Hi Sean.  Thank you for your posts.  My story is here, and I read frequently.  I don't post often. This has been the only source of validation, and relief from the loneliness that being a straight spouse of a bi? gay? trans? man brings, since I left my X in April of 2019.  Even though we're divorced now and I rarely see him (he never speaks when we do - I never existed, I guess) I'm still trying to understand what happened to me.  Often that quest veers off into trying to figure out what his actual sexual orientation was.  In the years that I tried to be supportive and open-minded and provide him with someone to talk to, he would only go so far as to say that he "might be bi-curious".  So here are some things I wonder about, and that you might have some insight into.   
1. Is crossdressing common among gay men?  It was the first thing he revealed to me shortly after we married. (All those heels he urged me to buy because I would be so sexy in them, were really for him.)
2. Do gay men sometimes resort to begging their wives to have sex with another man claiming it would be such a turn on to watch, when it might be just a way to gain proximity to another man and still preserve the illusion of being straight?
3. When he started contacting other men online, he was very interested in finding someone else who also wanted to dress and have "gurl" time, and he would share his gurl name with them.
4. He obsessively watched so-called "sissy" porn, and wrote elaborate "stories" about such activities to other men online in the wee hours of the morning when I was asleep.  To me, the things he wrote were sickening - involving pain and humiliation, often inflicted by a woman, but it was clear they turned him on.  
5. He often engaged in ostentatious flirtation with our mutual female friends. Is this part of maintaining cover and a masculine image?

I know figuring him out won't heal me, but I wonder if defining this man might help me banish him and his confusing behaviors from my thoughts so I can better care for myself. I am seeking a therapist that might help me take next steps in healing.

Thank you, Sean.


 

PS: Leah you might also wish to discuss this with a trauma therapist or a counsellor with experience in PTSD. Just a thought. Keep coming back friend. For every straight spouse sharing their journey here, I reckon there are 100s or perhaps even 1000s closely following your journeys. Be well! 

Thank you for writing Otter, although I'm so very sorry you've found yourself here. In response to your post/questions: 

1. My story is pretty in depth but I will try to give the simplest version: Flags: 
- Sexless relationship the last few years, when I would ask why.. he said he was tired or I didn't shower enough, but then if I was like let's go do it in the shower he also started to deny that as well etc.
- He never would really come on to me much either
- Never really jealous at all of any guy trying to flirt with me, etc  
- We for sure fell more into roommates than lovers at a point 

I've often written that sexual neglect or sexual starvation is abuse in my opinion. As I shared in an October podcast with OurPath, I believe the biggest red flag in these relationships is the gay/questioning partner's total lack of interest in sex with the opposite sex partner. So everything you've shared suggests he's gay-in-denial (GID). 

2. Clues when things spiraled: - He blamed me for giving him an STD (which when I got tested, I had as well). He had known he had it for over a week prior to saying anything to me. He said he didn't want to discuss who it was with or hear my story, etc he didn't want to discuss any of it. He broke up with me that night but that same night bought me pizza, cuddled me on the couch, etc. 

This is textbook narcissistic script flipping. Clearly he gave you an STD and yet couldn't admit it. Breaking up with you while also cuddling with you is just crazy-making. I'd read up on narcissism or perhaps discuss it with a qualified therapist.  

3. The week after that he acted distant but normal, we still went out to eat, etc. then about a week later he flipped out on me and wanted me to stay away from the apt to give him space. I came back to the apartment the next day and there was a bottle of champagne in the trash. 

What a monster!  

4. A few weeks later his friend (guy) who he would talk about before posted a picture of him "saying happy birthday to the love of my life". It was reposted and then quickly deleted. 

I don't think you need any more proof than that my friend, namely his champagne boyfriend posting "I love you photos" online. 

5. I then a few weeks later found a receipt that about 3 weeks after the breakup he purchased the following: a flesh light, jeweled butt plugs, lube, and a suction cup dildo (we had never used toys). 

Anal toys, lube and a dildo are just more proof that he's closeted/questioning. 

6. He was nice to me and friendly up until I confronted him about the toys via text then he completely shut me out. 

He was punishing you for having boundaries and/or no longer buying into his bullsh*t. I'd suggest listening to my interview: S4 Ep 3: A “Narcissist in Recovery” Gets Real - OurPath. Skip to 17:30 where we discuss red flags and narcissim.  

7. What confuses me: There were occasions in the beginning of the relationship where we watched lesbian porn together. 

I wouldn't fall down the rabbit hole of trying to decipher his porn habits. The facts remain: he refused to have sex with you; he has a boyfriend; and he enjoys anal sex. He's gay. 

8. On social media he has followed female model accounts, etc 

I enjoy Beyoncé and Lady Gaga music/music videos. This doesn't make me straight. Again, he refused to have sex with you; he has a boyfriend; and he enjoys anal sex. He's gay.  

