Thanks for posting everyone. In reply: 

Shh wrote: Hey Sean, Just wondering if you have ever seen a lump in the perineum area above anus from having forced anal sex? My bfs was clearly swollen on outside but he had no pain.. no redness nothing of that sort?

Perineum = taint. I'm not a doctor so I can't really say my friend. Follow up questions:

1. Why did you use the term forced anal sex? 
2. Why are you inspecting your future-ex-boyfriend's taint?  

Carnation wrote: 

1. My partner recently ended our relationship suddenly saying he isn’t in love with me anymore (but that he’ll always love me) and that he can’t give me what I deserve. He’s been suffering from depression due to what I thought was a bad job situation and a toxic previous relationship.

I'm sorry that you're suffering friend. 

2. I don’t really know if there’s more to it than just those 2 factors, for example perhaps he is questioning his sexuality.

Well, the fact that you're asking questions here is often pretty strong evidence that you think your partner/ex-partner is not straight. Unfortunately, I don't have enough information to determine his sexuality. Sorry. 

3. We did have a very active (and good) sex life. He would initiate most of the time.

Most closeted/questioning husbands have zero interest in sex with their straight partners. If you had an active sex life and he initiated, this suggests he has a sexual attraction to women. 

4. However, he never finished from sex and always needed a hand/blow job to finish. Granted, I never finished from sex alone either, and he would always make sure I was taken care of first before himself.

Again, this does suggest a strong sexual interest in women. 

5. Perhaps some guys just prefer oral/hand jobs?

Perhaps. Question: did he watch a lot of pornography? 

6. I don’t know if I’m overthinking or if you think these might be red flags.

Share away my friend. It's often through sharing that straight wives/partners remember additional details. Be well! 

Sean, thank you so much for taking the time to read through my posts and for such a thoughtful response. I definitely have a tendency to question myself. 

He does perform oral sex on me and seems to enjoy it. I'd say we have sex less than once a week, it's been about a month since we have now. In terms of finding him submissive, he has told me on a few occasions to "take control" or "tell him what to do". When he wanted me to grab his butt, we were kissing with him on top. He physically took my hands and placed them on his butt, implying he wanted me to grab it. Some of his body language just seems submissive at times, like I could totally picture him enjoying being a sub with another man. 

Anyway, I really appreciate all your feedback. You have made some very important points in terms of the relationship in general and I will definitely be reflecting on those further.
 

Hey Sean i should have said rough sex.. not forced..i understand your not a doctor but didn't know if you've heard of this be 4 or if anyone has when they receive to much anal sex? Or to much prostate stimulation. We have sex daily i feel down there and i could tell a difference..i think u sing he's my future ex boyfriend was kind of rude...n i feel like your being a little nasty.. if u don't want to answer the questions or if we straight wives are annoying you.. why are u on here?

Sean, I feel like I am living in a nightmare. My closeted-husband is still insisting I am all he wants. He had at least one affair with a man who sent me dirty pictures of the two of them having sex through my social media accounts as well as sexy text messages, etc. My husband minimizes all this, says it was a one-time identity crisis. There is no way this is true: there were other weird pocket dials, taxi receipts, strange trips. I am convinced we need to divorce, for our health and the health of our children, now 16 and 19, who have overheard a lot and who I am convinced also labor under burdens of shame and fear. 
  But, Chris is going to be mean to me as I try to move to divorce, and I am afraid of that. He can be lacerating, so sharp when he is angry.  And he is going to try to make me look like the bad guy although he is the one who committed infidelity and had to take a restraining order out against the affair partner, who turned into a stalker.  I have tried to be understanding, have not "outed" him to his family or our mutual friends, have found him a counsellor who specializes in LGBTQ/coming out and is himself gay.  I know - you are saying "codependent" but I have tried to hold a mirror up to all of this and bring us to a place of honesty but with no luck. Chris had another burner cell in his backpack last month.  But "all he wants is me". I saw your comment about the wife being like the bartender, also the one about a drowning man pushing someone who swims out under.  It is so hard to know what to do. And, my 19 year old son is really in a dark place with pot, video games and conspiracy theories. Even if some of this is due to Chris's closet, throwing everything into chaos might make it worse in the short term?  I am very stuck, and grateful for any advice, thank you for being here.  
  

Last edited by RoseColoredGlasses (March 8, 2022 2:42 pm)

Thank you for posting. In reply: 

Rose wrote: 

1. Sean, I feel like I am living in a nightmare. My closeted-husband is still insisting I am all he wants. He had at least one affair with a man who sent me dirty pictures of the two of them having sex through my social media accounts as well as sexy text messages, etc.

Wow. I'm so sorry you went through all of this. 

