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This Open Forum is funded and administered by the Straight Spouse Network (SSN), a 501(c)(3) nonprofit that provides support to straight spouses and partners who have discovered that their spouse/partner isn’t straight. Your donations allow us to provide important support and resources that straight spouses can't find anywhere else.


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March 2, 2021 11:41 am  #1671


Re: A gay ex-husband answers your questions

Thanks for sharing Gloria. I don't have a lot to go on so please gage my opinion accordingly. However, if I were a gambling man, I'd say: 

"older man-Tinkertonk young man-HM?" 

...that the 'older man' is your boyfriend, 'Tinkertonk' is the profile name of the 'young man' and "HM" means "how much?" In the gay community, "twink" refers to younger gay men so does 'tink' mean 'twink'? I'm not sure. Again this is just a guess because there is so little to go on, but it sounds like an older man asking a younger male prostitute how much he charges for sexual services. Then again, this could be a text message about some lamp he's selling on eBay. Based on my exchanges here with other straight spouses/partners, if you're in the "checking his phone" stage and he's still having sex with men, I reckon you won't be together for much longer. 

Hope you are well Gloria and that you're focusing on the most important person: you. If anyone has questions for a gay ex-husband, please post them here. 

Last edited by Séan (March 2, 2021 3:47 pm)

 

March 2, 2021 6:09 pm  #1672


Re: A gay ex-husband answers your questions

Thank you Sean. I looked it up on the internet and could not find what it meant. I thought it probably had something to do with sex.

 

March 3, 2021 4:37 pm  #1673


Re: A gay ex-husband answers your questions

Good luck Gloria, don't forget to make yourself your priority, and please keep sharing my friend. I recently listened to a "Straight Spouse" podcast with Dr. Joe Kort and it certainly gave me a lot to think about. I reckon I've spent most of my time here bashing the damaged husbands of straight spouses. Call it a form of penance for all of the terrible things I did to my ex-wife and kids during my own excruciating coming out process. But what if my approach has been totally wrong? If you're unfamiliar with Dr. Kort, he's a gay therapist from America who wrote "Is my husband gay, straight or bisexual?" Dr. Kort is rather controversial because he claims straight men can have sex with other men...without being gay. During the podcast/interview, I found myself feeling defensive because for years I've posted: "If he's watching gay porn, has sex with men, and no longer has sex with you (his wife), then he's clearly gay."   

So what's my point? I'm wondering if my obsessive need to define a man's sexuality is somehow counterproductive. Case in point: if your husband watches gay porn and has sex with men, there really isn't a need to assign a sexual label. HOWEVER, both husband and wife should work like hell to acknowledge that an attraction to men is clearly an integral part of the husband's sexuality. And if we've learned anything from the spectacular failure of gay conversion therapy, no amount of therapy nor prayer can change a person's God-given sexuality.

Following conflict/confrontation about a husband's sexuality - often after the straight wife finds overwhelming proof of cheating with men - there follows a limbo/bargaining/honeymoon stage during which both spouses try their best to turn back time. (I've often referred to this as trying to "put the pink genie back in the bottle.") This may include an attempt at renewed intimacy, trying new things in the bedroom like pegging, and eventually (at his behest) opening up the marriage to new (male) partners. This is often referred to as "mixed orientation marriage" or "MOMs" and there is a section in this forum dedicated to MOMs. I've made no attempt to downplay my disdain for MOMs, likely because my own was so spectacularly unsuccessful.

I've often shared here that before a straight spouse falls down the rabbit hole of trying to define her husband's sexual orientation, she should start by finishing these sentences:

Love for me means...
Marriage for me means...
I want a husband who...

If you haven't had sex in years, your husband has been on gay porn for years, he has cheated on you, and enjoys anal stimulation, whether you like it or not, this is how your relationship will likely continue because this is part of his sexual DNA. And no amount of counselling or you policing his devices is going to make it all go away. So I reckon your MOM has a chance if you choose to acknowledge and accept his true sexual needs...oftentimes at the expense of your own. If your definition of love/marriage includes what he really wants: threesomes (with another man); gay porn; anal toys/play; and perhaps letting him "have his needs met" without you, then perhaps your relationship has a chance because you're dealing with reality. Or perhaps your definition of marriage is more about friendship rather than sex which could also work. If however your definition of love/marriage includes traditional elements like monogamy, intimacy, and a husband who truly desires you, please look at your relationship based on his actions and hard facts, not empty promises nor excuses. (Caveat: straight spouses should keep in mind that there is a short honeymoon after conflict so please look at things after about 3-6 months following a blow up.) For example, if after a year of couples counselling he still won't have sex with you because of [insert bullsh*t excuse here] while still fapping 24/7 to gay porn late at night, you'll eventually have to accept that this is the marriage he wants, and then compare it to the marriage you deserve.  

