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January 31, 2022 1:40 am  #1881


Re: A gay ex-husband answers your questions

SSN interviews: 

INTERVIEW W/LILY (JAN30-22). Lily is a long-time forum member and beloved contributor. She shares about meeting her future husband in a cult, moving to Australia for "love", and how he emotionally abused her for decades. Lily is now divorced, free, and living her best life down under.  

INTERVIEW W/KAY (JAN22-22). Kay (aka "Walkbymyself") shares about spending three decades with her closeted ex-husband, his AIDS scare, and how she found the courage to divorce. 

If you'd like to share your own story, just message me. If you're listening to this interview on a smartphone, you'll need to click the download button (top right of your screen next to the three dots) to start play. Enjoy! 

 

January 31, 2022 6:36 pm  #1882


Re: A gay ex-husband answers your questions

Sean, thank you so much for reaching out and interviewing me - it's been an enjoyable and healing experience.

I can absolutely recommend it, you are good to talk with.

and thank you for your words here - thank you.

 

February 9, 2022 5:40 am  #1883


Re: A gay ex-husband answers your questions

Thanks Lily. Here again are the interview links: 

SSN interviews: 

INTERVIEW W/LILY (JAN30-22). Lily is a long-time forum member and beloved contributor. She shares about meeting her future husband in a cult, moving to Australia for "love", and how he emotionally abused her for decades. Lily is now divorced, free, and living her best life down under.  

INTERVIEW W/KAY (JAN22-22). Kay (aka "Walkbymyself") shares about spending three decades with her closeted ex-husband, his AIDS scare, and how she found the courage to divorce. 

My podcast/interview with Kristin Kalbli from "Our Path": S4 Ep 3: A “Narcissist in Recovery” Gets Real.  

00:00:22 Introductions
00:04:09 My coming out story
00:11:09 Straight wives and sexless marriages
00:17:30 Common red flags (or “pink flags”) with non-straight husbands
00:22:46 Narcissism in gay/straight relationships
00:27:20 Common patterns in gay/straight relationships
00:34:30 Why doesn’t he just say “I’m gay”?
00:36:50 Do questioning/gay-in-denial husbands care about their straight spouses?
00:44:33 Answering the question: “Is my husband gay?”
00:53:13 Closeted men don’t want love, they want approval/recognition
00:54:09 Closeted husbands giving gifts to wives
00:54:56 Tricks closeted men use to distract their wives
01:03:07 Closeted husbands claiming “sexual abuse made me gay”
01:15:55 Signs your questioning/gay-in-denial husband is cheating
01:20:54 Why couples counselling rarely works in gay/straight relationships
01:25:30 When straight wives cheat
01:31:50 Why didn’t my questioning/gay husband let me go?
01:33:40 Why is my straight ex-wife so angry?
01:39:40 Straight spouse: where’s my f*cking pride parade?
01:42:11 My current relationship with ex-wife 

If you'd like to share your own story via an interview, just message me. If you're listening to the above interviews on a smartphone, you'll need to click the download button (top right of your screen next to the three dots) to start play. 

And if any straight spouses have questions for a gay ex-husband, feel free to post them here. Be well! 

Last edited by Sean (February 9, 2022 5:46 am)

 

February 9, 2022 2:09 pm  #1884


Re: A gay ex-husband answers your questions

Thanks for posting these, Sean.  

 

February 13, 2022 10:49 am  #1885


Re: A gay ex-husband answers your questions

My boyfriend 31 yrs old I'm 36 yrs old..of a year an a half does some very strange things.
1. Best friend whom he works with told me out of blue he's bisexual and likes to have anal sex with men.
2. He wants me to peg him "Dominate" him at least 3xs a week.
3. Won't touch my lady part but does like to give oral and doesn't have a problem getting hard.
4. Would never sleep at my house until i made a huge fuss about it and has started to spend the night after 7 months.
5. Let his best friend in #1 move in with him.
6. Went on a trip to NC to see his "best friend"invited me but didn't tell me when he was going until i couldn't request off work. Stayed in a hotel with guy from NC when they went to myrtle Beach for day n did couple outings such as went to beach, out to eat etc..
7. When he got home admitted to me he was molested and would never do that with a man. After i accused him of being romantically involved with #6
8. Is very secretive. My gut tells me something is very off but he's so manipulative and lies about most things.
9. Turned snap chat locator on his phone and was at multiple random houses when i was at work.
10. Catch him looking at and checking out men all the time.. but then it was women to mostly men.
11. Always avoids going to gym with me.
12. Grindr app said there was someone 8 feet away from me when i made an account and we were both home.
13. Another friend he would spend at least 3 to 5 hours with every thurs until i found out he texted him.."hey sexy. "
14. I've asked him if he's bi.. he denies it.. I've asked him if he's gay.  Denies and always says "I'm not betraying you. It's not what you think. I have never cheated on you." But snap chat shows different and so does his actions.. should i leave him? Please help so confused

