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February 17, 2022 10:54 am  #1891


Re: A gay ex-husband answers your questions

Thank you Clintonia and Shh0406. So what have you decided to do Shh0406? Be well! 

 

February 20, 2022 11:36 am  #1892


Re: A gay ex-husband answers your questions

I don't know i really don't.
At this point he knows I'm not happy due to his behavior, sneaky lies, i have so much evidence its ridiculous. I'm going to end it very soon. I can't live like this. There's always doubt in mind I'm not 1% sure because he denies everything! Not even one thing is true? All snap chat maps are off and not accurate as well as Google maps..lol he doesn't have grindr but literally someone was 8feet away? The only people here are me and my 8 yr old.. has to be you.. we no longer have sex..i won't.. and we had a very active sex life everyday..2xs at least..I'm getting checked this week..i just don't know how to do it? Any suggestions? Thanks again Sean 4 everything you are doing Gods work and that's a fact i so know! Very humble, heroine you are!

 

February 21, 2022 2:47 am  #1893


Re: A gay ex-husband answers your questions

Thanks for writing Shh0406. In reply: 

1. ​I don't know [what to do] I really don't.

No rush my friend. Take all the time you need. BUT beware: once a closeted/questioning partner thinks you're about to leave, he often "love bombs" you or there is a kind of "honeymoon" phase. 

2. At this point he knows I'm not happy due to his behavior, sneaky lies, I have so much evidence its ridiculous.

Evidence like what my friend? 

3. I'm going to end it very soon. I can't live like this.

Ok so you've made a decision. Please see #1 (above) as he might attempt to win you back, but it's more like tempting you back into his closet. 

4. There's always doubt in mind I'm not 1% sure because he denies everything! Not even one thing is true? All snap chat maps are off and not accurate as well as Google maps..lol he doesn't have grindr but literally someone was 8feet away? The only people here are me and my 8 yr old.. has to be you.. we no longer have sex..i won't.. and we had a very active sex life everyday..2xs at least..

I'm sorry this is so confusing. If you're not already in therapy, I'd get yourself a qualified counsellor to work through all of these emotions.   

5. I'm getting checked [for STDs/STIs] this week..i just don't know how to do it? Any suggestions? Thanks again Sean 4 everything you are doing Gods work and that's a fact i so know! Very humble, heroine you are!

I applaud you for focusing on your health and the health of your child as well. If and when he tries to initiate sex again to win you back, which often happens during the post-conflict honeymoon phase, please only practice safe sex. 

Good luck my friend and keep coming back! 

 

February 22, 2022 2:16 am  #1894


Re: A gay ex-husband answers your questions

INTERVIEW W/CHARLOTTE (FEB16-22). Charlotte (aka "LMM") is a relatively new member to the forum. She bravely shares about being raised by mentally ill parents, being an Evangelical Christian, and why God told her to marry a closeted gay man. Charlotte has recently made the decision to separate/divorce. 

INTERVIEW W/LILY (JAN30-22). Lily is a long-time forum member and beloved contributor. She shares about meeting her future husband in a cult, moving to Australia for "love", and how he emotionally abused her for decades. Lily is now divorced, free, and living her best life down under.  

INTERVIEW W/KAY (JAN22-22). Kay (aka "Walkbymyself") shares about spending three decades with her closeted ex-husband, his AIDS scare, and how she found the courage to divorce. 

If you're listening to the above interviews on a smartphone, you'll need to click the download button (top right of your screen next to the three dots) to start play.

Link to my podcast/interview with Kristin Kalbli from "Our Path": S4 Ep 3: A “Narcissist in Recovery” Gets Real.  

