OurPath Open Forum
This forum is for discussion of issues related to Mixed Orientation relationships only, that is when one partner is heterosexual (straight) and one is Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender or Questioning.
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- Sean
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Re: A gay ex-husband answers your questions
Thank you for writing Helpme25. In reply:
"Hi Sean I wanna know your thoughts on my husband I know he’s gay but what is your input. I found texts between my husband and his gay friend my husband said ‘bring that ass’ the friend replied with wow you want it again. Another text of my husband saying he is dying to put his soft cock in him. And lastly my husband texted ‘Let me know if your ready to get some hot cock and rock action and get that little ass pounded right.’ I should call it my husband’s boyfriend."
Wow. Well I don't know of many straight husbands who so openly text about 'ass pounding' with other men. I wasn't sure what input you wanted but I'm happy to share a few thoughts. (I've skimmed your original posts so I have a bit of context.) First, I'd encourage you to read this forum's First Aid Kit OurPath (formerly SSN) Open Forum » First Aid Kit: How to survive finding out your partner is LGBT (boardhost.com). Second, I recommend speaking to someone at the SSN/Our Path Personal Support - OurPath. I've also read in your posts that you're about 4-5 months from having his baby, while at the same time planning to consult with a divorce lawyer. I hope I have my facts straight.
While I'm not a mental health professional, I echo many of the suggestions fellow members have made on your thread OurPath (formerly SSN) Open Forum » WHAT DO I DO. Here's my two cents:
1. Your husband is clearly gay.
2. Your husband is a top, meaning he penetrates other men.
3. He appears to have a long-term lover/boyfriend, a boyfriend he likely had before you were married.
4. His boyfriend is a bottom, meaning he is penetrated during sex with your husband.
5. Reading your original post, your relationship has followed a common pattern for gay/straight marriages. You wrote:
a. Early sexual disconnect/disappointment: The night we got married he acted as if he didn’t fit inside me tried again the next morning he did the same he would do other things to me such as fingering and oral sex he wouldn’t let me touch him or give him oral this went on for a while.
b. A gay "friend": He had this friend who definitely was gay this ‘friend’ would call and text NON STOP until he answered over and over and over they would always text and talk to eachother one time they go on a business trip together my husband comes home the friend calls i answer it because my husband was in the bathroom the friend tells me he wants to fuck my husband and that he wants to marry him but he is laughing while he says this me jokingly says well you had him for a few days now it’s my turn. This was inn the beginning of marriage they would always joke with eachother and the friend would tell him that he wanted to suck his dick n they would laugh and play it off.
c. Acting "Straight" When on Stage: 3 months later I go to visit my family with my husband of course oh I forgot to mention I was still a virgin within that 3 months of marriage I waited til marriage to have sex. I go to visit my family all of a sudden he has sex with me and claims he wants me and he was really hard for me however he wouldnt do these things at home, would never initiate sex or would turn me down this just made me feel like he knew what he needed to do to get me to come home with him?
d. Finding Gay Porn: Anyway 3 months later I find gay porn in his phone I never said anything to him because I just can’t get the words out when I look at him it’s just so hurtful.
e. Sex/Intimacy Stops: He went over a 1 year of not doing anything with me, when I would try to put lingere on he would always make fun of me and just put me down there were stories that I heard that he has had secret boyfriends in the past before our marriage anyway, the sex hasn’t really gotten better fast forwarding to now we have a child together and one on the way we only had sex twice within conceiving
Both children I can say we only had sex around 15-20 maybe less times in the 4 years of marriage he got soft while I was on top riding him but he really enjoyed anal sex however that was only once because I didn’t enjoy it well I can go on and on but I think that is it for now
6. I wouldn't recommend confronting your husband about all of this until you have fully planned your exit. And by "fully planned" I mean that you: have a lawyer; have another place to live; and have financial means if he cuts you off. Based on my own experience and after years of posting here, closeted husbands often act very strangely when wives threaten divorce and/or threaten to out them. As others have suggested, I would keep all of your proof (like these text messages) safe because you might need such proof in divorce proceedings. I would also be prepared for the following if you openly discuss separation/divorce: a short 'honeymoon' phase during which he'll try to win you back by acting like a loving husband; renewed attempts at intimacy; he might bring up a sexual abuse history that he's never discussed before. Again, I wouldn't suggest confronting him until you have made your decision to stay or go.
