Thank you very much for your frank and honest answers TangledOil (or "TO"). To paraphrase, you wrote: 

1. Neither of you are particularly religious. 
2. You've openly discussed his sexuality for your 30-year marriage. 
3. Your MOM is monogamous. 
4. He openly shared about childhood sexual abuse. 
5. You've always had a very satisfying sex life, both before and after disclosure. 
6. Your husband hasn't cheated on you nor do you fear him cheating.   
7. Both of you are happier, following disclosure of "the gay thing." 

While I'm no expert, I reckon you tick all of the boxes (see above) for a successful mixed orientation marriage. Sadly, most of the women who post here are living a completely different reality: 

1. Religion: some gay/straight couples are part of faith communities that deny homosexuality or consider it "curable." This often traps them in dysfunctional relationships.
2. Lies/Evasions: Most straight spouses never hear "I'm gay" nor even "I'm bisexual" because their husbands are too ashamed or too mentally damaged to come out of the closet. And many gay-in-denial (GID) husbands continue to lie, even when confronted with overwhelming proof they've been having sex with other men. 
3. Monogamy: The GID husband has often been cheating for years with countless men. 
4. Sexual Abuse: Many GID husbands claim sexual abuse made them gay as a final "hail Mary" to save their marriages.  
5. Sex/Intimacy: Most straight wives posting here have gone years, or even decades without any intimacy. And their husbands often try to blame them for a lack of interest in sex.  
6. Cheating: Again, the GID husband has often cheated for years with countless men.    
7. Disclosure: Following disclosure of or a dispute about the husband's homosexuality, the marital problems often increase as the GID husband continues to deny he is gay, has cheated, and is in any way to blame for the problems in the relationship.

I now better understand why you came here to share about your successful MOM. Sadly, while you and your husband live here on Earth, I reckon most closeted husbands are from planet...Uranus . As Dutchman shared in his recent post, it sounds like both of you had stable marriages before sexuality became an issue. Your husband also sounds like he's mentally stable. Sadly, most straight spouses find themselves married to mentally unstable, closeted, and totally dishonest men. These closeted husbands often refuse to have sex with their wives while also refusing to acknowledge they are in any gay/bisexual.

So I want to thank both you and Dutchman for helping me understand something new: if the relationship is honest, loving, and there is healthy sex/intimacy, perhaps a MOM may work with a bisexual husband. If however the husband is 100% gay, has never demonstrated an interest in sex with his wife/or women, and he is dishonest, and abusive, I don't believe a MOM would succeed. End of rant! 

Thanks again for sharing TangledOil (TO) and Dutchman. TO and I first exchanged posts here about gay-in-denial husbands (GIDH) claiming sexual abuse made them gay. I call bullsh*t on these kinds of stories but please see our previous posts (above) for context. After all, if a mentally damaged closeted husband has lied for years about his: sexuality; gay porn; texts/messages with other men; Craigslist ads; Grindr membership (a gay hook up app); his secret dildo collection; racy underwear; and cheating with other men; a straight spouse is entitled to be skeptical when her GIDH suddenly claims past sexual abuse. TO shared a website link claiming that 1/6th of men are abused (see above). I want to make it very clear that I'm not denying sexual assault happens. What I am suggesting is this: straight wives should be skeptical of anything said by pathologically dishonest, narcissistic, and/or sociopathic husbands, particularly with regards to their homosexuality. If a GIDH has a history of lies and manipulations, him claiming: "I was molested as a child and this made me gay" conveniently casts him as the victim, casts his wife as saviour/protector, and magically absolves him of years of sexual neglect, cheating, lies, and emotional abuse. So what's my point? If your closeted husband is claiming sexual abuse made him gay, I recommend the following: 

1. Understand that your husband needs to do the work alone to heal from sexual abuse. You cannot heal for him. 
2. Further understand that if your husband has never really demonstrated a sexual interest in women, it's unlikely that addressing any sexual assault will somehow turn him into a loving straight husband. 
3. Give him this link so that he can find a reputable group, therapist, or counsellor to start working through the trauma alone: https://www.childwelfare.gov/organizations/?CWIGFunctionsaction=rols:main.dspList&rolType=Custom&RS_ID=67 
4. He might suggest couples counselling, but please keep in mind that a straight spouse has absolutely nothing to do with the past abuse. As such, he should attend counselling alone. Solo therapy will also allow him to share details that he might be nervous about sharing in front of his wife. 
5. Set a reasonable timeline for your relationship to improve (say 6 months to 1 year). And by improving I mean your husband is in therapy actively working on the sexual abuse and other mental health issues. Most importantly, set a timeline so you work towards a non-abusive marriage based on honesty and intimacy.
6. If your husband refuses to go to therapy for the alleged abuse and the lies/cheating/abuse continue, you should consider separation and divorce. 

Please keep in mind that I'm not a mental health expert so I'm only expressing my opinions. I want to end this rambling post with an exchange I had with a straight spouse who stayed and decided to support her husband after he claimed childhood sexual abuse.

Sean: I guess my question is whether working through your husband's child abuse ultimately improved your marriage.

Detour (straight spouse): It did improve for a few years but I don't feel he worked through his sexual identity issues properly, it seems as if we are still in limbo...The tires are still flat and we are still on the side of the road.  H[usband] still has an attraction towards men, he is still unhappy, this is still broken...but the difference is that I have called AAA (a therapist exclusively for me) and I'm working on a plan to better my situation. So, Sean....in the end, after years of dealing with this, I am haunted by the question, "would it have been better off for H[usband], for our kids, for myself to have tossed my hands into the air and walked away?"  Maybe only then H would have been forced to do the work for himself, on behalf of himself...to look at his sexuality without any sort of guilt surrounding the breakup of our family.  As you said in the beginning, a person is born gay....abuse does not make them gay, but it does add a layer of confusion and wondering for all concerned. One afternoon, years ago, after we bought our first computer...in the days of AOL and dial up, an instant message appeared on the screen before me.  "Why are you home at this hour?"  The man asked me.  I didn't understand how computers worked, chat rooms or any of it.  I took it as a wrong number and I said as much. After a bit of conversation it became clear that I was speaking to a gay man and for some reason he thought I was a gay man as well.  Only after me saying, "you obviously have the wrong number, try again," did I realize I was online under my H's screen name. Not long ago I stepped into my H's office and he clicked very fast to stop the FB chat before him.  I quickly noted the name, walked to my own computer and looked up who he was speaking with.  I wasn't too surprised that he was conversing with a gay man from across the country.  So you tell me, after all of the running in circles, did anything really change?

So the above straight spouse believed her husband, helped him work through the childhood sexual abuse, and after all those years of love and support, caught him secretly sexting on Facebook with a gay man. Food for thought. Thanks for reading friends. If any straight spouses have questions for a gay ex-husband, please post away. Be well! 

Last edited by Séan (November 9, 2020 6:42 am)

Hi TangledOil,

I have a question, since he’s not into men but into penis, do you guys watch trans porn or shemale porn? Just curious because that was my Ex’s cup of tea and it sounds like that would be what he was into if not males. I don’t mean to offend or anything just curios

Oh, and I wanted to add that he finds guys who present at all gay or feminine unattractive. Like I said it’s unusual. 

Last edited by TangledOil (November 9, 2020 2:51 pm)

Longwayhome, 

I’m curious why your husband thought at one point in time you might go for an open marriage? I’ve contemplated the idea a few times because my husband and I love each other very much and I have never felt the need to say no, but I can’t say yes to this and he completely understands and never expected I would say yes. At this point he says if I would say yes he still wouldn’t do anything and I believe him. 

Tangled