00:00:22 Introductions
00:04:09 My coming out story
00:11:09 Straight wives and sexless marriages
00:17:30 Common red flags (or “pink flags”) with non-straight husbands
00:22:46 Narcissism in gay/straight relationships
00:27:20 Common patterns in gay/straight relationships
00:34:30 Why doesn’t he just say “I’m gay”?
00:36:50 Do questioning/gay-in-denial husbands care about their straight spouses?
00:44:33 Answering the question: “Is my husband gay?”
00:53:13 Closeted men don’t want love, they want approval/recognition
00:54:09 Closeted husbands giving gifts to wives
00:54:56 Tricks closeted men use to distract their wives
01:03:07 Closeted husbands claiming “sexual abuse made me gay”
01:15:55 Signs your questioning/gay-in-denial husband is cheating
01:20:54 Why couples counselling rarely works in gay/straight relationships
01:25:30 When straight wives cheat
01:31:50 Why didn’t my questioning/gay husband let me go?
01:33:40 Why is my straight ex-wife so angry?
01:39:40 Straight spouse: where’s my f*cking pride parade?
01:42:11 My current relationship with ex-wife 

If you'd like to share your own story via an interview, just message me. Be well! 

 

February 22, 2022 11:33 pm  #1895


Re: A gay ex-husband answers your questions

Hi Sean.  Thank you for your posts.  My story is here, and I read frequently.  I don't post often. This has been the only source of validation, and relief from the loneliness that being a straight spouse of a bi? gay? trans? man brings, since I left my X in April of 2019.  Even though we're divorced now and I rarely see him (he never speaks when we do - I never existed, I guess) I'm still trying to understand what happened to me.  Often that quest veers off into trying to figure out what his actual sexual orientation was.  In the years that I tried to be supportive and open-minded and provide him with someone to talk to, he would only go so far as to say that he "might be bi-curious".  So here are some things I wonder about, and that you might have some insight into.   
1. Is crossdressing common among gay men?  It was the first thing he revealed to me shortly after we married. (All those heels he urged me to buy because I would be so sexy in them, were really for him.)
2. Do gay men sometimes resort to begging their wives to have sex with another man claiming it would be such a turn on to watch, when it might be just a way to gain proximity to another man and still preserve the illusion of being straight?
3. When he started contacting other men online, he was very interested in finding someone else who also wanted to dress and have "gurl" time, and he would share his gurl name with them.
4. He obsessively watched so-called "sissy" porn, and wrote elaborate "stories" about such activities to other men online in the wee hours of the morning when I was asleep.  To me, the things he wrote were sickening - involving pain and humiliation, often inflicted by a woman, but it was clear they turned him on.  
5. He often engaged in ostentatious flirtation with our mutual female friends. Is this part of maintaining cover and a masculine image?

I know figuring him out won't heal me, but I wonder if defining this man might help me banish him and his confusing behaviors from my thoughts so I can better care for myself. I am seeking a therapist that might help me take next steps in healing.

Thank you, Sean.


 

 

February 23, 2022 4:22 pm  #1896


Re: A gay ex-husband answers your questions

Thank you for sharing Leigh. In reply: 

Hi Sean.  Thank you for your posts.  My story is here, and I read frequently.  I don't post often. This has been the only source of validation, and relief from the loneliness that being a straight spouse of a bi? gay? trans? man brings, since I left my X in April of 2019. 

Glad you escaped the torment. 

Even though we're divorced now and I rarely see him (he never speaks when we do - I never existed, I guess) I'm still trying to understand what happened to me.  Often that quest veers off into trying to figure out what his actual sexual orientation was. 

This is quite common among straight spouses who divorce gay/questioning husbands. 

In the years that I tried to be supportive and open-minded and provide him with someone to talk to, he would only go so far as to say that he "might be bi-curious". 

Again, quite common. 

So here are some things I wonder about, and that you might have some insight into. 1. Is crossdressing common among gay men?  It was the first thing he revealed to me shortly after we married. (All those heels he urged me to buy because I would be so sexy in them, were really for him.)

I only have one (straight identified) friend who cross dresses. I'm not an expert but none of my gay friends cross dress. 

2. Do gay men sometimes resort to begging their wives to have sex with another man claiming it would be such a turn on to watch, when it might be just a way to gain proximity to another man and still preserve the illusion of being straight?