 

February 13, 2022 7:02 pm  #1886


Re: A gay ex-husband answers your questions

Sorry Sean, I didn't read all 189 pages; but I read a lot. And it has been so very affirming.

I am trying to finalize our divorce now and I am on the fence about something. I want him to at least tell the truth to our daughters. Fourteen year-old point-blank asked him if he's gay and he lied or, maybe, is just gaslighting himself when he said no. Remnants of Exodus International. I hate all these secrets and lies. I have no family. I'm barely making ends meet now with public assistance. I NEED my alimony. If I keep his secret, appease him in that way, I might get the alimony. If I piss him off, I may be in real financial crisis later. I am working hard now and will not always be this tight; but I have to survive right now and will better myself.

I have tried to teach my girls about making boundaries in relationships with each other and with friends and even me in teachable moments. I am hoping they will be able to apply them to their relationship with him when and if they need to. I'm trying to armour them (in subtle ways) to battle the narcissism if necessary.

If it's not too private, was there a moment when you knew it was time to come out to your kids? If he comes clean on his own, maybe he wouldn't withhold my alimony. Am I making sense or is this my codependency at work? Maybe I should just let it play out on its own.

 

February 14, 2022 1:13 am  #1887


Re: A gay ex-husband answers your questions

Thank you for writing. In reply to Shh0406: 

"My boyfriend 31 yrs old I'm 36 yrs old..of a year an a half does some very strange things.
1. Best friend whom he works with told me out of blue he's bisexual and likes to have anal sex with men.
2. He wants me to peg him "Dominate" him at least 3xs a week.
3. Won't touch my lady part but does like to give oral and doesn't have a problem getting hard.
4. Would never sleep at my house until I made a huge fuss about it and has started to spend the night after 7 months.
5. Let his best friend in #1 move in with him.
6. Went on a trip to NC to see his "best friend" invited me but didn't tell me when he was going until I couldn't request off work. Stayed in a hotel with guy from NC when they went to myrtle Beach for day n did couple outings such as went to beach, out to eat etc..
7. When he got home admitted to me he was molested and would never do that with a man. After I accused him of being romantically involved with #6
8. Is very secretive. My gut tells me something is very off but he's so manipulative and lies about most things.
9. Turned snap chat locator on his phone and was at multiple random houses when i was at work.
10. Catch him looking at and checking out men all the time.. but then it was women to mostly men.
11. Always avoids going to gym with me.
12. Grindr app said there was someone 8 feet away from me when i made an account and we were both home.
13. Another friend he would spend at least 3 to 5 hours with every thurs until i found out he texted him.."hey sexy. "
14. I've asked him if he's bi.. he denies it.. I've asked him if he's gay.  Denies and always says "I'm not betraying you. It's not what you think. I have never cheated on you." But snap chat shows different and so does his actions.. should i leave him? Please help so confused." 


Before I comment please get tested for STIs and only practice safe sex with this man. That means condoms condoms condoms when you have sex with him. Now in response to your post.... 

Yes of course you should leave him. Do not marry this loser! And if you want to know why, just re-read the 14 reasons listed above. While he may get to define his own sexuality, only you have the power to define love and intimacy. Just to re-cap your list: 

1. He's on Grindr....a gay sex app. 
2. His co-worker outed him (not unlike a boyfriend would), a co-worker he now lives with.
3. He enjoys anal sex. 
4. He's cheating on you...with men. 
5. He's done the classic "head fake" when confronted about his sexuality by claiming he was molested. Something I discuss at the 1:03:00 mark of this podcast: S4 Ep 3: A “Narcissist in Recovery” Gets Real - OurPath.  

