Sorry Virion, I didn't see your last post. Below are my comments: 

1. I would also like to thank Sean for his help on this site. I am 8 months in post D Day and as time goes on am constantly shocked, devastated and horrified by the actions of the man I THOUGHT I knew...

I appreciate the shout out my friend but please keep in mind that I'm no saint. Regardless, I am so very sorry you and your family are going through these tough times.

2. Sean warned of the post disclosure honeymoon period, then the "gay adolescent bad behaviour " phase and suggested he may be narcissistic- I thought hell NO , but I have done my research and he ticks 70% of the boxes. He too (Figstrong) says he doesnt want a relationship with a man, has destroyed his life and family (or rather i have by not "supporting" him  by calling out his bad behaviour and not embracing his homosexuality, he  claims to be in a bad place mentally because of me and of course we also  have to stay married due to finances and children etc.

I reckon most gay-in-denial husbands are often so disconnected from reality that they still need to shift blame, often in the face of overwhelming proof they are gay. It's like he's falling down a tree and yet clinging to every lying branch on his way to the group. Here are just a few examples: 

- No I don't watch gay porn: LIE
- Ok I watched gay porn once: MINIMIZATION
- THE TRUTH: He's been fapping to gay porn for years. 
- No I never had sex with that guy who texted me: LIE 
- Ok he and I met ONCE but nothing happened: MINIMIZATION
- THE TRUTH: He's on Grindr, Scruff, and Hornet 24/7 looking for sex and has been cheating on you for years. 
- Ok I've had sex with men for years, but only because of trauma from being attacked by a gay guy in college: LIE
- THE TRUTH: Claims of sexual abuse are often just more lies and/or he's perhaps seeing these sexual explorations through the smeared lens of his "I can't be gay" denial. So he has to portray himself as the victim, rather than a willing participant. Here is a common example: back in college, your 'gay or bi-curious' closeted husband went to an adult book store, gay sauna, or gay cruising park looking for gay sex. After it happened, he was so ashamed that he remembers it as sexual assault, conveniently forgetting that he was a willing participant. 
- [In couples therapy] I'm not interested in (sex with women) because my wife is too [aggressive, passive, loud, quiet, up, down blah blah blah bullsh*t]: LIE 
- THE TRUTH: From the beginning, he's never been interested in sex with women and, once he started having sex with men, he could no longer perform.  

Virion, I want to you keep repeating to yourself that none of this is YOUR fault. He's the problem, his lying is the problem, his cheating is the problem, and his lifelong inability to accept his true sexuality is the problem. 

3. He is emotionally and verbally abusive  to me  and now wants the whole "gay thing" forgotten , after telling everyone at his insistance!

Just another example of the twisted logic of a man too scared to come out, accept he is/was always the problem, and deal with reality. 

4. I do think a lot of GID people on this forum have shown similar traits ..maybe the strain of hiding who they are has damaged them mentally and emotionally. Also not one ounce of empathy or remorse from him. Astounding and traumatising. Stay strong all. 

You nailed it my friend. If I remember correctly, I was probably the most damaged and toxic in the final year before "disclosure/discovery" - when my wife knew I was closeted and confronted me about it - and then for about 18 painful months of our fake gay/straight marriage. 

So what should straight spouses do? I have been separated for six years and divorced for five so it's easy for me to provide others with a battle plan now that my own war is over....but here goes: 

1. Straight wives have to accept that a gay man can never satisfy, nor be a good husband to a straight woman.
2. No amount of spousal love, prayer, and therapy can change a man's sexuality.
3. Gay-in-denial husbands marry straight women to hide their homosexuality, not for love. 
4. Some couples may attempt Mixed orientation marriages (MOMs) "for the kids" or for other reasons such as finances. Statistically most MOMs eventually end in divorce. (Disclaimer: I am clearly biased because my own MOM lasted 18 painful months and then mercifully ended.) Moreoever, we cannot ignore that most of these marriages were highly dysfunctional even BEFORE the spouses acknowledged "the gay thing" (or "TGT"). While I invite anyone to post about their own successful MOMs, I don't believe anyone's marriage actually improves because a gay husband stopped lying about his sexuality and can now have sex with men while still married. Let's also not discount how damaging dysfunctional gay/straight marriages can be on the mental health of both spouses and, most importantly, on their children. 
5. I recommend: detaching with love (emotional separation); then physical/financial separation; and finally divorce.