So where does all of this leave us? Most straight spouses I've exchanged with spend months or even years desperately trying to answer the question: "Is he gay?" I believe the better question to ask is: "Is this man capable of being the husband I need?" I hope that makes sense my friends. Be well! 

Last edited by Séan (March 3, 2021 4:57 pm)

     Thread Starter
 

March 5, 2021 2:52 pm  #1674


Re: A gay ex-husband answers your questions

Hi Séan, I'm quite relieved to have stumbled upon this site, and this discussion forum. Over the weekend I will no doubt go back to page 1 of this thread and read the whole thing. 

I am 53 and after my husband's last shenanigans, in which he tried to pick up one of my co-workers online (before he realized who she was), I had the moment of clarity that I needed, and told him that our marriage was officially over. However, we agreed that we would maintain our family home until our son (at that point, entering Grade 12) was successfully through high school and settled at his first-choice university. Covid hit, and one kid left but the other came back, so we held off selling the family home, but it's now on track to sell in the spring.

My ex-husband is short, not well-equipped, and a terrible kisser. But when you're young and in love, you overlook stuff. It was good enough, especially when we were really in the throes of passion. He is also a man's man - blue-collar worker, can fix anything, loud, gregarious, etc.

The first sign of trouble - for me - was when I was on my first maternity leave. I discovered receipts for visits to a "club" and when confronted he said that he was not getting any action at home, so he went there for a hand job. Super apologetic. I was a busy new mum, I soon put it in the back of my mind.

Kid #2 came along, my dad died unexpectedly when I was 6 months pregnant, and my husband's personality changed. He became negative, mouthy, intolerant, borderline racist, and just generally not a nice person. I was so turned off by his personality, and so busy with the kids, that it was pretty easy for me not to have sex with him - he was never that good at it anyway. He only performed oral sex on me if I was freshly out of the shower, and he preferred for me to be shaved. The actual act of intercourse was a few minutes, and I never achieved orgasm. Eventually I thought there was something wrong with me - I must smell, I must be gross down there, I've gained weight, he must find me unattractive, etc.

The years that followed were unbearable - while I tried to be a mother and father (he worked shift work) and raise two happy kids, and deal with his miserable personality, and his ridiculous rules that changed on a whim, and his nasty attitudes towards just about everything - he finally agreed to see a psychiatrist and started on a cocktail of medication for anxiety, depression, bipolar disorder, ADD, ADHD - I can't even remember it all now.

Eight years ago, a random woman contacted me on FB and told me that she had been having an affair with my husband. I confronted him and he admitted that it had been going on for six months. We went to counselling, and we stayed together. Still no sex in our marriage. But we had just bought our dream home, I was not happy, but content, and thought that although the marriage wasn't perfect, it was probably in fact better than some unions.

Three years ago, I noticed he was spending a lot of time on his phone. He was increasingly irritable. I knew something was up, in my gut. I managed to see him punch his code into his phone and wasted no time picking it up when he left it unattended. I was shocked to see inappropriate FB messages to females at his workplace. But really shocked and dismayed to see text messages to men, sharing dick picks and arranging for "car fun". 

I confronted him again, and he had a complete emotional breakdown - he swore that it was just exciting and he would never, ever follow through, he never had any intentions of it being more than erotic conversations, etc. I offered him friendship, support, help while he tried to figure out if he was maybe gay. He pushed me away and told me to stop thinking that way. He was absolutely NOT GAY. We talked about him maybe being a sex addict. He agreed that that might be true. He went to see a counsellor for a few sessions. Nothing ever came of that, except that she thought he was on too many mind-altering medications and they worked together to get him from six to three. 

After the proverbial straw that broke the camel's back - when he tried to pick up my work friend - and we officially called it quits - I knew that he was back online trying to date. I was online too. Nothing more fun that finding your ex-husband's profile on Tinder, Match.com, Plenty of Fish, Facebook Dating! I teased him, and told him I would help him write a better profile, take some better pics, etc. because I was determined that we would part amicably - we owed our children that at least.

