Sean wrote:

Sadly, the reality is much different for most SSN members. For most straight spouses posting here, their husbands are cruel, abusive, and oftentimes fiendishly dishonest. 

The problem is rightfully described as the "cruel, abusive, and oftentimes fiendishly dishonest" kind of relations.
But this is not typical just because these are non-straights (IMO LBG are generally just as good and friendly as straights).
So it's important to identify the trait that discerns these no-good LGB spouses, the SSN members you mention have to deal with, from the rest of the non-straight spouses in a MOM.
Reading the "cruel, abusive, and oftentimes fiendishly dishonest" stories, I get the strong impression a form of narcissism is often the real reason behind the behaviour and not so much the sexual orientation on itself.

And a majority of the husbands described here are clearly gay men claiming to be bisexual, who never truly demonstrated any sexual interest in their wives...nor any other women really.

Even the bisexual/gay difference isn't decisive in this regard. It's actually about personality of the person involved. 
So a personality disorder, like narcissism, is what makes an all important difference (btw. in totally straight marriages this will be no different).

Some (greater) part of the posting on SSN are/were in relations with an abusing narcissist (and get out asap!). But some may be in a relation with a non-straight spouse who is just uncertain, confused and/or ashamed.
There are so many different backgrounds and possibilities. It's not just the gay/bi proof that wraps it up.

From your earlier post about abuse in childhood:

1. Share openly about the abuse.
​2. Admit wrongdoing such as watching porn and/or cheating.
​3. Apologize.
​4. Get help via therapy or a 12-step program.
​5. Work like hell to stop acting out, hurting his wife, and thereby heal his marriage.
​6. Intimacy is re-established and the couple enjoys a healthy sex life.​

I agree, but something along that line has to evolve in any MOM. That's a way towards a succesful MOM.
If the non-straight isn't a malformed personality, and really chooses for it, then:
It's about being open and honest, going for the marriage, making the relation and the other priority number one.
In short: going for real love, making deliberate choices from free will, and eventually sexuality can and will also find a way.

I do believe that Dutchman is correct. That much of what we see in these chaotic relationships is narcissism. I have a background in mental health and I’m certain what I see in many of these situations is evidense of narcissistic personality disorder. 

To answer your questions, Sean…

1. I am not religious. My husband grew up going to church, but has not been in any way religious since I’ve known him. 

2. My husband and I had been talking about him appearing less than 100% heterosexual for our entire nearly 30 years together. I think it was easier for him to accept himself as damaged goods from the abuse, but he hated that about himself so it became easier to see himself as heteroflexable/bisexual. The strange thing is he doesn’t like most men... probably because of the abuse. 

3. We have chosen to remain monogamous. 

4. Yes, he told me and in large part he believes it played a fundamental role. He trusted the male and he said it felt good. He was very young... about age 7. 

5. Intimacy and sex is important to our relationship and we always have had a very satisfying sex life… before and after disclosure. 

6. I have no fear that my husband is cheating or has ever cheated or will cheat.  

7. I am happier now because it now makes sense. He is also happier now knowing that I accept him as he is.  
 

Last edited by TangledOil (November 8, 2020 1:53 pm)

Sean wrote:

I look forward to hearing your answers and please only reply if you feel comfortable discussing your mixed orientation marriages (MOMs). Be well!  

1. Are you religious? 

We are christian. We have a liberal stance towards homosexuality. We don't consider it a sin, nor are we against same-sex marriage.
Our faith offers us freedom and inspiration to consider what's beautiful and right, and freely make our choices based on that, not because we must or fear damnation.
We consider marriage and our vows very important to keep and worth going for with all one can muster, but when there is no love nor will to stay together anymore it's better to divorce than to remain together.

2. Did your spouses come out to you (as gay or bisexual) voluntarily or did you confront them about it?

After my wife discovered she was lesbian and was sure about these feelings, she told me voluntarily. (but of course very concerned how I would react)

3. Have you chosen to remain monogamous or have an open marriage?

We both chose to remain monogamous. An open marriage would not align with either of us.