So what's my point. I reckon most gay-in-denial husbands aren't necessarily bad people. I think we just get twisted by shame, fear, and the crushing burden of lying about our sexuality starting around age five or six. My own mental health failed when I could no longer juggle the lying, cheating, and shame, while also dealing with the failure of my marriage.

Here is an example I recently read in an excellent book that may explain what happens when a GID husband's denial starts to fall apart. Imagine your husband is afraid of flying. In fact, he is deathly afraid of airplane travel. He is so afraid of flying that he hasn't been on a plane for over 30 years. Over the years, he starts to act like he really isn't afraid of flying. He eventually claims, "I'm not really afraid of flying." So he plans a trip overseas. His wife starts to drive him to the airport and, not surprisingly, everything changes. All of the excuses, qualifications, and (later) outright lies fall apart. Her husband is now in a cold sweat as they approach the airport. Once in the airport, he experiences a complete mental breakdown. And why? Because he's still deathly afraid of flying. Not surprisingly, he vomits, panics, and finally faints just before boarding the plane. This is an example of truth/reality  piercing through all of his denials, evasions, and outright lies.

The same could be said of gay-in-denial (GID) husbands. Divorce is like the final boarding call to end a lifetime of lies and shame. It's not so much that he fears losing her. What he truly fears is losing his straight identity and his compliant wife is the lynchpin to that fake identify. I reckon this is why GID husbands become mentally unhinged during the dying days of their gay/straight marriages. When a straight spouse threatens divorce, the closeted husband is often so desperate that, for a short time, he even fakes a sexual interest in her to win her back. This after years or even decades of no conjugal intimacy whatsoever. And when she manifests even the slightest bit of resistance, he might use physical or emotional abuse to bully her into remaining in the marriage. So what's my point? Once a straight spouse fully accepts her husband is gay, she should move quickly and decisively to protect herself and her children because there is no bargaining, and no going back.

For those who choose to stay in a MOM with your gay husband, buckle up my friends. Once he is out of the closet and you have chosen to remain in the marriage, he's then going to manipulate you into letting him f*ck men. As he comes to terms with his homosexuality and receives support from friends and family, he'll then be emotionally ready for a gay relationship. So inevitably, one of these men will become more than just a "hook up." Sadly, after decades of the straight spouse going without sex, living through horrible abuse, and later (reluctantly) agreeing to let him "have his needs met", the minute he meets a potential boyfriend or husband, he'll ask for a divorce. Remember that 80% of MOMs end in divorce so before you agree to stay in a gay/straight marriage, keep in mind that the odds are stacked against you. 

So what should you do? In my opinion, try detaching with love, physical separation, then divorce. A straight spouse should also accept that following disclosure/discovery (that her husband is gay) and for some time afterwards, her husband is likely going to be emotionally radioactive. There may come a time, perhaps a few years (and often a few failed gay relationships) later, that he no longer represents a danger to himself, his ex-wife and his kids. But if my experience is any indicator, this takes time and can only happen if the couple splits so they can heal separately.

End of rant! Be well everyone.  

Last edited by Séan (November 7, 2020 10:44 am)

I'm sorry his crazy merry-go-round continues my friend. Question: would he accept moving out for a trial separation? If he follows the pattern of most gay-in-denial husbands during the pre-separation/divorce part of this journey, get ready for: 

- Pleas to attend couples therapy (during which he'll blame everything on you)
- Stories of sexual abuse (often false/fabricated) to explain why he is "same sex" attracted
- A sudden renewed interest in romance/sex wit his wife (buying you flowers, trying to initiate sex, etc)
- An obsessive interest in fitness, body shaving, new haircut or new clothes...getting ready for gay dating

Please keep posting, going the therapy, and taking care of yourself and your children my friend. Be careful! 

Last edited by Séan (November 7, 2020 10:35 am)

Sean, 

Since at least one in six males have experienced sexual abuse or assault I don’t think a much of it is false or fabricated. 