These are cuck or cuckold fantasies and yes they are quite common among closeted/questioning husbands. The husband often wants to use his wife as a sexual avatar, hoping to watch her having sex with another man. Many straight spouses have shared that their gay-in-denial husbands had such fantasies.  

3. When he started contacting other men online, he was very interested in finding someone else who also wanted to dress and have "gurl" time, and he would share his gurl name with them.

I'd invite Outofhiscloset (OOHC) to comment on this as I believe she went through something similar with her ex-husband. 

4. He obsessively watched so-called "sissy" porn, and wrote elaborate "stories" about such activities to other men online in the wee hours of the morning when I was asleep.  To me, the things he wrote were sickening - involving pain and humiliation, often inflicted by a woman, but it was clear they turned him on.  

As I've often written, browser histories don't lie. 

5. He often engaged in ostentatious flirtation with our mutual female friends. Is this part of maintaining cover and a masculine image?

The gay/questioning husband is a performer...something we learn at a very young age. Yes I've often witnessed gay men flirting with women because it provides the gay man with attention/validation. For the gay/questioning husband, it's also excellent cover to "play straight." 

6. I know figuring him out won't heal me, but I wonder if defining this man might help me banish him and his confusing behaviors from my thoughts so I can better care for myself.

Move on! You're never going to figure him out my friend. Time to focus all of that time, energy, and love on yourself. These men are nothing but emotional black holes.   

7. I am seeking a therapist that might help me take next steps in healing.

Excellent idea. I'd also suggest reaching out to, and perhaps speaking with, fellow straight spouses. That can be much more healing than expensive counselling/therapy. Just a suggestion. 

Be well! 

 

February 28, 2022 3:56 am  #1897


Re: A gay ex-husband answers your questions

PS: Leah you might also wish to discuss this with a trauma therapist or a counsellor with experience in PTSD. Just a thought. Keep coming back friend. For every straight spouse sharing their journey here, I reckon there are 100s or perhaps even 1000s closely following your journeys. Be well! 

 

March 2, 2022 9:00 pm  #1898


Re: A gay ex-husband answers your questions

Hi Sean, 

I had posted in another thread on here but came across your thread and would love your insight/honest opinion on the following: 

My story is pretty in depth but I will try to give the simplest version:  

Flags: 
- Sexless relationship the last few years, when I would ask why.. he said he was tired or I didn't shower enough, but then if I was like let's go do it in the shower he also started to deny that as well etc.
- He never would really come on to me much either
- Never really jealous at all of any guy trying to flirt with me, etc  
- We for sure fell more into roommates than lovers at a point 

Clues when things spiraled: 
- He blamed me for giving him an STD (which when I got tested, I had as well). He had known he had it for over a week prior to saying anything to me. He said he didn't want to discuss who it was with or hear my story, etc he didn't want to discuss any of it. He broke up with me that night but that same night bought me pizza, cuddled me on the couch, etc. 
- The week after that he acted distant but normal, we still went out to eat, etc. then about a week later he flipped out on me and wanted me to stay away from the apt to give him space. I came back to the apartment the next day and there was a bottle of champagne in the trash. 
- A few weeks later his friend (guy) who he would talk about before posted a picture of him "saying happy birthday to the love of my life". It was reposted and then quickly deleted. 
- I then a few weeks later found a receipt that about 3 weeks after the breakup he purchased the following: a flesh light, jeweled butt plugs, lube, and a suction cup dildo (we had never used toys) 
- He was nice to me and friendly up until I confronted him about the toys via text then he completely shut me out 

What confuses me: 
- There were occasions in the beginning of the relationship where we watched lesbian porn together 
- On social media he has followed female model accounts, etc 
- My friend even saw him on tinder for a short period after the breakup 

There is a lot more to the story but in initial thoughts..does gay seem like a possibility? 

Thank you in advance for any thoughts. I can't seem to shake thinking about any of it. 