If you define love as monogamy, honesty, trust, and intimacy, clearly this loser is failing at all four. Time to move on I reckon but beware! Whenever straight wives/girlfriends make noises about separation/divorce, these manipulative men often love bomb them back into the relationship by acting like the perfect man. It's called a "honeymoon" phase and it usually lasts about 3-6 months before he goes back to Grindr, lying, and neglect. I'd suggest reading "Co-Dependent No More" or reading the chumplady.com blog. Good luck! 

In response to MyExodus: 

1. Sorry Sean, I didn't read all 189 pages; but I read a lot. And it has been so very affirming.

I recall our earlier exchanges and am glad to have helped in some way. 

2. I am trying to finalize our divorce now and I am on the fence about something. I want him to at least tell the truth to our daughters. Fourteen year-old point-blank asked him if he's gay and he lied or, maybe, is just gaslighting himself when he said no.

I'm going to assume this is the same daughter you wrote about during a previous exchange: 

"My Exodus wrote: But our 13 year-old daughter has figured out an awful lot during the pandemic that she's not directly telling me.  She hints a lot; but will not come out and say it.  She may be the one who outs him.  I hate that she's in that place.  This all makes for a really crappy chump sandwich."

Sean replied: Your poor daughter. Kids are quite technologically savvy these days so I can only assume that she's seen dad's hook up profile, dirty photos, or found his "naughty" collection of toys/underwear. I'd urge you to take your daughter to see a qualified child psychologist so that she can unburden herself with someone safe. Right now she's likely staying tight-lipped because she doesn't want to be responsible for outing her dad and thereby causing her parents to divorce. I'd get her professional help as soon as possible. 


Please let me know if this is the same daughter who discovered dad wasn't straight. If this is the same daughter, I reckon she and the other girls already know dad is gay. In response to your question, I've often asked straight spouses to rank their soon-to-be-ex-husbands or husband's honesty on a scale of 0-10. Zero (0) is a pathalogical liar and ten (10) is Jesus-like honesty. When looking at the entire relationship, most straight spouses rank their husbands at about a 1 or 2, meaning they lied about their sexuality and lied about cheating for most of the relationship. While I'd suggest discussing this with a mental health professional, I reckon your husband is just incapable of being honest about his sexuality. Honesty just isn't a language questioning husbands understand, particularly when they are from Evangelical or Christian communities. So asking him to be honest about his sexuality is akin to asking him to speak Russian with your girls. These are just not languages he understands. Rather than focus on your husband and his lack of honesty, I'd continue working to equip your girls with the tools to deal with a potentially narcissistic or manipulative closted father.   

3. Remnants of Exodus International.

If your husband went through conversion therapy, the subject of the excellent documentary "Pray Away", he now has a grocery list of reasons to explain away his same sex attraction: meaning he's having a very hard time accepting that some people are just born gay. Conversion or reparative therapy seeks to change a person's sexuality and/or wrongly tells LGB people that their natural attraction to the same sex can be curtailed or controlled, not unlike an addiction. While you cannot control your husband, particularly after separation/divorce, you can teach your daughters that people are born gay and that conversion/reparative therapy is bullsh*t. 

4. I hate all these secrets and lies.

Of course! 

5. I have no family. I'm barely making ends meet now with public assistance. I NEED my alimony. If I keep his secret, appease him in that way, I might get the alimony. If I piss him off, I may be in real financial crisis later. I am working hard now and will not always be this tight; but I have to survive right now and will better myself.

I'm sorry you're suffering. This kind of economic domination, whereby a closeted/questioning husband isolated and controls his wife, is actually quite common. (See my above interviews with Kay and Lily.) If your financial security will be at risk if you "out" him, then now is perhaps not the time to provoke him. He will eventually out himself. 

6. I have tried to teach my girls about making boundaries in relationships with each other and with friends and even me in teachable moments. I am hoping they will be able to apply them to their relationship with him when and if they need to. I'm trying to armour them (in subtle ways) to battle the narcissism if necessary.

Well done. But let's be realistic. Straight spouses and teen girls going up against a lifelong narcissist who has been hiding his sexuality since childhood is a bit like a novice pianist suddenly going toe-to-toe with a concert-level pianist. He's just better at hiding his sexuality because he's been doing it all his life. As I suggested last time, I'd ensure your girls are in therapy with a professional who understands both the coming out process and personality disorders like narcissism. 