4. Did your spouses tell you about past sexual abuse and, if yes, do they believe this caused their homosexual attractions?

My wife was emotionally abused by her narcisitic mother. Given the drastic consequences this had on the emotional wellbeing of my wife in many aspects, she suspects this also might well be a cause for her sexuality, but cannot be sure about that.
However, the original cause of her homosexuality is not important or relevant to us (ie. it won't make any difference in the here and now).

5. Is intimacy/sex important to your relationships and, if yes, do you now have a satisfying sex life with your spouses post-disclosure?

Certainly, intimacy and sex is important, so it was our deliberate choice to keep our sexual relation going as good as it was possible.
We had to find our way to make it work post-disclosure. Over the years, the growing fulfillment we found in our sexual relation followed the progress we experienced in communication, acceptance and trust. 
Eventually resulting in our sexual relation feeling complete to both of us in all aspects.

She's still lesbian, has no interest in the male form, except for one man she enjoys making love with. (and that's just enough to make it work )

6. Do you still live in fear that he/she is cheating or will perhaps cheat in the future? 

No, not at all. We have absolute trust in each other and are happy together, there is no reason to fear.

7. Are you happier now that "the secret" is out in the open?

It wasn't really like "a secret" to us, my wife just didn't really know her sexual orientation up to then. So she wasn't in the closet (or just for a few months that took her to be sure of what she felt). To her it was more like a discovery/confrontation with herself when she found out (20 years into marriage).
But it explained a lot about the sexual problems we had experienced in all those years before, so it was like an answer to a lot of questions. It was a relief to my wife to finally know "what was wrong with her".
The turmoil it caused in first couple of years after that moment of disclosure sure didn't make me happy at the time. But dealing with it forced us to (learn to) be really open, transparent and accepting. It brought us closer and closer together, also made us develop as individual persons and how we cope with our feelings and self.
Looking back, I think it was the best that could have happened to us. 


PS.My wife has posted in the MOM section of the forum. Not being a straight spouse like you, she's limited to posting in one topic. If you're interested:
https://straightspouse.boardhost.com/viewtopic.php?id=2114

Sean, 

My husband and I spoke about you’re #2 question last night. At the start of our relationship nearly 30 years ago we had sexual toys we played with. He always made the purchases after we looked at catalogs together. The toys were never hidden from me and we both enjoyed them with each other. Like I mentioned earlier, we even watched gay porn together from the beginning. None of it bothered me at all. I knew he wasn’t quite straight, but when I asked him about it, it didn’t seem like he could accept that about himself. Some years later he told me about the sexual abuse he endured as a young child. It explained a lot, but it didn’t really change much, nor did I think much if anything needed to be changed. I knew he wasn’t cheating. His only gay sexual outlet was watching gay porn, more often than not, with me. Anyway, specifically what we spoke about last night was how he doesn’t like men. It’s a weird dichotomy, but he’s interested in a penis perhaps, but doesn’t care for men so that’s probably why he’s never been tempted to cheat, plus he’s a really upstanding guy in general and would feel shitty if he cheated. 

Thanks for the chat,

Tangled 

Last edited by TangledOil (November 9, 2020 2:47 pm)

No, never. He’s has zero interest in anything trans. He’s actually very traditional in every other way as far as sex goes. I think in theory he’s attracted to a penis because of the sexual abuse when he was young, but also because of the abuse he’s distrustful of men and he very rarely finds men in reality attractive. Even the one male friend from over decades ago that he mutually masterbated with, he didn’t have a crush or romantic feeling for him at all. He was just a good male friend he could trust and neither had girlfriends at the time so they did each other “favors” a few times, and then they eventually went their separate ways. My husband said that friend was likely bi and went on to marry a woman and have a family. My husband would most likely identify as heteroflexable. He has the potential to be sexual with a good male buddy, but he also doesn’t see himself realistically having a good male buddy because he’s quite distrustful of men... so there’s that. Like I mentioned, it’s a strange dichotomy. 

Tangled