Good day friends. I thought about this the other day. Most straight wives who post here find themselves in broken, toxic, and often abusive marriages...before the gay thing (TGT) blows up. Sadly, once the TGT is out in the open, gay-in-denial husbands (GIDHs) then do everything they can to distract from the main issue: gay/straight marriages simply don't work. (Not bi/straight marriages mind you before the bi/MOM brigade jumps down my throat again.)

Let's use a housing metaphor. Imagine your house's foundation is cracked and, as such, your house is at risk of imminent collapse. So what do you do? You talk to your husband of course. "Honey, our foundation is cracked." Imagine if he reacted like this:

1. It's not cracked. (gaslight/denial)
2. It's only a little crack. (minimization)
3. It's only cracked because you do so much laundry in the basement. (blame shift)
4. Wait the roof is on fire. (distract)
5. Let's build a swimming pool! (denial/distract) 

Sadly, the wife then gets distracted by the roof fire and swimming pool...without really discussing the main issue: a cracked foundation. Let's now translate this into a straight spouse confronting her husband about cheating, gay porn, or a lack of sex. This is how most GIDHs react:  

1. I'm NOT gay. (gaslight/denial)
2. I was just curious (gay porn). It was just a blowjob (sex). It only happened once (sex). (minimization)
3. We don't have sex because you [insert lame excuse here like "you gained weight"]. (blame shift)
4. I'm the victim of sexual abuse. (distract)
5. Let's have an open marriage...so I can f*ck men while still married to you. (denial/distract) 

So what's my point? Don't get distracted. I urge straight spouses to focus on the two most important things first: you (the straight spouse) and your children (if any). Sadly, throwing yourself into fixing a beyond broken husband does little to improve your life and often distracts from the main issue: is this damaged man capable of making you happy.

What follows is a kind of "hits" list of things gay-in-denial husbands (GIDHs) say and how I suggest you respond. 

1. Husband: I am NOT gay!
Straight Spouse: Ok. How would you define the sexuality of a man who watches gay porn, has sex with men, and no longer has sex with women? 

2. Husband: I'm bisexual.  
Straight Spouse: I understand. So bisexual means an attraction to both women and men, correct? So when was the last time you had sex with a woman (either with me or during an affair with another woman)? 

3. Husband: I was abused!  
Straight spouse: I'm so sorry you suffered. Is the abuse why you're watching gay porn, have an anal fetish, and cheat on me with men? 

4. Husband: We need couples' counselling! 
Straight spouse: I agree. But I think you should first spend 3-6 months working through your abuse and sexual orientation issues alone. Once you've resolved your personal issues, which I think you'd agree have nothing to do with me, perhaps we can then start working on our relationship. Here is a list of qualified therapists specialized in these areas so you can book an appointment. I'll look for a couples counsellor who we can see together after you've worked through your issues. 

5. Husband: It [cheating with a man] happened once and it didn't mean anything!
Straight spouse: I believe you but I need to understand what exactly happened. Please walk me through the timeline before you met up with this guy. Let's start from the beginning... [Note: by having him walk you through the timeline of how he hooked up with this guy, you'll understand that it was far from "spontaneous." Let's take the gay hook up app Grindr for example: he had to register; create a profile; take racy photos; select photos; upload photos to the app; turn on the app; exchange messages with dozens of guys; have a long conversation with said guy; exchange photos; more texts; set a date/time; buy condoms/lube; re-confirm hook up appointment; shower/douche; bring condoms/lube; go to hook up appointment; have sex; and then shower again.]      

6. Husband: I want to try a threesome! 
Straight spouse: What a great idea! I've always wanted another woman to join us in the bedroom and you're bisexual so that's your fantasy as well. Let me think of some potential female partners. (Please record his reaction when you suggest a woman.)  

Please feel free to share bizarre things your questioning husbands have said and I'll happily post some suggested replies. Be well!

Last edited by Sean (April 9, 2021 6:01 am)

Thank you for posting oliviap. In reply: 

1. Hi Sean, I have a question about bizarre behaviour regarding my STBX. He used to get an erection every time he bathed our son as a baby.

Bizarre, troubling, and monstrous. 

2. I confronted him with this at the time and he explained to me that he got an erection because he is so proud to be a father.

I disagree. I'd discuss all of this with a qualified therapist. 

3. Our daughter was born 2 years later and I specifically noticed that he did not get an erection when bathing her. I do not have any reason to believe that he abused our son sexually at any time forward.

Again a qualified therapist might be able to explain this.  