Just before Christmas, I was contacted by a random woman on Facebook, and she messaged me a very cryptic message. I replied back, she replied with an equally cryptic message and then she blocked me because none of my subsequent messages went through to her. I confronted my husband again, and he admitted to texting her, and that she was "unhinged" and a "complete nut job" and that he didn't see the red flags until it was too late. I told him he needed to be more careful about who he was bringing into his life, because it would have been pretty disturbing if she had also sent a similar message to our daughter, who is also on Facebook.

Last week, I was messaging another friend and I saw her message - I wondered if I was still blocked so I sent her a message and she replied! What ensued was a very interesting and somewhat therapeutic electronic conversation. She eventually revealed that he had met her in person, and yes, they had sex. She said that he made plans to see her again, but stood her up. She said, "I think he was just happy receiving regular blow jobs from his married friend, who lives near you." 

So - you guessed it - I confronted him again. He was seeing a new girl and they were planning their third date and he seemed quite cheerful and happy. So I said, "I know you don't want any dating advice but you're probably thinking about being intimate with this new girl, if you haven't already. I would just advise you to be truthful with her about your sexuality." He replied, "okay." And then I said, "because if it were me, I would absolutely want to know if my new love interest was having regular oral sex with another man." He replied, "okay." And then I said, "it has been brought to my attention that you're seeing a married man in our community. This is a small place, and people know people. I feel like you've been really careless and I'm afraid our children will find out. How do you think they will feel if they find out? Have you thought about that?" And he continued to reply with one word answers, totally avoiding eye contact.

That was a few days ago. He acts like that conversation never happened. Meanwhile I'm a complete disaster emotionally. I have so many questions that only he can answer and chances are he never will. I'm angry because he has always been so intolerant of gay people and I think he's a hypocrite. I'm angry because I feel like he's never been honest with me, for maybe out entire marriage. I'm angry because I always wondered if I pushed him towards these affairs because I didn't want to have sex with such a miserable beast of a man. And maybe it wasn't my fault. completely. I'm angry because when I'm with another man, I'm always wondering, am I good enough? Do I smell? Should I shower before? Should I shave? Does he find me attractive? And I'm angry because I feel like I was denied a normal, healthy sex life for 20+ years and now I might have so many issues I may never be capable of having a normal, healthy sex life.

I know I'm rambling, I know I'm overthinking, but it really helps to write this all down. I don't have any questions for you, but I just want to tell you how much I appreciate you listening/reading. And to everyone else, how much better I feel knowing that I'm not alone. 

P.S. one of the signs you wrote was increased interest in fitness - he goes to the gym every single day! I thought he was just fanatical about getting back into shape after two artificial hips! 

 

March 5, 2021 11:50 pm  #1675


Re: A gay ex-husband answers your questions

Thank you for writing DonnaL. Before I comment on some of your excellent points, I have a suggestion for you and your fellow straight spouses. I want you to write a 'help wanted' ad for your ideal husband. Such as: 

"HELP WANTED: Loving husband wanted for ___ year-old woman in NYC. Ideal candidates should be: heterosexual; romantic; and have a strong libido. No cheaters, drinkers, drug addicts, bisexuals, and "open marriage" defenders need apply. Should be interested in romance, weekend getaways, and treating his wife (me) like a goddess. We will give interviews to potential husbands with a history of honesty, monogamy, and a strong (heterosexual) sex drive..." 

I think you get the idea. I reckon most of the "best friend" and "soulmate" husbands I read about here wouldn't even be considered for the husband position I've written about above. And once hired, most gay-in-denial husbands (GIDHs) would likely be fired after just a few weeks or months for what is the relationship equivalent of "gross negligence" or "gross misconduct." Now on to your post. 

1. Hi Séan, I'm quite relieved to have stumbled upon this site, and this discussion forum. Over the weekend I will no doubt go back to page 1 of this thread and read the whole thing. I am 53 and after my husband's last shenanigans, in which he tried to pick up one of my co-workers online (before he realized who she was), I had the moment of clarity that I needed, and told him that our marriage was officially over. However, we agreed that we would maintain our family home until our son (at that point, entering Grade 12) was successfully through high school and settled at his first-choice university. Covid hit, and one kid left but the other came back, so we held off selling the family home, but it's now on track to sell in the spring.

