel guilty and calls me a nymphomaniac. The sex therapist suggested testosterone checks but he never got them. he suffers ed and frequently struggled to finish when we were together. 

While inconclusive, these are more classic signs your husband may be closeted.

5. I remember thinking I may as well not be here when we had sex as there was never any kissing or intimacy and it was like he was mentally detached. after he would always pull away and be quiet and moody.

I'm not sure if your husband is indeed a closeted gay man, but he does sound like a black-belt *sshole. As I've shared with many straight spouses in the past, while he always attempts to define his own sexuality, you alone get to define terms like "love" and "husband." I often urge wives to write a "help" wanted ad for the right husband...nothing fancy, just a few paragraphs. Then wait a week and write up a mock resume for your husband; not based on who you want him to be, but based solely on who he has been since the beginning of your relationship. If his resume summary sounds like this: "Emotionally distant angry man seeks marriage with single woman. I suffer from ED, have little interest in sex, may be gay-in-denial, and will spend most of our relationship doing things without you." Ask yourself: would you even schedule an interview with this man? If the answer is an emphatic "NO" why then spend the rest of your life with him? I hope that doesn't sting too much my friend. 

Please feel free to post again. For every straight spouse who posts here, I reckon there are hundreds following your journeys. Be well! 

Last edited by Sean01 (November 23, 2022 11:29 am)

 

November 23, 2022 4:47 pm  #2083


Re: A gay ex-husband answers your questions

Pink Lady,

Have you thought about why you keep taking him back?  

He certainly fits the picture of gay in denial and not being good to you.

Oh just remembered and wanted to add - yes I felt terrible about feeling repulsed too.  Thought it was wrong of me to feel like that but looking back now I think how come I put up with how he was with me for so long.

 

Last edited by lily (November 23, 2022 4:55 pm)

 

November 24, 2022 2:14 am  #2084


Re: A gay ex-husband answers your questions

lily wrote:

Pink Lady,

Have you thought about why you keep taking him back?  

He certainly fits the picture of gay in denial and not being good to you.

Oh just remembered and wanted to add - yes I felt terrible about feeling repulsed too.  Thought it was wrong of me to feel like that but looking back now I think how come I put up with how he was with me for so long.


Hi Lily

Thank you for writing. I think I keep taking him back out of routine or comfort. I met him when I was 18 and I’m now 31 which I know is not as long as some of your relationships on here. I just don’t know what it is. Maybe I’m scared of change. Maybe I fit the description for a trauma bond. It’s like when he’s here, I’m looking at him with disgust. But when he’s gone, I miss him being around. This really sucks!

Last night, he said to me that he’s got a feeling I think he’s gay. And then he went on to convince me how he isn’t. Said he’s always like women, he looks at them and “rates” them, whether they are his type. Said he likes kinky stuff and hates gays and that they are in the same category as pedophiles. I said no of course they are not. He really got all homophobic on me last night and then once that was done he was happy as Larry. Playing and joking with the children. It’s like a weight had lifted for him.

Now I’m in between believing it and wondering if it was all BS.
 

 

November 24, 2022 4:29 am  #2085


Re: A gay ex-husband answers your questions

Thank you for posting Pink. My apologies as I didn't see your last, longer post. One part of what you wrote struck me, namely: 

"I forgot to add in my first post, the day I walked in on him masturbating and he said “how do you know i was watching a man?” We had a massive argument and the police were called by a passer by. He was arrested for domestic violence because he’d pushed me, he didn’t lay his hands on me but he used his chest to force me backwards. A few hours later his mother called me and said “my son is suicidal because he had a w*nk, everybody does this why are you bothered.” Now I know most people men and women please themselves and I have no problem with that. But it’s very unusual for him to make the statement “well how do you know it weren’t a man” I told his mother maybe he’s gay and she said WHAT! No way!" 

I'd contact a qualified therapist and/or reach out to a support group to determine if you're in an abusive relationship. If I'm reading this correctly, your husband pushed you and was arrested for domestic violence. End of story. Given what you've shared, I wouldn't let questions about your husband's sexuality cloud the main issues: this is so clearly a toxic relationship. Your husband is prone to angry/violent outbursts. He's clearly questioning his sexuality. Martial sex is infrequent and unsatisfying...and sounds like borderline assault if he's waking you up in the middle of the night to use you like some masturbatory tool. Straight people have divorced for much less my friend. Ask yourself this: would you urge your own daughter to stay with such a toxic man? Please consider the damaging effect this is having on both you and your children. I hope that helps. Be well! 

Last edited by Sean01 (November 24, 2022 4:33 am)

 

November 24, 2022 4:45 am  #2086


Re: A gay ex-husband answers your questions

Thank you so much for replying. I agree on the pink flags and they are growing in number.