Given what you've shared about the lack of intimacy, more or less openly having a boyfriend, his boyfriend being a complete *sshole to you, and his cruel/mocking behaviour that you wore lingerie, your husband sounds like he's mentally unstable so please be careful. I hope that helps but please feel free to post again.
Be well!
- Helpme25
- Member
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Re: A gay ex-husband answers your questions
Sean wrote:
Thank you for writing Helpme25. In reply:
"Hi Sean I wanna know your thoughts on my husband I know he’s gay but what is your input. I found texts between my husband and his gay friend my husband said ‘bring that ass’ the friend replied with wow you want it again. Another text of my husband saying he is dying to put his soft cock in him. And lastly my husband texted ‘Let me know if your ready to get some hot cock and rock action and get that little ass pounded right.’ I should call it my husband’s boyfriend."
Wow. Well I don't know of many straight husbands who so openly text about 'ass pounding' with other men. I wasn't sure what input you wanted but I'm happy to share a few thoughts. (I've skimmed your original posts so I have a bit of context.) First, I'd encourage you to read this forum's First Aid Kit OurPath (formerly SSN) Open Forum » First Aid Kit: How to survive finding out your partner is LGBT (boardhost.com). Second, I recommend speaking to someone at the SSN/Our Path Personal Support - OurPath. I've also read in your posts that you're about 4-5 months from having his baby, while at the same time planning to consult with a divorce lawyer. I hope I have my facts straight.
While I'm not a mental health professional, I echo many of the suggestions fellow members have made on your thread OurPath (formerly SSN) Open Forum » WHAT DO I DO. Here's my two cents:
1. Your husband is clearly gay.
2. Your husband is a top, meaning he penetrates other men.
3. He appears to have a long-term lover/boyfriend, a boyfriend he likely had before you were married.
4. His boyfriend is a bottom, meaning he is penetrated during sex with your husband.
5. Reading your original post, your relationship has followed a common pattern for gay/straight marriages. You wrote:
a. Early sexual disconnect/disappointment: The night we got married he acted as if he didn’t fit inside me tried again the next morning he did the same he would do other things to me such as fingering and oral sex he wouldn’t let me touch him or give him oral this went on for a while.
b. A gay "friend": He had this friend who definitely was gay this ‘friend’ would call and text NON STOP until he answered over and over and over they would always text and talk to eachother one time they go on a business trip together my husband comes home the friend calls i answer it because my husband was in the bathroom the friend tells me he wants to fuck my husband and that he wants to marry him but he is laughing while he says this me jokingly says well you had him for a few days now it’s my turn. This was inn the beginning of marriage they would always joke with eachother and the friend would tell him that he wanted to suck his dick n they would laugh and play it off.
c. Acting "Straight" When on Stage: 3 months later I go to visit my family with my husband of course oh I forgot to mention I was still a virgin within that 3 months of marriage I waited til marriage to have sex. I go to visit my family all of a sudden he has sex with me and claims he wants me and he was really hard for me however he wouldnt do these things at home, would never initiate sex or would turn me down this just made me feel like he knew what he needed to do to get me to come home with him?
d. Finding Gay Porn: Anyway 3 months later I find gay porn in his phone I never said anything to him because I just can’t get the words out when I look at him it’s just so hurtful.