Wow. What a pr*ck. 

2. My ex-husband is short, not well-equipped, and a terrible kisser. But when you're young and in love, you overlook stuff. It was good enough, especially when we were really in the throes of passion. He is also a man's man - blue-collar worker, can fix anything, loud, gregarious, etc.

Gay/bisexual men come in all shapes, sizes, and degrees of masculinity. 

3. The first sign of trouble - for me - was when I was on my first maternity leave. I discovered receipts for visits to a "club" and when confronted he said that he was not getting any action at home, so he went there for a hand job. Super apologetic. I was a busy new mum, I soon put it in the back of my mind. Kid #2 came along, my dad died unexpectedly when I was 6 months pregnant, and my husband's personality changed. He became negative, mouthy, intolerant, borderline racist, and just generally not a nice person. I was so turned off by his personality, and so busy with the kids, that it was pretty easy for me not to have sex with him - he was never that good at it anyway. He only performed oral sex on me if I was freshly out of the shower, and he preferred for me to be shaved. The actual act of intercourse was a few minutes, and I never achieved orgasm. Eventually I thought there was something wrong with me - I must smell, I must be gross down there, I've gained weight, he must find me unattractive, etc.

I'm sorry that he made you feel unattractive. Again, he sounds like a complete *sshole.  

4. The years that followed were unbearable - while I tried to be a mother and father (he worked shift work) and raise two happy kids, and deal with his miserable personality, and his ridiculous rules that changed on a whim, and his nasty attitudes towards just about everything - he finally agreed to see a psychiatrist and started on a cocktail of medication for anxiety, depression, bipolar disorder, ADD, ADHD - I can't even remember it all now. Eight years ago, a random woman contacted me on FB and told me that she had been having an affair with my husband. I confronted him and he admitted that it had been going on for six months. We went to counselling, and we stayed together. Still no sex in our marriage. But we had just bought our dream home, I was not happy, but content, and thought that although the marriage wasn't perfect, it was probably in fact better than some unions.

Clearly he should be fired from his husband position for "gross incompetence." At this point, he doesn't even appear to be showing up for the "husband position" advertised at the top of this post. I disagree that a sexless, emotionally abusive relationship with a serial cheater and liar is "in fact better than some unions" but we've all been through a bargaining/denial stage. I think you should run away from this man like your hair's on fire. 

5. Three years ago, I noticed he was spending a lot of time on his phone. He was increasingly irritable. I knew something was up, in my gut. I managed to see him punch his code into his phone and wasted no time picking it up when he left it unattended. I was shocked to see inappropriate FB messages to females at his workplace. But really shocked and dismayed to see text messages to men, sharing dick picks and arranging for "car fun". 

Wow. Straight wives all eventually move into "detective" mode. 

6. I confronted him again, and he had a complete emotional breakdown - he swore that it was just exciting and he would never, ever follow through, he never had any intentions of it being more than erotic conversations, etc.

Minimization ('it happened just once') and crocodile tears are common with cheating husbands. 

7. I offered him friendship, support, help while he tried to figure out if he was maybe gay. He pushed me away and told me to stop thinking that way. He was absolutely NOT GAY. We talked about him maybe being a sex addict. He agreed that that might be true. He went to see a counsellor for a few sessions. Nothing ever came of that, except that she thought he was on too many mind-altering medications and they worked together to get him from six to three. 

Questions: 1. Did you set up all of his counselling appointments? I bet you did and....2. Then did you nag him to go? 

8. After the proverbial straw that broke the camel's back - when he tried to pick up my work friend - and we officially called it quits - I knew that he was back online trying to date. I was online too. Nothing more fun that finding your ex-husband's profile on Tinder, Match.com, Plenty of Fish, Facebook Dating!  I teased him, and told him I would help him write a better profile, take some better pics, etc. because I was determined that we would part amicably - we owed our children that at least.

I'd read up on co-dependency my friend. While you've painted all of this in a humorous light, I don't think it's healthy to be helping your husband - because you are still married - try to find your replacement. The only thing he deserves at this point is a giant boot in the *ss as he walks out of your life...forever. And please don't underestimate how damaging toxic marriages are on kids...no matter what their ages are. By staying in this sexless, co-dependent, and highly dysfunctional marriage, you are normalizing your husband's neglect and emotional abuse for your children. Sometimes separation/divorce help our children understand what is and isn't acceptable behaviour in a relationship.  

