ImSoConfused wrote:

PinkLady, I don't have words for you. Just know I'm holding a place in my heart for you.

Thank you kindly.

I am sending you love & strength too, after reading your posts I can’t even begin to imagine what you’re going through.

Best wishes to you and your family. Hugs

Thank you for writing PinkLady. In reply: 

1. Thank you Sean for looking into the sauna. I have no words to explain what I’m feeling. It’s like I have some signs to believe he’s gay but I feel it’s not enough. It’s almost that I want him to be gay so I have a reason for the messy relationship we’ve had.

I understand completely. Most straight spouses find themselves trapped in terribly dysfunctional relationships...even before discovering the gay thing (TGT). I reckon thinking you need additional proof or additional evidence is a form of delay, or perhaps denial. It's this idea that, "Well I've held on for years in this toxic marriage, why not wait a few more months before blowing it all up?" So what now? Keep in mind that most heterosexual marriages end for much less. If you are in shock/denial, you can perhaps snap out of it by substituting everything your husband has done with men, with women. For example, my husband had sex in a sauna with a woman. My husband is spending all his time with a female co-worker. The gay thing is often an elaborate distraction because it takes away from the main issues, which in your husband's case, are: severe mental illness; constantly abandoning you and your children; and cheating.  

2. I’ve felt for a long time that he can’t really love me. Like really love me. All the times he’s left us for days on end, with no contact until I ask him to come back. If he really loved us how could he do that?

Good point. For me personally, I could only love others once I'd learned to love and accept my (gay) self

3. He says since the sauna experience he’s felt broken because I didn’t support him.

This is a classic blame shift and it's bollocks. 

4. But I reminded him he was suicidal before that. Was that my fault too? He says yes because I don’t show him enough love.

He's delusional. I suggest asking him the following question: what, if anything, in our relationship is purely your fault? 

5. When I listened to Lilys interview and she mentioned her husbands runny nose, it resonated with me. Do we straight spouses start picking out little things we don’t like because we know deep down something is not right in our relationship. This has happened to me I went through a stage where I felt so mistreated and disrespected that every time I looked at him I felt repulsed. I feel terrible admitting that.

Well it's the truth. Many wives would have already left for much less my friend. 

6. I do love him and I wish I could take this all away.

I would reach out to a mental health professional or perhaps an assocation to determine whether you're the victim of emotional/verbal abuse. Ask yourself this question: would I remain friends with anyone who treated me this way...namely lies, abandonment, and emotional abuse? Of course not. Then why are you letting your husband treat you this way? I think it's time to redefine "love" because, for me personally, love isn't cheating, lies, and emotional abuse. 

7. I asked him why he gives me these dry kisses and he said he’s forgotten how to kiss the way I like it. Keeps talking about how an experience or Trauma can change someone. But never mentioning the word gay. I’m worried that he’s going to hide his gayness and come out years later with the story of “the sauna experience made me gay” it’s like he’s preparing me for the story.

Dry kisses or pecks without passion are another red flag. He wouldn't be the first closeted husband who cried/lied: "Sexual abuse made me gay!"  

8. I’m picking up on things I didn’t use to even think twice about. My mind is constantly on high alert around him. I’m looking at him like I don’t even know who he is.

I see this as a good sign because it sounds like you're no longer buying into his bullsh*t. 

9. He’s promising me the whole dream business together he doesn’t want me to have a job he wants me to run the business. He wants me to rely on him as my man.

This is another red flag: economic dependence. It's very common for closeted husbands to attempt to control their straight wives economically because it makes it much harder for wives to separate/divorce. 

10. Says I should put full trust in him. But like I said to him, how can I put trust in someone who’s telling me he doesn’t trust me enough to tell me something big that’s on his mind? How can we be a couple yet he has something he doesn’t wanna tell me, and he even feels comfortable enough to tell me that. Does he think I’m stupid? Am I stupid? Maybe too naive.