e. Sex/Intimacy Stops: He went over a 1 year of not doing anything with me, when I would try to put lingere on he would always make fun of me and just put me down there were stories that I heard that he has had secret boyfriends in the past before our marriage anyway, the sex hasn’t really gotten better fast forwarding to now we have a child together and one on the way we only had sex twice within conceiving
Both children I can say we only had sex around 15-20 maybe less times in the 4 years of marriage he got soft while I was on top riding him but he really enjoyed anal sex however that was only once because I didn’t enjoy it well I can go on and on but I think that is it for now
6. I wouldn't recommend confronting your husband about all of this until you have fully planned your exit. And by "fully planned" I mean that you: have a lawyer; have another place to live; and have financial means if he cuts you off. Based on my own experience and after years of posting here, closeted husbands often act very strangely when wives threaten divorce and/or threaten to out them. As others have suggested, I would keep all of your proof (like these text messages) safe because you might need such proof in divorce proceedings. I would also be prepared for the following if you openly discuss separation/divorce: a short 'honeymoon' phase during which he'll try to win you back by acting like a loving husband; renewed attempts at intimacy; he might bring up a sexual abuse history that he's never discussed before. Again, I wouldn't suggest confronting him until you have made your decision to stay or go.
Given what you've shared about the lack of intimacy, more or less openly having a boyfriend, his boyfriend being a complete *sshole to you, and his cruel/mocking behaviour that you wore lingerie, your husband sounds like he's mentally unstable so please be careful. I hope that helps but please feel free to post again.
Be well!
Thank you so much for your response I appreciate your advice ❤️
- Can’t_make_this_up
- Member
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Re: A gay ex-husband answers your questions
Gay Ex -
I’d like your opinion. In August my 60 year old husband of 33 years devastated my and my daughter’s lives by having sex with my daughter and her fiancé’s 23 year old male (supposed) friend in a very risky way while the house was full of sleeping people. The situation is actually much worse that that but that gives you a little background.
For the last two decades my husband claimed to not have a sex drive so was not sleeping with me. I never had any inkling that he was attracted to men. I realize now it was the wrong decision, but I stayed with him because I thought it was better for my daughter.
Here’s my question. Initially I asked him are you gay or bi and he said ‘I don’t know’. My response was to tell him that he wasn’t straight because straight men don’t have sex with men. So now he says he is bi because he still finds women attractive. I said I think women are attractive too but I don’t want to have sex with them. He absolutely denies that he is gay. But as I look back on the years, all I can think of is that he must be gay. I simply can’t believe that any straight man with a sex drive - which he obviously has even though he lied about it - would have been at least some times having sex with his ready and willing wife. And these decades cover periods of time when I was in my best shape ever so it’s not as though I was never attractive.
He also denied me any other physical affection such as hugging or cuddling. Again, it was the wrong decision for me to stay but I never thought he would cheat on me.
So I want your opinion - is he actually gay. I really think he is and is in denial about it. I would after all the lies for all the years like at least one modicum of truth. But I just can’t get it
Thanks for reading.
- Gloria
- Member
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Re: A gay ex-husband answers your questions
So sorry that you find yourself in this situation. I do believe that he is gay.
- Can’t_make_this_up
- Member
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Re: A gay ex-husband answers your questions
So sorry that you find yourself in this situation. I do believe that he is gay.
I think so too Gloria.
- walkbymyself
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Re: A gay ex-husband answers your questions
My husband claimed to be "bi" after he was confronted -- I think it just allows them to delude themselves into believing they're not complete monsters. But he was not "bi", no matter what he claimed.
Relinquere fraudator, vitam lucrari.
- winnie340
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Re: A gay ex-husband answers your questions
Defintely gay!!!! Cant_make_this_up_... I know it sucks, and a punch in the gut doesn't even TOUCH how discovery/revelation feels... Time to move on for you.. I know how impossible it may seem, but you can do it... I never would have believed that 10 years ago.. but I promise you... You can do it... Our generation, "Generation X" was brought up in the era of AIDS.. Gay was gross, disgusting and unacceptable.. I can't even begin to list all of the homophobic insults I have said over the years, to my GAY HUSBAND... of course never ever thinking HE actually was!! It's not surprising to me, that he could never reveal such feelings... It's a long road... but you will make it.. Once you see life clearly, a whole new world opens up..