9. Just before Christmas, I was contacted by a random woman on Facebook, and she messaged me a very cryptic message. I replied back, she replied with an equally cryptic message and then she blocked me because none of my subsequent messages went through to her. I confronted my husband again, and he admitted to texting her, and that she was "unhinged" and a "complete nut job" and that he didn't see the red flags until it was too late. I told him he needed to be more careful about who he was bringing into his life, because it would have been pretty disturbing if she had also sent a similar message to our daughter, who is also on Facebook.

Isn't that strike 7 on the cheating/texting front because I'm losing count? Why are you still living with this man?

10. Last week, I was messaging another friend and I saw her message - I wondered if I was still blocked so I sent her a message and she replied! What ensued was a very interesting and somewhat therapeutic electronic conversation. She eventually revealed that he had met her in person, and yes, they had sex. She said that he made plans to see her again, but stood her up. She said, "I think he was just happy receiving regular blow jobs from his married friend, who lives near you." So - you guessed it - I confronted him again.

This seems to fit a pattern I described in some recent posts: most relationships with serial cheaters (whether gay or straight) go through the pattern of: 

Suspicion (of cheating)
Investigation
Conflict 
Minimization/Honeymoon ("It happened just once...I love YOU!")
Repeat

about 5-7 times before she accepts he's never going to change. So clearly your lying, depressed, serial cheater of a husband isn't going to change. The question is: what are you going to do now? 

11. He was seeing a new girl and they were planning their third date and he seemed quite cheerful and happy. So I said, "I know you don't want any dating advice but you're probably thinking about being intimate with this new girl, if you haven't already. I would just advise you to be truthful with her about your sexuality." He replied, "okay." And then I said, "because if it were me, I would absolutely want to know if my new love interest was having regular oral sex with another man." He replied, "okay." And then I said, "it has been brought to my attention that you're seeing a married man in our community. This is a small place, and people know people. I feel like you've been really careless and I'm afraid our children will find out. How do you think they will feel if they find out? Have you thought about that?" And he continued to reply with one word answers, totally avoiding eye contact.

So let me get this straight: your husband is dating while still living with you; you appear to be giving dating advice to your husband; and now recommend that he should not be cheating on his girlfriend with another man. This situation is so f*cked up it's making my teeth hurt. Am I reading this correctly? If I am correct, I recommend you get out of this toxic situation and away from this toxic man as soon as possible. 

12. That was a few days ago. He acts like that conversation never happened. Meanwhile I'm a complete disaster emotionally. I have so many questions that only he can answer and chances are he never will. I'm angry because he has always been so intolerant of gay people and I think he's a hypocrite. I'm angry because I feel like he's never been honest with me, for maybe out entire marriage.

And he's proven time and time again that he's incapable of both monogamy and honesty. So why haven't you fired him from his husband position? 

13. I'm angry because I always wondered if I pushed him towards these affairs because I didn't want to have sex with such a miserable beast of a man. And maybe it wasn't my fault. completely. I'm angry because when I'm with another man, I'm always wondering, am I good enough? Do I smell? Should I shower before? Should I shave? Does he find me attractive? And I'm angry because I feel like I was denied a normal, healthy sex life for 20+ years and now I might have so many issues I may never be capable of having a normal, healthy sex life.

Anger is good and it's a necessary part of the healing process. None of this is your fault and I'm so very sorry you feel that way. Let's review your situation here: he's the cheater; he's the liar; he's the one with the mental health issues. And now he's dating under your nose and he's cheating on these girlfriends with other men. It's time to f*re this idiot from your life and move on. 

14. I know I'm rambling, I know I'm overthinking, but it really helps to write this all down. I don't have any questions for you, but I just want to tell you how much I appreciate you listening/reading. And to everyone else, how much better I feel knowing that I'm not alone. P.S. one of the signs you wrote was increased interest in fitness - he goes to the gym every single day! I thought he was just fanatical about getting back into shape after two artificial hips!  

Please ramble away...that's what this forum is for. I'm glad that I and others have helped, although I'm so very sorry you've found yourself chained to this terrible man. Please read this forum's 'First Aid' kit. I'd also recommend you start your own thread here, get yourself a qualified therapist, start sharing all of this with a close friend or relative, and meet with an attorney to start the process of separation/divorce. Oh and stop pretending to be his best friend so enough with the dating advice. This toxic, abusive man doesn't deserve your love/frienship. Be well! 