“Researchers have found that at least 1 in 6 men have experienced sexual abuse or assault, whether in childhood or as adults. And this is probably a low estimate, since it doesn’t include noncontact experiences, which can also have lasting negative effects. If you’ve had such an experience, or think you might have, you are not alone.”

https://1in6.org/get-information/the-1-in-6-statistic/
 

Last edited by TangledOil (November 7, 2020 11:11 pm)

Here again are my thoughts on gay-in-denial husbands who claim childhood sexual abuse. Please keep in mind, however, that I am not a mental health expert and have never been a victim of such abuse. Moreover, I want to express that I believe all sexual abuse is horrible, traumatising for the victims, and (thankfully) illegal. So when a straight spouse hears her husband say, "I was abused" there are two possibilities:

1. It's the truth. 
2. It's a lie. 

If your husband has: lied about his sexuality for your entire marriage; lied about watching gay porn; lied about chatting/posting on Craigslist or Grindr; lied about his sex toy collection; lied about his flashy new underwear; and, most importantly, lied about f*cking men, I think we could agree he might be a pathological liar, particularly when it comes to his sexuality. So when a gay-in-denial husband with a lifelong history of lying claims, "I was sexually abused and this made me gay" I think straight spouses are justified in being skeptical. 

As I wrote in a previous post: "Here now is my second point. When a gay-in-denial husband claims: "I'm attracted to men because I was abused by a man [or my male cousin/brother/etc] as a child." the straight wife's reaction is of course to believe him. She believes him because she wants to understand why her husband has zero sexual attraction to her. She wants an explanation for the porn, the cheating, and the sex toys. But what happens next is where things get complicated. Setting aside the issue of whether the abuse actually happened or not, let's look at the desired outcome. If he truly wants to save his marriage, then he'll do the following:​

1. Share openly about the abuse.
​2. Admit wrongdoing such as watching porn and/or cheating.
​3. Apologize.
​4. Get help via therapy or a 12-step program.
​5. Work like hell to stop acting out, hurting his wife, and thereby heal his marriage.
​6. Intimacy is re-established and the couple enjoys a healthy sex life.​

Here is what I reckon most often happens when a husband claims "I'm attracted to men because I was abused":​

1. He shared about the abuse when his back was against the wall: namely when he got caught yet again or his wife was seriously considering separation/divorce.     
​2. He can't provide details about the abuse or is defensive about sharing information. "It happened so long ago and my uncle is dead."
​3. He refuses to go to therapy or he reluctantly agrees to couples counseling (rather than individual counseling) and then proceeds to blame all of the relationship problems on his straight wife. 
​4. He shows little motivation to deal with any of this and, yet again, the burden somehow shifts to his wife to save the marriage. She does all the reading/research, sets up all the counselling appointments, and then nags him to get involved.
​5. Nothing changes. He's still distant, angry, surfing porn, on Grindr, and the couple still isn't having sex.  ​

My point is child abuse, whether real or fabricated, can often become another excuse to explain away why your  husband f*cks men and watches men f*cking online. Years ago I remember having a chat with my former sister-in-law about her (then) husband. He was a d*ck, a complete and utter d*ck. He wasn't gay but he was still a very volatile, abusive, and angry husband/father. One day she proudly announced to the whole family that all of this was due to an excessively high IQ. "He just got tested!" she gleefully explained waving around his IQ score. Her brother dryly replied: "Ok so he's smart. But he's still a smart *sshole." If your husband claims that he's straight yet gay acting because of X, then logically removing X or dealing with the emotional repercussions of X would then allow him to revert to being normal (or in this case straight). You'd then have a normal marriage. That's the goal? If working through child abuse gets you to a place of happiness, then I say have at it. Sadly it rarely works out that way." 

Last edited by Séan (November 8, 2020 3:55 am)

Thank you for responding TangledOil. I reckon the reason we are in relationships is to be happy, love our partners, and feel loved ourselves. If working through your husband's abuse and attraction to men has improved your relationship, that's the ideal outcome my friend. Most importantly, your husband sounds like a kind, loving, and honest man. He is also bisexual, with an attraction to both women and men. So as long as you or other members are happy in their MOMs, I'm happy for you. Sadly, the reality is much different for most SSN members. For most straight spouses posting here, their husbands are cruel, abusive, and oftentimes fiendishly dishonest. And a majority of the husbands described here are clearly gay men claiming to be bisexual, who never truly demonstrated any sexual interest in their wives...nor any other women really. I reckon all elements were present for your MOM to be a success, before your husband admitted he was bisexual. Sadly, that doesn't appear to be case for most straight wives posting here. Just my thoughts but please feel free to post a rebuttal. I always enjoy a good debate! Thanks again for sharing my friend. Be well. 

Last edited by Séan (November 8, 2020 6:23 am)