4. He confessed to be gay only 7 months ago at the age of 61 years. It was a complete shock for me but, in retrospection, I now know that I missed many red flags - we were married for 38 years and together for 42 years.

Well I think this is another huge red flag. If I remember correctly, most pedophiles are straight, not gay, so there has never been a direct, proven link between pedophilia and homosexuality. I do recall my ex-wife indirectly telling me to "watch out" when our children were around my gay friends. She became quite religious at the end of our relationship so I reckon she was repeating the long-debunked Catholic church trope that homosexual = pedophile. I reminded her that, statistically-speaking, our kids were at greater risk being around Catholic priests than they were with my gay friends. After all, my gay friends were open about their sexuality and weren't pretending to be celibate. That apparently ended the debate.    

5. Question: can an erection be caused by being proud of your baby?

In my opinion no, but I'd suggest discussing this with a qualified therapist. Please post again if you have more questions. 

Hi there Confused. You wrote: 

Q: If my husband transitions to a woman does that make him a lesbian because he still likes women? Does that make me a lesbian?

A: Where's my 10-foot pole! I have zero experience with male-to-female trans relationships so I'll let a member who has been through this answer the first question. With regards to you being a lesbian, I think Dr. Joe Kort has a great checklist when it comes to your question, namely: 

1. As a young child, do you remember feeling an attraction towards other girls or women in general? 
2. These days, when you're at the beach do you prefer to look at women or men?
3. Do you fantasize sexually about men or women? 

If your answers are: 

1. No. 
2. Men. 
3. Men. 

Then I reckon you're a straight spouse attracted to men. Hopefully some fellow members will post as well. Take care! 

Ex wife of a trans identified male here.  When my now ex announced he was "a woman in a man's body," he also decided he was a lesbian, and expected me to "identify" as one, too.

Here's my take on this idea that if your husband decides he's a woman and a lesbian, that makes you one: he can "identify" as what he wants, but he doesn't get to impose an identify on you.  You are straight.  

Not even the public figure Jennifer Finney Boylan (transwoman), transactivist, says her (formerly his) wife is a lesbian.  Boylan's wife, says Boylan, is straight, although Boylan identifies as a lesbian.

 Many lesbians who are female and with a same-sex orientation (e.g. lesbian) are extremely angry and upset that men who now identify as women are calling themselves women and lesbians and insisting female, same-sex oriented women accept their "girl dicks."  

 

Last edited by OutofHisCloset (April 14, 2021 6:55 pm)

Thank you for writing Jo, although I'm so very sorry that you're suffering. In response to your question "Do you think he ever loved me?" my response is: I don't think this man loved you but it has absolutely nothing to do with you my friend. He didn't love you because he was totally incapable of love. Now on to your post: 

1. I am a 61 year old female. I met my husband at 17 and he was 20. We married when I was 22 and had just the one child when I was 27. I was very hurt that when I was pregnant, m husband said he couldn't have sex with me - that it felt revolting knowing that I had a baby inside me. The pregnancy was planned and wanted. Before pregnancy, we normally had sex about once a week. After the baby was born, he maybe had sex with me once every couple of months. His drinking became heavier too.

What an *sshole for turning a pregnancy into something "revolting." What you've described fits a common pattern, meaning gay-in-denial husbands (GIDHs) making up rules or excuses to not have sex with their wives. 

2. He was not a regular kind of guy in some ways - but I liked him for his differences. He was not a macho type of guy and I think over a period of years, he became more effeminate (his speech and mannerisms). He loved cooking, was a good dancer and dresser. He could make me laugh and was kind.  I loved him so much.

There is nothing "kind" nor "loving" about sexually neglecting your wife. It's a form of abuse.  

3. When our son was 2, I found gay porn hidden. He swore it wasn't his and must have belonged to previous house owner. I know it didn't.

He was lying of course.  

4. During the next few years, he became increasingly critical of me and after a few years, I was a total mess with absolutely no self-confidence. He could say hurtful things especially when drinking. Eventually, I started making  friends outside the hone and saw a psychiatrist for some time. My confidence improved.  My husband's drinking increased. I wanted to go to counselling to save our marriage but he said no counsellor required, just a psychiatrist for me.  I had asked many times if he was gay but he said I was filthy and sick and denied it.

What a pr*ck. 

5. I left him.

Good...f*cking right you did! You had no choice my friend but to separate/divorce. I reckon it was survival. Had you remained with this horrible, abusive man, I believe he would have eventually killed your spirit. 