Last edited by Sean (March 5, 2021 11:55 pm)

 

March 6, 2021 8:38 pm  #1676


Re: A gay ex-husband answers your questions

Thank you Séan! I'm going to print your reply and read it every single day - because I need to hear all that over and over again.

We had a massive fight Friday night - which in and of itself is kind of a big deal - because this guy can't fight! He walks away from every single fight and has our whole marriage. I've tried to tell him that fighting is normal, and healthy, and helps you get to the other side. But he just can't do it. Plus the rare times we do fight, he brings all of this other stuff into it, until I'm so confused, I don't even know what we're fighting about anymore.

But I do know what we were fighting about Friday night. I said, "you're acting like the conversation (about you being gay) never happened, and that's all I can think about. I have so many questions and I deserve the answers." But he said no I didn't, we were no longer married, just co-habitating (in separate bedrooms) until this house gets sold. And that his life was none of my business. I guess that's true. But it doesn't change the fact that I want to know the truth. I don't know why I do, I just do. And in this fight, he categorically said he wasn't gay. He said he likes women, all women, except for me. He said he didn't know who told me that he was seeing someone in our neighbourhood, but it just wasn't true. He is not gay.

So there you have it. I will never know the truth. I don't even know why it matters. We're selling this house, I'm getting the heck out, and I think any chance we ever had of being amicable for the sake of the kids is not possible. You're right - he is toxic, and I can't have that in my life.

 

March 7, 2021 4:15 am  #1677


Re: A gay ex-husband answers your questions

Thank you for posting DonnaL. In reply: 

1. Thank you Séan! I'm going to print your reply and read it every single day - because I need to hear all that over and over again.

Good luck my friend. You might consider finding a qualified therapist to help you work through all of this. I also recommend writing a "help wanted" ad to describe the husband you want. Not only can you compare your current husband to what you need, but it can also be a helpful tool when you're dating post separation/divorce. Food for thought! 

2. We had a massive fight Friday night - which in and of itself is kind of a big deal - because this guy can't fight! He walks away from every single fight and has our whole marriage. I've tried to tell him that fighting is normal, and healthy, and helps you get to the other side. But he just can't do it. Plus the rare times we do fight, he brings all of this other stuff into it, until I'm so confused, I don't even know what we're fighting about anymore.

As I've shared here before, few straight spouses actually hear, "I'm gay..." from closeted husbands. Using myself as an example, I started hiding my sexuality at around age 5/6 so lying and deception often become part of a closeted husband's DNA. Unfortunately, no amount of arguing with a wife nor couples' therapy can coax them out of their closets. I think we can all agree that if a man watches gay porn and has sex with men, he's definitely "not straight" or perhaps "bisexual." While I think it's perfectly normal to spend a few weeks or months focusing on your husband's sexuality, please don't let it distract you from the true issues: your husband is a serial cheater; pathological liar; and he doesn't deserve you.  

3. But I do know what we were fighting about Friday night. I said, "you're acting like the conversation (about you being gay) never happened, and that's all I can think about. I have so many questions and I deserve the answers." But he said no I didn't, we were no longer married, just co-habitating (in separate bedrooms) until this house gets sold. And that his life was none of my business. I guess that's true. But it doesn't change the fact that I want to know the truth. I don't know why I do, I just do. And in this fight, he categorically said he wasn't gay. He said he likes women, all women, except for me. He said he didn't know who told me that he was seeing someone in our neighbourhood, but it just wasn't true. He is not gay.

It's perhaps unrealistic to expect your future ex-husband to suddenly find honesty and authenticity, particularly after years of deception and lies. I reckon the only person you can control in this situation is you, which also means you control your thinking. So while it's perfectly normal for straight spouses to focus on a husband's sexuality for a few months, I wouldn't recommend obsessing about it for more than 3-6 months before choosing to move on. As I've shared in previous posts, I think it was easier for my former wife to hear me say, "I'm gay" because there was a certain finality. Many cheating husbands go the "I'm bisexual" route, which I believe is more painful for a straight spouse because she then justifiably asks the question, "Ok so you're attracted to women. Why then aren't you sexually attracted to me?"   

4. So there you have it. I will never know the truth. I don't even know why it matters. We're selling this house, I'm getting the heck out, and I think any chance we ever had of being amicable for the sake of the kids is not possible. You're right - he is toxic, and I can't have that in my life.