 

March 3, 2022 12:01 am  #1899


Re: A gay ex-husband answers your questions

Thank you for writing Otter, although I'm so very sorry you've found yourself here. In response to your post/questions: 

1. My story is pretty in depth but I will try to give the simplest version: Flags: 
- Sexless relationship the last few years, when I would ask why.. he said he was tired or I didn't shower enough, but then if I was like let's go do it in the shower he also started to deny that as well etc.
- He never would really come on to me much either
- Never really jealous at all of any guy trying to flirt with me, etc  
- We for sure fell more into roommates than lovers at a point 


I've often written that sexual neglect or sexual starvation is abuse in my opinion. As I shared in an October podcast with OurPath, I believe the biggest red flag in these relationships is the gay/questioning partner's total lack of interest in sex with the opposite sex partner. So everything you've shared suggests he's gay-in-denial (GID). 

2. Clues when things spiraled: - He blamed me for giving him an STD (which when I got tested, I had as well). He had known he had it for over a week prior to saying anything to me. He said he didn't want to discuss who it was with or hear my story, etc he didn't want to discuss any of it. He broke up with me that night but that same night bought me pizza, cuddled me on the couch, etc. 

This is textbook narcissistic script flipping. Clearly he gave you an STD and yet couldn't admit it. Breaking up with you while also cuddling with you is just crazy-making. I'd read up on narcissism or perhaps discuss it with a qualified therapist.  

3. The week after that he acted distant but normal, we still went out to eat, etc. then about a week later he flipped out on me and wanted me to stay away from the apt to give him space. I came back to the apartment the next day and there was a bottle of champagne in the trash. 

What a monster!  

4. A few weeks later his friend (guy) who he would talk about before posted a picture of him "saying happy birthday to the love of my life". It was reposted and then quickly deleted. 

I don't think you need any more proof than that my friend, namely his champagne boyfriend posting "I love you photos" online. 

5. I then a few weeks later found a receipt that about 3 weeks after the breakup he purchased the following: a flesh light, jeweled butt plugs, lube, and a suction cup dildo (we had never used toys). 

Anal toys, lube and a dildo are just more proof that he's closeted/questioning. 

6. He was nice to me and friendly up until I confronted him about the toys via text then he completely shut me out. 

He was punishing you for having boundaries and/or no longer buying into his bullsh*t. I'd suggest listening to my interview: S4 Ep 3: A “Narcissist in Recovery” Gets Real - OurPath. Skip to 17:30 where we discuss red flags and narcissim.  

7. What confuses me: There were occasions in the beginning of the relationship where we watched lesbian porn together. 

I wouldn't fall down the rabbit hole of trying to decipher his porn habits. The facts remain: he refused to have sex with you; he has a boyfriend; and he enjoys anal sex. He's gay. 

8. On social media he has followed female model accounts, etc 

I enjoy Beyoncé and Lady Gaga music/music videos. This doesn't make me straight. Again, he refused to have sex with you; he has a boyfriend; and he enjoys anal sex. He's gay.  

9. My friend even saw him on tinder for a short period after the breakup.  

The key words here are "for a short period." Glad you dropped this toxic closeted *sshole! Again, he refused to have sex with you; he has a boyfriend; and he enjoys anal sex. 

10. There is a lot more to the story but in initial thoughts..does gay seem like a possibility? Thank you in advance for any thoughts. I can't seem to shake thinking about any of it.

He's not just gay my friend, he's bejeweled butt plug gay. The facts don't lie: he refused to have sex with you; he has a boyfriend; and he enjoys anal sex. If you find yourself continuing to obsess about this closeted toxic man, I'd suggest working with a relationship/trauma therapist. 

I hope that helps. Be well! 

Last edited by Sean (March 3, 2022 12:03 am)

 

March 4, 2022 12:23 pm  #1900


Re: A gay ex-husband answers your questions

Hi Sean, 

Thank you for the reply. Sometimes I think I am going crazy going over the details and some of his habits (following new girls on social media) makes me question the sexuality but I appreciate you being honest I am going to continue to try to understand it and seek some therapy as you mentioned. I did go to the podcast and that was helpful as well so thank you. 

 

 

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