Your advertisement idea made me laugh! I’ll definitely be taking that challenge. And no one would apply for that man 😩

I had a chat with him last night and he said he’s always had delayed ejaculation and Ed and I should love him as he is. I feel guilty for even raising it again.

After years of no sex and when we did have sex being told I’m too ‘wet’ or too ‘tight’ I started to feel horribly unattractive. Even though I’d had lots of men before with no issues he made me feel I’m the problem abs has projected issues onto me.

I know it’s hopeless trying to get him to come out but is it worth a final try? Are there any tips about how to give safe space for someone to talk?

 

November 24, 2022 4:57 am  #2087


Re: A gay ex-husband answers your questions

Thanks for posting Janey. In reply:

1. I had a chat with him last night and he said he’s always had delayed ejaculation and Ed and I should love him as he is. I feel guilty for even raising it again.

This is problematic and perhaps something you should discuss with a qualified therapist. This smacks of something called "blame shifting." No one should feel guilty about discussing important issues like sex with their partner.  

2. After years of no sex and when we did have sex being told I’m too ‘wet’ or too ‘tight’ I started to feel horribly unattractive. Even though I’d had lots of men before with no issues he made me feel I’m the problem abs has projected issues onto me.

I'm a gay man and the first sentence turned me on...so maybe he's the problem!? You deserve better my friend. A loving husband: apologises for hurting his wife; owns his mistakes/errors; and works like hell to change. 

3. I know it’s hopeless trying to get him to come out but is it worth a final try? Are there any tips about how to give safe space for someone to talk?

I think your heart is in the right place my friend, but perhaps it's time to start thinking with your head...meaning logically. Based on my time here and years of exchanges with straight spouses, I estimate that fewer than 10% of straight spouses actually hear, "Yes I'm gay and I'm just not physically attracted to women." Regardless of your husband's sexuality, you appear to be in a sexless and unhappy marriage. Ask yourself this: is this man capable of changing? Feel free to post again. Be well. 

 

November 24, 2022 7:27 am  #2088


Re: A gay ex-husband answers your questions

Thank you Sean

Sorry for my very long post before.

I don’t see my situation as being that bad, but I’m wondering if that’s because he’s told me that. When I tell him what he’s said and done to me over the years he says that didn’t happen or he doesn’t remember it the same way I do. Or he just outright accuses me of making it up. This may sound foolish of me but I’m not ready to give up yet, I do give as good as I get (I try to) and at the moment I’m just pretending everything is going to get better. I just feel I need to know if I’ve been used all these years as a cover for him. That would explain the toxicity of our relationship. I guess it’s like closure. If he is gay in denial I really want to help him come out so that we can both move on with our lives. It unsettles me to think we could break up and his secret is still safe. This isn’t fair on anyone especially our children. I mean, they deserve to know the real identity of their own daddy. This seems so cruel how anyone could do this. I know you’ve said it’s not intentional, but for him to hide things proves he knows he’s doing wrong. So that kind of does make it intentional in my opinion. I feel like I’m going round in circles but I want to keep posting as this forum is helping me. I really hope more gay spouses have the heart to come out like you did.

 

November 24, 2022 9:37 am  #2089


Re: A gay ex-husband answers your questions

Pinklady, I found it helpful to focus not on whether my husband was gay but to evaluate whether what was going on in our marriage was what T wanted in a marriage.. My conclusion was "Whatever he is he isn't for me."

My situation was different because he had come out to me as "gay" and moved out and then when the man he was in love with cooled their relationship he began dating women. In case his next step would be to  try to come back to me because no divorce had been filed I needed to sort out where I was with that possibility.

Having been married for 30+ years I realized that I was happier without him than with him. There had not been conflict but there had not been ANYTHING for many.years. My plants have certain requirements  to live and my soul was not getting what I needed from him. At best he loved me like a sister. More recently it had been more as an appliance that did chores.

My parents were married for 60+ years of what I termed "Holy Deadlock", to end only when "Death did its part".. If you have children, is this the atmosphere you want them to grow up in?  It undoubtedly was a contributory factor in my low expectations for marriage and a source of my biting wit. 

Is this what you want for yourself?"


 


Try Gardening. It'll keep you grounded.
 

November 24, 2022 4:38 pm  #2090


Re: A gay ex-husband answers your questions

Sean - I can’t thank you enough, This thread is so helpful!
Pink lady I have the same issues as you. Gaslighting is common place in these relationships it seems and I too often find myself reeling thinking is it me or is it him?

All I can offer is that your spouse can’t  tell you how bad your situation is or how you should feel as you are the one living it. I often get told the same ‘he gives and gives and can’t give anymore’. As though I’m some kind of drain on his energy - it exhausts me!

I agree closure would help me move on too. If he’d just say ‘I’m gay’ then at least I’d have a choice to make. At the moment it’s only fence sitting worrying ‘what if’.

 

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