9. My friend even saw him on tinder for a short period after the breakup.  

The key words here are "for a short period." Glad you dropped this toxic closeted *sshole! Again, he refused to have sex with you; he has a boyfriend; and he enjoys anal sex. 

10. There is a lot more to the story but in initial thoughts..does gay seem like a possibility? Thank you in advance for any thoughts. I can't seem to shake thinking about any of it.

He's not just gay my friend, he's bejeweled butt plug gay. The facts don't lie: he refused to have sex with you; he has a boyfriend; and he enjoys anal sex. If you find yourself continuing to obsess about this closeted toxic man, I'd suggest working with a relationship/trauma therapist. 

I hope that helps. Be well! 

Last edited by Sean (March 3, 2022 12:03 am)

Sean, thanks for being an open book. In year 24 of marriage, at least half sexless, I discovered (he did not have the consideration or love for me to tell me) that my ex was a crossdresser who got off as he dressed in very vampy intimate apparel including attachable fake boobs, masks (were there others with him?) and mens sz 12 platform glitter shoes. He begged me to keep this a secret which I have. But now I’m in counseling I see the trauma and abuse. He denied being gay and was firm with me and a marriage counselor that he was hetero. I have memories of “moments of clarity” for me — the night he called to say the boat he was on “with a work client” ran aground so he’d be home much later than expected. These moments of clarity haunt me. He’s now with another woman and honestly I feel terrible for her. And I don’t believe anything that comes out of his mouth. What are the chances he’s GID v. A hetero crossdresser v. Man wishing to be a woman? BTW we’re divorced now (almost 6 years) and I’m trying to heal, really trying, and have made progress but there are times when my anger surges to the brim of insanity. We have three sons who are young adults now and live independently. I’ve never told them the truth—just veiled truth—“your father betray me”—but I think I’m gearing up to have the discussion with them in the safety of one of my counseling sessions. I’m realizing that’s the last thread—to stop protecting him and speak MY truth within our family.

Thanks for sharing Gloria and Toward the Light (TTL). In reply to TTL: 

1. In year 24 of marriage, at least half sexless, I discovered (he did not have the consideration or love for me to tell me) that my ex was a crossdresser who got off as he dressed in very vampy intimate apparel including attachable fake boobs, masks (were there others with him?) and mens sz 12 platform glitter shoes.

Wow. I want to disclose that I'm not a crossdresser nor do I have any experience whatsoever with cross dressing.  

2. He begged me to keep this a secret which I have.

Understandable. 

3. But now I’m in counseling I see the trauma and abuse. He denied being gay and was firm with me and a marriage counselor that he was hetero.

As I've shared in previous posts, husbands who have a history of cheating, secret keeping, and pathological dishonesty are the worst people to define their own sexualities.  

4. I have memories of “moments of clarity” for me — the night he called to say the boat he was on “with a work client” ran aground so he’d be home much later than expected. These moments of clarity haunt me.

I reckon flashbacks or "moments of clarity" are signs that you were in an abusive relationship. 

5. He’s now with another woman and honestly I feel terrible for her.

Don't contact her. 

6. And I don’t believe anything that comes out of his mouth.

Agreed! 

7. What are the chances he’s GID v. A hetero crossdresser v. Man wishing to be a woman?

I'm 100% certain this *sshole was a terrible husband, a crossdresser, and refused to have sex with you. That's more than enough without going down the rabbit hole of trying to define his sexuality/kinks post divorce. It's time to move on. 

8. BTW we’re divorced now (almost 6 years)...

Good!

9. and I’m trying to heal, really trying, and have made progress but there are times when my anger surges to the brim of insanity.

Totally understandable and I'm happy you're in therapy. I'd also suggest joining an Our Path support group or perhaps another support group for ex-wives of abusive husbands.  

10. We have three sons who are young adults now and live independently. I’ve never told them the truth—just veiled truth—“your father betray me”—but I think I’m gearing up to have the discussion with them in the safety of one of my counseling sessions.

I always operate from the standpoint that tech-savvy kids already know everything. I mean didn't we know everything about our own parents? Quite often the kids feel the need to remain silent to protect their moms. I say have at it and disclose everything to them. You'll feel much better and they'll likely be able to support you. 

11. I’m realizing that’s the last thread—to stop protecting him and speak MY truth within our family.

Good for you. I agree that you're no longer his protector nor his keeper of secrets. I would however be mindful that your husband might have spent the last six years telling your kids, friends, and family that you're crazy. It's quite common for questioning/closeted husbands to discredit future ex-wives as cover for their own secret lives. I'd also urge you to explore co-dependency with your therapist or perhaps via coda.org. Many of these men are narcissists who prey on kind, caring wives. 

Thanks again for sharing and please feel free to post again if you like. Be well! 

Last edited by Sean (March 6, 2022 12:12 pm)