7. If it's not too private, was there a moment when you knew it was time to come out to your kids?

My ex-wife and I consulted with a child psychologist who recommended the following schedule: 

Separation
Divorce
Living Apart for 1 year
Dad comes out to the kids

8. If he comes clean on his own...

Wishful thinking in my opinion. If your husband's friends, family, and/or church environment are all anti-gay, he may remain closeted forever. Or he might even find another straight partner to act as his new "beard." 

9. ...maybe he wouldn't withhold my alimony. Am I making sense or is this my codependency at work? Maybe I should just let it play out on its own.

If your husband is indeed a narcissist, narcissists thrive on approval/recognition. For example, closeted husbands are often very good at playing the loving husband or doting father when "on stage." So what's my point? There is little for a closted narcissist to gain from withholding alimony from his ex-wife and children because this won't win him continued approval from his friends, family, church, and the legal system. In fact, he's likely terrified of skipping alimony payments because this would result in disapproval, rejection from others, or jail time in some countries. So I would continue to focus on yourself, your own healing, and your daugthers. You could never control your husband nor change his sexuality. And you will have even less control over an ex-husband so I'd suggest working hard with a therapist or perhaps a women's support group (like coda.org) to change the only person you can: you! 

I hope that helps my friend. Please feel free to post again. Be well. 

Last edited by Sean (February 14, 2022 1:50 am)

 

February 16, 2022 4:57 am  #1888


Re: A gay ex-husband answers your questions

INTERVIEW W/CHARLOTTE (FEB16-22). Charlotte (aka "LMM") is a relatively new member to the forum. She bravely shares about being raised by mentally ill parents, being an Evangelical Christian, and why God told her to marry a closeted gay man. Charlotte has recently made the decision to separate/divorce. 

INTERVIEW W/LILY (JAN30-22). Lily is a long-time forum member and beloved contributor. She shares about meeting her future husband in a cult, moving to Australia for "love", and how he emotionally abused her for decades. Lily is now divorced, free, and living her best life down under.  

INTERVIEW W/KAY (JAN22-22). Kay (aka "Walkbymyself") shares about spending three decades with her closeted ex-husband, his AIDS scare, and how she found the courage to divorce. 

If you're listening to the above interviews on a smartphone, you'll need to click the download button (top right of your screen next to the three dots) to start play.

Link to my podcast/interview with Kristin Kalbli from "Our Path": S4 Ep 3: A “Narcissist in Recovery” Gets Real.  

00:00:22 Introductions
00:04:09 My coming out story
00:11:09 Straight wives and sexless marriages
00:17:30 Common red flags (or “pink flags”) with non-straight husbands
00:22:46 Narcissism in gay/straight relationships
00:27:20 Common patterns in gay/straight relationships
00:34:30 Why doesn’t he just say “I’m gay”?
00:36:50 Do questioning/gay-in-denial husbands care about their straight spouses?
00:44:33 Answering the question: “Is my husband gay?”
00:53:13 Closeted men don’t want love, they want approval/recognition
00:54:09 Closeted husbands giving gifts to wives
00:54:56 Tricks closeted men use to distract their wives
01:03:07 Closeted husbands claiming “sexual abuse made me gay”
01:15:55 Signs your questioning/gay-in-denial husband is cheating
01:20:54 Why couples counselling rarely works in gay/straight relationships
01:25:30 When straight wives cheat
01:31:50 Why didn’t my questioning/gay husband let me go?
01:33:40 Why is my straight ex-wife so angry?
01:39:40 Straight spouse: where’s my f*cking pride parade?
01:42:11 My current relationship with ex-wife 

If you'd like to share your own story via an interview, just message me. Be well! 

Last edited by Sean (February 16, 2022 5:03 am)

 

February 16, 2022 9:03 pm  #1889


Re: A gay ex-husband answers your questions

Very good podcast. I haven't listened to any on this topic before. Thanks for sharing.

 

February 17, 2022 7:05 am  #1890


Re: A gay ex-husband answers your questions

Thanks Sean
Ive stopped anything sexual and he keeps asking why. I said because i think ur a cheater. He replied with,  "i love you with all my heart ill be patient. " I'm sure you will!

 

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