In my "Our Path" inteviews, I referred to this as: (blind) Stevie Wonder driving the bus. Given what you've shared, your husband has given you absolutely no reason to trust him. I don't think you're stupid. I think you naively put your trust in a pathologically dishonest man who was clearly hiding his sexuality. 

11. Sorry just a rant from me this morning.

Rant away. That's what this forum is for so feel free to post as much as you like. Be well! 

Last edited by Sean01 (November 21, 2022 10:16 am)

Thanks for writing Blue. In response to your latest post: 

1. Here’s something that happened Thursday. I want to get your take on it. I have husbands location on google maps. I can see where he is at any given time- or where his phone is.

That's an important distinction: his location vs his phone's location. He always has the option of leaving his phone behind, putting it in "airplane" mode, or otherwise disabling the phone's SIM card to hide his true location.  

2. Reminder- Some of his cheating was done during work hours when he would leave work during the day for blow jobs. He would also stop off at someone’s house on the way home from work or make excuses to leave the house. I also realize that he could have a second phone and could leave his main phone at work and go wherever he wanted to.

Correct. 

3. So, regardless, I occasionally check his location. One day last week I saw that he had left work at a certain time. His location froze at one place on the way home, so each time I looked, it showed that he was there 15 minutes ago or 25 minutes ago. It was just fishy to me that his location was frozen and I had never seen this happen for this amount of time before.

Strange. 

4. It was probably nothing but I decided to say something to see what his reaction would be. I stated the facts...” I checked the location at 5:00 pm. Your location was frozen at this place for at least 30 minutes. Why did it take so long to get home?” Here’s what happened: He started talking about his route coming home. (I realize it’s rush hour traffic so it can be very congested. I just wanted to see how he handled my questioning). He said he went one way then had to adjust the route. Blah blah blah.  I pressed a little harder and then he actually started raising his voice at me!!! He didn’t like it! I said something like, “You are yelling at me because of a situation that YOU have put me in???”

What an *sshole. Let's call this the "CSI" stage of your relationship. You've caught him in so many lies that he no longer has any credibility. So you've been relegated to the role of probationary officer, following all his movements. If someone asks a straight man if he's gay, he'll just laugh if off because the idea is so absurd. But ask a closeted man if he's gay and he'll react the same way your husband did, or he'll deflect ("Why are YOU asking me these questions?"), or distract with lies/exaggerations ("I almost DIED on the drive home!"). I reckon he's defensive because he had something to hide. 

5. I walked away and went into the kitchen and cried, which is my go to reaction these days. I cry all the time. Anyway, I calmed down thanks to a medication I’m having to take. 

I'm so sorry you're suffering my friend. This isn't a healthy marriage nor is it sustainable long term. 

6. Later on I’m walking through the room that he’s in. He said, “I’m sorry that I lashed out. I’ve been feeling stressed lately due to the thought of having to get a prostate biopsy. (Which he had not told me about) He said that his PSA was a little more elevated than last time and add that to the fact that he is now 60 and his dad died of prostate cancer, they are going to do a biopsy. Guess what immediately thought... DISTRACTION.

100% agree! My advice for straight women married to closeted, pathological liars: listen then verify. Don't get emotionally involved. If at any point your cornered husband breaks out some story to paint himself as the suffering victim, don't fall for it. Other versions of this include, but are not limited to: I was abused; I have [insert illness here]; I was sexually assaulted. 

7. He knows that I would be all over that with questions that it would be a distraction from the fact that a) He has cheated so badly that I am still tracking his location for over a year later. b)That his behavior since DDay has been so crappy that I am still triggered by his lack of sympathy or empathy. C) He didn’t say one single word of reassurance like, “I want you to know that you can trust that I am where I say I am.” Or “I will never put you in position again to worry about where I am.” Or “I am sorry that my terrible actions have caused you to be triggered and upset.” Not one word like that. What do you think about that?

Good for you. Stay focused on the main issues: honesty; fidelity; remorse; and empathy.  

8. I don’t like following him. I stopped for a while because it made me crazy, but now I am watch mode. I am watching him always. It was truly a revelation to know that he’s a narcissist and that I’ve been snowed for years. 