6. It was the hardest thing I ever did. Part of me hoped that he would tell me he loved me and wanted me to come back, but he didn't. He said he wanted me to come back because of mortgage and child so I didn't go back. 

"...come back because of the mortgage..." again a total pr*ck.

7. When our son was a teenager, people were gossiping about seeing him in public holding hands with other man.  He came out to our son, but never to me.  He told his family the year before he died that he was gay. His elderly mother said "It's just a stage." He would say things to me inferring that there was nobody in his life. My son said to me that whenever his father spoke to or interacted with me, he was markedly less effeminate.

How sad that he was cowering in the closet even when you knew he was gay. It's another example of how some men just can't fully come out. I know from experience. When I came out, I reckon 80% of the people I tearfully came out to said, "Meh" or "Well I always suspected." and 90% of the women in my life already knew. The fear was completely in my head. I can't imagine what level of denial you'd have to be in to assume your own son didn't talk to his mother about this. It sounds like he was a very damaged person...which has nothing to do with you. 

8. Over the years, we had contact mostly because of our son. Mostly we were on good terms. I last spoke to him a few weeks before he passed away after a one year illness.  He told my son then that I am a beautiful woman. At end stages of his life when he was heavily sedated in the hospital (and I wasn't there), he called out loudly a funny pet name he had for me which included my unusual surname so couldn't be meant for anyone else.

How pathetic that he never said any of these things to you directly. And what a shame that he apparently couldn't demonstrate a shred of kindness during your troubled marriage. 

9. I went to his funeral and in the eulogy, learnt he had been with his soul mate for 11 years and they were supposedly dedicated to each other. There were photos of them embracing and on the European holiday I once thought we would have together.

Wow. How tragic. 

10. I knew from before he died that I never really stopped loving him. I have regrets about leaving him. I was a pallbearer at the funeral (My choice). Right now, this feels like being divorced all over again, only worse.

Given what you've shared, I reckon you made the right decision to divorce my friend. You got away from an abusive, alcoholic, closeted husband who trapped you in sexless marriage. I can only imagine how much more he would have hurt you had you stayed.    

11. Every day I'm tortured wondering if my ex-husband ever loved me. Was I just an incubator to him? Of course there so much to cant include here. His partner said during the eulogy that my ex said he was very glad that I was the mother of his child and they showed some photos of us together- but love was never mentioned. I have had a couple other relationships, never remarried and those relationships were abusive in different ways, and there was something special during the early part of my marriage none of those other relationships had. I'm glad I never married any of those men. I have had times of missing my husband so much.

Question: what do you miss about an alcoholic, abusive, closeted ex-husband? While I don't have a lot of information here and I'm not a mental health professional, it sounds like you miss an idealized "early part of my marriage..." during which your husband was better at pretending to be straight.  

12. My question is, do you think he ever loved me?  THANK YOU

I'll try to answer by using quotes from your post. I don't define love as: 

a. Sexual Neglect: My husband said he couldn't have sex with me - that it felt revolting knowing that I had a baby inside me. 
b. Lies: When our son was 2, I found gay porn hidden. He swore it wasn't his and must have belonged to previous house owner. I know it didn't.
c. Abuse: He could say hurtful things especially when drinking. 
d. Addiction: My husband's drinking increased. 
e. Lies/Abuse: I had asked many times if he was gay but he said I was filthy and sick and denied it.

By my definition, he didn't love you because I don't define love as abuse, lies, and addiction. I define love as respect, kindness, and intimacy...three things apparently missing from most of your marriage. If your husband was anything like me, he loved his closet and heterosexual cover first. And if I'm reading your timeline correctly, the abuse, lies, and drinking intensified when you rightfully started to question his bullsh*t narrative that he was "straight." If your husband did truly love you, he would have done loving things, even after you divorced. He could have come out to you, made a heartfelt apology for the terrible way he treated you, and introduced you to his new husband. Even while dying, it sounds like this troubled man continued to cower in his dark closet. So no I don't think this damaged man loved you but it has absolutely nothing to do with you my friend. He didn't love you because he was totally incapable of love. 

I hope that helps my friend. Given what you've shared, you may want to read up on co-dependency. Most co-dependents feel an overwhelming need to, and express their love via helping others. And many straight spouses are co-dependents who married narcissistic, closeted husbands. While I'd suggest discussing this with a therapist, you might also want to try attending co-dependent's anonymous meetings. This could potentially be a free way for you to heal from a highly toxic and troubled former marriage. Please post again if you disagree or would like to share additional details. Be well! 

Last edited by Sean (April 19, 2021 6:52 am)