Following my separation, I was so lonely and starved for attention that I attracted a lot of toxic people into my life. Rather than focus on their toxicity, I eventually realized that I had to focus on myself. So what's my point? I'd urge you to find a qualified therapist and work like hell to find closure with your soon-to-be-ex-husband. Once freed of this burden, you can then begin the process of healing the most important person: you. For me personally, learning self-worth and setting boundaries were the only ways that I could move forward.

I hope that helps DonnaL. Please keep coming back and sharing your journey. For every straight spouse posting here, I reckon there are dozens learning from you. Be well! 

Last edited by Séan (March 7, 2021 4:26 am)

     Thread Starter
 

March 9, 2021 4:43 pm  #1678


Re: A gay ex-husband answers your questions

Hi Sean! I’ve been a long-time lurker on this thread since discovering my husband’s secret back in August of 2020 and I want to thank you for all of the time you’ve spent here, sharing your perspective. It’s been incredibly helpful for me, especially when trying to get honest answers out of my STBXH proves nearly impossible.

Our story follows the typical pattern that you’ve outlined here and I’ve posted a couple times if you want to look back. Married over a decade, mostly happily, although looking back our sex life was pretty lackluster. As we both approached our 40th birthdays he started to withdraw, struggle with depression, and ultimately turned into an emotionally abusive asshole that I did not recognize at all. I found him a therapist and worked very hard to be the best wife I could be but things continued to get worse.
I eventually went into detective mode, fearing I’d discover another woman but instead discovered he’d been online soliciting men for sex.I confronted him and he lied, minimized, made empty promises etc. He identified as bisexual for a hot second which I took with a giant grain of salt, and finally admitted he is gay and has known since childhood. He’s tried to walk that back a few times and say he didn’t really know until now but I’m confident he knew full well he was gay when we married.
So I moved out in October and he stayed behind in our home. We’re planning to divorce this year. No children.

The thing I’m struggling with now is if and when I get to tell my side of this story. When he finally admitted that he’s gay he was very fearful of coming out. I made him a promise that I wouldn’t out him before he was ready so I haven’t told a single soul except my therapist and this support group of anonymous strangers. I also asked him to please speak to ME first before he does come out so that I can be prepared. We have a large group of mutual friends and family and I just want to be on the same page.He and I still talk regularly, and I asked him recently how he was feeling and whether he thought he’d be ready to come out any time soon. He threw a bit of a fit saying things like “Straight people don’t have to announce that they’re straight, why do I have to announce that I’m gay?” I’m starting to get the feeling that he plans to stay closeted forever. That’s his choice, but I hate the idea of not being able to tell the whole story to my friends and family. This is MY life too. What do you think? Am I the asshole if I spill the beans? I have no intention of embarrassing him or outing him publicly. I just feel like I need to be able to talk about this with the ones I love.
 

Last edited by EmpathyStarved (March 9, 2021 5:46 pm)

 

March 9, 2021 6:42 pm  #1679


Re: A gay ex-husband answers your questions

Thanks for sharing EmpathyStarved. In response to your post: 

1. Hi Sean! I’ve been a long-time lurker on this thread since discovering my husband’s secret back in August of 2020 and I want to thank you for all of the time you’ve spent here, sharing your perspective. It’s been incredibly helpful for me, especially when trying to get honest answers out of my STBXH proves nearly impossible.

That's very kind of you although I'm so sorry you've found yourself here.  

2. Our story follows the typical pattern that you’ve outlined here and I’ve posted a couple times if you want to look back. Married over a decade, mostly happily, although looking back our sex life was pretty lackluster. As we both approached our 40th birthdays he started to withdraw, struggle with depression, and ultimately turned into an emotionally abusive asshole that I did not recognize at all. I found him a therapist and worked very hard to be the best wife I could be but things continued to get worse.

Funny how gay/straight marriages often follow the same script. Funnier still that I have yet to read about a closeted husband who was capable of making his own godd*mned counselling/therapist appointments. 

3. I eventually went into detective mode...

This follows a common pattern. 

4. ...fearing I’d discover another woman but instead discovered he’d been online soliciting men for sex. I confronted him and he lied, minimized, made empty promises etc. He identified as bisexual for a hot second which I took with a giant grain of salt, and finally admitted he is gay and has known since childhood. He’s tried to walk that back a few times and say he didn’t really know until now but I’m confident he knew full well he was gay when we married.