2. My husband minimizes all this, says it was a one-time identity crisis. There is no way this is true: there were other weird pocket dials, taxi receipts, strange trips.

Cheating is a bit like an iceberg...9/10ths is often under water. 

3. I am convinced we need to divorce, for our health and the health of our children, now 16 and 19, who have overheard a lot and who I am convinced also labor under burdens of shame and fear. 
 
I'm sorry to read this. Our children are often the silent victims of toxic marriages. 

4. But, Chris [husband] is going to be mean to me as I try to move to divorce, and I am afraid of that. He can be lacerating, so sharp when he is angry. 

Anger is a form of control in my opinion. What you've shared suggests an abusive relationship, something you should perhaps explore with a professional. 

5. And he is going to try to make me look like the bad guy although he is the one who committed infidelity and had to take a restraining order out against the affair partner, who turned into a stalker. 

There is a very good chance that he's already maneuvering against you. Closeted husbands often try to paint their wives as crazy or overly emotional because it provides us with cover, particularly when she's making noises about separation/divorce. 

6. I have tried to be understanding, have not "outed" him to his family or our mutual friends, have found him a counsellor who specializes in LGBTQ/coming out and is himself gay.  I know - you are saying "codependent"...

Question: what's he doing to support you? 

7. ...but I have tried to hold a mirror up to all of this and bring us to a place of honesty but with no luck.

I'm so very sorry. As I've posted here and shared in countless interviews, honesty just isn't a language the closeted husband understands. When I ask straight spouses to grade their husbands on an honesty scale - with 0/10 being pathalogically dishonest and 10/10 being Jesus-like honesty - most wives give closted/questioning husbands something like a 2/10. Going forward, straight spouses can then tell themselves that 20% of what he's saying is true or conversely that 80% of what he's saying is false, particularly when he's blathering on about his sexuality. We're not bad people, it's just that we've been hiding our sexualities since around ages 5 or 6. Another example: if he got caught sleeping with just 1-2 men, you can muliply that x8 based on his honesty score. I discuss this and similar issues in my recent interview S4 Ep 3: A “Narcissist in Recovery” Gets Real - OurPath.    

8. Chris had another burner cell in his backpack last month. 

Again, cheating is like an iceberg: 9/10ths is often under water. 

9. But "all he wants is me". I saw your comment about the wife being like the bartender, also the one about a drowning man pushing someone who swims out under.  It is so hard to know what to do.

You've made a good start by posting here. I'd also urge you to contact "Our Path" and perhaps seek professional help. I also think you're justified in sharing all of this with a trusted friend or family member. 

10. And, my 19 year old son is really in a dark place with pot, video games and conspiracy theories. Even if some of this is due to Chris's closet, throwing everything into chaos might make it worse in the short term? 

Question: would you just "give it a little more time" if your house were on fire? Of course not. You'd get yourself and the kids the f*ck out. My kids starting healing once they were out of our burning wreck of a fake marriage. I've been posting here for years and I can tell you with some confidence that tech-savvy kids know all of dad's little secrets. Often the reason they're acting out is because they can't deal with the pressure of living in dad's closet.   

11. I am very stuck, and grateful for any advice, thank you for being here.  

We're only as sick as our secrets friend. Again I'd suggest: 

- reading this forum's "first aid" kit
- contacting "Our Path" to get support
- sharing your story with trusted friends/family
- get yourself professional help, not couples' counselling
- be prepared for his final push to assert control over you and your marriage: a honeymoon phase; some bullsh*t story about sexual abuse; and finally abusive behaviour. 

Good luck my friend and please feel free to post again.  

Annie wrote:

1. Thank you Sean. Reading through your responses gives me a sense of relief.

Glad to have helped but please keep in mind that not too long ago, I was also a monstrous closeted husband. 

2. Sorry to keep bugging, but just want to add that the penetrative sex is less than once a week, oral often several.

Thank you for answering my question. You're still having more PIV sex than most straight wives who are 40+ years old. Many first-time contributors come to this forum not having had sex with their husbands for years. 

3. In the beginning I thought it was so odd, when we were young and first dating, that he would almost always prefer oral in situations where we had the the privacy to have piv [penis-in-vagina sex].

That's a red flag in my opinion. 

4. I've been seeing a therapist for many years. My depression & anxiety had never been worse in the first few months of dating when I was trying to figure out what the heck was going on. Sigh!

I personally don't define love as paralysing depression/anxiety. I applaud you for having a therapist but would encourage you to contact "Our Path" and also speak with fellow straight spouses. I know from experience that a one-hour conversation with a fellow member can be life-changing. 

Thank you both for sharing. Be well! 

Last edited by Sean (March 9, 2022 2:47 am)