- Can’t_make_this_up
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Re: A gay ex-husband answers your questions
Thank you Winnie. I agree. My house goes up for sale next week and am filing for dissolution in January (need the $ for the attorney). What really stinks is that every attorney I have talked to told me the same thing - I am going to be paying him nearly half my salary in spousal support. Long story but he is on disability did mental illness and has done nothing to try to help improve it.
- Sean
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Re: A gay ex-husband answers your questions
Thank you everyone for posting. In reply to Can'tmakethis up:
1. I’d like your opinion. In August my 60 year old husband of 33 years devastated my and my daughter’s lives by having sex with my daughter and her fiancé’s 23 year old male (supposed) friend in a very risky way while the house was full of sleeping people. The situation is actually much worse that that but that gives you a little background.
Wow. Please clarify: your husband had sex with your daughter and her [male] fiancé's friend? If that's true, I reckon he's combined cheating; incest; and gay sex. That's quite the combo. I can't imagine how much worse it gets but please feel free to post additional details.
2. For the last two decades my husband claimed to not have a sex drive so was not sleeping with me. I never had any inkling that he was attracted to men. I realize now it was the wrong decision, but I stayed with him because I thought it was better for my daughter.
It's not uncommon for the questioning/closeted husband to stop having sex with his wife in his 40s. It's often a combination of mid-life crisis, cheating with men, and an underlying fear of giving his wife an STD/STI.
3. Here’s my question. Initially I asked him are you gay or bi and he said ‘I don’t know’. My response was to tell him that he wasn’t straight because straight men don’t have sex with men. So now he says he is bi because he still finds women attractive.
Ok. So a good follow-up question by the straight spouse would be: "If you find women attractive, why aren't we having sex?" For me personally, I don't think it helps when a cheating-with-men husband in a sexless marriage labels himself bisexual because that simply means, "Yes I'm sexually attracted to women, yes I'm having sex, but I'm choosing to have sex with men rather than with you (my wife)." It doesn't make any sense but such is the circular logic of the questioning husband.
4. I said I think women are attractive too but I don’t want to have sex with them.
Well said!
5. He absolutely denies that he is gay. But as I look back on the years, all I can think of is that he must be gay. I simply can’t believe that any straight man with a sex drive - which he obviously has even though he lied about it - would have been at least some times having sex with his ready and willing wife.
Agree!
6. And these decades cover periods of time when I was in my best shape ever so it’s not as though I was never attractive.
Gay men like me don't have sex with women because there isn't any sexual attraction. It has nothing to do with their appearance, age, libido etc. It's just a square-peg-round-hole type thing. Straight people don't have sex with the same sex for similar reasons. I'm saddened that this broken man has made you doubt yourself. That's not marriage.
7. He also denied me any other physical affection such as hugging or cuddling. Again, it was the wrong decision for me to stay but I never thought he would cheat on me.
This is common and it was my experience as well. I never felt comfortable being intimate with my ex-wife...BECAUSE I'M GAY.
8. So I want your opinion - is he actually gay. I really think he is and is in denial about it. I would after all the lies for all the years like at least one modicum of truth. But I just can’t get it.
I reckon his sexuality is secondary, if this happened:
"He [had] sex with my daughter and her fiancé’s 23 year old male (supposed) friend in a very risky way while the house was full of sleeping people."
Having a threesome with a daughter (or step-daughter) is perhaps a sign of mental illness, to a point that there is little reason to continue debating anything with such a toxic man. Given the few facts you've shared above, I really don't see a positive outcome if you choose to remain with a cheating, mentally ill husband in a sexless and highly toxic marriage. How is your daughter by the way? Please feel free to post a reply.
Be well.
Last edited by Sean (November 13, 2021 1:00 am)