Agreed. Sometimes it's more like he didn't want to be gay as most closeted men hope that marrying a woman would somehow fix things. 

5. So I moved out in October and he stayed behind in our home. We’re planning to divorce this year. No children.

Question: how are you enjoying your new-found freedom?

6. The thing I’m struggling with now is if and when I get to tell my side of this story. When he finally admitted that he’s gay he was very fearful of coming out. I made him a promise that I wouldn’t out him before he was ready so I haven’t told a single soul except my therapist and this support group of anonymous strangers.

I understand your frustration. Many straight wives find themselves trapped in their husband's closets. On a more positive note, at least he admitted to being gay. Most straight wives never hear the truth.  

7. I also asked him to please speak to ME first before he does come out so that I can be prepared. We have a large group of mutual friends and family and I just want to be on the same page.

Agreed. 

8. He and I still talk regularly, and I asked him recently how he was feeling and whether he thought he’d be ready to come out any time soon. He threw a bit of a fit saying things like “Straight people don’t have to announce that they’re straight, why do I have to announce that I’m gay?”

I'm not sure it's healthy to remain in regular contact with your future ex-husband. Perhaps temporarily cutting off contact would help you heal from what appears to be a very toxic marriage. If you're no longer speaking at the very least you won't have to deal with his hissy fits and f*cked up logic. 

9. I’m starting to get the feeling that he plans to stay closeted forever.

He certainly seems to be on that path. 

10. That’s his choice, but I hate the idea of not being able to tell the whole story to my friends and family.

As you know, I'm not a mental health professional so I'd suggest you discuss all of this with your therapist. I find that most gay/straight marriages resemble narcissist/co-dependent relationships. The husband is completely self-involved and the wife lives only for him. Most straight wives who post here feel an overwhelming need to protect, heal, and defend husbands who have emotionally abused them for years. (And yes sexual neglect is also a form of abuse in my opinion.)   

11. This is MY life too. What do you think? Am I the asshole if I spill the beans? I have no intention of embarrassing him or outing him publicly. I just feel like I need to be able to talk about this with the ones I love.

He's essentially trapped you in his closet. I say kick the f*cking door down and share your truth. The moment you made the decision to separate/divorce, you ceased being his protector, confidante, and personal counsellor. So f*ck him and his pink merry-go-round. And I reckon everyone already knows he's gay. When I came out, 80% of the people in my life, and roughly 95% of all the women in my life, shrugged and said, "Well I always suspected..." I know we're all programmed to never out anyone but that logic applies to helpless Mormon teens who's parents will reject them. You no longer need to protect him nor keep his secrets. His life isn't going to end if you confirm what people already suspect...he's as gay as a rainbow and that's why you divorced. So share away, BUT be prepared for him to completely lose he sh*t when he finds out. If he's anything like me, he's probably more worried that your friends and family will learn what a complete *sshole he was to you in the dying days of your marriage.  Divorce means freedom from him AND his secrets. Good luck! 

 

March 10, 2021 1:59 pm  #1680


Re: A gay ex-husband answers your questions

11. This is MY life too. What do you think? Am I the asshole if I spill the beans? I have no intention of embarrassing him or outing him publicly. I just feel like I need to be able to talk about this with the ones I love.

He's essentially trapped you in his closet. I say kick the f*cking door down and share your truth. The moment you made the decision to separate/divorce, you ceased being his protector, confidante, and personal counsellor. So f*ck him and his pink merry-go-round. And I reckon everyone already knows he's gay. When I came out, 80% of the people in my life, and roughly 95% of all the women in my life, shrugged and said, "Well I always suspected..." I know we're all programmed to never out anyone but that logic applies to helpless Mormon teens who's parents will reject them. You no longer need to protect him nor keep his secrets. His life isn't going to end if you confirm what people already suspect...he's as gay as a rainbow and that's why you divorced. So share away, BUT be prepared for him to completely lose he sh*t when he finds out. If he's anything like me, he's probably more worried that your friends and family will learn what a complete *sshole he was to you in the dying days of your marriage.  Divorce means freedom from him AND his secrets. Good luck!

This question is EXACTLY what I wanted to ask but didn't know I did! And your answer is EXACTLY what I needed to hear. 
 

 

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