I'm so sorry he's put you in this terrible situation. You deserve better. As I shared during a recent "Our Path" podcast, I urge straight spouses to gage their husbands' honesty over the course of their entire relationship, rather than his recent sexuality issues. I suggest using a 10-point scale with 10/10 being Jesus-like honesty, 5/10 being somewhat honest, and 0/10 being a pathalogical liar. If your husband is scoring a 1-2/10 on the honesty scale when it comes to anything related to his sex or his sexuality, then 80-90% of what he says is false, exaggerated, and/or just outright lies. 

Looking at his prostate story above, you can easily confirm whether or not your father-in-law died of prostate cancer. That's a yes/no question. Turning now to your husband, most plausible lies have a grain of truth in them. So I reckon your husband felt cornered by your questions, then exaggerated a routine prostate exam into an "I have cancer!" story. He wouldn't be the first questioning/closeted husband who conjured up some bullsh*t story to distract his wife while also trying desperately to activate her empathy/co-dependency so she feels a need to "save" him. It's just another distraction. Don't fall for it! 

Thanks for posting Blue and please feel free to come back. Be well! 

Last edited by Sean01 (November 21, 2022 10:57 am)

Thank you for writing Gwen. In reply: 

1. Sean -I've listened to both Podcasts! Thank you.

Hope they helped in some way my friend. 

2. I have been in this cycle to save my marriage for a couple of years because my gay husband is a charmer. Darnit. 

Few of us just split at the first signs of trouble so I wouldn't beat yourself up my friend. Based on my own troubled marriage and based on my years of exchanging with straight spouses, the cycle of discovery-conflict-separation often repeats 5-7x before the gay/straight couple divorces. 

3. I should've known something was up when he and all of his friends are in the Arts. He can also dress me better than I can. His close friends are gay and there were more clear signs. But somehow I just thought he was just a metrosexual man ( I feel naïve lol). 

I refer to these as "pink flags" in my podcast interviews. 

4. Somehow he has gotten everything he wanted in the last couple of years when he manipulated his way into 'allowing' me to have an open relationship. I was starved and went into the bakery! I was afraid of what the impact of a divorce would have on our children.

This resonates with me. I reckon I hid behind the excuse "we need to stay together for the children" when I was truly scared of separation/divorce and being on my own. Thankfully, our marriage counsellor said that toxic marriages like ours do more damage to children than having separate households. 

5. This is not the path that I wanted, but I believe we will be ok.  I have retained a lawyer to end the marriage. You are so right that it's hard to compete with someone who has spent over 40 years masking his true identity. I'm not even going to try - my job is to get out! 

Understood. I hope your divorce is quick and painless. 

6. He's concerned about his image so I am hopeful we can amicably separate and co-parent our children. I know it sounds crazy - but I hope he can accept and love himself enough to come out of the closet. 

That's very kind of you but, once divorced, he'll no longer be your responsibility. 

7. As a result of his internal issues, I have become collateral damage. I can't fix him but I can take control of my healing process and focus on getting out! 

Well said my friend. Please keep coming back with updates. I reckon for that every straight spouse posting here, there are hundreds following your journeys. Be well! 

Hello,
I'm looking for some advice. I believe my husband is in the closet and I'd like to hear from people in similar situations to see if any of these signs resonate with you.

We have been married 4 years and together 7. The sex was never frequent and robotic from the outset and gradually tapered off from the wedding to being non-existent now. At the start of the relationship he was quite angry with me and once we were married he kept saying he felt trapped but could never explain why when I questioned him.

He sleeps in a sep bedroom (his choice) and often goes out on nights out for work. What were the signs for you? does any of this resonate?

in terms of therapy we tried counselling but he always gets angry of I raise the sex issue and makes me feel guilty and calls me a nymphomaniac. the sex therapist suggested testosterone checks but he never got them. he suffers ed and frequently struggled to finish when we were together. 

I remember thinking I may as well not be here when we had sex as there was never any kissing or intimacy and it was like he was mentally detached. after he would always pull away and be quiet and moody.